No Words For It

I thought I'd gotten about as mad as I could get the other night before I'd written my last post.

I was wrong.

We'd dealt with stuff on and off all day yesterday.  Then we were sitting watching a movie I was interested in, me on the couch and Chael laying on the floor.

And the anger started building.  The things he'd lied about.  The big thing he lied about.

I had to turn off the movie and tell him to leave the room as I was becoming dangerous.

He went to his room, I sat for a bit there, then went into the kitchen and put my hands on the counter and leaned into it, partially bending over.  The anger grew until it was absolute rage.

I became so mad I thought I may have to go to the hospital for two reasons:  1) I was angry to the point of being a potential risk to myself and others, and 2) I was angry to the point that my body started not functioning right in scary ways.

When I get really angry my blood pressure goes really up and my stomach clenches.  I've been angry enough to burst capillaries under my eyes and to have a nosebleed.

I could tell by how I felt that my blood pressure was up much higher than it's ever been and that it was quite possibly at a very dangerous level, health-wise.

I had that might-explode feeling I get but much, much worse.  I had trouble focusing my eyes, difficulty breathing in a regular pattern (and this caused me to almost pass out a number of times during this), my chest was tight, and I started losing control of my limbs.  Especially my arms... as I braced against the counter they started to become weak and have muscle spasms and I was trembling violently trying to stay in once piece physically and to support myself and with the pure rage inside me.

It took me a while, but after breathing as well as I could and focusing as well as I could I reached a level where it was safe for me to go talk to him.  I went into his room and asked him some more questions about the lying he's done.  He answered some more about it and told me about another lie/opinion.

I had to leave the room again and be in the kitchen doing the same thing all over again.

After a while I pulled myself under control better and realized I may very well have to go to the hospital I was so utterly in an all-consuming rage and that I was at a very serious physical risk from the stress it was putting on my body.

So, I went into his room and told him that I was unwell and how and that I may need a doctor.  I told him he would come out and help me.

He did, I stood gripping the counter and he stood next to me waiting.  He asked what he could do.  After making sure I was under enough control I told him I wanted a cup of my cold tea.  He got it for me and I took a few gulps to get something cold in me.  It sat like a rock in my stomach.

A few minutes later I told him I wanted a double dose of Lortab put out and for my orange juice.  Chael got both, the Lortab cup to my right and the orange juice cup to my left.  I told him what of my night-time meds I needed and that I was going to take them, do some googling on this health matter, and then get ready for bed and he was going to be nice to me.  He said okay and waited.

I took the Lortab, took a drink of the tea to wash out my mouth.  It was hard to pick up the Lortab measuring cup as I had to wait until I felt my arm would be able to do it.  Then it was hard controlling my arm to get it to my mouth and partly up I had to take a break to re-focus on making it work right.

That done, I turned to the orange juice and took my night-time meds with it... hoping from the feel of my stomach that everything would stay down as it was very questionable at that point.  Again, I had difficulty with my arm, this time the left one.

Some time passed while I stood there gripping the counter again and trying to keep myself under control, get my breathing right, and hopefully get my blood-pressure to drop.  It wasn't working.

Finally, I asked Chael to go get our automatic blood-pressure cuff to test me as I was still and getting more concerned about how bad it may be.  He found it and I used it.

And got an error code.

Tried again, got an error code.

Tried again, got an error code.

Gave it to Chael to try to see if the thing was just broken.  It worked for him.  It has always worked on me in the past.

Tried it again, got an error code.

Tried it again, got an error code.

Went and sat down to see if that was the problem and tried again.  Got an error code.

This new frustration did help in giving me something distracting to get my head a little clearer.  I went into my bedroom to do the googling.  I couldn't find any explanation of the error code I was getting on our model of cuff.  I could only find information on the risks of long-term hypertension.

I tried the blood pressure cuff one last time.  Error code.

Either it hates me or my blood pressure was - as it felt and why I got out the cuff - at a level that the cuff couldn't read correctly.

By then the Lortab was helping a little and I moved my laptop off the bed to its night-time position and told Chael he was to take of the nail polish on my hands and feet, then put lotion on my feet.

He did, then we each went to bed.  I slept for about 4 hours and woke again.  I've been up since about 2am.

I heard his alarm go off and went in and asked him some very serious questions about lies and things he's said in the past.  He expressed on those things he'd been telling the truth.

Just now before his going to work we had a further discussion about things he's done and said in the past and even yesterday.  More lies.  Really hurtful lies.  I slapped him hard for yesterday's lie.  I just cried on the older ones.  I just can't believe all this.

I got my answers and told him he could leave for work.

 

I hate all this and what I'm finding out.

I do take the tiniest saddest bit of comfort though in that it's not just me.  It's not something specifically wrong with our relationship.  It's 100% him.  It's not done out of malice.  He lies everywhere to everybody all the time it turns out.  Me, work, friends, doctors.

I'm sending him back to therapy, as I said in prior posts... and I am going with him to tell the doctor what is going on, because he can't be trusted to be honest with the doctor.  He has admitted to manipulating them to think what he wants them to.

I know it's not wise to diagnose via the internet, but I do think it can be a useful tool in getting rough ideas.  Apparently this falls under pathological lying of the habitual sub-type.  Such is a symptom associated with personality disorders he likely has (I can't trust whether or not the doctors have ever diagnosed any such in him, so I don't know the details of that).  We'll see what an actual doctor has to say when I tell him all of what Chael has been doing with everyone for years, including this doctor in the past.

I'm doing what I do when I have something important I have to keep straight:  making an itemized list.  I want to be able to present the doctor with a clear, detailed description of what is going on.  Maybe he can get help and get better.  Maybe I'll leave and be done with this.  We'll see what happens and what happens first.

As I said before, there are some things I won't put up with.  If there is no improvement or I just reach a point where I've crossed that line of giving a fuck I'm gone.

I love him and he does love me... but this is not healthy.  He either fixes it or I'm done.

 

But yeah, I was at a level of rage that my blood pressure wouldn't read on the home monitor cuff last night.  As I was getting ready for bed I felt like the inside of my nose/sinuses were wet like when you cry or have a cold... and I'd neither.  I assume I had a very minor nosebleed.

Appointments for me will be made at the VA today.  I need a physical checkup and mental health support/meds.

 

I've always been very quiet about our most personal stuff, hard stuff, as I said before I think those sort of things should fall under relationship privacy.  But this post is an official "I give a fuck about protecting his ass" moment.