Friday, March 1, 2013

Lawyer. Car. iTaboo

Today I go to the lawyer's, pay my final payment on the divorce and give them the final copy of the signed decree. Then it's a matter of waiting til the mandatory 60 day waiting period is up (that started in early Feb when I filed, not just starting now) til I get a finalization court date.

Going about it firmly and as if it were a job... as neutral as I can be, pragmatic in my mindset and doings.

But on the inside, underneath? Ugh.

Also, decided with the move that I am selling my car asap. I put it up on some selling sites and also contacted semi-local dealerships that buy cars and got rough quotes from them (no solid quotes, as I need to take the car to be seen and evaluated, but I answered the questions correctly: it's in amazing shape, only having owned it 1.5-2 years of uptight use and upkeep lol). It's just plain going to be better for me financially to not try and pay for a car while not really ever using it for a year (or more) in NYC... car loan + insurance + storage each month when I may not even USE it each month -or even every couple months or more. It would cost me less in the long run to sell my car and just rent one on the very rare occasions I want to go on a trip not involving a plane, train or bus.

So yeah. Yay for paying off a large part of my car loan and dropping other costs, boo on the fact that it's a new car that I love.

Worth it, though!


We're living in a kind of empty holding pattern nowadays.  It's mostly civil but yeah, as you'd expect there is no warmth or friendliness... except that he is totally fine, doesn't care, and thinks we should still be friends and I should be sweet and soft towards him like before I found out all this happened.  Or when he decides to try and provoke me to get attention on him in that way.

So yeah... Same as it's been since the last few posts, except I'm coping a bit better each day.

How could he be so different from what I always thought?  From what he always led me to believe?   Since the Big Reveal I've seen day by day a bit more of the real person and it's stomach-twisting.


But anyways, this blog isn't going to focus on all that end of things today.


Lawyer.  Car.  And iTaboo.

I'm a moderator over at  iTaboo and we've had a big raise in membership the past couple-three days and it's so far continuing.  iTaboo and Mademoiselle are getting swamped and I'm doing what I can to answer questions, welcome people, etc.... I've been late on getting my hands in things on this as I had no clue so many people were suddenly showing up at once.  I was involved in other things and barely got online for about a day or day and a half (just a few "hi" sort of messages and the Delta Sigma chat rooms, not my usual all-the-heck-over reading), then hopped on and went WOAH.

So, bugs are being noticed and worked out, lots more activity as numbers grow, and I'm doing what I can to be helpful.  Today I have those errands and then I'll largely be online over there, checking in every few minutes.  If you've ever wondered about it or liked the idea but felt there were too few people, come on over!  It only gets bigger and more active as folks make use of it.

And be sure to say "hi" to me on my wall or by site-mail.  If I know you from other sites (or might) then be sure to let me know what your name on that place is... We've all had someone message us on a website where the person acted like we'd known one another and we're all like, "and you are?".  So let me know who you are (or that we are just now meeting).

Sunday, February 24, 2013

The Last Birthday

I know it's stupid.  I know I would've said "no".  But it was the last one of 16 years worth that I'll be around for.


He had his birthday party yesterday and didn't invite me.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Dallas, 800 Needles, and Crying

We left Friday around 1pm to go to Dallas and stay with MissLilly.  The plan was to stay overnight with her, go to Sanctuary and do the 800 needle scene with Redeye_yo before the club opened, and then to drive back home.

The drive down was awful.  Nothing like putting two people who haven't been in the same room for more than 5 minutes in weeks into a car for 2.5hrs together... where it's not just awkward, but for one it's actively painful and upsetting.  And for the other it's annoying (again, he later described it with that word:  "tedious") and that knowledge makes the worst part for the first person... that the second wants to talk to them with zero interest in them and is irritated that they aren't acting like nothing is wrong.

So 2.5 hours of hell on my side of the truck.

He's lately started to try to provoke me as he's not getting sweetness from me anymore... I guess any attention is better than none.  He's been snotty around the house a couple times when there was zero cause - at least once where that was his opening tone with me on coming to my room to ask me something.  It's just random rudeness to try and upset me.

So, he knows I wanted him vegan during our last month or two together.  He made the change over and was doing well after we had a discussion of his (supposed) religion and how it relates to animal-eatings.  He knew I was really proud of him for that while we were together.

We're driving down and we had agreed to go to a favorite restaurant that is lacto-ovo and vegan Indian food in Dallas.  The menu changes every day so to know what it is ahead of time you go to the website and look.  He asked me if I'd looked at the menu yet; I pulled it up on my iPad and checked it, read off the vegan things to him as I figured that was what we were both interested in.

He says, "what, no cheese enchiladas?".

Chael's already read the menu.  He's set me up to be able to point out he's interested in eating cheese now.

Fine.  It didn't bother me and I did catch what he was trying to do.  So I just commented that I didn't know he had gone back to that.  He responds that he's "struggling with it".  I leave it at that as I'm not particularly concerned with his current dietary habits, whatever.  But yeah, again I note that he's trying to start something with me.

We get there, we settle into MissLilly's and Chael is hovering like he's so sweet and wants to be so helpful and friendly.  I finally told him to go away.  After the second time of this hover-and-exchange he goes into the bedroom he and I are to use while there (MissLilly has limited space, so she let us use her bedroom.  Me in the bed, Chael down on the floor).

MissLilly and I hang out for a while and talk, watch a movie.  I order some food that I never get to have down here and to be polite ask Chael if he wants anything.  He says he'll just have what I'm having (the only thing from Pizza Hut that is safe from that location).

I watch some more of the movie, food arrives.

We set out what is mine and MissLilly's, give Chael his.  He takes it into the bedroom where he's been reading.

Then he comes out and asks me for my ranch sauce (which just comes with my food automatically).

Again, with the dairy thing.  If he just wanted non-vegan food he would've ordered something normal that he likes, like, you know, pizza or such.  No, he told me he wanted the same thing I was getting... then came out specifically after I started eating to ask for a dairy sauce.

Games.  Around we go:  He tried to upset me, I didn't care, he went back out of the room after I didn't give a big response.  And again:  not bothered at all by what he was doing, but did make a mental note of the game he was playing.

Bedtime came and I was absolutely exhausted so I figured I wouldn't need any Ambien.  I turned the lights off, laid down, tried to sleep.  He passed out.

Endless time later I'm still awake and torturing myself.  I keep trying to think of other things and the unhappiness of the divorce is just eating at me and my thoughts.  Try, try, try.  Dammit, Ambien time.

I get up and ask Chael if he brought his, he had and I took one.  Figured okay, now I'll fall asleep; it usually takes me about 15 minutes or so.

Endless time later...

It's bugging me he's in the room with me.  Every other time we've slept in the same room it's been when I thought we were mutually in love.  Including many happy times with me in a bed and him on the floor nearby.

We'd talked about this issue beforehand and I said I thought I could handle it.  We'd just ignore each other, he'd sleep in his place, I'd sleep in mine.  Fine.

I'm laying there and despite Ambien cannot sleep.

So I lay there and try to think why this is such an issue.  I know I'm uncomfortable with it, I knew I would be... but why to this level?  Why can't I just ignore him?

I look around inside my head for a while and it slides, whispering, into my thoughts:

you can hear him breathing

I let my mind address that and started quietly crying.  My stomach twisted, my throat tightened, and the tears just ran off me.

I could hear him breathing.  I have 16 years of knowing that breathing.  I have laid awake so many nights that I can't count next to him listening to him breathe and thinking how much I loved him and how much I treasured being familiar with the cadence of his breath.  Holding him and feeling how exactly it mismatches with mismatches with mine as I'm trying to fall asleep next to him.  Loving the sound of it.

I pull myself together some and stop crying.  I start debating whether or not I can handle this.  Should I get him up and have him move out of the room or can I push it aside and finally conk out?

I keep thinking about his breathing, keep feeling that anger and loss as I hear it from the end of the bed.  I think about the way he has this light to medium sort of on-and-off snore that he does when he's very deep asleep and how I've loved that too... again, laid awake giggling to myself over it... being frustrated by it... loved being familiar with it and having it a part of him being next to me.

and then the snore started

I started bawling again.  I debated a second more and knew I just couldn't handle this.  That I'd not get any sleep and that it was like someone was gutting me with a hook to listen to it.

So I got up and told him he had to move.

He was pissed and pissy with me.  He asked why.  I told him I couldn't handle it.  He asked why.  I told him I didn't want to get into it and started crying.  He snidely pointed out that I said I'd be okay with it.  I told him I was wrong and that I couldn't.

Chael let me know I was a horrible person and that he, of course, didn't care other than being put out about needing to move.

I told him where he could be as it was a bit tricky due to limited space at MissLilly's and finally just gave up on his attitude and went to bed.  I cried a little and passed out quickly when I no longer could hear him sleeping near me.


We had our normal uncomfortable interactions the next morning, then I came into the bedroom to get stuff and he's in the bed that was My Area for that trip, laying on his back, hands behind his head, looking relaxed and comfy.

Another game.

I decide, okay, we're going to address this.

We talk.  I point out that I am aware of the stuff he's pulling to try to get me angry and that it's clear he's trying to get any kind of emotional outburst from me that he can... good or bad, just any attention.

He asks what he's done.  I point the things out and he admits most of them.

I tell him in a firm voice that he has no place to be rude to me.

Chael says his patience is getting thin.

I ask patience over what (as if I don't know, granted).

He replies, basically, that he's running out of patience with waiting for me to go back to being my normal nice, friendly, loving self with him.

Again, I'm not mad.  I am just endlessly not understanding how someone can think like this.

We talk a bit and he expresses not understanding why he should be nice towards me if he's "not even going to get a thank you".

I point out that he should be acting like a decent human being to me and doing what's right because of what he's done wrong.

I also point out that I have already told him I knew this would start:  that he would start being nasty towards me, then he would try to take Jonesy, then he would try to screw me out of a military move if he can and that he's stated he would help me with if the timing of the divorce went wrong.

His response to these three items?

"I won't try to take Jonesy"

This is Chael for "you can bet on the other two".

The conversation goes on about like this, with him saying in various ways that if I don't start being sweet to him he's going to start trying to fuck me over.

I point that out firmly to him that that is what he's doing, that he's threatening me.

Eventually it just gets dropped as this discussion isn't going to get better and I know where things are most likely headed.

So we do the scene with Redeye_yo.  I put 800 needles into Redeye and he took it just awesome, like always.  I take a painkiller before we start long scenes but at about the 2 hour mark I started hurting... and I kept hurting more and more.  By the time I finished putting them into him I was in terrible pain.  My neck and back were screaming.  My blood sugar started to drop around the 3 hour mark and Chael kept brought me a drink of sweet tea a couple times.  It helped enough to keep me going safely, but I felt crappy.

We got to 730 needles, roughly, and MissLilly came in and gave us a 45 minutes warning on the club opening.  This caused panic.  She assured us that it shouldn't be a huge deal if we went a little over, but that people would be in there (we were videotaping and taking photos, so this was a concern for us).  I started moving faster.

Then about 15 minutes later the person running the meetup that night at the club comes over and tells us that in 30 minutes they are going to have a bunch of people where we are.  I tell him we will be out by then, and pick up the pace as much as I can, which really wasn't much more... I was working at about my max capacity at that point.

Redeye_yo is handling the whole thing just perfect.  I'm sure it was a very hard scene on him between the number we did and the speed.  As said, he does awesome.

At the last 10 I give a warning.  At the last 5 I tell Chael and Steffi that as soon as I place the last one they need to step in and take photos fast so I can start the pull process.

Last one in, I step back.  I direct Chael in what angles and such I want that I don't see him getting.

Then, I stand next to Redeye and ask him if he's ready for pull.  He said he was.  I warned that I was going to be going VERY FAST and that he needs to tell me if he needs to stop.  He knows and we begin.

I got those things out of him in I think less than 5 minutes.

A couple people popped over to watch and had to leave because it was hard to view.... Some places I had to take needles out one at a time.

For a lot of it I was literally grabbing a handful of needles and taking them out all at once.

Grab, drop in sharps bin, grab, drop in sharps bin.

I kept an eye on Redeye and he was doing well with it, holding Steffi's hands.  When I had almost finished removing one side Chael asked if he should start tear-down while I was removing.  I told him yes, go ahead and pack everything I wasn't using.

Switched to Redeye_yo's other side and kept pulling.  He started to shiver and get goosebumps so I stopped and asked him if he was okay, if he needed to wait.  He replied that no, he was okay... the blood running down his other side was making him cold lol.  So I went back to grabbing handfuls.

Got them out of him, Aplicared his back to do a second disinfection and to get some of the blood off (he'd stopped bleeding but he was messy).  Then I packed up the sharps stuff while he chilled out on the table with Steffi and recovered some.

After a bit he was up and dressing and I was finishing packing up.  We four got everything out of the way, set into the lounge area of the club so we'd be out of the meet-up's way.  Steffi, Redeye_yo, and I chatted a little bit, I gave him a hug, they headed out.  I bummed around Sanctuary for a bit and talked to Quin and MissLilly as I tried to recover, myself.  I was in pain and completely physically and emotionally exhausted.

It went great, though.  It's about 24 hours later and I'm still sore and tired, but it was a ton of fun and the pictures look great.  Redeye is an amazing needle bottom.  I'm so thrilled to work with him.

I drove Chael and I home after I got some more Tylenol in me.  It really didn't help, but hey.  Another uncomfortable 2.5 hours where I repeatedly had to focus on not crying.

Today I went out to a social get-together on my own.  It was a sort of thing I never do:  a small party of female folks that I only very casually knew some of.  This sort of thing is not easy for me at all.  I had a really nice time.

The rest of today has been being home and dealing with Chael.  Nothing terribly ugly, I'm just generally a mess.  I think the past two days being in close contact with him + the huge stress of a big scene (topping to sharps is my very favorite thing, but topping is much harder on me than bottoming is... and these long scenes kick my ass) have maxed me out.  I am crying on and off today.

Big crying.  Not those a few minutes of cracking like I've been doing for the most part lately, but the big snotty hiccuping kind that go on for a while.

It hurts that after 16 years of my loving him and him seeming like he was in love with me it's not real and he doesn't feel bad at all about my leaving.

I keep thinking about how much I loved the feeling of wrapping my arms around his waist when I was so happy towards him and in love or when I was sad and letting myself feel safe and comforted by him (something that is not easy for me... that's part of this, while I can report things, showing actual emotional vulnerability in person and/or letting someone take care of me is NOT something that I am comfortable with.  Chael is the only person that has ever been trusted by me in that way to that extent... others have seen what are really tiny pieces of me over the years... but Chael was my Special Person who I openly showed things with.  And now I've found out that he's seen all that when it didn't actually matter to him, when he never cared that I was sad or hurt or anything.).

It hurts me to think about how wonderful the feeling was to hold him and feel held by him.  How it wasn't real and how it's over and how he never understood or appreciated or felt anything other than boredom and annoyance over it.

I don't understand how someone can do that.

I am an enormously self-centered, selfish, self-serving person.  And I cannot understand how someone can do that.


Two pics of the 800 needle project.  Will be posted, with more, on my artblog soon.






Thursday, February 14, 2013

Told Mom

I sent my mom a good bunch of the details with Chael in an email.  Stuff I've talked about here, basically points on the why I'm not taking him to NYC with me anymore and all that.

She actually called me as just a regular call after I sent it as she hadn't read it yet (she's not great about keeping up on the email being somewhat technologically impaired still.  She uses it, but I think I may be the only person who actually has emailed her... maybe my sister has, but I doubt it as they talk in person almost every day it seems).

We talked generic normal chatty stuff and then I told her I'd sent her the email and that I'll be cutting all ties with Chael.  It was an awkward conversation but hey.

Before that, Chael had come home from work... he had in his hands a box for me from Amazon I'd ordered and a yellow rose he'd told me last week that he ordered from me as a gesture of friendship.  When I pointed out last week that he isn't my friend, we're not friends, he got teary and expressed that it was "more a hope" in a choked-up voice.

Because, you know, he hasn't totally told me over and over how things like that are just empty manipulation gestures.  Or that roses hold a special significance from when we very first got together and he used to sneak me ones as surprises all the time and has brought me bouquets and singles over the years as acts of love and romance... which he's stated over and over were just doing them as a fake role which he is now feeling "liberated" from pretending to.

Yeah, right, I'm so moved.

He said he brought me a flower.

I said "why?".

He said that he told me last week that he had ordered it.

I just looked at him, irritated.

He said - as though absolving me from guilt! - that I didn't need to accept it.

I responded that I wasn't, rolled back onto my stomach to play on the computer, and waved my hand back at him as a sign he was to leave my room.  That he was dismissed from my presence, in my opinion and intentions.

But yeah, after talking to mom I tried a smoothie recipe I got online, managed to get it poured all over the counter and floor of the kitchen, remade it after cleaning up.

Found it was pretty disgusting.  Decided to make Crispy Tenders.  Burnt the hell out of them.  Went and hooked myself up with some junkfood, came home and read.  Now I'm here.

He keeps offering to get me things when he goes out and asking me if I need anything when he goes by my room sometimes.

No, no I don't.  Not from you.

If I absolutely can't reach something or some such, I'll ask just like I would a stranger at the supermarket.  I'm not letting you do things for me that I let you do because I thought you were being a sweetheart and liked you doing them for me.


So Jonesy and I are chillin'.

Had some great chatting with Delta House members today.

Also, been having a couple of nice talks here and there with some CollarMe guys.  And have told a few guys off on OKCupid.

I'm not at all going to jump into another real romantic thing anytime in the near future.  Sex, casualness, friendly-light-romance, but nothing serious.  I need time to just be me on my own for a while to adjust to life as not-married-to-Chael in my new home after I move.

Doesn't mean I'm not open to purely service or friendly-PE/BDSM interactions, and I'm seeing what comes my way on those... but nothing more involved for a good bit.

Looking forward to Camp, as always.  Moving my regular bed to a new location.  I've been wanting an end spot in general and so I can workout more room for my stuff.  Usually I'm between a couple other beds.

So, totally gonna see the leather family... plus I'll be living much closer to the bulk of us (I'm pretty much currently the most south and west of the really active members.  All but one of us lives in the NE) and will be able to visit folks more often (and have them visit me!).

I don't plan to ever get married again.  This isn't purely a currently-breaking-up thought... I've known and stated for a long while now that if anything ever happened to Chael and I, death or divorce, I really didn't feel I'd ever want to marry again.  Love someone?  Share my life with them?  Yep.  Marry?  Nope.

I took one bath today in Lush stuff to start my day and try to use it as a relaxer, I think I may take another one.  Or maybe just a shower with stuff.

I'd been so looking forward to Zumba tomorrow night, then a 2hour Zumbathon Saturday, then a get-together at one of the fellow-Zumbaer's house Sunday.  Totally forgot we're driving up to Dallas tomorrow night to do the 800 needle project Saturday mid-day.  Original plan was to drive back Sunday morning, but I want to go to the party so I decided we'll drive home Saturday night.

Chael's agreed to go up with me to do the photos and so I can use his truck to bring up the massage table and lights and stuff.  It frustrates and makes me roll my eyes to accept his help in this, but it's not a used-to-be-regular-all-the-time sweetness thing that repulses me and there's no one else to do it.  So, there we go.

He just came in to tell me he's cooking both artichokes and ask if I wanted one.  I was resistant, then said yes as I like artichokes, he went to do it and my stomach started twisting.  He used to make me artichokes as a sweetness of making me food and presenting me with the artichoke and melted butter and everything.  I went out and told him I'd a change of mind, no.

It may sound stupid, but service was a huge, huge, huge part of our relationship... I loved how he doted on me and I accepted it in a way that really touched me.  Even little things like that make my stomach hurt and make me upset.

Anyways.  Saturday Redeye_yo and I are attempting 800 needles.  While I don't plan anything out ahead of time, I think I'm going to go with a different style and approach the other large ones have been in.

Wish us luck on him being able to take them all and it coming out pretty!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013


I went out on my own to Walmart to get a new blender (got an Oster that changes directions and a single-serve drink attachment for it) and to HEB for food  (salad, fruit, pretend meat), in that order.

At HEB I got one of the little carts as I love those things... they're the perfect size for us little people and so fun.

They were playing My Prerogative by Bobby Brown on the sound system.

I seriously was in a great mood and dancing around the store while pushing my cart, singing to it.

Fuck him and fuck the people who gave me odd looks.  It was freakin' awesome.