I know it's stupid. I know I would've said "no". But it was the last one of 16 years worth that I'll be around for.
He had his birthday party yesterday and didn't invite me.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Dallas, 800 Needles, and Crying
We left Friday around 1pm to go to Dallas and stay with MissLilly. The plan was to stay overnight with her, go to Sanctuary and do the 800 needle scene with Redeye_yo before the club opened, and then to drive back home.
The drive down was awful. Nothing like putting two people who haven't been in the same room for more than 5 minutes in weeks into a car for 2.5hrs together... where it's not just awkward, but for one it's actively painful and upsetting. And for the other it's annoying (again, he later described it with that word: "tedious") and that knowledge makes the worst part for the first person... that the second wants to talk to them with zero interest in them and is irritated that they aren't acting like nothing is wrong.
So 2.5 hours of hell on my side of the truck.
He's lately started to try to provoke me as he's not getting sweetness from me anymore... I guess any attention is better than none. He's been snotty around the house a couple times when there was zero cause - at least once where that was his opening tone with me on coming to my room to ask me something. It's just random rudeness to try and upset me.
So, he knows I wanted him vegan during our last month or two together. He made the change over and was doing well after we had a discussion of his (supposed) religion and how it relates to animal-eatings. He knew I was really proud of him for that while we were together.
We're driving down and we had agreed to go to a favorite restaurant that is lacto-ovo and vegan Indian food in Dallas. The menu changes every day so to know what it is ahead of time you go to the website and look. He asked me if I'd looked at the menu yet; I pulled it up on my iPad and checked it, read off the vegan things to him as I figured that was what we were both interested in.
He says, "what, no cheese enchiladas?".
Chael's already read the menu. He's set me up to be able to point out he's interested in eating cheese now.
Fine. It didn't bother me and I did catch what he was trying to do. So I just commented that I didn't know he had gone back to that. He responds that he's "struggling with it". I leave it at that as I'm not particularly concerned with his current dietary habits, whatever. But yeah, again I note that he's trying to start something with me.
We get there, we settle into MissLilly's and Chael is hovering like he's so sweet and wants to be so helpful and friendly. I finally told him to go away. After the second time of this hover-and-exchange he goes into the bedroom he and I are to use while there (MissLilly has limited space, so she let us use her bedroom. Me in the bed, Chael down on the floor).
MissLilly and I hang out for a while and talk, watch a movie. I order some food that I never get to have down here and to be polite ask Chael if he wants anything. He says he'll just have what I'm having (the only thing from Pizza Hut that is safe from that location).
I watch some more of the movie, food arrives.
We set out what is mine and MissLilly's, give Chael his. He takes it into the bedroom where he's been reading.
Then he comes out and asks me for my ranch sauce (which just comes with my food automatically).
Again, with the dairy thing. If he just wanted non-vegan food he would've ordered something normal that he likes, like, you know, pizza or such. No, he told me he wanted the same thing I was getting... then came out specifically after I started eating to ask for a dairy sauce.
Games. Around we go: He tried to upset me, I didn't care, he went back out of the room after I didn't give a big response. And again: not bothered at all by what he was doing, but did make a mental note of the game he was playing.
Bedtime came and I was absolutely exhausted so I figured I wouldn't need any Ambien. I turned the lights off, laid down, tried to sleep. He passed out.
Endless time later I'm still awake and torturing myself. I keep trying to think of other things and the unhappiness of the divorce is just eating at me and my thoughts. Try, try, try. Dammit, Ambien time.
I get up and ask Chael if he brought his, he had and I took one. Figured okay, now I'll fall asleep; it usually takes me about 15 minutes or so.
Endless time later...
It's bugging me he's in the room with me. Every other time we've slept in the same room it's been when I thought we were mutually in love. Including many happy times with me in a bed and him on the floor nearby.
We'd talked about this issue beforehand and I said I thought I could handle it. We'd just ignore each other, he'd sleep in his place, I'd sleep in mine. Fine.
I'm laying there and despite Ambien cannot sleep.
So I lay there and try to think why this is such an issue. I know I'm uncomfortable with it, I knew I would be... but why to this level? Why can't I just ignore him?
I look around inside my head for a while and it slides, whispering, into my thoughts:
you can hear him breathing
I let my mind address that and started quietly crying. My stomach twisted, my throat tightened, and the tears just ran off me.
I could hear him breathing. I have 16 years of knowing that breathing. I have laid awake so many nights that I can't count next to him listening to him breathe and thinking how much I loved him and how much I treasured being familiar with the cadence of his breath. Holding him and feeling how exactly it mismatches with mismatches with mine as I'm trying to fall asleep next to him. Loving the sound of it.
I pull myself together some and stop crying. I start debating whether or not I can handle this. Should I get him up and have him move out of the room or can I push it aside and finally conk out?
I keep thinking about his breathing, keep feeling that anger and loss as I hear it from the end of the bed. I think about the way he has this light to medium sort of on-and-off snore that he does when he's very deep asleep and how I've loved that too... again, laid awake giggling to myself over it... being frustrated by it... loved being familiar with it and having it a part of him being next to me.
and then the snore started
I started bawling again. I debated a second more and knew I just couldn't handle this. That I'd not get any sleep and that it was like someone was gutting me with a hook to listen to it.
So I got up and told him he had to move.
He was pissed and pissy with me. He asked why. I told him I couldn't handle it. He asked why. I told him I didn't want to get into it and started crying. He snidely pointed out that I said I'd be okay with it. I told him I was wrong and that I couldn't.
Chael let me know I was a horrible person and that he, of course, didn't care other than being put out about needing to move.
I told him where he could be as it was a bit tricky due to limited space at MissLilly's and finally just gave up on his attitude and went to bed. I cried a little and passed out quickly when I no longer could hear him sleeping near me.
We had our normal uncomfortable interactions the next morning, then I came into the bedroom to get stuff and he's in the bed that was My Area for that trip, laying on his back, hands behind his head, looking relaxed and comfy.
Another game.
I decide, okay, we're going to address this.
We talk. I point out that I am aware of the stuff he's pulling to try to get me angry and that it's clear he's trying to get any kind of emotional outburst from me that he can... good or bad, just any attention.
He asks what he's done. I point the things out and he admits most of them.
I tell him in a firm voice that he has no place to be rude to me.
Chael says his patience is getting thin.
I ask patience over what (as if I don't know, granted).
He replies, basically, that he's running out of patience with waiting for me to go back to being my normal nice, friendly, loving self with him.
Again, I'm not mad. I am just endlessly not understanding how someone can think like this.
We talk a bit and he expresses not understanding why he should be nice towards me if he's "not even going to get a thank you".
I point out that he should be acting like a decent human being to me and doing what's right because of what he's done wrong.
I also point out that I have already told him I knew this would start: that he would start being nasty towards me, then he would try to take Jonesy, then he would try to screw me out of a military move if he can and that he's stated he would help me with if the timing of the divorce went wrong.
His response to these three items?
"I won't try to take Jonesy"
This is Chael for "you can bet on the other two".
The conversation goes on about like this, with him saying in various ways that if I don't start being sweet to him he's going to start trying to fuck me over.
I point that out firmly to him that that is what he's doing, that he's threatening me.
Eventually it just gets dropped as this discussion isn't going to get better and I know where things are most likely headed.
So we do the scene with Redeye_yo. I put 800 needles into Redeye and he took it just awesome, like always. I take a painkiller before we start long scenes but at about the 2 hour mark I started hurting... and I kept hurting more and more. By the time I finished putting them into him I was in terrible pain. My neck and back were screaming. My blood sugar started to drop around the 3 hour mark and Chael kept brought me a drink of sweet tea a couple times. It helped enough to keep me going safely, but I felt crappy.
We got to 730 needles, roughly, and MissLilly came in and gave us a 45 minutes warning on the club opening. This caused panic. She assured us that it shouldn't be a huge deal if we went a little over, but that people would be in there (we were videotaping and taking photos, so this was a concern for us). I started moving faster.
Then about 15 minutes later the person running the meetup that night at the club comes over and tells us that in 30 minutes they are going to have a bunch of people where we are. I tell him we will be out by then, and pick up the pace as much as I can, which really wasn't much more... I was working at about my max capacity at that point.
Redeye_yo is handling the whole thing just perfect. I'm sure it was a very hard scene on him between the number we did and the speed. As said, he does awesome.
At the last 10 I give a warning. At the last 5 I tell Chael and Steffi that as soon as I place the last one they need to step in and take photos fast so I can start the pull process.
Last one in, I step back. I direct Chael in what angles and such I want that I don't see him getting.
Then, I stand next to Redeye and ask him if he's ready for pull. He said he was. I warned that I was going to be going VERY FAST and that he needs to tell me if he needs to stop. He knows and we begin.
I got those things out of him in I think less than 5 minutes.
A couple people popped over to watch and had to leave because it was hard to view.... Some places I had to take needles out one at a time.
For a lot of it I was literally grabbing a handful of needles and taking them out all at once.
Grab, drop in sharps bin, grab, drop in sharps bin.
I kept an eye on Redeye and he was doing well with it, holding Steffi's hands. When I had almost finished removing one side Chael asked if he should start tear-down while I was removing. I told him yes, go ahead and pack everything I wasn't using.
Switched to Redeye_yo's other side and kept pulling. He started to shiver and get goosebumps so I stopped and asked him if he was okay, if he needed to wait. He replied that no, he was okay... the blood running down his other side was making him cold lol. So I went back to grabbing handfuls.
Got them out of him, Aplicared his back to do a second disinfection and to get some of the blood off (he'd stopped bleeding but he was messy). Then I packed up the sharps stuff while he chilled out on the table with Steffi and recovered some.
After a bit he was up and dressing and I was finishing packing up. We four got everything out of the way, set into the lounge area of the club so we'd be out of the meet-up's way. Steffi, Redeye_yo, and I chatted a little bit, I gave him a hug, they headed out. I bummed around Sanctuary for a bit and talked to Quin and MissLilly as I tried to recover, myself. I was in pain and completely physically and emotionally exhausted.
It went great, though. It's about 24 hours later and I'm still sore and tired, but it was a ton of fun and the pictures look great. Redeye is an amazing needle bottom. I'm so thrilled to work with him.
I drove Chael and I home after I got some more Tylenol in me. It really didn't help, but hey. Another uncomfortable 2.5 hours where I repeatedly had to focus on not crying.
Today I went out to a social get-together on my own. It was a sort of thing I never do: a small party of female folks that I only very casually knew some of. This sort of thing is not easy for me at all. I had a really nice time.
The rest of today has been being home and dealing with Chael. Nothing terribly ugly, I'm just generally a mess. I think the past two days being in close contact with him + the huge stress of a big scene (topping to sharps is my very favorite thing, but topping is much harder on me than bottoming is... and these long scenes kick my ass) have maxed me out. I am crying on and off today.
Big crying. Not those a few minutes of cracking like I've been doing for the most part lately, but the big snotty hiccuping kind that go on for a while.
It hurts that after 16 years of my loving him and him seeming like he was in love with me it's not real and he doesn't feel bad at all about my leaving.
I keep thinking about how much I loved the feeling of wrapping my arms around his waist when I was so happy towards him and in love or when I was sad and letting myself feel safe and comforted by him (something that is not easy for me... that's part of this, while I can report things, showing actual emotional vulnerability in person and/or letting someone take care of me is NOT something that I am comfortable with. Chael is the only person that has ever been trusted by me in that way to that extent... others have seen what are really tiny pieces of me over the years... but Chael was my Special Person who I openly showed things with. And now I've found out that he's seen all that when it didn't actually matter to him, when he never cared that I was sad or hurt or anything.).
It hurts me to think about how wonderful the feeling was to hold him and feel held by him. How it wasn't real and how it's over and how he never understood or appreciated or felt anything other than boredom and annoyance over it.
I don't understand how someone can do that.
I am an enormously self-centered, selfish, self-serving person. And I cannot understand how someone can do that.
Two pics of the 800 needle project. Will be posted, with more, on my artblog soon.
The drive down was awful. Nothing like putting two people who haven't been in the same room for more than 5 minutes in weeks into a car for 2.5hrs together... where it's not just awkward, but for one it's actively painful and upsetting. And for the other it's annoying (again, he later described it with that word: "tedious") and that knowledge makes the worst part for the first person... that the second wants to talk to them with zero interest in them and is irritated that they aren't acting like nothing is wrong.
So 2.5 hours of hell on my side of the truck.
He's lately started to try to provoke me as he's not getting sweetness from me anymore... I guess any attention is better than none. He's been snotty around the house a couple times when there was zero cause - at least once where that was his opening tone with me on coming to my room to ask me something. It's just random rudeness to try and upset me.
So, he knows I wanted him vegan during our last month or two together. He made the change over and was doing well after we had a discussion of his (supposed) religion and how it relates to animal-eatings. He knew I was really proud of him for that while we were together.
We're driving down and we had agreed to go to a favorite restaurant that is lacto-ovo and vegan Indian food in Dallas. The menu changes every day so to know what it is ahead of time you go to the website and look. He asked me if I'd looked at the menu yet; I pulled it up on my iPad and checked it, read off the vegan things to him as I figured that was what we were both interested in.
He says, "what, no cheese enchiladas?".
Chael's already read the menu. He's set me up to be able to point out he's interested in eating cheese now.
Fine. It didn't bother me and I did catch what he was trying to do. So I just commented that I didn't know he had gone back to that. He responds that he's "struggling with it". I leave it at that as I'm not particularly concerned with his current dietary habits, whatever. But yeah, again I note that he's trying to start something with me.
We get there, we settle into MissLilly's and Chael is hovering like he's so sweet and wants to be so helpful and friendly. I finally told him to go away. After the second time of this hover-and-exchange he goes into the bedroom he and I are to use while there (MissLilly has limited space, so she let us use her bedroom. Me in the bed, Chael down on the floor).
MissLilly and I hang out for a while and talk, watch a movie. I order some food that I never get to have down here and to be polite ask Chael if he wants anything. He says he'll just have what I'm having (the only thing from Pizza Hut that is safe from that location).
I watch some more of the movie, food arrives.
We set out what is mine and MissLilly's, give Chael his. He takes it into the bedroom where he's been reading.
Then he comes out and asks me for my ranch sauce (which just comes with my food automatically).
Again, with the dairy thing. If he just wanted non-vegan food he would've ordered something normal that he likes, like, you know, pizza or such. No, he told me he wanted the same thing I was getting... then came out specifically after I started eating to ask for a dairy sauce.
Games. Around we go: He tried to upset me, I didn't care, he went back out of the room after I didn't give a big response. And again: not bothered at all by what he was doing, but did make a mental note of the game he was playing.
Bedtime came and I was absolutely exhausted so I figured I wouldn't need any Ambien. I turned the lights off, laid down, tried to sleep. He passed out.
Endless time later I'm still awake and torturing myself. I keep trying to think of other things and the unhappiness of the divorce is just eating at me and my thoughts. Try, try, try. Dammit, Ambien time.
I get up and ask Chael if he brought his, he had and I took one. Figured okay, now I'll fall asleep; it usually takes me about 15 minutes or so.
Endless time later...
It's bugging me he's in the room with me. Every other time we've slept in the same room it's been when I thought we were mutually in love. Including many happy times with me in a bed and him on the floor nearby.
We'd talked about this issue beforehand and I said I thought I could handle it. We'd just ignore each other, he'd sleep in his place, I'd sleep in mine. Fine.
I'm laying there and despite Ambien cannot sleep.
So I lay there and try to think why this is such an issue. I know I'm uncomfortable with it, I knew I would be... but why to this level? Why can't I just ignore him?
I look around inside my head for a while and it slides, whispering, into my thoughts:
you can hear him breathing
I let my mind address that and started quietly crying. My stomach twisted, my throat tightened, and the tears just ran off me.
I could hear him breathing. I have 16 years of knowing that breathing. I have laid awake so many nights that I can't count next to him listening to him breathe and thinking how much I loved him and how much I treasured being familiar with the cadence of his breath. Holding him and feeling how exactly it mismatches with mismatches with mine as I'm trying to fall asleep next to him. Loving the sound of it.
I pull myself together some and stop crying. I start debating whether or not I can handle this. Should I get him up and have him move out of the room or can I push it aside and finally conk out?
I keep thinking about his breathing, keep feeling that anger and loss as I hear it from the end of the bed. I think about the way he has this light to medium sort of on-and-off snore that he does when he's very deep asleep and how I've loved that too... again, laid awake giggling to myself over it... being frustrated by it... loved being familiar with it and having it a part of him being next to me.
and then the snore started
I started bawling again. I debated a second more and knew I just couldn't handle this. That I'd not get any sleep and that it was like someone was gutting me with a hook to listen to it.
So I got up and told him he had to move.
He was pissed and pissy with me. He asked why. I told him I couldn't handle it. He asked why. I told him I didn't want to get into it and started crying. He snidely pointed out that I said I'd be okay with it. I told him I was wrong and that I couldn't.
Chael let me know I was a horrible person and that he, of course, didn't care other than being put out about needing to move.
I told him where he could be as it was a bit tricky due to limited space at MissLilly's and finally just gave up on his attitude and went to bed. I cried a little and passed out quickly when I no longer could hear him sleeping near me.
We had our normal uncomfortable interactions the next morning, then I came into the bedroom to get stuff and he's in the bed that was My Area for that trip, laying on his back, hands behind his head, looking relaxed and comfy.
Another game.
I decide, okay, we're going to address this.
We talk. I point out that I am aware of the stuff he's pulling to try to get me angry and that it's clear he's trying to get any kind of emotional outburst from me that he can... good or bad, just any attention.
He asks what he's done. I point the things out and he admits most of them.
I tell him in a firm voice that he has no place to be rude to me.
Chael says his patience is getting thin.
I ask patience over what (as if I don't know, granted).
He replies, basically, that he's running out of patience with waiting for me to go back to being my normal nice, friendly, loving self with him.
Again, I'm not mad. I am just endlessly not understanding how someone can think like this.
We talk a bit and he expresses not understanding why he should be nice towards me if he's "not even going to get a thank you".
I point out that he should be acting like a decent human being to me and doing what's right because of what he's done wrong.
I also point out that I have already told him I knew this would start: that he would start being nasty towards me, then he would try to take Jonesy, then he would try to screw me out of a military move if he can and that he's stated he would help me with if the timing of the divorce went wrong.
His response to these three items?
"I won't try to take Jonesy"
This is Chael for "you can bet on the other two".
The conversation goes on about like this, with him saying in various ways that if I don't start being sweet to him he's going to start trying to fuck me over.
I point that out firmly to him that that is what he's doing, that he's threatening me.
Eventually it just gets dropped as this discussion isn't going to get better and I know where things are most likely headed.
So we do the scene with Redeye_yo. I put 800 needles into Redeye and he took it just awesome, like always. I take a painkiller before we start long scenes but at about the 2 hour mark I started hurting... and I kept hurting more and more. By the time I finished putting them into him I was in terrible pain. My neck and back were screaming. My blood sugar started to drop around the 3 hour mark and Chael kept brought me a drink of sweet tea a couple times. It helped enough to keep me going safely, but I felt crappy.
We got to 730 needles, roughly, and MissLilly came in and gave us a 45 minutes warning on the club opening. This caused panic. She assured us that it shouldn't be a huge deal if we went a little over, but that people would be in there (we were videotaping and taking photos, so this was a concern for us). I started moving faster.
Then about 15 minutes later the person running the meetup that night at the club comes over and tells us that in 30 minutes they are going to have a bunch of people where we are. I tell him we will be out by then, and pick up the pace as much as I can, which really wasn't much more... I was working at about my max capacity at that point.
Redeye_yo is handling the whole thing just perfect. I'm sure it was a very hard scene on him between the number we did and the speed. As said, he does awesome.
At the last 10 I give a warning. At the last 5 I tell Chael and Steffi that as soon as I place the last one they need to step in and take photos fast so I can start the pull process.
Last one in, I step back. I direct Chael in what angles and such I want that I don't see him getting.
Then, I stand next to Redeye and ask him if he's ready for pull. He said he was. I warned that I was going to be going VERY FAST and that he needs to tell me if he needs to stop. He knows and we begin.
I got those things out of him in I think less than 5 minutes.
A couple people popped over to watch and had to leave because it was hard to view.... Some places I had to take needles out one at a time.
For a lot of it I was literally grabbing a handful of needles and taking them out all at once.
Grab, drop in sharps bin, grab, drop in sharps bin.
I kept an eye on Redeye and he was doing well with it, holding Steffi's hands. When I had almost finished removing one side Chael asked if he should start tear-down while I was removing. I told him yes, go ahead and pack everything I wasn't using.
Switched to Redeye_yo's other side and kept pulling. He started to shiver and get goosebumps so I stopped and asked him if he was okay, if he needed to wait. He replied that no, he was okay... the blood running down his other side was making him cold lol. So I went back to grabbing handfuls.
Got them out of him, Aplicared his back to do a second disinfection and to get some of the blood off (he'd stopped bleeding but he was messy). Then I packed up the sharps stuff while he chilled out on the table with Steffi and recovered some.
After a bit he was up and dressing and I was finishing packing up. We four got everything out of the way, set into the lounge area of the club so we'd be out of the meet-up's way. Steffi, Redeye_yo, and I chatted a little bit, I gave him a hug, they headed out. I bummed around Sanctuary for a bit and talked to Quin and MissLilly as I tried to recover, myself. I was in pain and completely physically and emotionally exhausted.
It went great, though. It's about 24 hours later and I'm still sore and tired, but it was a ton of fun and the pictures look great. Redeye is an amazing needle bottom. I'm so thrilled to work with him.
I drove Chael and I home after I got some more Tylenol in me. It really didn't help, but hey. Another uncomfortable 2.5 hours where I repeatedly had to focus on not crying.
Today I went out to a social get-together on my own. It was a sort of thing I never do: a small party of female folks that I only very casually knew some of. This sort of thing is not easy for me at all. I had a really nice time.
The rest of today has been being home and dealing with Chael. Nothing terribly ugly, I'm just generally a mess. I think the past two days being in close contact with him + the huge stress of a big scene (topping to sharps is my very favorite thing, but topping is much harder on me than bottoming is... and these long scenes kick my ass) have maxed me out. I am crying on and off today.
Big crying. Not those a few minutes of cracking like I've been doing for the most part lately, but the big snotty hiccuping kind that go on for a while.
It hurts that after 16 years of my loving him and him seeming like he was in love with me it's not real and he doesn't feel bad at all about my leaving.
I keep thinking about how much I loved the feeling of wrapping my arms around his waist when I was so happy towards him and in love or when I was sad and letting myself feel safe and comforted by him (something that is not easy for me... that's part of this, while I can report things, showing actual emotional vulnerability in person and/or letting someone take care of me is NOT something that I am comfortable with. Chael is the only person that has ever been trusted by me in that way to that extent... others have seen what are really tiny pieces of me over the years... but Chael was my Special Person who I openly showed things with. And now I've found out that he's seen all that when it didn't actually matter to him, when he never cared that I was sad or hurt or anything.).
It hurts me to think about how wonderful the feeling was to hold him and feel held by him. How it wasn't real and how it's over and how he never understood or appreciated or felt anything other than boredom and annoyance over it.
I don't understand how someone can do that.
I am an enormously self-centered, selfish, self-serving person. And I cannot understand how someone can do that.
Two pics of the 800 needle project. Will be posted, with more, on my artblog soon.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Told Mom
I sent my mom a good bunch of the details with Chael in an email. Stuff I've talked about here, basically points on the why I'm not taking him to NYC with me anymore and all that.
She actually called me as just a regular call after I sent it as she hadn't read it yet (she's not great about keeping up on the email being somewhat technologically impaired still. She uses it, but I think I may be the only person who actually has emailed her... maybe my sister has, but I doubt it as they talk in person almost every day it seems).
We talked generic normal chatty stuff and then I told her I'd sent her the email and that I'll be cutting all ties with Chael. It was an awkward conversation but hey.
Before that, Chael had come home from work... he had in his hands a box for me from Amazon I'd ordered and a yellow rose he'd told me last week that he ordered from me as a gesture of friendship. When I pointed out last week that he isn't my friend, we're not friends, he got teary and expressed that it was "more a hope" in a choked-up voice.
Because, you know, he hasn't totally told me over and over how things like that are just empty manipulation gestures. Or that roses hold a special significance from when we very first got together and he used to sneak me ones as surprises all the time and has brought me bouquets and singles over the years as acts of love and romance... which he's stated over and over were just doing them as a fake role which he is now feeling "liberated" from pretending to.
Yeah, right, I'm so moved.
He said he brought me a flower.
I said "why?".
He said that he told me last week that he had ordered it.
I just looked at him, irritated.
He said - as though absolving me from guilt! - that I didn't need to accept it.
I responded that I wasn't, rolled back onto my stomach to play on the computer, and waved my hand back at him as a sign he was to leave my room. That he was dismissed from my presence, in my opinion and intentions.
But yeah, after talking to mom I tried a smoothie recipe I got online, managed to get it poured all over the counter and floor of the kitchen, remade it after cleaning up.
Found it was pretty disgusting. Decided to make Crispy Tenders. Burnt the hell out of them. Went and hooked myself up with some junkfood, came home and read. Now I'm here.
He keeps offering to get me things when he goes out and asking me if I need anything when he goes by my room sometimes.
No, no I don't. Not from you.
If I absolutely can't reach something or some such, I'll ask just like I would a stranger at the supermarket. I'm not letting you do things for me that I let you do because I thought you were being a sweetheart and liked you doing them for me.
Uh-uhn.
So Jonesy and I are chillin'.
Had some great chatting with Delta House members today.
Also, been having a couple of nice talks here and there with some CollarMe guys. And have told a few guys off on OKCupid.
I'm not at all going to jump into another real romantic thing anytime in the near future. Sex, casualness, friendly-light-romance, but nothing serious. I need time to just be me on my own for a while to adjust to life as not-married-to-Chael in my new home after I move.
Doesn't mean I'm not open to purely service or friendly-PE/BDSM interactions, and I'm seeing what comes my way on those... but nothing more involved for a good bit.
Looking forward to Camp, as always. Moving my regular bed to a new location. I've been wanting an end spot in general and so I can workout more room for my stuff. Usually I'm between a couple other beds.
So, totally gonna see the leather family... plus I'll be living much closer to the bulk of us (I'm pretty much currently the most south and west of the really active members. All but one of us lives in the NE) and will be able to visit folks more often (and have them visit me!).
I don't plan to ever get married again. This isn't purely a currently-breaking-up thought... I've known and stated for a long while now that if anything ever happened to Chael and I, death or divorce, I really didn't feel I'd ever want to marry again. Love someone? Share my life with them? Yep. Marry? Nope.
I took one bath today in Lush stuff to start my day and try to use it as a relaxer, I think I may take another one. Or maybe just a shower with stuff.
I'd been so looking forward to Zumba tomorrow night, then a 2hour Zumbathon Saturday, then a get-together at one of the fellow-Zumbaer's house Sunday. Totally forgot we're driving up to Dallas tomorrow night to do the 800 needle project Saturday mid-day. Original plan was to drive back Sunday morning, but I want to go to the party so I decided we'll drive home Saturday night.
Chael's agreed to go up with me to do the photos and so I can use his truck to bring up the massage table and lights and stuff. It frustrates and makes me roll my eyes to accept his help in this, but it's not a used-to-be-regular-all-the-time sweetness thing that repulses me and there's no one else to do it. So, there we go.
He just came in to tell me he's cooking both artichokes and ask if I wanted one. I was resistant, then said yes as I like artichokes, he went to do it and my stomach started twisting. He used to make me artichokes as a sweetness of making me food and presenting me with the artichoke and melted butter and everything. I went out and told him I'd a change of mind, no.
It may sound stupid, but service was a huge, huge, huge part of our relationship... I loved how he doted on me and I accepted it in a way that really touched me. Even little things like that make my stomach hurt and make me upset.
Anyways. Saturday Redeye_yo and I are attempting 800 needles. While I don't plan anything out ahead of time, I think I'm going to go with a different style and approach the other large ones have been in.
Wish us luck on him being able to take them all and it coming out pretty!
She actually called me as just a regular call after I sent it as she hadn't read it yet (she's not great about keeping up on the email being somewhat technologically impaired still. She uses it, but I think I may be the only person who actually has emailed her... maybe my sister has, but I doubt it as they talk in person almost every day it seems).
We talked generic normal chatty stuff and then I told her I'd sent her the email and that I'll be cutting all ties with Chael. It was an awkward conversation but hey.
Before that, Chael had come home from work... he had in his hands a box for me from Amazon I'd ordered and a yellow rose he'd told me last week that he ordered from me as a gesture of friendship. When I pointed out last week that he isn't my friend, we're not friends, he got teary and expressed that it was "more a hope" in a choked-up voice.
Because, you know, he hasn't totally told me over and over how things like that are just empty manipulation gestures. Or that roses hold a special significance from when we very first got together and he used to sneak me ones as surprises all the time and has brought me bouquets and singles over the years as acts of love and romance... which he's stated over and over were just doing them as a fake role which he is now feeling "liberated" from pretending to.
Yeah, right, I'm so moved.
He said he brought me a flower.
I said "why?".
He said that he told me last week that he had ordered it.
I just looked at him, irritated.
He said - as though absolving me from guilt! - that I didn't need to accept it.
I responded that I wasn't, rolled back onto my stomach to play on the computer, and waved my hand back at him as a sign he was to leave my room. That he was dismissed from my presence, in my opinion and intentions.
But yeah, after talking to mom I tried a smoothie recipe I got online, managed to get it poured all over the counter and floor of the kitchen, remade it after cleaning up.
Found it was pretty disgusting. Decided to make Crispy Tenders. Burnt the hell out of them. Went and hooked myself up with some junkfood, came home and read. Now I'm here.
He keeps offering to get me things when he goes out and asking me if I need anything when he goes by my room sometimes.
No, no I don't. Not from you.
If I absolutely can't reach something or some such, I'll ask just like I would a stranger at the supermarket. I'm not letting you do things for me that I let you do because I thought you were being a sweetheart and liked you doing them for me.
Uh-uhn.
So Jonesy and I are chillin'.
Had some great chatting with Delta House members today.
Also, been having a couple of nice talks here and there with some CollarMe guys. And have told a few guys off on OKCupid.
I'm not at all going to jump into another real romantic thing anytime in the near future. Sex, casualness, friendly-light-romance, but nothing serious. I need time to just be me on my own for a while to adjust to life as not-married-to-Chael in my new home after I move.
Doesn't mean I'm not open to purely service or friendly-PE/BDSM interactions, and I'm seeing what comes my way on those... but nothing more involved for a good bit.
Looking forward to Camp, as always. Moving my regular bed to a new location. I've been wanting an end spot in general and so I can workout more room for my stuff. Usually I'm between a couple other beds.
So, totally gonna see the leather family... plus I'll be living much closer to the bulk of us (I'm pretty much currently the most south and west of the really active members. All but one of us lives in the NE) and will be able to visit folks more often (and have them visit me!).
I don't plan to ever get married again. This isn't purely a currently-breaking-up thought... I've known and stated for a long while now that if anything ever happened to Chael and I, death or divorce, I really didn't feel I'd ever want to marry again. Love someone? Share my life with them? Yep. Marry? Nope.
I took one bath today in Lush stuff to start my day and try to use it as a relaxer, I think I may take another one. Or maybe just a shower with stuff.
I'd been so looking forward to Zumba tomorrow night, then a 2hour Zumbathon Saturday, then a get-together at one of the fellow-Zumbaer's house Sunday. Totally forgot we're driving up to Dallas tomorrow night to do the 800 needle project Saturday mid-day. Original plan was to drive back Sunday morning, but I want to go to the party so I decided we'll drive home Saturday night.
Chael's agreed to go up with me to do the photos and so I can use his truck to bring up the massage table and lights and stuff. It frustrates and makes me roll my eyes to accept his help in this, but it's not a used-to-be-regular-all-the-time sweetness thing that repulses me and there's no one else to do it. So, there we go.
He just came in to tell me he's cooking both artichokes and ask if I wanted one. I was resistant, then said yes as I like artichokes, he went to do it and my stomach started twisting. He used to make me artichokes as a sweetness of making me food and presenting me with the artichoke and melted butter and everything. I went out and told him I'd a change of mind, no.
It may sound stupid, but service was a huge, huge, huge part of our relationship... I loved how he doted on me and I accepted it in a way that really touched me. Even little things like that make my stomach hurt and make me upset.
Anyways. Saturday Redeye_yo and I are attempting 800 needles. While I don't plan anything out ahead of time, I think I'm going to go with a different style and approach the other large ones have been in.
Wish us luck on him being able to take them all and it coming out pretty!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Dancing
I went out on my own to Walmart to get a new blender (got an Oster that changes directions and a single-serve drink attachment for it) and to HEB for food (salad, fruit, pretend meat), in that order.
At HEB I got one of the little carts as I love those things... they're the perfect size for us little people and so fun.
They were playing My Prerogative by Bobby Brown on the sound system.
I seriously was in a great mood and dancing around the store while pushing my cart, singing to it.
Fuck him and fuck the people who gave me odd looks. It was freakin' awesome.
At HEB I got one of the little carts as I love those things... they're the perfect size for us little people and so fun.
They were playing My Prerogative by Bobby Brown on the sound system.
I seriously was in a great mood and dancing around the store while pushing my cart, singing to it.
Fuck him and fuck the people who gave me odd looks. It was freakin' awesome.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Future Privacy Take 2
I posted this once, rethought it, deleted it, and am now posting it again. Bear with me.
I think Chael may be reading this and trying to use things I share in his manipulation and lying games on me. I cannot be sure, but for my own well-being I will be password-protecting further posts that have things about what's going on that I think he could use in this.
All other sorts of posts will still be publicly viewable. After things are safer for me here I will remove the password-protection so everything is back out there.
If you are a friend or family member of mine, send me a message asking for the password. If you are a reader who wants to keep reading, send me a message asking for the password.
The first will get it right away.
The second will get it if I feel like they aren't a sock for Chael (he's not shown any direct intention of such, but given what I've learned about him I feel there's a risk). This won't be any huge set of hoops to jump through... if you've commented or "liked" on this blog in the past or we are on other sites together or you have an established web history it's cool and I'll send it. I'm just going to be weeding those who look, after a bit of googling, like they might be socks.
Again, please bear with me. I'm dealing with stuff that has gone totally around the bend into wacky-world.
I think Chael may be reading this and trying to use things I share in his manipulation and lying games on me. I cannot be sure, but for my own well-being I will be password-protecting further posts that have things about what's going on that I think he could use in this.
All other sorts of posts will still be publicly viewable. After things are safer for me here I will remove the password-protection so everything is back out there.
If you are a friend or family member of mine, send me a message asking for the password. If you are a reader who wants to keep reading, send me a message asking for the password.
The first will get it right away.
The second will get it if I feel like they aren't a sock for Chael (he's not shown any direct intention of such, but given what I've learned about him I feel there's a risk). This won't be any huge set of hoops to jump through... if you've commented or "liked" on this blog in the past or we are on other sites together or you have an established web history it's cool and I'll send it. I'm just going to be weeding those who look, after a bit of googling, like they might be socks.
Again, please bear with me. I'm dealing with stuff that has gone totally around the bend into wacky-world.
Future Privacy
I have a reason to suspect that Chael may be using things I'm posting here as a form of manipulation in his game-playing and lying to me. I cannot be sure, due to the nature of that, but to be safe with myself this blog will be password-protected from now on regarding anything of potential use to him I can think of. Other posts will still be open to view. This will last until I think it's safe to put things back out public; at that point I'll take protection off everything so that the whole story/process I've been sharing is out there.
In the meantime, I still want folks I recognize as not-him to be able to read, so if you've liked my past stuff or want to follow what is up with me in all this just send me a message through my email or the contact form here or chat or however you know me. I'll send you the password.
Thanks and I hope you understand.
In the meantime, I still want folks I recognize as not-him to be able to read, so if you've liked my past stuff or want to follow what is up with me in all this just send me a message through my email or the contact form here or chat or however you know me. I'll send you the password.
Thanks and I hope you understand.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Domina of Your Dreams
Sometimes you just want a slave to put Lotrimin between your toes cuz you think you might be getting athlete's foot.
Parting For Sure
Back a couple days ago when I said I'd made another decision regarding Chael? Well, it's still raw but I can talk about it now: After the divorce we're parting ways. He's not getting any more chances regarding coming with me to NYC or otherwise being a fixture in my life.
Everything past and present has been a lie. He can't remember any time, besides Pixel's death, that he's genuinely felt bad about anything regarding someone else in the entire time I've known him. He doesn't care that I'm divorcing him or that I'm dropping him out of my life and not taking him to NYC.
In fact, he expresses feeling "liberated" by my divorcing him because he doesn't have to "play the complex role" of being my husband (i.e. pretending to care how my day was, wanting to hold hands with me, caring if I was crying or mad about something, etc). He'd like to go on serving me as that was a "simpler role" for him to fake (and he admits it, like the marriage, would be him faking all the time and not showing any genuine emotion for me).
He cannot feel empathy. He has no interest in other people. He doesn't care about them coming into or leaving his life.
To, of course, include me.
Those are basically what the total and constant lying come down to: he doesn't know how to be a real person. He's not even sure if he *has* a real personality because all he can think to do is pretend one for others. As I mentioned before, it's not just his words... it's his whole body, his facial expressions. He lies like that without even thinking about it, it's automatic.
He basically just functions by social cues. He knows he *should* feel sad in X situation, so that's how he reacts: as though he's sad. He knows he *should* be interested in what you did today, so that's how he reacts: he asks you how your day was. He knows he *should* care that you could die due to something, so that's how he reacts: as though he's concerned.
But none of these reactions are real. Chael says he never feels any interest in others or feelings about their feelings other than making them happy makes him happy.
That doesn't sound too bad, right? That's a positive and warm trait in someone that is usually a really sweet thing.
No. Because on further explaining from him it's not about happiness in someone else feeling good, it's about manipulating them into thinking well of him so that he gets what he wants from them and that when people are happy around him his life is easier.
What a nightmare.
And no, this isn't a case of "she's assuming" or "this is her impression". This is "these are directly things he's said to her".
For 16 years he would randomly grab me, twirl me around, dance with me, and hug me in a grocery store without my ever stating I wanted this... something he started out of the blue when we were dating, something he always did spontaneously without my prompting... and it was him playing me. It was fake, a role he admits playing, he never did it out of love. It was always an act to make me *think* he wanted to do that to me because he loved me and was that kind of person. It would get me to stick around and I'm nice to him.
That last line is the summary of everything he's ever done nice for me in our relationship: it would get me to stick around and I'm nice to him.
He expresses he wouldn't mind if I died tomorrow. He wouldn't be at all upset.
He's happy to have been found out and not have to pretend to all the nice things he used to pretend to. He expresses it's a "great weight off him".
I was madly in love with a romantic, kind, frustrating, annoying, interesting, man who never existed.
Everything past and present has been a lie. He can't remember any time, besides Pixel's death, that he's genuinely felt bad about anything regarding someone else in the entire time I've known him. He doesn't care that I'm divorcing him or that I'm dropping him out of my life and not taking him to NYC.
In fact, he expresses feeling "liberated" by my divorcing him because he doesn't have to "play the complex role" of being my husband (i.e. pretending to care how my day was, wanting to hold hands with me, caring if I was crying or mad about something, etc). He'd like to go on serving me as that was a "simpler role" for him to fake (and he admits it, like the marriage, would be him faking all the time and not showing any genuine emotion for me).
He cannot feel empathy. He has no interest in other people. He doesn't care about them coming into or leaving his life.
To, of course, include me.
Those are basically what the total and constant lying come down to: he doesn't know how to be a real person. He's not even sure if he *has* a real personality because all he can think to do is pretend one for others. As I mentioned before, it's not just his words... it's his whole body, his facial expressions. He lies like that without even thinking about it, it's automatic.
He basically just functions by social cues. He knows he *should* feel sad in X situation, so that's how he reacts: as though he's sad. He knows he *should* be interested in what you did today, so that's how he reacts: he asks you how your day was. He knows he *should* care that you could die due to something, so that's how he reacts: as though he's concerned.
But none of these reactions are real. Chael says he never feels any interest in others or feelings about their feelings other than making them happy makes him happy.
That doesn't sound too bad, right? That's a positive and warm trait in someone that is usually a really sweet thing.
No. Because on further explaining from him it's not about happiness in someone else feeling good, it's about manipulating them into thinking well of him so that he gets what he wants from them and that when people are happy around him his life is easier.
What a nightmare.
And no, this isn't a case of "she's assuming" or "this is her impression". This is "these are directly things he's said to her".
For 16 years he would randomly grab me, twirl me around, dance with me, and hug me in a grocery store without my ever stating I wanted this... something he started out of the blue when we were dating, something he always did spontaneously without my prompting... and it was him playing me. It was fake, a role he admits playing, he never did it out of love. It was always an act to make me *think* he wanted to do that to me because he loved me and was that kind of person. It would get me to stick around and I'm nice to him.
That last line is the summary of everything he's ever done nice for me in our relationship: it would get me to stick around and I'm nice to him.
He expresses he wouldn't mind if I died tomorrow. He wouldn't be at all upset.
He's happy to have been found out and not have to pretend to all the nice things he used to pretend to. He expresses it's a "great weight off him".
I was madly in love with a romantic, kind, frustrating, annoying, interesting, man who never existed.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
On a More Silly Angle
So, I've been talking to a few potential friends/subs online from CM and other places regarding my move to NYC these past few months.
One that I chat with has a couple times sent me YIMs that were very disjointed and bordering on creepy at times. But when I pointed out how his responses aren't making sense, that he's skipping from one thing to another he has straightened up and answered in a normal fashion. So I just chalked it up to not really paying attention or thoughts jumping around... while still having that "hmmm" thing going where I was putting him down the list mentally a bit.
We're talking yesterday and he's doing it again. Jumping topics in ways that really didn't make sense, sending comments that were really going over into the creepy-meter area, etc. He mixed this with being a bit demanding about why haven't I responded to him... when I'd been responding.
It seemed maybe he just wasn't receiving my messages correctly, as can happen on such things. After a bit of this back and forth, he stated that there seemed to be some delay issue with his phone, which he was using to IM.
Okay, fine, that happens... but that doesn't explain the not-making-sense jumps in responses and the nature of some of them. But I'm not doing anything other than web-serfing, so what the hell; no skin off my nose and, frankly, I was wondering just what direction all this was going to take next.
So this goes on a little bit (this wasn't a long conversation at all, just a few lines exchanged due to it's nature) where he isn't responding to what I am replying with. I shrug it off and go on with my piddling around the net.
Then he sends me "ur so hot to me -black hair and ur so kinky".
I haven't had black hair in 15 years. None of my pictures anywhere on the net show me with it.
So, busted. He either doesn't know who he's talking to at all and has been ass-kissing me despite it or he's talking at the same time with someone else and sent the wrong text to me.
I answer with a "yeaahhhhhh, no black hair here" sort of response.
Instead of backing up and owning it, asking who I am again or explaining that oh, that was for someone else or any such there is just another pause and he then sends me a message totally unrelated to my busting him saying how he's looking forward to me getting to NYC.
No longer speaking with him.
I don't expect any potential slave to be talking to just me. I'm shopping around, I fully expect them to be shopping around.
I don't expect them to only be texting me at a given time. I talk to more than one person online via whatever medium, I expect others to, too.
But damn, man, keep your people straight. And if you don't and screw up on it, admit it and fix it. I know I've said to people "it's been a while since we talked, could you link me to your profile again?" so I can figure out who the hell I'm talking to lol.
And since I'm now addressing it, what the heck with the creepy comments? Were they appropriate to the other person you were speaking to or were they actually directed at me and just uncomfortable in our interaction?
So yeah, that gave me a laugh.
It's like, really: dude, just admit you screwed up and ask me who the hell I am. It will make me laugh. Ignoring it? Well yeah, no more chatting with him.
One that I chat with has a couple times sent me YIMs that were very disjointed and bordering on creepy at times. But when I pointed out how his responses aren't making sense, that he's skipping from one thing to another he has straightened up and answered in a normal fashion. So I just chalked it up to not really paying attention or thoughts jumping around... while still having that "hmmm" thing going where I was putting him down the list mentally a bit.
We're talking yesterday and he's doing it again. Jumping topics in ways that really didn't make sense, sending comments that were really going over into the creepy-meter area, etc. He mixed this with being a bit demanding about why haven't I responded to him... when I'd been responding.
It seemed maybe he just wasn't receiving my messages correctly, as can happen on such things. After a bit of this back and forth, he stated that there seemed to be some delay issue with his phone, which he was using to IM.
Okay, fine, that happens... but that doesn't explain the not-making-sense jumps in responses and the nature of some of them. But I'm not doing anything other than web-serfing, so what the hell; no skin off my nose and, frankly, I was wondering just what direction all this was going to take next.
So this goes on a little bit (this wasn't a long conversation at all, just a few lines exchanged due to it's nature) where he isn't responding to what I am replying with. I shrug it off and go on with my piddling around the net.
Then he sends me "ur so hot to me -black hair and ur so kinky".
I haven't had black hair in 15 years. None of my pictures anywhere on the net show me with it.
So, busted. He either doesn't know who he's talking to at all and has been ass-kissing me despite it or he's talking at the same time with someone else and sent the wrong text to me.
I answer with a "yeaahhhhhh, no black hair here" sort of response.
Instead of backing up and owning it, asking who I am again or explaining that oh, that was for someone else or any such there is just another pause and he then sends me a message totally unrelated to my busting him saying how he's looking forward to me getting to NYC.
No longer speaking with him.
I don't expect any potential slave to be talking to just me. I'm shopping around, I fully expect them to be shopping around.
I don't expect them to only be texting me at a given time. I talk to more than one person online via whatever medium, I expect others to, too.
But damn, man, keep your people straight. And if you don't and screw up on it, admit it and fix it. I know I've said to people "it's been a while since we talked, could you link me to your profile again?" so I can figure out who the hell I'm talking to lol.
And since I'm now addressing it, what the heck with the creepy comments? Were they appropriate to the other person you were speaking to or were they actually directed at me and just uncomfortable in our interaction?
So yeah, that gave me a laugh.
It's like, really: dude, just admit you screwed up and ask me who the hell I am. It will make me laugh. Ignoring it? Well yeah, no more chatting with him.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Another
More lying. Faking and lying and horribleness these past couple weeks, even beyond what I recognized.
I've made a decision. Another one.
I know I'm making the right decision, but it's ripping my guts out.
Not ready yet to talk about it.
I've made a decision. Another one.
I know I'm making the right decision, but it's ripping my guts out.
Not ready yet to talk about it.
Waiver, Decree, Petition
Got those forms by email today. Gonna serve Chael tonight after he gets home. We have a couple lines to fill in, then send it back.
If he agrees to sign the waiver (which I assume he will) we need to see a notary public to witness it. I'm going to google our local ones, maybe we can get that done today as he gets out early on Thursdays.
Tummy-gripping morning due to this. My Delta's are amusing me, so that helps.
Printed everything out.
Oh boy.
On a different topic, I also printed out a form from Social Security to have them start taxing me monthly on my benefits instead of taking a big chunk when doing my Federal Income Tax each year. Turns out I can mail it to them (at first it looked like I'd have to actually go to the office to deliver it), so yay.
If he agrees to sign the waiver (which I assume he will) we need to see a notary public to witness it. I'm going to google our local ones, maybe we can get that done today as he gets out early on Thursdays.
Tummy-gripping morning due to this. My Delta's are amusing me, so that helps.
Printed everything out.
Oh boy.
On a different topic, I also printed out a form from Social Security to have them start taxing me monthly on my benefits instead of taking a big chunk when doing my Federal Income Tax each year. Turns out I can mail it to them (at first it looked like I'd have to actually go to the office to deliver it), so yay.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Therapy and Not Much to Say
Not much to say, really. The past couple days have been going pretty much the same.
Monday I went and talked to my therapist (well, he's not really like a regular therapist to me... he's the therapist I like at the VA and used to see, so when I wanted to talk to someone I requested him). That was really good. He's a nice guy and good at his job, he listened and gave me some good stuff to think about. He also got me a same-day meds appointment where I was squeezed in to a new psychdoc a few hours later.
It meant another 80 minute round-trip to Temple that day, but it was worth it. She gave me Ambien and the first quick-acting anxiety medication that any doctor has given me ever. Of over 10 years of panic attacks. I get the constant impression I'm considered drug-seeking whenever I've asked for that sort of thing (and in general, sigh) but this lady took me seriously and prescribed.
Haven't needed to use any yet, while I've had anger and upset the past couple days I've not had huge anxiety rushes where I need drugging lol.
We had a long talk Monday, Chael and I. More horribleness. Not an ugly conversation or anything, just hurtful... More angles to what I already knew, new aspects of the lying and stuff.
Then we went to his therapist on Tuesday... and I have no idea what is going on in his head. The denial, the lying, the bizarre twist on memories discussed... it's unreal.
And, of course, he's been lying to me in the ways I've caught him this couple or so weeks plus the subjective things I couldn't directly catch him in.
All.Day.Long. he lies. Constantly. To everybody. It's really sick. As in, not well... not...right in the head.
Again, I caught him out several times in front of the therapist.
I get the direct impression the therapist has no idea what to do with him, either. Good guy, but this is not a "So, what is stressing you out and triggering your depression with work? How is that doing?" sort of thing that Chael was sent to him for.
And it may very well be the case that these past 15 years Chael hasn't loved me. He's currently trying to figure out whether he has or does at all or not. No solid word yet.
His "homework" for therapy is to figure out what he actually feels about anyone ever and in what ways, then in theory the doc will work with him from there on those details and why he lies and fakes with everyone he comes into contact with.
I told him that Dr. Roger's (my therapist from the other day) thinks it would be best if he moved out and that while I don't have to do it immediately, that's the case in his opinion. I'm inclined to agree. I don't know what's wrong with Chael or if it can ever be fixed, I'm divorcing him, and it just hurts as I keep watching him lie to me.
Not in that his new lies upset me... like I said, I'm at a point of emotion and acceptance where it just doesn't matter. But finding out and re-affirming old ones... twists my insides.
There will never be flowers again. No holding hands. No cuddles before bed.
He wants to stay with me, he thinks I'm wonderful, he wants to continue to serve me... but he doesn't really care about losing me.
Dr. Roger's suggested that when I feel like this or when I start getting super-angry to try and think about what good has come from the marriage, the experience of it.
I can't really think of anything as far as the relationship itself goes. I had some very nice times with Chael... things we've done together, sweetnesses we shared and that I loved... but they weren't real. He lied all through them. For the most part they were manipulations he says. They were just part of the way he shows a fake personality to everyone.
So what am I supposed to take away from that? Other relationships that have ended, whether rough or not, have had things I learned from them... things I brought out of them as good experiences, happy memories... things I learned I wanted or didn't want in the future.
But what do you get when all your happy memories were faked by the other person? When you never even knew who they really were, felt, or thought all those years?
What do you take away when all you can say that you learned is what you already knew: that no one ever really knows anyone. That like I've pointed out to others for decades now, starting before this marriage, you can know someone for years or, as a parent, their entire life and still find out one day that you don't know them at all or that they have been doing horrible things you would never suspect of them like pedophilia or skinning kittens or raping and eating joggers they abduct or whatever. Because that does happen to people.
And then it happened to me. Irony.
So far the only good thing I've been able to salvage in my mind about this relationship isn't actually about the relationship... it's that due to being married to him I got to go to Germany to live and traveled all over Europe on my own.
That, and Pixel and Jonesy. I wouldn't have had those two particular wonderful kitties in my life if we'd not been married and we'd gotten them for me.
So Europe travel and two cats. 15+ years together and that's the total so far.
The endless lying. I watch it with him when speaking to others, when speaking to me. Not just his words... it's... his whole self. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice... he sounds normal. There isn't the mismatch that most people tend to have if they lie more than the occasional social-lubricant type. It's sad, for both me AND him... I can't imagine living like that, not being yourself ever.
Everybody lies to some extent... from major to little tiny politenesses, depending on the person and what is going on with them. I don't know how to express that this is not that. There is nothing he says about himself or that he does with others that can be trusted, because he will and does lie about any and all of it.
Again, it's not a malicious thing. His intent is not to hurt others or to be mean to people. He just wants them to think well of him and he doesn't care what he has to do or tell them to make them do so. Even when he knows it can or does hurt them.
He sat down next to my bed and with tears in his eyes asked me not to go. Told me he was not okay and that he wanted me to stay.
Then later admitted he's not particularly upset about any of this.
He wasn't doing it to try and be a bastard to me, he just wants me to stick around so he'll fake emotions to get me to.
How sick is that?
Thankfully, for my heart and mind, I didn't believe a word of it when he said it.
The only thing I trust out of him nowadays is that he does what he's told the majority of the time, like before. Tell him to clean the kitchen: he does. Tell him I want him to get X from the grocery on his way home: he does.
It may be he's honestly not capable of more emotion than what I'm finding, again towards me or anyone. He expresses thinking I'm the best person he's ever known and caring for me the most out of anyone... but he's not sure he loves me or has during any point in our marriage. And has continually lied his ass off to me like he does with everyone else.
Anyway, nothing is changing as far as my plans. Divorce, move to NYC. With or without him.
Things are definitely more likely without him. I'm not going to keep him around for his sake. There has to be enough in it for me and as I've said before I'm promising nothing past the next 5 minutes. So far as the days go by I'm seeing less and less in it for me.
It may sound to others like I'm holding on to something or that I'm still attached in a love sort of way and waffling... I can assure you that's not the case. I don't love him anymore, not after all I've learned. I'm not rethinking the divorce or thinking that we'll ever have what I thought we had. It's utilitarian now... he's useful. Plus, I do hope that he someday fixes this about himself whether or not I still know him if/when he does. I don't hate him, I wish him well, I hope someday he can be okay. But I'm no longer connected and in love and looking forward with him.
I have plans for my life, and he may be lucky enough to tag along.
Monday I went and talked to my therapist (well, he's not really like a regular therapist to me... he's the therapist I like at the VA and used to see, so when I wanted to talk to someone I requested him). That was really good. He's a nice guy and good at his job, he listened and gave me some good stuff to think about. He also got me a same-day meds appointment where I was squeezed in to a new psychdoc a few hours later.
It meant another 80 minute round-trip to Temple that day, but it was worth it. She gave me Ambien and the first quick-acting anxiety medication that any doctor has given me ever. Of over 10 years of panic attacks. I get the constant impression I'm considered drug-seeking whenever I've asked for that sort of thing (and in general, sigh) but this lady took me seriously and prescribed.
Haven't needed to use any yet, while I've had anger and upset the past couple days I've not had huge anxiety rushes where I need drugging lol.
We had a long talk Monday, Chael and I. More horribleness. Not an ugly conversation or anything, just hurtful... More angles to what I already knew, new aspects of the lying and stuff.
Then we went to his therapist on Tuesday... and I have no idea what is going on in his head. The denial, the lying, the bizarre twist on memories discussed... it's unreal.
And, of course, he's been lying to me in the ways I've caught him this couple or so weeks plus the subjective things I couldn't directly catch him in.
All.Day.Long. he lies. Constantly. To everybody. It's really sick. As in, not well... not...right in the head.
Again, I caught him out several times in front of the therapist.
I get the direct impression the therapist has no idea what to do with him, either. Good guy, but this is not a "So, what is stressing you out and triggering your depression with work? How is that doing?" sort of thing that Chael was sent to him for.
And it may very well be the case that these past 15 years Chael hasn't loved me. He's currently trying to figure out whether he has or does at all or not. No solid word yet.
His "homework" for therapy is to figure out what he actually feels about anyone ever and in what ways, then in theory the doc will work with him from there on those details and why he lies and fakes with everyone he comes into contact with.
I told him that Dr. Roger's (my therapist from the other day) thinks it would be best if he moved out and that while I don't have to do it immediately, that's the case in his opinion. I'm inclined to agree. I don't know what's wrong with Chael or if it can ever be fixed, I'm divorcing him, and it just hurts as I keep watching him lie to me.
Not in that his new lies upset me... like I said, I'm at a point of emotion and acceptance where it just doesn't matter. But finding out and re-affirming old ones... twists my insides.
There will never be flowers again. No holding hands. No cuddles before bed.
He wants to stay with me, he thinks I'm wonderful, he wants to continue to serve me... but he doesn't really care about losing me.
Dr. Roger's suggested that when I feel like this or when I start getting super-angry to try and think about what good has come from the marriage, the experience of it.
I can't really think of anything as far as the relationship itself goes. I had some very nice times with Chael... things we've done together, sweetnesses we shared and that I loved... but they weren't real. He lied all through them. For the most part they were manipulations he says. They were just part of the way he shows a fake personality to everyone.
So what am I supposed to take away from that? Other relationships that have ended, whether rough or not, have had things I learned from them... things I brought out of them as good experiences, happy memories... things I learned I wanted or didn't want in the future.
But what do you get when all your happy memories were faked by the other person? When you never even knew who they really were, felt, or thought all those years?
What do you take away when all you can say that you learned is what you already knew: that no one ever really knows anyone. That like I've pointed out to others for decades now, starting before this marriage, you can know someone for years or, as a parent, their entire life and still find out one day that you don't know them at all or that they have been doing horrible things you would never suspect of them like pedophilia or skinning kittens or raping and eating joggers they abduct or whatever. Because that does happen to people.
And then it happened to me. Irony.
So far the only good thing I've been able to salvage in my mind about this relationship isn't actually about the relationship... it's that due to being married to him I got to go to Germany to live and traveled all over Europe on my own.
That, and Pixel and Jonesy. I wouldn't have had those two particular wonderful kitties in my life if we'd not been married and we'd gotten them for me.
So Europe travel and two cats. 15+ years together and that's the total so far.
The endless lying. I watch it with him when speaking to others, when speaking to me. Not just his words... it's... his whole self. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice... he sounds normal. There isn't the mismatch that most people tend to have if they lie more than the occasional social-lubricant type. It's sad, for both me AND him... I can't imagine living like that, not being yourself ever.
Everybody lies to some extent... from major to little tiny politenesses, depending on the person and what is going on with them. I don't know how to express that this is not that. There is nothing he says about himself or that he does with others that can be trusted, because he will and does lie about any and all of it.
Again, it's not a malicious thing. His intent is not to hurt others or to be mean to people. He just wants them to think well of him and he doesn't care what he has to do or tell them to make them do so. Even when he knows it can or does hurt them.
He sat down next to my bed and with tears in his eyes asked me not to go. Told me he was not okay and that he wanted me to stay.
Then later admitted he's not particularly upset about any of this.
He wasn't doing it to try and be a bastard to me, he just wants me to stick around so he'll fake emotions to get me to.
How sick is that?
Thankfully, for my heart and mind, I didn't believe a word of it when he said it.
The only thing I trust out of him nowadays is that he does what he's told the majority of the time, like before. Tell him to clean the kitchen: he does. Tell him I want him to get X from the grocery on his way home: he does.
It may be he's honestly not capable of more emotion than what I'm finding, again towards me or anyone. He expresses thinking I'm the best person he's ever known and caring for me the most out of anyone... but he's not sure he loves me or has during any point in our marriage. And has continually lied his ass off to me like he does with everyone else.
Anyway, nothing is changing as far as my plans. Divorce, move to NYC. With or without him.
Things are definitely more likely without him. I'm not going to keep him around for his sake. There has to be enough in it for me and as I've said before I'm promising nothing past the next 5 minutes. So far as the days go by I'm seeing less and less in it for me.
It may sound to others like I'm holding on to something or that I'm still attached in a love sort of way and waffling... I can assure you that's not the case. I don't love him anymore, not after all I've learned. I'm not rethinking the divorce or thinking that we'll ever have what I thought we had. It's utilitarian now... he's useful. Plus, I do hope that he someday fixes this about himself whether or not I still know him if/when he does. I don't hate him, I wish him well, I hope someday he can be okay. But I'm no longer connected and in love and looking forward with him.
I have plans for my life, and he may be lucky enough to tag along.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Sigh
Grilling him over something last night he admitted that that other night when I thought I might have to go to the hospital because I was so upset and feeling unhealthy? He'd not been concerned and thought I was just being dramatic with telling him I might need to go to the ER and my symptoms and stuff.
I can't even be mad at this point over that. He said it and I had that moment of a mental, "seriously?" in a slight disbelieving tone, and then just "whatever" with a moving-on mood and frame of mind. I think about it now and it just helps to let me know I'm making the right decision with the divorce. It doesn't hurt, it's just kinda annoying and stupid.
He's expressing how he loves me and doesn't want me to go and really cares about how hard this is being on me and that he's hurt me... and yeah, he's admitting to giving a rat's ass at other times in just the last couple of week... on my worst day... when I told him I might have to go to the ER for it he thought I was blowing it out of proportion.
16 years together, a little more of knowing each other, 15+ years of being married.
I think I've been to the ER 5 or 6 times with him. 3 of those times were actually and literally life-threatening. 1 time that was a very extreme issue but not life-threatening that landed me in the hospital, 1 was because I cut my thumb about half off. 1 was because I was ordered to by my Army superiors because I was having nausea/vomiting issue during training. 1 was a night where I was having a very difficult time breathing. I might've forgotten one, I'm not sure... but you get the idea. I think I might've gone for something more minor, probably, at some point.
I am not someone who gets a sniffle or an every-day panic attack and goes to the hospital. Generally, I have to be bleeding or think I might die (and I've usually been right on that part) to go.
I do a lot of googling health worries, check all my meds online before taking them, and ask others when I think something with me is odd... but I don't go to the ER easily.
Remember recently trying to ignore what turned out to be an emergency-surgery bowel issue?
He knows this.
He thought I was just being dramatic about it.
eyeroll
But yeah, not angry or hurt by this point of view. It's just a "yeahhhh, whatever" reaction now.
And a bit after that I gave up interrogating him trying to get him to tell me the truth on the thingy last night. Again, as I said before that it would probably be and I told him last night - I really don't care enough at this point to put myself through that. I eventually just did a mental (and I believe physical) shrug and just went on with my night.
Other things still hurt a lot. I try not to think of them.
I forgot/put off getting athlete's foot cream for me yesterday so when he offered to go out and get some for me last night after we got home from D&D I said for him to go. I read while he went to the store and had him put it on my toes when he got back, then I fell asleep hard.
I'm gonna go look at apartments in New York City again.
I can't even be mad at this point over that. He said it and I had that moment of a mental, "seriously?" in a slight disbelieving tone, and then just "whatever" with a moving-on mood and frame of mind. I think about it now and it just helps to let me know I'm making the right decision with the divorce. It doesn't hurt, it's just kinda annoying and stupid.
He's expressing how he loves me and doesn't want me to go and really cares about how hard this is being on me and that he's hurt me... and yeah, he's admitting to giving a rat's ass at other times in just the last couple of week... on my worst day... when I told him I might have to go to the ER for it he thought I was blowing it out of proportion.
16 years together, a little more of knowing each other, 15+ years of being married.
I think I've been to the ER 5 or 6 times with him. 3 of those times were actually and literally life-threatening. 1 time that was a very extreme issue but not life-threatening that landed me in the hospital, 1 was because I cut my thumb about half off. 1 was because I was ordered to by my Army superiors because I was having nausea/vomiting issue during training. 1 was a night where I was having a very difficult time breathing. I might've forgotten one, I'm not sure... but you get the idea. I think I might've gone for something more minor, probably, at some point.
I am not someone who gets a sniffle or an every-day panic attack and goes to the hospital. Generally, I have to be bleeding or think I might die (and I've usually been right on that part) to go.
I do a lot of googling health worries, check all my meds online before taking them, and ask others when I think something with me is odd... but I don't go to the ER easily.
Remember recently trying to ignore what turned out to be an emergency-surgery bowel issue?
He knows this.
He thought I was just being dramatic about it.
eyeroll
But yeah, not angry or hurt by this point of view. It's just a "yeahhhh, whatever" reaction now.
And a bit after that I gave up interrogating him trying to get him to tell me the truth on the thingy last night. Again, as I said before that it would probably be and I told him last night - I really don't care enough at this point to put myself through that. I eventually just did a mental (and I believe physical) shrug and just went on with my night.
Other things still hurt a lot. I try not to think of them.
I forgot/put off getting athlete's foot cream for me yesterday so when he offered to go out and get some for me last night after we got home from D&D I said for him to go. I read while he went to the store and had him put it on my toes when he got back, then I fell asleep hard.
I'm gonna go look at apartments in New York City again.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
HEB, Urges to Punch, Foot Stuff, Whatever
After seeing the lawyer yesterday I was speaking with Chael in his room.... told him I feel like deep down he doesn't really believe I'm divorcing him in seriousness. He expressed that no, he doesn't, but that he thinks he may be starting to.
We played D&D with the folks I've mentioned before. It was a fun night with them. Nightmare getting my food delivered there and never ended up getting to eat because the delivery place couldn't get my order right the two times they showed up in the 3 hours I waited. But, whatever. The game itself was good.
Then Chael and I hit the new HEB to actually shop on the way home (we'd went earlier to just check it out as it opened for the first time yesterday, but the place was too insane to try and actually buy anything... they had a full parking lot and police at all the nearby intersections to control traffic to it). I got a whole bunch of dirty little vegan hippy food. Protein and healthy yummies. The old store had none such, it's awesome to have raw and vegan-protein foods just down the street now.
I had a couple urges in the store to just punch him upside the head out of no where.
I didn't.
But I had the urges.
He went a few times to casually touch me like he used to when we were okay. I've described how such make me feel now. I dodged each time and he apologized.
We went home and put things away. I got all ready for bed while he watched (angling my bed up, putting the laptop over on the stand so I can run TV shows on it to sleep to, etc.) and we both made our way to settling down to sleep. I got covered up and curled up and comfortable. He walked around the house a bit to take his insulin and stuff before going to his room.
My toes itched between them in a way that made me concerned about athlete's foot. So as he was walking across my doorway through the hall I yelled for him and had him put anti stuff on my feet and between my toes while I laid covered up in bed on my stomach with my feet sticking out of the end of the blankets to him.
Having him do something that I specifically order as service rather than a romantic-relationship-touch I can handle as long as it's limited. He started taking a little more time putting stuff on my one foot and I almost pulled it out of his reach and kicked him in the chest in one move, but before it came to that he changed which foot he was working on.
Then we both settled down in our own beds and passed out.
We talked a little this morning after we both woke up, me sitting in bed, him sitting on the floor next to it. Just casual stuff about how we slept and stuff. He asked if I wanted a bagel for breakfast, I agreed and he made me one.
He then went off and did his own stuff. Currently asleep in his room.
I've been bumming around the internet talking to people, doing email and posting and stuff. Seeing a lot of things that upset me due to what's happened with us plus a dose of disability issues discussion. I try to skip threads I find make me at all uncomfortable about things right now, but a couple I responded to.
Unrelated - or maybe it was a delayed reaction - I was looking at other stuff and I started getting angry again. I mean that building anger, not just the general "you bastard" bitter state I stay in. Then it crashed into sadness. I'm leaving it at that and not describing it, I'm gonna go distract myself.
Plans are 3pm D&D. It's a little after 1pm right now.
We played D&D with the folks I've mentioned before. It was a fun night with them. Nightmare getting my food delivered there and never ended up getting to eat because the delivery place couldn't get my order right the two times they showed up in the 3 hours I waited. But, whatever. The game itself was good.
Then Chael and I hit the new HEB to actually shop on the way home (we'd went earlier to just check it out as it opened for the first time yesterday, but the place was too insane to try and actually buy anything... they had a full parking lot and police at all the nearby intersections to control traffic to it). I got a whole bunch of dirty little vegan hippy food. Protein and healthy yummies. The old store had none such, it's awesome to have raw and vegan-protein foods just down the street now.
I had a couple urges in the store to just punch him upside the head out of no where.
I didn't.
But I had the urges.
He went a few times to casually touch me like he used to when we were okay. I've described how such make me feel now. I dodged each time and he apologized.
We went home and put things away. I got all ready for bed while he watched (angling my bed up, putting the laptop over on the stand so I can run TV shows on it to sleep to, etc.) and we both made our way to settling down to sleep. I got covered up and curled up and comfortable. He walked around the house a bit to take his insulin and stuff before going to his room.
My toes itched between them in a way that made me concerned about athlete's foot. So as he was walking across my doorway through the hall I yelled for him and had him put anti stuff on my feet and between my toes while I laid covered up in bed on my stomach with my feet sticking out of the end of the blankets to him.
Having him do something that I specifically order as service rather than a romantic-relationship-touch I can handle as long as it's limited. He started taking a little more time putting stuff on my one foot and I almost pulled it out of his reach and kicked him in the chest in one move, but before it came to that he changed which foot he was working on.
Then we both settled down in our own beds and passed out.
We talked a little this morning after we both woke up, me sitting in bed, him sitting on the floor next to it. Just casual stuff about how we slept and stuff. He asked if I wanted a bagel for breakfast, I agreed and he made me one.
He then went off and did his own stuff. Currently asleep in his room.
I've been bumming around the internet talking to people, doing email and posting and stuff. Seeing a lot of things that upset me due to what's happened with us plus a dose of disability issues discussion. I try to skip threads I find make me at all uncomfortable about things right now, but a couple I responded to.
Unrelated - or maybe it was a delayed reaction - I was looking at other stuff and I started getting angry again. I mean that building anger, not just the general "you bastard" bitter state I stay in. Then it crashed into sadness. I'm leaving it at that and not describing it, I'm gonna go distract myself.
Plans are 3pm D&D. It's a little after 1pm right now.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Oh God
I feel like crying and I think I may be having a bit of a panic attack. I'm upset and it's hard to breath and tight in my chest due to an emotion, not physical issue. Yes, I think this is an official panic attack though it's in a different flavor than I'm used to.
Yesterday Chael and I worked during the evening on the divorce paperwork the lawyer's office emailed me. I did most of it, but had to keep asking him details on it. When he got home last night from work I asked him if he could stay home today and work with me on making all the calls to places we had to get account details on and other stuff that I couldn't do myself as they are some in only his name.
Today at 4pm I see the lawyer to turn it in and ask some questions and put down my retainer.
Those have been yesterday and will be today and I'm having a hard time breathing.
Last night before he went to bed Chael stood in the livingroom while I was sitting there and did his little happy-dance he does randomly at times when he's in a good mood.
I wasn't hurt by it, at this point only memories really hurt, but I did point out to him that he was acting just fine when he's also professing to love me so much and be so upset I'm divorcing him and doesn't want to lose me and such. He agreed he was.
I just want to cry I'm so stressed and 15 years of marriage, 16 years of what I thought was love is ended. He gets caught in about a lie or more a day, it just depends on how often and much we happen to speak that day. Unbelievable what this has all meant, what that mega-lie I found out is and how it all ties together.
I can't stand for him to touch me. When he hands me something and our fingers touch or his arm brushes me or something it repulses me. Literally, my stomach clenches and I just feel a sense of revulsion and bitterness and my body tries to get away before I even think about it really.
I'm keeping it together for the most part, as mentioned before. I crack now and then for a bit - like just a minute ago I had to take a break to bawl for a few moments - but I'm trying to keep things amiable and it's just not in my nature to go into a raving-bitch-mode.
I'm treating this divorce largely as a job to be done, a problem to solve.
After feeling kind of bad for listing Jonesy as having no worth on our splitting-property-questionnaire (not because I was unhappy that my cat isn't money valuable, but because it just felt so rude) I did some googling to find out if he had any money value as Snowshoes actually are rather desirable to an extent, but as I said before Jonesy is Definitely Not Show Quality. He's beautiful and has all the typical traits except he his color pattern is considered of less value than other patterns better quality Snowshoes have. Plus, he's 15 frickin' years old. But I figured what the hell, it's free to search the internet... holy crap. If he were a kitten or show quality he'd be worth anything from a lot of a whole fucking lot, but as he's 15 and not at anywhere near show quality he's still of no monetary value.
But I so love him, so it felt bad putting that on a form.
The short crying session has eased up the panic attack. It's now down to more manageable levels, not gone but I feel better than I did. Turned out I just needed to do some releasing of garbage.
I could kick Chael in the face right now.
I won't. But at the moment the idea sounds so good.
He should be home soon from doing his PT duties. He doesn't actually have PT this morning but instead had to help out the detail doing road-guard for it as the First Sergeant didn't have a truck and they didn't know if the detail minions did at all so Chael agreed to use his truck with them (they need to put out barriers and stuff and then take them back in afterwards).
I'm gonna call Dr. Roger's as soon as I think VA Mental Health will be open. This is gonna be one rough day if this start has shown anything. Woke up at about 4:15 and couldn't go back to sleep, have been eating terrible terrible food for me, panic attack, and that's all before 8am.
But yeah. Chael's lies. Chael's constant lying. Still lying.
He's been lying to me since before we got married. To get me to marry him.
Again, it's some consolation that it's not a case of us just having some phenomenonally fucked up relationship. At least it's not just a case of me, but with everyone all the time.
(about 30 or so minutes passes)
Talked to the really good therapist on the phone at the VA that I've seen in the past. It turns out my appointment with him isn't next Friday but is instead Monday morning, so yay.
Time to start on the rest of the division of property paperwork that needs done today.
Yesterday Chael and I worked during the evening on the divorce paperwork the lawyer's office emailed me. I did most of it, but had to keep asking him details on it. When he got home last night from work I asked him if he could stay home today and work with me on making all the calls to places we had to get account details on and other stuff that I couldn't do myself as they are some in only his name.
Today at 4pm I see the lawyer to turn it in and ask some questions and put down my retainer.
Those have been yesterday and will be today and I'm having a hard time breathing.
Last night before he went to bed Chael stood in the livingroom while I was sitting there and did his little happy-dance he does randomly at times when he's in a good mood.
I wasn't hurt by it, at this point only memories really hurt, but I did point out to him that he was acting just fine when he's also professing to love me so much and be so upset I'm divorcing him and doesn't want to lose me and such. He agreed he was.
I just want to cry I'm so stressed and 15 years of marriage, 16 years of what I thought was love is ended. He gets caught in about a lie or more a day, it just depends on how often and much we happen to speak that day. Unbelievable what this has all meant, what that mega-lie I found out is and how it all ties together.
I can't stand for him to touch me. When he hands me something and our fingers touch or his arm brushes me or something it repulses me. Literally, my stomach clenches and I just feel a sense of revulsion and bitterness and my body tries to get away before I even think about it really.
I'm keeping it together for the most part, as mentioned before. I crack now and then for a bit - like just a minute ago I had to take a break to bawl for a few moments - but I'm trying to keep things amiable and it's just not in my nature to go into a raving-bitch-mode.
I'm treating this divorce largely as a job to be done, a problem to solve.
After feeling kind of bad for listing Jonesy as having no worth on our splitting-property-questionnaire (not because I was unhappy that my cat isn't money valuable, but because it just felt so rude) I did some googling to find out if he had any money value as Snowshoes actually are rather desirable to an extent, but as I said before Jonesy is Definitely Not Show Quality. He's beautiful and has all the typical traits except he his color pattern is considered of less value than other patterns better quality Snowshoes have. Plus, he's 15 frickin' years old. But I figured what the hell, it's free to search the internet... holy crap. If he were a kitten or show quality he'd be worth anything from a lot of a whole fucking lot, but as he's 15 and not at anywhere near show quality he's still of no monetary value.
But I so love him, so it felt bad putting that on a form.
The short crying session has eased up the panic attack. It's now down to more manageable levels, not gone but I feel better than I did. Turned out I just needed to do some releasing of garbage.
I could kick Chael in the face right now.
I won't. But at the moment the idea sounds so good.
He should be home soon from doing his PT duties. He doesn't actually have PT this morning but instead had to help out the detail doing road-guard for it as the First Sergeant didn't have a truck and they didn't know if the detail minions did at all so Chael agreed to use his truck with them (they need to put out barriers and stuff and then take them back in afterwards).
I'm gonna call Dr. Roger's as soon as I think VA Mental Health will be open. This is gonna be one rough day if this start has shown anything. Woke up at about 4:15 and couldn't go back to sleep, have been eating terrible terrible food for me, panic attack, and that's all before 8am.
But yeah. Chael's lies. Chael's constant lying. Still lying.
He's been lying to me since before we got married. To get me to marry him.
Again, it's some consolation that it's not a case of us just having some phenomenonally fucked up relationship. At least it's not just a case of me, but with everyone all the time.
(about 30 or so minutes passes)
Talked to the really good therapist on the phone at the VA that I've seen in the past. It turns out my appointment with him isn't next Friday but is instead Monday morning, so yay.
Time to start on the rest of the division of property paperwork that needs done today.
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