Today I go to the lawyer's, pay my final payment on the divorce and give them the final copy of the signed decree. Then it's a matter of waiting til the mandatory 60 day waiting period is up (that started in early Feb when I filed, not just starting now) til I get a finalization court date.
Going about it firmly and as if it were a job... as neutral as I can be, pragmatic in my mindset and doings.
But on the inside, underneath? Ugh.
Also, decided with the move that I am selling my car asap. I put it up on some selling sites and also contacted semi-local dealerships that buy cars and got rough quotes from them (no solid quotes, as I need to take the car to be seen and evaluated, but I answered the questions correctly: it's in amazing shape, only having owned it 1.5-2 years of uptight use and upkeep lol). It's just plain going to be better for me financially to not try and pay for a car while not really ever using it for a year (or more) in NYC... car loan + insurance + storage each month when I may not even USE it each month -or even every couple months or more. It would cost me less in the long run to sell my car and just rent one on the very rare occasions I want to go on a trip not involving a plane, train or bus.
So yeah. Yay for paying off a large part of my car loan and dropping other costs, boo on the fact that it's a new car that I love.
Worth it, though!
We're living in a kind of empty holding pattern nowadays. It's mostly civil but yeah, as you'd expect there is no warmth or friendliness... except that he is totally fine, doesn't care, and thinks we should still be friends and I should be sweet and soft towards him like before I found out all this happened. Or when he decides to try and provoke me to get attention on him in that way.
So yeah... Same as it's been since the last few posts, except I'm coping a bit better each day.
How could he be so different from what I always thought? From what he always led me to believe? Since the Big Reveal I've seen day by day a bit more of the real person and it's stomach-twisting.
But anyways, this blog isn't going to focus on all that end of things today.
Instead:
Lawyer. Car. And iTaboo.
I'm a moderator over at iTaboo and we've had a big raise in membership the past couple-three days and it's so far continuing. iTaboo and Mademoiselle are getting swamped and I'm doing what I can to answer questions, welcome people, etc.... I've been late on getting my hands in things on this as I had no clue so many people were suddenly showing up at once. I was involved in other things and barely got online for about a day or day and a half (just a few "hi" sort of messages and the Delta Sigma chat rooms, not my usual all-the-heck-over reading), then hopped on and went WOAH.
So, bugs are being noticed and worked out, lots more activity as numbers grow, and I'm doing what I can to be helpful. Today I have those errands and then I'll largely be online over there, checking in every few minutes. If you've ever wondered about it or liked the idea but felt there were too few people, come on over! It only gets bigger and more active as folks make use of it.
And be sure to say "hi" to me on my wall or by site-mail. If I know you from other sites (or might) then be sure to let me know what your name on that place is... We've all had someone message us on a website where the person acted like we'd known one another and we're all like, "and you are?". So let me know who you are (or that we are just now meeting).
Friday, March 1, 2013
Sunday, February 24, 2013
The Last Birthday
I know it's stupid. I know I would've said "no". But it was the last one of 16 years worth that I'll be around for.
He had his birthday party yesterday and didn't invite me.
He had his birthday party yesterday and didn't invite me.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Dallas, 800 Needles, and Crying
We left Friday around 1pm to go to Dallas and stay with MissLilly. The plan was to stay overnight with her, go to Sanctuary and do the 800 needle scene with Redeye_yo before the club opened, and then to drive back home.
The drive down was awful. Nothing like putting two people who haven't been in the same room for more than 5 minutes in weeks into a car for 2.5hrs together... where it's not just awkward, but for one it's actively painful and upsetting. And for the other it's annoying (again, he later described it with that word: "tedious") and that knowledge makes the worst part for the first person... that the second wants to talk to them with zero interest in them and is irritated that they aren't acting like nothing is wrong.
So 2.5 hours of hell on my side of the truck.
He's lately started to try to provoke me as he's not getting sweetness from me anymore... I guess any attention is better than none. He's been snotty around the house a couple times when there was zero cause - at least once where that was his opening tone with me on coming to my room to ask me something. It's just random rudeness to try and upset me.
So, he knows I wanted him vegan during our last month or two together. He made the change over and was doing well after we had a discussion of his (supposed) religion and how it relates to animal-eatings. He knew I was really proud of him for that while we were together.
We're driving down and we had agreed to go to a favorite restaurant that is lacto-ovo and vegan Indian food in Dallas. The menu changes every day so to know what it is ahead of time you go to the website and look. He asked me if I'd looked at the menu yet; I pulled it up on my iPad and checked it, read off the vegan things to him as I figured that was what we were both interested in.
He says, "what, no cheese enchiladas?".
Chael's already read the menu. He's set me up to be able to point out he's interested in eating cheese now.
Fine. It didn't bother me and I did catch what he was trying to do. So I just commented that I didn't know he had gone back to that. He responds that he's "struggling with it". I leave it at that as I'm not particularly concerned with his current dietary habits, whatever. But yeah, again I note that he's trying to start something with me.
We get there, we settle into MissLilly's and Chael is hovering like he's so sweet and wants to be so helpful and friendly. I finally told him to go away. After the second time of this hover-and-exchange he goes into the bedroom he and I are to use while there (MissLilly has limited space, so she let us use her bedroom. Me in the bed, Chael down on the floor).
MissLilly and I hang out for a while and talk, watch a movie. I order some food that I never get to have down here and to be polite ask Chael if he wants anything. He says he'll just have what I'm having (the only thing from Pizza Hut that is safe from that location).
I watch some more of the movie, food arrives.
We set out what is mine and MissLilly's, give Chael his. He takes it into the bedroom where he's been reading.
Then he comes out and asks me for my ranch sauce (which just comes with my food automatically).
Again, with the dairy thing. If he just wanted non-vegan food he would've ordered something normal that he likes, like, you know, pizza or such. No, he told me he wanted the same thing I was getting... then came out specifically after I started eating to ask for a dairy sauce.
Games. Around we go: He tried to upset me, I didn't care, he went back out of the room after I didn't give a big response. And again: not bothered at all by what he was doing, but did make a mental note of the game he was playing.
Bedtime came and I was absolutely exhausted so I figured I wouldn't need any Ambien. I turned the lights off, laid down, tried to sleep. He passed out.
Endless time later I'm still awake and torturing myself. I keep trying to think of other things and the unhappiness of the divorce is just eating at me and my thoughts. Try, try, try. Dammit, Ambien time.
I get up and ask Chael if he brought his, he had and I took one. Figured okay, now I'll fall asleep; it usually takes me about 15 minutes or so.
Endless time later...
It's bugging me he's in the room with me. Every other time we've slept in the same room it's been when I thought we were mutually in love. Including many happy times with me in a bed and him on the floor nearby.
We'd talked about this issue beforehand and I said I thought I could handle it. We'd just ignore each other, he'd sleep in his place, I'd sleep in mine. Fine.
I'm laying there and despite Ambien cannot sleep.
So I lay there and try to think why this is such an issue. I know I'm uncomfortable with it, I knew I would be... but why to this level? Why can't I just ignore him?
I look around inside my head for a while and it slides, whispering, into my thoughts:
you can hear him breathing
I let my mind address that and started quietly crying. My stomach twisted, my throat tightened, and the tears just ran off me.
I could hear him breathing. I have 16 years of knowing that breathing. I have laid awake so many nights that I can't count next to him listening to him breathe and thinking how much I loved him and how much I treasured being familiar with the cadence of his breath. Holding him and feeling how exactly it mismatches with mismatches with mine as I'm trying to fall asleep next to him. Loving the sound of it.
I pull myself together some and stop crying. I start debating whether or not I can handle this. Should I get him up and have him move out of the room or can I push it aside and finally conk out?
I keep thinking about his breathing, keep feeling that anger and loss as I hear it from the end of the bed. I think about the way he has this light to medium sort of on-and-off snore that he does when he's very deep asleep and how I've loved that too... again, laid awake giggling to myself over it... being frustrated by it... loved being familiar with it and having it a part of him being next to me.
and then the snore started
I started bawling again. I debated a second more and knew I just couldn't handle this. That I'd not get any sleep and that it was like someone was gutting me with a hook to listen to it.
So I got up and told him he had to move.
He was pissed and pissy with me. He asked why. I told him I couldn't handle it. He asked why. I told him I didn't want to get into it and started crying. He snidely pointed out that I said I'd be okay with it. I told him I was wrong and that I couldn't.
Chael let me know I was a horrible person and that he, of course, didn't care other than being put out about needing to move.
I told him where he could be as it was a bit tricky due to limited space at MissLilly's and finally just gave up on his attitude and went to bed. I cried a little and passed out quickly when I no longer could hear him sleeping near me.
We had our normal uncomfortable interactions the next morning, then I came into the bedroom to get stuff and he's in the bed that was My Area for that trip, laying on his back, hands behind his head, looking relaxed and comfy.
Another game.
I decide, okay, we're going to address this.
We talk. I point out that I am aware of the stuff he's pulling to try to get me angry and that it's clear he's trying to get any kind of emotional outburst from me that he can... good or bad, just any attention.
He asks what he's done. I point the things out and he admits most of them.
I tell him in a firm voice that he has no place to be rude to me.
Chael says his patience is getting thin.
I ask patience over what (as if I don't know, granted).
He replies, basically, that he's running out of patience with waiting for me to go back to being my normal nice, friendly, loving self with him.
Again, I'm not mad. I am just endlessly not understanding how someone can think like this.
We talk a bit and he expresses not understanding why he should be nice towards me if he's "not even going to get a thank you".
I point out that he should be acting like a decent human being to me and doing what's right because of what he's done wrong.
I also point out that I have already told him I knew this would start: that he would start being nasty towards me, then he would try to take Jonesy, then he would try to screw me out of a military move if he can and that he's stated he would help me with if the timing of the divorce went wrong.
His response to these three items?
"I won't try to take Jonesy"
This is Chael for "you can bet on the other two".
The conversation goes on about like this, with him saying in various ways that if I don't start being sweet to him he's going to start trying to fuck me over.
I point that out firmly to him that that is what he's doing, that he's threatening me.
Eventually it just gets dropped as this discussion isn't going to get better and I know where things are most likely headed.
So we do the scene with Redeye_yo. I put 800 needles into Redeye and he took it just awesome, like always. I take a painkiller before we start long scenes but at about the 2 hour mark I started hurting... and I kept hurting more and more. By the time I finished putting them into him I was in terrible pain. My neck and back were screaming. My blood sugar started to drop around the 3 hour mark and Chael kept brought me a drink of sweet tea a couple times. It helped enough to keep me going safely, but I felt crappy.
We got to 730 needles, roughly, and MissLilly came in and gave us a 45 minutes warning on the club opening. This caused panic. She assured us that it shouldn't be a huge deal if we went a little over, but that people would be in there (we were videotaping and taking photos, so this was a concern for us). I started moving faster.
Then about 15 minutes later the person running the meetup that night at the club comes over and tells us that in 30 minutes they are going to have a bunch of people where we are. I tell him we will be out by then, and pick up the pace as much as I can, which really wasn't much more... I was working at about my max capacity at that point.
Redeye_yo is handling the whole thing just perfect. I'm sure it was a very hard scene on him between the number we did and the speed. As said, he does awesome.
At the last 10 I give a warning. At the last 5 I tell Chael and Steffi that as soon as I place the last one they need to step in and take photos fast so I can start the pull process.
Last one in, I step back. I direct Chael in what angles and such I want that I don't see him getting.
Then, I stand next to Redeye and ask him if he's ready for pull. He said he was. I warned that I was going to be going VERY FAST and that he needs to tell me if he needs to stop. He knows and we begin.
I got those things out of him in I think less than 5 minutes.
A couple people popped over to watch and had to leave because it was hard to view.... Some places I had to take needles out one at a time.
For a lot of it I was literally grabbing a handful of needles and taking them out all at once.
Grab, drop in sharps bin, grab, drop in sharps bin.
I kept an eye on Redeye and he was doing well with it, holding Steffi's hands. When I had almost finished removing one side Chael asked if he should start tear-down while I was removing. I told him yes, go ahead and pack everything I wasn't using.
Switched to Redeye_yo's other side and kept pulling. He started to shiver and get goosebumps so I stopped and asked him if he was okay, if he needed to wait. He replied that no, he was okay... the blood running down his other side was making him cold lol. So I went back to grabbing handfuls.
Got them out of him, Aplicared his back to do a second disinfection and to get some of the blood off (he'd stopped bleeding but he was messy). Then I packed up the sharps stuff while he chilled out on the table with Steffi and recovered some.
After a bit he was up and dressing and I was finishing packing up. We four got everything out of the way, set into the lounge area of the club so we'd be out of the meet-up's way. Steffi, Redeye_yo, and I chatted a little bit, I gave him a hug, they headed out. I bummed around Sanctuary for a bit and talked to Quin and MissLilly as I tried to recover, myself. I was in pain and completely physically and emotionally exhausted.
It went great, though. It's about 24 hours later and I'm still sore and tired, but it was a ton of fun and the pictures look great. Redeye is an amazing needle bottom. I'm so thrilled to work with him.
I drove Chael and I home after I got some more Tylenol in me. It really didn't help, but hey. Another uncomfortable 2.5 hours where I repeatedly had to focus on not crying.
Today I went out to a social get-together on my own. It was a sort of thing I never do: a small party of female folks that I only very casually knew some of. This sort of thing is not easy for me at all. I had a really nice time.
The rest of today has been being home and dealing with Chael. Nothing terribly ugly, I'm just generally a mess. I think the past two days being in close contact with him + the huge stress of a big scene (topping to sharps is my very favorite thing, but topping is much harder on me than bottoming is... and these long scenes kick my ass) have maxed me out. I am crying on and off today.
Big crying. Not those a few minutes of cracking like I've been doing for the most part lately, but the big snotty hiccuping kind that go on for a while.
It hurts that after 16 years of my loving him and him seeming like he was in love with me it's not real and he doesn't feel bad at all about my leaving.
I keep thinking about how much I loved the feeling of wrapping my arms around his waist when I was so happy towards him and in love or when I was sad and letting myself feel safe and comforted by him (something that is not easy for me... that's part of this, while I can report things, showing actual emotional vulnerability in person and/or letting someone take care of me is NOT something that I am comfortable with. Chael is the only person that has ever been trusted by me in that way to that extent... others have seen what are really tiny pieces of me over the years... but Chael was my Special Person who I openly showed things with. And now I've found out that he's seen all that when it didn't actually matter to him, when he never cared that I was sad or hurt or anything.).
It hurts me to think about how wonderful the feeling was to hold him and feel held by him. How it wasn't real and how it's over and how he never understood or appreciated or felt anything other than boredom and annoyance over it.
I don't understand how someone can do that.
I am an enormously self-centered, selfish, self-serving person. And I cannot understand how someone can do that.
Two pics of the 800 needle project. Will be posted, with more, on my artblog soon.
The drive down was awful. Nothing like putting two people who haven't been in the same room for more than 5 minutes in weeks into a car for 2.5hrs together... where it's not just awkward, but for one it's actively painful and upsetting. And for the other it's annoying (again, he later described it with that word: "tedious") and that knowledge makes the worst part for the first person... that the second wants to talk to them with zero interest in them and is irritated that they aren't acting like nothing is wrong.
So 2.5 hours of hell on my side of the truck.
He's lately started to try to provoke me as he's not getting sweetness from me anymore... I guess any attention is better than none. He's been snotty around the house a couple times when there was zero cause - at least once where that was his opening tone with me on coming to my room to ask me something. It's just random rudeness to try and upset me.
So, he knows I wanted him vegan during our last month or two together. He made the change over and was doing well after we had a discussion of his (supposed) religion and how it relates to animal-eatings. He knew I was really proud of him for that while we were together.
We're driving down and we had agreed to go to a favorite restaurant that is lacto-ovo and vegan Indian food in Dallas. The menu changes every day so to know what it is ahead of time you go to the website and look. He asked me if I'd looked at the menu yet; I pulled it up on my iPad and checked it, read off the vegan things to him as I figured that was what we were both interested in.
He says, "what, no cheese enchiladas?".
Chael's already read the menu. He's set me up to be able to point out he's interested in eating cheese now.
Fine. It didn't bother me and I did catch what he was trying to do. So I just commented that I didn't know he had gone back to that. He responds that he's "struggling with it". I leave it at that as I'm not particularly concerned with his current dietary habits, whatever. But yeah, again I note that he's trying to start something with me.
We get there, we settle into MissLilly's and Chael is hovering like he's so sweet and wants to be so helpful and friendly. I finally told him to go away. After the second time of this hover-and-exchange he goes into the bedroom he and I are to use while there (MissLilly has limited space, so she let us use her bedroom. Me in the bed, Chael down on the floor).
MissLilly and I hang out for a while and talk, watch a movie. I order some food that I never get to have down here and to be polite ask Chael if he wants anything. He says he'll just have what I'm having (the only thing from Pizza Hut that is safe from that location).
I watch some more of the movie, food arrives.
We set out what is mine and MissLilly's, give Chael his. He takes it into the bedroom where he's been reading.
Then he comes out and asks me for my ranch sauce (which just comes with my food automatically).
Again, with the dairy thing. If he just wanted non-vegan food he would've ordered something normal that he likes, like, you know, pizza or such. No, he told me he wanted the same thing I was getting... then came out specifically after I started eating to ask for a dairy sauce.
Games. Around we go: He tried to upset me, I didn't care, he went back out of the room after I didn't give a big response. And again: not bothered at all by what he was doing, but did make a mental note of the game he was playing.
Bedtime came and I was absolutely exhausted so I figured I wouldn't need any Ambien. I turned the lights off, laid down, tried to sleep. He passed out.
Endless time later I'm still awake and torturing myself. I keep trying to think of other things and the unhappiness of the divorce is just eating at me and my thoughts. Try, try, try. Dammit, Ambien time.
I get up and ask Chael if he brought his, he had and I took one. Figured okay, now I'll fall asleep; it usually takes me about 15 minutes or so.
Endless time later...
It's bugging me he's in the room with me. Every other time we've slept in the same room it's been when I thought we were mutually in love. Including many happy times with me in a bed and him on the floor nearby.
We'd talked about this issue beforehand and I said I thought I could handle it. We'd just ignore each other, he'd sleep in his place, I'd sleep in mine. Fine.
I'm laying there and despite Ambien cannot sleep.
So I lay there and try to think why this is such an issue. I know I'm uncomfortable with it, I knew I would be... but why to this level? Why can't I just ignore him?
I look around inside my head for a while and it slides, whispering, into my thoughts:
you can hear him breathing
I let my mind address that and started quietly crying. My stomach twisted, my throat tightened, and the tears just ran off me.
I could hear him breathing. I have 16 years of knowing that breathing. I have laid awake so many nights that I can't count next to him listening to him breathe and thinking how much I loved him and how much I treasured being familiar with the cadence of his breath. Holding him and feeling how exactly it mismatches with mismatches with mine as I'm trying to fall asleep next to him. Loving the sound of it.
I pull myself together some and stop crying. I start debating whether or not I can handle this. Should I get him up and have him move out of the room or can I push it aside and finally conk out?
I keep thinking about his breathing, keep feeling that anger and loss as I hear it from the end of the bed. I think about the way he has this light to medium sort of on-and-off snore that he does when he's very deep asleep and how I've loved that too... again, laid awake giggling to myself over it... being frustrated by it... loved being familiar with it and having it a part of him being next to me.
and then the snore started
I started bawling again. I debated a second more and knew I just couldn't handle this. That I'd not get any sleep and that it was like someone was gutting me with a hook to listen to it.
So I got up and told him he had to move.
He was pissed and pissy with me. He asked why. I told him I couldn't handle it. He asked why. I told him I didn't want to get into it and started crying. He snidely pointed out that I said I'd be okay with it. I told him I was wrong and that I couldn't.
Chael let me know I was a horrible person and that he, of course, didn't care other than being put out about needing to move.
I told him where he could be as it was a bit tricky due to limited space at MissLilly's and finally just gave up on his attitude and went to bed. I cried a little and passed out quickly when I no longer could hear him sleeping near me.
We had our normal uncomfortable interactions the next morning, then I came into the bedroom to get stuff and he's in the bed that was My Area for that trip, laying on his back, hands behind his head, looking relaxed and comfy.
Another game.
I decide, okay, we're going to address this.
We talk. I point out that I am aware of the stuff he's pulling to try to get me angry and that it's clear he's trying to get any kind of emotional outburst from me that he can... good or bad, just any attention.
He asks what he's done. I point the things out and he admits most of them.
I tell him in a firm voice that he has no place to be rude to me.
Chael says his patience is getting thin.
I ask patience over what (as if I don't know, granted).
He replies, basically, that he's running out of patience with waiting for me to go back to being my normal nice, friendly, loving self with him.
Again, I'm not mad. I am just endlessly not understanding how someone can think like this.
We talk a bit and he expresses not understanding why he should be nice towards me if he's "not even going to get a thank you".
I point out that he should be acting like a decent human being to me and doing what's right because of what he's done wrong.
I also point out that I have already told him I knew this would start: that he would start being nasty towards me, then he would try to take Jonesy, then he would try to screw me out of a military move if he can and that he's stated he would help me with if the timing of the divorce went wrong.
His response to these three items?
"I won't try to take Jonesy"
This is Chael for "you can bet on the other two".
The conversation goes on about like this, with him saying in various ways that if I don't start being sweet to him he's going to start trying to fuck me over.
I point that out firmly to him that that is what he's doing, that he's threatening me.
Eventually it just gets dropped as this discussion isn't going to get better and I know where things are most likely headed.
So we do the scene with Redeye_yo. I put 800 needles into Redeye and he took it just awesome, like always. I take a painkiller before we start long scenes but at about the 2 hour mark I started hurting... and I kept hurting more and more. By the time I finished putting them into him I was in terrible pain. My neck and back were screaming. My blood sugar started to drop around the 3 hour mark and Chael kept brought me a drink of sweet tea a couple times. It helped enough to keep me going safely, but I felt crappy.
We got to 730 needles, roughly, and MissLilly came in and gave us a 45 minutes warning on the club opening. This caused panic. She assured us that it shouldn't be a huge deal if we went a little over, but that people would be in there (we were videotaping and taking photos, so this was a concern for us). I started moving faster.
Then about 15 minutes later the person running the meetup that night at the club comes over and tells us that in 30 minutes they are going to have a bunch of people where we are. I tell him we will be out by then, and pick up the pace as much as I can, which really wasn't much more... I was working at about my max capacity at that point.
Redeye_yo is handling the whole thing just perfect. I'm sure it was a very hard scene on him between the number we did and the speed. As said, he does awesome.
At the last 10 I give a warning. At the last 5 I tell Chael and Steffi that as soon as I place the last one they need to step in and take photos fast so I can start the pull process.
Last one in, I step back. I direct Chael in what angles and such I want that I don't see him getting.
Then, I stand next to Redeye and ask him if he's ready for pull. He said he was. I warned that I was going to be going VERY FAST and that he needs to tell me if he needs to stop. He knows and we begin.
I got those things out of him in I think less than 5 minutes.
A couple people popped over to watch and had to leave because it was hard to view.... Some places I had to take needles out one at a time.
For a lot of it I was literally grabbing a handful of needles and taking them out all at once.
Grab, drop in sharps bin, grab, drop in sharps bin.
I kept an eye on Redeye and he was doing well with it, holding Steffi's hands. When I had almost finished removing one side Chael asked if he should start tear-down while I was removing. I told him yes, go ahead and pack everything I wasn't using.
Switched to Redeye_yo's other side and kept pulling. He started to shiver and get goosebumps so I stopped and asked him if he was okay, if he needed to wait. He replied that no, he was okay... the blood running down his other side was making him cold lol. So I went back to grabbing handfuls.
Got them out of him, Aplicared his back to do a second disinfection and to get some of the blood off (he'd stopped bleeding but he was messy). Then I packed up the sharps stuff while he chilled out on the table with Steffi and recovered some.
After a bit he was up and dressing and I was finishing packing up. We four got everything out of the way, set into the lounge area of the club so we'd be out of the meet-up's way. Steffi, Redeye_yo, and I chatted a little bit, I gave him a hug, they headed out. I bummed around Sanctuary for a bit and talked to Quin and MissLilly as I tried to recover, myself. I was in pain and completely physically and emotionally exhausted.
It went great, though. It's about 24 hours later and I'm still sore and tired, but it was a ton of fun and the pictures look great. Redeye is an amazing needle bottom. I'm so thrilled to work with him.
I drove Chael and I home after I got some more Tylenol in me. It really didn't help, but hey. Another uncomfortable 2.5 hours where I repeatedly had to focus on not crying.
Today I went out to a social get-together on my own. It was a sort of thing I never do: a small party of female folks that I only very casually knew some of. This sort of thing is not easy for me at all. I had a really nice time.
The rest of today has been being home and dealing with Chael. Nothing terribly ugly, I'm just generally a mess. I think the past two days being in close contact with him + the huge stress of a big scene (topping to sharps is my very favorite thing, but topping is much harder on me than bottoming is... and these long scenes kick my ass) have maxed me out. I am crying on and off today.
Big crying. Not those a few minutes of cracking like I've been doing for the most part lately, but the big snotty hiccuping kind that go on for a while.
It hurts that after 16 years of my loving him and him seeming like he was in love with me it's not real and he doesn't feel bad at all about my leaving.
I keep thinking about how much I loved the feeling of wrapping my arms around his waist when I was so happy towards him and in love or when I was sad and letting myself feel safe and comforted by him (something that is not easy for me... that's part of this, while I can report things, showing actual emotional vulnerability in person and/or letting someone take care of me is NOT something that I am comfortable with. Chael is the only person that has ever been trusted by me in that way to that extent... others have seen what are really tiny pieces of me over the years... but Chael was my Special Person who I openly showed things with. And now I've found out that he's seen all that when it didn't actually matter to him, when he never cared that I was sad or hurt or anything.).
It hurts me to think about how wonderful the feeling was to hold him and feel held by him. How it wasn't real and how it's over and how he never understood or appreciated or felt anything other than boredom and annoyance over it.
I don't understand how someone can do that.
I am an enormously self-centered, selfish, self-serving person. And I cannot understand how someone can do that.
Two pics of the 800 needle project. Will be posted, with more, on my artblog soon.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Told Mom
I sent my mom a good bunch of the details with Chael in an email. Stuff I've talked about here, basically points on the why I'm not taking him to NYC with me anymore and all that.
She actually called me as just a regular call after I sent it as she hadn't read it yet (she's not great about keeping up on the email being somewhat technologically impaired still. She uses it, but I think I may be the only person who actually has emailed her... maybe my sister has, but I doubt it as they talk in person almost every day it seems).
We talked generic normal chatty stuff and then I told her I'd sent her the email and that I'll be cutting all ties with Chael. It was an awkward conversation but hey.
Before that, Chael had come home from work... he had in his hands a box for me from Amazon I'd ordered and a yellow rose he'd told me last week that he ordered from me as a gesture of friendship. When I pointed out last week that he isn't my friend, we're not friends, he got teary and expressed that it was "more a hope" in a choked-up voice.
Because, you know, he hasn't totally told me over and over how things like that are just empty manipulation gestures. Or that roses hold a special significance from when we very first got together and he used to sneak me ones as surprises all the time and has brought me bouquets and singles over the years as acts of love and romance... which he's stated over and over were just doing them as a fake role which he is now feeling "liberated" from pretending to.
Yeah, right, I'm so moved.
He said he brought me a flower.
I said "why?".
He said that he told me last week that he had ordered it.
I just looked at him, irritated.
He said - as though absolving me from guilt! - that I didn't need to accept it.
I responded that I wasn't, rolled back onto my stomach to play on the computer, and waved my hand back at him as a sign he was to leave my room. That he was dismissed from my presence, in my opinion and intentions.
But yeah, after talking to mom I tried a smoothie recipe I got online, managed to get it poured all over the counter and floor of the kitchen, remade it after cleaning up.
Found it was pretty disgusting. Decided to make Crispy Tenders. Burnt the hell out of them. Went and hooked myself up with some junkfood, came home and read. Now I'm here.
He keeps offering to get me things when he goes out and asking me if I need anything when he goes by my room sometimes.
No, no I don't. Not from you.
If I absolutely can't reach something or some such, I'll ask just like I would a stranger at the supermarket. I'm not letting you do things for me that I let you do because I thought you were being a sweetheart and liked you doing them for me.
Uh-uhn.
So Jonesy and I are chillin'.
Had some great chatting with Delta House members today.
Also, been having a couple of nice talks here and there with some CollarMe guys. And have told a few guys off on OKCupid.
I'm not at all going to jump into another real romantic thing anytime in the near future. Sex, casualness, friendly-light-romance, but nothing serious. I need time to just be me on my own for a while to adjust to life as not-married-to-Chael in my new home after I move.
Doesn't mean I'm not open to purely service or friendly-PE/BDSM interactions, and I'm seeing what comes my way on those... but nothing more involved for a good bit.
Looking forward to Camp, as always. Moving my regular bed to a new location. I've been wanting an end spot in general and so I can workout more room for my stuff. Usually I'm between a couple other beds.
So, totally gonna see the leather family... plus I'll be living much closer to the bulk of us (I'm pretty much currently the most south and west of the really active members. All but one of us lives in the NE) and will be able to visit folks more often (and have them visit me!).
I don't plan to ever get married again. This isn't purely a currently-breaking-up thought... I've known and stated for a long while now that if anything ever happened to Chael and I, death or divorce, I really didn't feel I'd ever want to marry again. Love someone? Share my life with them? Yep. Marry? Nope.
I took one bath today in Lush stuff to start my day and try to use it as a relaxer, I think I may take another one. Or maybe just a shower with stuff.
I'd been so looking forward to Zumba tomorrow night, then a 2hour Zumbathon Saturday, then a get-together at one of the fellow-Zumbaer's house Sunday. Totally forgot we're driving up to Dallas tomorrow night to do the 800 needle project Saturday mid-day. Original plan was to drive back Sunday morning, but I want to go to the party so I decided we'll drive home Saturday night.
Chael's agreed to go up with me to do the photos and so I can use his truck to bring up the massage table and lights and stuff. It frustrates and makes me roll my eyes to accept his help in this, but it's not a used-to-be-regular-all-the-time sweetness thing that repulses me and there's no one else to do it. So, there we go.
He just came in to tell me he's cooking both artichokes and ask if I wanted one. I was resistant, then said yes as I like artichokes, he went to do it and my stomach started twisting. He used to make me artichokes as a sweetness of making me food and presenting me with the artichoke and melted butter and everything. I went out and told him I'd a change of mind, no.
It may sound stupid, but service was a huge, huge, huge part of our relationship... I loved how he doted on me and I accepted it in a way that really touched me. Even little things like that make my stomach hurt and make me upset.
Anyways. Saturday Redeye_yo and I are attempting 800 needles. While I don't plan anything out ahead of time, I think I'm going to go with a different style and approach the other large ones have been in.
Wish us luck on him being able to take them all and it coming out pretty!
She actually called me as just a regular call after I sent it as she hadn't read it yet (she's not great about keeping up on the email being somewhat technologically impaired still. She uses it, but I think I may be the only person who actually has emailed her... maybe my sister has, but I doubt it as they talk in person almost every day it seems).
We talked generic normal chatty stuff and then I told her I'd sent her the email and that I'll be cutting all ties with Chael. It was an awkward conversation but hey.
Before that, Chael had come home from work... he had in his hands a box for me from Amazon I'd ordered and a yellow rose he'd told me last week that he ordered from me as a gesture of friendship. When I pointed out last week that he isn't my friend, we're not friends, he got teary and expressed that it was "more a hope" in a choked-up voice.
Because, you know, he hasn't totally told me over and over how things like that are just empty manipulation gestures. Or that roses hold a special significance from when we very first got together and he used to sneak me ones as surprises all the time and has brought me bouquets and singles over the years as acts of love and romance... which he's stated over and over were just doing them as a fake role which he is now feeling "liberated" from pretending to.
Yeah, right, I'm so moved.
He said he brought me a flower.
I said "why?".
He said that he told me last week that he had ordered it.
I just looked at him, irritated.
He said - as though absolving me from guilt! - that I didn't need to accept it.
I responded that I wasn't, rolled back onto my stomach to play on the computer, and waved my hand back at him as a sign he was to leave my room. That he was dismissed from my presence, in my opinion and intentions.
But yeah, after talking to mom I tried a smoothie recipe I got online, managed to get it poured all over the counter and floor of the kitchen, remade it after cleaning up.
Found it was pretty disgusting. Decided to make Crispy Tenders. Burnt the hell out of them. Went and hooked myself up with some junkfood, came home and read. Now I'm here.
He keeps offering to get me things when he goes out and asking me if I need anything when he goes by my room sometimes.
No, no I don't. Not from you.
If I absolutely can't reach something or some such, I'll ask just like I would a stranger at the supermarket. I'm not letting you do things for me that I let you do because I thought you were being a sweetheart and liked you doing them for me.
Uh-uhn.
So Jonesy and I are chillin'.
Had some great chatting with Delta House members today.
Also, been having a couple of nice talks here and there with some CollarMe guys. And have told a few guys off on OKCupid.
I'm not at all going to jump into another real romantic thing anytime in the near future. Sex, casualness, friendly-light-romance, but nothing serious. I need time to just be me on my own for a while to adjust to life as not-married-to-Chael in my new home after I move.
Doesn't mean I'm not open to purely service or friendly-PE/BDSM interactions, and I'm seeing what comes my way on those... but nothing more involved for a good bit.
Looking forward to Camp, as always. Moving my regular bed to a new location. I've been wanting an end spot in general and so I can workout more room for my stuff. Usually I'm between a couple other beds.
So, totally gonna see the leather family... plus I'll be living much closer to the bulk of us (I'm pretty much currently the most south and west of the really active members. All but one of us lives in the NE) and will be able to visit folks more often (and have them visit me!).
I don't plan to ever get married again. This isn't purely a currently-breaking-up thought... I've known and stated for a long while now that if anything ever happened to Chael and I, death or divorce, I really didn't feel I'd ever want to marry again. Love someone? Share my life with them? Yep. Marry? Nope.
I took one bath today in Lush stuff to start my day and try to use it as a relaxer, I think I may take another one. Or maybe just a shower with stuff.
I'd been so looking forward to Zumba tomorrow night, then a 2hour Zumbathon Saturday, then a get-together at one of the fellow-Zumbaer's house Sunday. Totally forgot we're driving up to Dallas tomorrow night to do the 800 needle project Saturday mid-day. Original plan was to drive back Sunday morning, but I want to go to the party so I decided we'll drive home Saturday night.
Chael's agreed to go up with me to do the photos and so I can use his truck to bring up the massage table and lights and stuff. It frustrates and makes me roll my eyes to accept his help in this, but it's not a used-to-be-regular-all-the-time sweetness thing that repulses me and there's no one else to do it. So, there we go.
He just came in to tell me he's cooking both artichokes and ask if I wanted one. I was resistant, then said yes as I like artichokes, he went to do it and my stomach started twisting. He used to make me artichokes as a sweetness of making me food and presenting me with the artichoke and melted butter and everything. I went out and told him I'd a change of mind, no.
It may sound stupid, but service was a huge, huge, huge part of our relationship... I loved how he doted on me and I accepted it in a way that really touched me. Even little things like that make my stomach hurt and make me upset.
Anyways. Saturday Redeye_yo and I are attempting 800 needles. While I don't plan anything out ahead of time, I think I'm going to go with a different style and approach the other large ones have been in.
Wish us luck on him being able to take them all and it coming out pretty!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Dancing
I went out on my own to Walmart to get a new blender (got an Oster that changes directions and a single-serve drink attachment for it) and to HEB for food (salad, fruit, pretend meat), in that order.
At HEB I got one of the little carts as I love those things... they're the perfect size for us little people and so fun.
They were playing My Prerogative by Bobby Brown on the sound system.
I seriously was in a great mood and dancing around the store while pushing my cart, singing to it.
Fuck him and fuck the people who gave me odd looks. It was freakin' awesome.
At HEB I got one of the little carts as I love those things... they're the perfect size for us little people and so fun.
They were playing My Prerogative by Bobby Brown on the sound system.
I seriously was in a great mood and dancing around the store while pushing my cart, singing to it.
Fuck him and fuck the people who gave me odd looks. It was freakin' awesome.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Future Privacy Take 2
I posted this once, rethought it, deleted it, and am now posting it again. Bear with me.
I think Chael may be reading this and trying to use things I share in his manipulation and lying games on me. I cannot be sure, but for my own well-being I will be password-protecting further posts that have things about what's going on that I think he could use in this.
All other sorts of posts will still be publicly viewable. After things are safer for me here I will remove the password-protection so everything is back out there.
If you are a friend or family member of mine, send me a message asking for the password. If you are a reader who wants to keep reading, send me a message asking for the password.
The first will get it right away.
The second will get it if I feel like they aren't a sock for Chael (he's not shown any direct intention of such, but given what I've learned about him I feel there's a risk). This won't be any huge set of hoops to jump through... if you've commented or "liked" on this blog in the past or we are on other sites together or you have an established web history it's cool and I'll send it. I'm just going to be weeding those who look, after a bit of googling, like they might be socks.
Again, please bear with me. I'm dealing with stuff that has gone totally around the bend into wacky-world.
I think Chael may be reading this and trying to use things I share in his manipulation and lying games on me. I cannot be sure, but for my own well-being I will be password-protecting further posts that have things about what's going on that I think he could use in this.
All other sorts of posts will still be publicly viewable. After things are safer for me here I will remove the password-protection so everything is back out there.
If you are a friend or family member of mine, send me a message asking for the password. If you are a reader who wants to keep reading, send me a message asking for the password.
The first will get it right away.
The second will get it if I feel like they aren't a sock for Chael (he's not shown any direct intention of such, but given what I've learned about him I feel there's a risk). This won't be any huge set of hoops to jump through... if you've commented or "liked" on this blog in the past or we are on other sites together or you have an established web history it's cool and I'll send it. I'm just going to be weeding those who look, after a bit of googling, like they might be socks.
Again, please bear with me. I'm dealing with stuff that has gone totally around the bend into wacky-world.
Future Privacy
I have a reason to suspect that Chael may be using things I'm posting here as a form of manipulation in his game-playing and lying to me. I cannot be sure, due to the nature of that, but to be safe with myself this blog will be password-protected from now on regarding anything of potential use to him I can think of. Other posts will still be open to view. This will last until I think it's safe to put things back out public; at that point I'll take protection off everything so that the whole story/process I've been sharing is out there.
In the meantime, I still want folks I recognize as not-him to be able to read, so if you've liked my past stuff or want to follow what is up with me in all this just send me a message through my email or the contact form here or chat or however you know me. I'll send you the password.
Thanks and I hope you understand.
In the meantime, I still want folks I recognize as not-him to be able to read, so if you've liked my past stuff or want to follow what is up with me in all this just send me a message through my email or the contact form here or chat or however you know me. I'll send you the password.
Thanks and I hope you understand.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Domina of Your Dreams
Sometimes you just want a slave to put Lotrimin between your toes cuz you think you might be getting athlete's foot.
Parting For Sure
Back a couple days ago when I said I'd made another decision regarding Chael? Well, it's still raw but I can talk about it now: After the divorce we're parting ways. He's not getting any more chances regarding coming with me to NYC or otherwise being a fixture in my life.
Everything past and present has been a lie. He can't remember any time, besides Pixel's death, that he's genuinely felt bad about anything regarding someone else in the entire time I've known him. He doesn't care that I'm divorcing him or that I'm dropping him out of my life and not taking him to NYC.
In fact, he expresses feeling "liberated" by my divorcing him because he doesn't have to "play the complex role" of being my husband (i.e. pretending to care how my day was, wanting to hold hands with me, caring if I was crying or mad about something, etc). He'd like to go on serving me as that was a "simpler role" for him to fake (and he admits it, like the marriage, would be him faking all the time and not showing any genuine emotion for me).
He cannot feel empathy. He has no interest in other people. He doesn't care about them coming into or leaving his life.
To, of course, include me.
Those are basically what the total and constant lying come down to: he doesn't know how to be a real person. He's not even sure if he *has* a real personality because all he can think to do is pretend one for others. As I mentioned before, it's not just his words... it's his whole body, his facial expressions. He lies like that without even thinking about it, it's automatic.
He basically just functions by social cues. He knows he *should* feel sad in X situation, so that's how he reacts: as though he's sad. He knows he *should* be interested in what you did today, so that's how he reacts: he asks you how your day was. He knows he *should* care that you could die due to something, so that's how he reacts: as though he's concerned.
But none of these reactions are real. Chael says he never feels any interest in others or feelings about their feelings other than making them happy makes him happy.
That doesn't sound too bad, right? That's a positive and warm trait in someone that is usually a really sweet thing.
No. Because on further explaining from him it's not about happiness in someone else feeling good, it's about manipulating them into thinking well of him so that he gets what he wants from them and that when people are happy around him his life is easier.
What a nightmare.
And no, this isn't a case of "she's assuming" or "this is her impression". This is "these are directly things he's said to her".
For 16 years he would randomly grab me, twirl me around, dance with me, and hug me in a grocery store without my ever stating I wanted this... something he started out of the blue when we were dating, something he always did spontaneously without my prompting... and it was him playing me. It was fake, a role he admits playing, he never did it out of love. It was always an act to make me *think* he wanted to do that to me because he loved me and was that kind of person. It would get me to stick around and I'm nice to him.
That last line is the summary of everything he's ever done nice for me in our relationship: it would get me to stick around and I'm nice to him.
He expresses he wouldn't mind if I died tomorrow. He wouldn't be at all upset.
He's happy to have been found out and not have to pretend to all the nice things he used to pretend to. He expresses it's a "great weight off him".
I was madly in love with a romantic, kind, frustrating, annoying, interesting, man who never existed.
Everything past and present has been a lie. He can't remember any time, besides Pixel's death, that he's genuinely felt bad about anything regarding someone else in the entire time I've known him. He doesn't care that I'm divorcing him or that I'm dropping him out of my life and not taking him to NYC.
In fact, he expresses feeling "liberated" by my divorcing him because he doesn't have to "play the complex role" of being my husband (i.e. pretending to care how my day was, wanting to hold hands with me, caring if I was crying or mad about something, etc). He'd like to go on serving me as that was a "simpler role" for him to fake (and he admits it, like the marriage, would be him faking all the time and not showing any genuine emotion for me).
He cannot feel empathy. He has no interest in other people. He doesn't care about them coming into or leaving his life.
To, of course, include me.
Those are basically what the total and constant lying come down to: he doesn't know how to be a real person. He's not even sure if he *has* a real personality because all he can think to do is pretend one for others. As I mentioned before, it's not just his words... it's his whole body, his facial expressions. He lies like that without even thinking about it, it's automatic.
He basically just functions by social cues. He knows he *should* feel sad in X situation, so that's how he reacts: as though he's sad. He knows he *should* be interested in what you did today, so that's how he reacts: he asks you how your day was. He knows he *should* care that you could die due to something, so that's how he reacts: as though he's concerned.
But none of these reactions are real. Chael says he never feels any interest in others or feelings about their feelings other than making them happy makes him happy.
That doesn't sound too bad, right? That's a positive and warm trait in someone that is usually a really sweet thing.
No. Because on further explaining from him it's not about happiness in someone else feeling good, it's about manipulating them into thinking well of him so that he gets what he wants from them and that when people are happy around him his life is easier.
What a nightmare.
And no, this isn't a case of "she's assuming" or "this is her impression". This is "these are directly things he's said to her".
For 16 years he would randomly grab me, twirl me around, dance with me, and hug me in a grocery store without my ever stating I wanted this... something he started out of the blue when we were dating, something he always did spontaneously without my prompting... and it was him playing me. It was fake, a role he admits playing, he never did it out of love. It was always an act to make me *think* he wanted to do that to me because he loved me and was that kind of person. It would get me to stick around and I'm nice to him.
That last line is the summary of everything he's ever done nice for me in our relationship: it would get me to stick around and I'm nice to him.
He expresses he wouldn't mind if I died tomorrow. He wouldn't be at all upset.
He's happy to have been found out and not have to pretend to all the nice things he used to pretend to. He expresses it's a "great weight off him".
I was madly in love with a romantic, kind, frustrating, annoying, interesting, man who never existed.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
On a More Silly Angle
So, I've been talking to a few potential friends/subs online from CM and other places regarding my move to NYC these past few months.
One that I chat with has a couple times sent me YIMs that were very disjointed and bordering on creepy at times. But when I pointed out how his responses aren't making sense, that he's skipping from one thing to another he has straightened up and answered in a normal fashion. So I just chalked it up to not really paying attention or thoughts jumping around... while still having that "hmmm" thing going where I was putting him down the list mentally a bit.
We're talking yesterday and he's doing it again. Jumping topics in ways that really didn't make sense, sending comments that were really going over into the creepy-meter area, etc. He mixed this with being a bit demanding about why haven't I responded to him... when I'd been responding.
It seemed maybe he just wasn't receiving my messages correctly, as can happen on such things. After a bit of this back and forth, he stated that there seemed to be some delay issue with his phone, which he was using to IM.
Okay, fine, that happens... but that doesn't explain the not-making-sense jumps in responses and the nature of some of them. But I'm not doing anything other than web-serfing, so what the hell; no skin off my nose and, frankly, I was wondering just what direction all this was going to take next.
So this goes on a little bit (this wasn't a long conversation at all, just a few lines exchanged due to it's nature) where he isn't responding to what I am replying with. I shrug it off and go on with my piddling around the net.
Then he sends me "ur so hot to me -black hair and ur so kinky".
I haven't had black hair in 15 years. None of my pictures anywhere on the net show me with it.
So, busted. He either doesn't know who he's talking to at all and has been ass-kissing me despite it or he's talking at the same time with someone else and sent the wrong text to me.
I answer with a "yeaahhhhhh, no black hair here" sort of response.
Instead of backing up and owning it, asking who I am again or explaining that oh, that was for someone else or any such there is just another pause and he then sends me a message totally unrelated to my busting him saying how he's looking forward to me getting to NYC.
No longer speaking with him.
I don't expect any potential slave to be talking to just me. I'm shopping around, I fully expect them to be shopping around.
I don't expect them to only be texting me at a given time. I talk to more than one person online via whatever medium, I expect others to, too.
But damn, man, keep your people straight. And if you don't and screw up on it, admit it and fix it. I know I've said to people "it's been a while since we talked, could you link me to your profile again?" so I can figure out who the hell I'm talking to lol.
And since I'm now addressing it, what the heck with the creepy comments? Were they appropriate to the other person you were speaking to or were they actually directed at me and just uncomfortable in our interaction?
So yeah, that gave me a laugh.
It's like, really: dude, just admit you screwed up and ask me who the hell I am. It will make me laugh. Ignoring it? Well yeah, no more chatting with him.
One that I chat with has a couple times sent me YIMs that were very disjointed and bordering on creepy at times. But when I pointed out how his responses aren't making sense, that he's skipping from one thing to another he has straightened up and answered in a normal fashion. So I just chalked it up to not really paying attention or thoughts jumping around... while still having that "hmmm" thing going where I was putting him down the list mentally a bit.
We're talking yesterday and he's doing it again. Jumping topics in ways that really didn't make sense, sending comments that were really going over into the creepy-meter area, etc. He mixed this with being a bit demanding about why haven't I responded to him... when I'd been responding.
It seemed maybe he just wasn't receiving my messages correctly, as can happen on such things. After a bit of this back and forth, he stated that there seemed to be some delay issue with his phone, which he was using to IM.
Okay, fine, that happens... but that doesn't explain the not-making-sense jumps in responses and the nature of some of them. But I'm not doing anything other than web-serfing, so what the hell; no skin off my nose and, frankly, I was wondering just what direction all this was going to take next.
So this goes on a little bit (this wasn't a long conversation at all, just a few lines exchanged due to it's nature) where he isn't responding to what I am replying with. I shrug it off and go on with my piddling around the net.
Then he sends me "ur so hot to me -black hair and ur so kinky".
I haven't had black hair in 15 years. None of my pictures anywhere on the net show me with it.
So, busted. He either doesn't know who he's talking to at all and has been ass-kissing me despite it or he's talking at the same time with someone else and sent the wrong text to me.
I answer with a "yeaahhhhhh, no black hair here" sort of response.
Instead of backing up and owning it, asking who I am again or explaining that oh, that was for someone else or any such there is just another pause and he then sends me a message totally unrelated to my busting him saying how he's looking forward to me getting to NYC.
No longer speaking with him.
I don't expect any potential slave to be talking to just me. I'm shopping around, I fully expect them to be shopping around.
I don't expect them to only be texting me at a given time. I talk to more than one person online via whatever medium, I expect others to, too.
But damn, man, keep your people straight. And if you don't and screw up on it, admit it and fix it. I know I've said to people "it's been a while since we talked, could you link me to your profile again?" so I can figure out who the hell I'm talking to lol.
And since I'm now addressing it, what the heck with the creepy comments? Were they appropriate to the other person you were speaking to or were they actually directed at me and just uncomfortable in our interaction?
So yeah, that gave me a laugh.
It's like, really: dude, just admit you screwed up and ask me who the hell I am. It will make me laugh. Ignoring it? Well yeah, no more chatting with him.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Another
More lying. Faking and lying and horribleness these past couple weeks, even beyond what I recognized.
I've made a decision. Another one.
I know I'm making the right decision, but it's ripping my guts out.
Not ready yet to talk about it.
I've made a decision. Another one.
I know I'm making the right decision, but it's ripping my guts out.
Not ready yet to talk about it.
Waiver, Decree, Petition
Got those forms by email today. Gonna serve Chael tonight after he gets home. We have a couple lines to fill in, then send it back.
If he agrees to sign the waiver (which I assume he will) we need to see a notary public to witness it. I'm going to google our local ones, maybe we can get that done today as he gets out early on Thursdays.
Tummy-gripping morning due to this. My Delta's are amusing me, so that helps.
Printed everything out.
Oh boy.
On a different topic, I also printed out a form from Social Security to have them start taxing me monthly on my benefits instead of taking a big chunk when doing my Federal Income Tax each year. Turns out I can mail it to them (at first it looked like I'd have to actually go to the office to deliver it), so yay.
If he agrees to sign the waiver (which I assume he will) we need to see a notary public to witness it. I'm going to google our local ones, maybe we can get that done today as he gets out early on Thursdays.
Tummy-gripping morning due to this. My Delta's are amusing me, so that helps.
Printed everything out.
Oh boy.
On a different topic, I also printed out a form from Social Security to have them start taxing me monthly on my benefits instead of taking a big chunk when doing my Federal Income Tax each year. Turns out I can mail it to them (at first it looked like I'd have to actually go to the office to deliver it), so yay.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Therapy and Not Much to Say
Not much to say, really. The past couple days have been going pretty much the same.
Monday I went and talked to my therapist (well, he's not really like a regular therapist to me... he's the therapist I like at the VA and used to see, so when I wanted to talk to someone I requested him). That was really good. He's a nice guy and good at his job, he listened and gave me some good stuff to think about. He also got me a same-day meds appointment where I was squeezed in to a new psychdoc a few hours later.
It meant another 80 minute round-trip to Temple that day, but it was worth it. She gave me Ambien and the first quick-acting anxiety medication that any doctor has given me ever. Of over 10 years of panic attacks. I get the constant impression I'm considered drug-seeking whenever I've asked for that sort of thing (and in general, sigh) but this lady took me seriously and prescribed.
Haven't needed to use any yet, while I've had anger and upset the past couple days I've not had huge anxiety rushes where I need drugging lol.
We had a long talk Monday, Chael and I. More horribleness. Not an ugly conversation or anything, just hurtful... More angles to what I already knew, new aspects of the lying and stuff.
Then we went to his therapist on Tuesday... and I have no idea what is going on in his head. The denial, the lying, the bizarre twist on memories discussed... it's unreal.
And, of course, he's been lying to me in the ways I've caught him this couple or so weeks plus the subjective things I couldn't directly catch him in.
All.Day.Long. he lies. Constantly. To everybody. It's really sick. As in, not well... not...right in the head.
Again, I caught him out several times in front of the therapist.
I get the direct impression the therapist has no idea what to do with him, either. Good guy, but this is not a "So, what is stressing you out and triggering your depression with work? How is that doing?" sort of thing that Chael was sent to him for.
And it may very well be the case that these past 15 years Chael hasn't loved me. He's currently trying to figure out whether he has or does at all or not. No solid word yet.
His "homework" for therapy is to figure out what he actually feels about anyone ever and in what ways, then in theory the doc will work with him from there on those details and why he lies and fakes with everyone he comes into contact with.
I told him that Dr. Roger's (my therapist from the other day) thinks it would be best if he moved out and that while I don't have to do it immediately, that's the case in his opinion. I'm inclined to agree. I don't know what's wrong with Chael or if it can ever be fixed, I'm divorcing him, and it just hurts as I keep watching him lie to me.
Not in that his new lies upset me... like I said, I'm at a point of emotion and acceptance where it just doesn't matter. But finding out and re-affirming old ones... twists my insides.
There will never be flowers again. No holding hands. No cuddles before bed.
He wants to stay with me, he thinks I'm wonderful, he wants to continue to serve me... but he doesn't really care about losing me.
Dr. Roger's suggested that when I feel like this or when I start getting super-angry to try and think about what good has come from the marriage, the experience of it.
I can't really think of anything as far as the relationship itself goes. I had some very nice times with Chael... things we've done together, sweetnesses we shared and that I loved... but they weren't real. He lied all through them. For the most part they were manipulations he says. They were just part of the way he shows a fake personality to everyone.
So what am I supposed to take away from that? Other relationships that have ended, whether rough or not, have had things I learned from them... things I brought out of them as good experiences, happy memories... things I learned I wanted or didn't want in the future.
But what do you get when all your happy memories were faked by the other person? When you never even knew who they really were, felt, or thought all those years?
What do you take away when all you can say that you learned is what you already knew: that no one ever really knows anyone. That like I've pointed out to others for decades now, starting before this marriage, you can know someone for years or, as a parent, their entire life and still find out one day that you don't know them at all or that they have been doing horrible things you would never suspect of them like pedophilia or skinning kittens or raping and eating joggers they abduct or whatever. Because that does happen to people.
And then it happened to me. Irony.
So far the only good thing I've been able to salvage in my mind about this relationship isn't actually about the relationship... it's that due to being married to him I got to go to Germany to live and traveled all over Europe on my own.
That, and Pixel and Jonesy. I wouldn't have had those two particular wonderful kitties in my life if we'd not been married and we'd gotten them for me.
So Europe travel and two cats. 15+ years together and that's the total so far.
The endless lying. I watch it with him when speaking to others, when speaking to me. Not just his words... it's... his whole self. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice... he sounds normal. There isn't the mismatch that most people tend to have if they lie more than the occasional social-lubricant type. It's sad, for both me AND him... I can't imagine living like that, not being yourself ever.
Everybody lies to some extent... from major to little tiny politenesses, depending on the person and what is going on with them. I don't know how to express that this is not that. There is nothing he says about himself or that he does with others that can be trusted, because he will and does lie about any and all of it.
Again, it's not a malicious thing. His intent is not to hurt others or to be mean to people. He just wants them to think well of him and he doesn't care what he has to do or tell them to make them do so. Even when he knows it can or does hurt them.
He sat down next to my bed and with tears in his eyes asked me not to go. Told me he was not okay and that he wanted me to stay.
Then later admitted he's not particularly upset about any of this.
He wasn't doing it to try and be a bastard to me, he just wants me to stick around so he'll fake emotions to get me to.
How sick is that?
Thankfully, for my heart and mind, I didn't believe a word of it when he said it.
The only thing I trust out of him nowadays is that he does what he's told the majority of the time, like before. Tell him to clean the kitchen: he does. Tell him I want him to get X from the grocery on his way home: he does.
It may be he's honestly not capable of more emotion than what I'm finding, again towards me or anyone. He expresses thinking I'm the best person he's ever known and caring for me the most out of anyone... but he's not sure he loves me or has during any point in our marriage. And has continually lied his ass off to me like he does with everyone else.
Anyway, nothing is changing as far as my plans. Divorce, move to NYC. With or without him.
Things are definitely more likely without him. I'm not going to keep him around for his sake. There has to be enough in it for me and as I've said before I'm promising nothing past the next 5 minutes. So far as the days go by I'm seeing less and less in it for me.
It may sound to others like I'm holding on to something or that I'm still attached in a love sort of way and waffling... I can assure you that's not the case. I don't love him anymore, not after all I've learned. I'm not rethinking the divorce or thinking that we'll ever have what I thought we had. It's utilitarian now... he's useful. Plus, I do hope that he someday fixes this about himself whether or not I still know him if/when he does. I don't hate him, I wish him well, I hope someday he can be okay. But I'm no longer connected and in love and looking forward with him.
I have plans for my life, and he may be lucky enough to tag along.
Monday I went and talked to my therapist (well, he's not really like a regular therapist to me... he's the therapist I like at the VA and used to see, so when I wanted to talk to someone I requested him). That was really good. He's a nice guy and good at his job, he listened and gave me some good stuff to think about. He also got me a same-day meds appointment where I was squeezed in to a new psychdoc a few hours later.
It meant another 80 minute round-trip to Temple that day, but it was worth it. She gave me Ambien and the first quick-acting anxiety medication that any doctor has given me ever. Of over 10 years of panic attacks. I get the constant impression I'm considered drug-seeking whenever I've asked for that sort of thing (and in general, sigh) but this lady took me seriously and prescribed.
Haven't needed to use any yet, while I've had anger and upset the past couple days I've not had huge anxiety rushes where I need drugging lol.
We had a long talk Monday, Chael and I. More horribleness. Not an ugly conversation or anything, just hurtful... More angles to what I already knew, new aspects of the lying and stuff.
Then we went to his therapist on Tuesday... and I have no idea what is going on in his head. The denial, the lying, the bizarre twist on memories discussed... it's unreal.
And, of course, he's been lying to me in the ways I've caught him this couple or so weeks plus the subjective things I couldn't directly catch him in.
All.Day.Long. he lies. Constantly. To everybody. It's really sick. As in, not well... not...right in the head.
Again, I caught him out several times in front of the therapist.
I get the direct impression the therapist has no idea what to do with him, either. Good guy, but this is not a "So, what is stressing you out and triggering your depression with work? How is that doing?" sort of thing that Chael was sent to him for.
And it may very well be the case that these past 15 years Chael hasn't loved me. He's currently trying to figure out whether he has or does at all or not. No solid word yet.
His "homework" for therapy is to figure out what he actually feels about anyone ever and in what ways, then in theory the doc will work with him from there on those details and why he lies and fakes with everyone he comes into contact with.
I told him that Dr. Roger's (my therapist from the other day) thinks it would be best if he moved out and that while I don't have to do it immediately, that's the case in his opinion. I'm inclined to agree. I don't know what's wrong with Chael or if it can ever be fixed, I'm divorcing him, and it just hurts as I keep watching him lie to me.
Not in that his new lies upset me... like I said, I'm at a point of emotion and acceptance where it just doesn't matter. But finding out and re-affirming old ones... twists my insides.
There will never be flowers again. No holding hands. No cuddles before bed.
He wants to stay with me, he thinks I'm wonderful, he wants to continue to serve me... but he doesn't really care about losing me.
Dr. Roger's suggested that when I feel like this or when I start getting super-angry to try and think about what good has come from the marriage, the experience of it.
I can't really think of anything as far as the relationship itself goes. I had some very nice times with Chael... things we've done together, sweetnesses we shared and that I loved... but they weren't real. He lied all through them. For the most part they were manipulations he says. They were just part of the way he shows a fake personality to everyone.
So what am I supposed to take away from that? Other relationships that have ended, whether rough or not, have had things I learned from them... things I brought out of them as good experiences, happy memories... things I learned I wanted or didn't want in the future.
But what do you get when all your happy memories were faked by the other person? When you never even knew who they really were, felt, or thought all those years?
What do you take away when all you can say that you learned is what you already knew: that no one ever really knows anyone. That like I've pointed out to others for decades now, starting before this marriage, you can know someone for years or, as a parent, their entire life and still find out one day that you don't know them at all or that they have been doing horrible things you would never suspect of them like pedophilia or skinning kittens or raping and eating joggers they abduct or whatever. Because that does happen to people.
And then it happened to me. Irony.
So far the only good thing I've been able to salvage in my mind about this relationship isn't actually about the relationship... it's that due to being married to him I got to go to Germany to live and traveled all over Europe on my own.
That, and Pixel and Jonesy. I wouldn't have had those two particular wonderful kitties in my life if we'd not been married and we'd gotten them for me.
So Europe travel and two cats. 15+ years together and that's the total so far.
The endless lying. I watch it with him when speaking to others, when speaking to me. Not just his words... it's... his whole self. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice... he sounds normal. There isn't the mismatch that most people tend to have if they lie more than the occasional social-lubricant type. It's sad, for both me AND him... I can't imagine living like that, not being yourself ever.
Everybody lies to some extent... from major to little tiny politenesses, depending on the person and what is going on with them. I don't know how to express that this is not that. There is nothing he says about himself or that he does with others that can be trusted, because he will and does lie about any and all of it.
Again, it's not a malicious thing. His intent is not to hurt others or to be mean to people. He just wants them to think well of him and he doesn't care what he has to do or tell them to make them do so. Even when he knows it can or does hurt them.
He sat down next to my bed and with tears in his eyes asked me not to go. Told me he was not okay and that he wanted me to stay.
Then later admitted he's not particularly upset about any of this.
He wasn't doing it to try and be a bastard to me, he just wants me to stick around so he'll fake emotions to get me to.
How sick is that?
Thankfully, for my heart and mind, I didn't believe a word of it when he said it.
The only thing I trust out of him nowadays is that he does what he's told the majority of the time, like before. Tell him to clean the kitchen: he does. Tell him I want him to get X from the grocery on his way home: he does.
It may be he's honestly not capable of more emotion than what I'm finding, again towards me or anyone. He expresses thinking I'm the best person he's ever known and caring for me the most out of anyone... but he's not sure he loves me or has during any point in our marriage. And has continually lied his ass off to me like he does with everyone else.
Anyway, nothing is changing as far as my plans. Divorce, move to NYC. With or without him.
Things are definitely more likely without him. I'm not going to keep him around for his sake. There has to be enough in it for me and as I've said before I'm promising nothing past the next 5 minutes. So far as the days go by I'm seeing less and less in it for me.
It may sound to others like I'm holding on to something or that I'm still attached in a love sort of way and waffling... I can assure you that's not the case. I don't love him anymore, not after all I've learned. I'm not rethinking the divorce or thinking that we'll ever have what I thought we had. It's utilitarian now... he's useful. Plus, I do hope that he someday fixes this about himself whether or not I still know him if/when he does. I don't hate him, I wish him well, I hope someday he can be okay. But I'm no longer connected and in love and looking forward with him.
I have plans for my life, and he may be lucky enough to tag along.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Sigh
Grilling him over something last night he admitted that that other night when I thought I might have to go to the hospital because I was so upset and feeling unhealthy? He'd not been concerned and thought I was just being dramatic with telling him I might need to go to the ER and my symptoms and stuff.
I can't even be mad at this point over that. He said it and I had that moment of a mental, "seriously?" in a slight disbelieving tone, and then just "whatever" with a moving-on mood and frame of mind. I think about it now and it just helps to let me know I'm making the right decision with the divorce. It doesn't hurt, it's just kinda annoying and stupid.
He's expressing how he loves me and doesn't want me to go and really cares about how hard this is being on me and that he's hurt me... and yeah, he's admitting to giving a rat's ass at other times in just the last couple of week... on my worst day... when I told him I might have to go to the ER for it he thought I was blowing it out of proportion.
16 years together, a little more of knowing each other, 15+ years of being married.
I think I've been to the ER 5 or 6 times with him. 3 of those times were actually and literally life-threatening. 1 time that was a very extreme issue but not life-threatening that landed me in the hospital, 1 was because I cut my thumb about half off. 1 was because I was ordered to by my Army superiors because I was having nausea/vomiting issue during training. 1 was a night where I was having a very difficult time breathing. I might've forgotten one, I'm not sure... but you get the idea. I think I might've gone for something more minor, probably, at some point.
I am not someone who gets a sniffle or an every-day panic attack and goes to the hospital. Generally, I have to be bleeding or think I might die (and I've usually been right on that part) to go.
I do a lot of googling health worries, check all my meds online before taking them, and ask others when I think something with me is odd... but I don't go to the ER easily.
Remember recently trying to ignore what turned out to be an emergency-surgery bowel issue?
He knows this.
He thought I was just being dramatic about it.
eyeroll
But yeah, not angry or hurt by this point of view. It's just a "yeahhhh, whatever" reaction now.
And a bit after that I gave up interrogating him trying to get him to tell me the truth on the thingy last night. Again, as I said before that it would probably be and I told him last night - I really don't care enough at this point to put myself through that. I eventually just did a mental (and I believe physical) shrug and just went on with my night.
Other things still hurt a lot. I try not to think of them.
I forgot/put off getting athlete's foot cream for me yesterday so when he offered to go out and get some for me last night after we got home from D&D I said for him to go. I read while he went to the store and had him put it on my toes when he got back, then I fell asleep hard.
I'm gonna go look at apartments in New York City again.
I can't even be mad at this point over that. He said it and I had that moment of a mental, "seriously?" in a slight disbelieving tone, and then just "whatever" with a moving-on mood and frame of mind. I think about it now and it just helps to let me know I'm making the right decision with the divorce. It doesn't hurt, it's just kinda annoying and stupid.
He's expressing how he loves me and doesn't want me to go and really cares about how hard this is being on me and that he's hurt me... and yeah, he's admitting to giving a rat's ass at other times in just the last couple of week... on my worst day... when I told him I might have to go to the ER for it he thought I was blowing it out of proportion.
16 years together, a little more of knowing each other, 15+ years of being married.
I think I've been to the ER 5 or 6 times with him. 3 of those times were actually and literally life-threatening. 1 time that was a very extreme issue but not life-threatening that landed me in the hospital, 1 was because I cut my thumb about half off. 1 was because I was ordered to by my Army superiors because I was having nausea/vomiting issue during training. 1 was a night where I was having a very difficult time breathing. I might've forgotten one, I'm not sure... but you get the idea. I think I might've gone for something more minor, probably, at some point.
I am not someone who gets a sniffle or an every-day panic attack and goes to the hospital. Generally, I have to be bleeding or think I might die (and I've usually been right on that part) to go.
I do a lot of googling health worries, check all my meds online before taking them, and ask others when I think something with me is odd... but I don't go to the ER easily.
Remember recently trying to ignore what turned out to be an emergency-surgery bowel issue?
He knows this.
He thought I was just being dramatic about it.
eyeroll
But yeah, not angry or hurt by this point of view. It's just a "yeahhhh, whatever" reaction now.
And a bit after that I gave up interrogating him trying to get him to tell me the truth on the thingy last night. Again, as I said before that it would probably be and I told him last night - I really don't care enough at this point to put myself through that. I eventually just did a mental (and I believe physical) shrug and just went on with my night.
Other things still hurt a lot. I try not to think of them.
I forgot/put off getting athlete's foot cream for me yesterday so when he offered to go out and get some for me last night after we got home from D&D I said for him to go. I read while he went to the store and had him put it on my toes when he got back, then I fell asleep hard.
I'm gonna go look at apartments in New York City again.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
HEB, Urges to Punch, Foot Stuff, Whatever
After seeing the lawyer yesterday I was speaking with Chael in his room.... told him I feel like deep down he doesn't really believe I'm divorcing him in seriousness. He expressed that no, he doesn't, but that he thinks he may be starting to.
We played D&D with the folks I've mentioned before. It was a fun night with them. Nightmare getting my food delivered there and never ended up getting to eat because the delivery place couldn't get my order right the two times they showed up in the 3 hours I waited. But, whatever. The game itself was good.
Then Chael and I hit the new HEB to actually shop on the way home (we'd went earlier to just check it out as it opened for the first time yesterday, but the place was too insane to try and actually buy anything... they had a full parking lot and police at all the nearby intersections to control traffic to it). I got a whole bunch of dirty little vegan hippy food. Protein and healthy yummies. The old store had none such, it's awesome to have raw and vegan-protein foods just down the street now.
I had a couple urges in the store to just punch him upside the head out of no where.
I didn't.
But I had the urges.
He went a few times to casually touch me like he used to when we were okay. I've described how such make me feel now. I dodged each time and he apologized.
We went home and put things away. I got all ready for bed while he watched (angling my bed up, putting the laptop over on the stand so I can run TV shows on it to sleep to, etc.) and we both made our way to settling down to sleep. I got covered up and curled up and comfortable. He walked around the house a bit to take his insulin and stuff before going to his room.
My toes itched between them in a way that made me concerned about athlete's foot. So as he was walking across my doorway through the hall I yelled for him and had him put anti stuff on my feet and between my toes while I laid covered up in bed on my stomach with my feet sticking out of the end of the blankets to him.
Having him do something that I specifically order as service rather than a romantic-relationship-touch I can handle as long as it's limited. He started taking a little more time putting stuff on my one foot and I almost pulled it out of his reach and kicked him in the chest in one move, but before it came to that he changed which foot he was working on.
Then we both settled down in our own beds and passed out.
We talked a little this morning after we both woke up, me sitting in bed, him sitting on the floor next to it. Just casual stuff about how we slept and stuff. He asked if I wanted a bagel for breakfast, I agreed and he made me one.
He then went off and did his own stuff. Currently asleep in his room.
I've been bumming around the internet talking to people, doing email and posting and stuff. Seeing a lot of things that upset me due to what's happened with us plus a dose of disability issues discussion. I try to skip threads I find make me at all uncomfortable about things right now, but a couple I responded to.
Unrelated - or maybe it was a delayed reaction - I was looking at other stuff and I started getting angry again. I mean that building anger, not just the general "you bastard" bitter state I stay in. Then it crashed into sadness. I'm leaving it at that and not describing it, I'm gonna go distract myself.
Plans are 3pm D&D. It's a little after 1pm right now.
We played D&D with the folks I've mentioned before. It was a fun night with them. Nightmare getting my food delivered there and never ended up getting to eat because the delivery place couldn't get my order right the two times they showed up in the 3 hours I waited. But, whatever. The game itself was good.
Then Chael and I hit the new HEB to actually shop on the way home (we'd went earlier to just check it out as it opened for the first time yesterday, but the place was too insane to try and actually buy anything... they had a full parking lot and police at all the nearby intersections to control traffic to it). I got a whole bunch of dirty little vegan hippy food. Protein and healthy yummies. The old store had none such, it's awesome to have raw and vegan-protein foods just down the street now.
I had a couple urges in the store to just punch him upside the head out of no where.
I didn't.
But I had the urges.
He went a few times to casually touch me like he used to when we were okay. I've described how such make me feel now. I dodged each time and he apologized.
We went home and put things away. I got all ready for bed while he watched (angling my bed up, putting the laptop over on the stand so I can run TV shows on it to sleep to, etc.) and we both made our way to settling down to sleep. I got covered up and curled up and comfortable. He walked around the house a bit to take his insulin and stuff before going to his room.
My toes itched between them in a way that made me concerned about athlete's foot. So as he was walking across my doorway through the hall I yelled for him and had him put anti stuff on my feet and between my toes while I laid covered up in bed on my stomach with my feet sticking out of the end of the blankets to him.
Having him do something that I specifically order as service rather than a romantic-relationship-touch I can handle as long as it's limited. He started taking a little more time putting stuff on my one foot and I almost pulled it out of his reach and kicked him in the chest in one move, but before it came to that he changed which foot he was working on.
Then we both settled down in our own beds and passed out.
We talked a little this morning after we both woke up, me sitting in bed, him sitting on the floor next to it. Just casual stuff about how we slept and stuff. He asked if I wanted a bagel for breakfast, I agreed and he made me one.
He then went off and did his own stuff. Currently asleep in his room.
I've been bumming around the internet talking to people, doing email and posting and stuff. Seeing a lot of things that upset me due to what's happened with us plus a dose of disability issues discussion. I try to skip threads I find make me at all uncomfortable about things right now, but a couple I responded to.
Unrelated - or maybe it was a delayed reaction - I was looking at other stuff and I started getting angry again. I mean that building anger, not just the general "you bastard" bitter state I stay in. Then it crashed into sadness. I'm leaving it at that and not describing it, I'm gonna go distract myself.
Plans are 3pm D&D. It's a little after 1pm right now.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Oh God
I feel like crying and I think I may be having a bit of a panic attack. I'm upset and it's hard to breath and tight in my chest due to an emotion, not physical issue. Yes, I think this is an official panic attack though it's in a different flavor than I'm used to.
Yesterday Chael and I worked during the evening on the divorce paperwork the lawyer's office emailed me. I did most of it, but had to keep asking him details on it. When he got home last night from work I asked him if he could stay home today and work with me on making all the calls to places we had to get account details on and other stuff that I couldn't do myself as they are some in only his name.
Today at 4pm I see the lawyer to turn it in and ask some questions and put down my retainer.
Those have been yesterday and will be today and I'm having a hard time breathing.
Last night before he went to bed Chael stood in the livingroom while I was sitting there and did his little happy-dance he does randomly at times when he's in a good mood.
I wasn't hurt by it, at this point only memories really hurt, but I did point out to him that he was acting just fine when he's also professing to love me so much and be so upset I'm divorcing him and doesn't want to lose me and such. He agreed he was.
I just want to cry I'm so stressed and 15 years of marriage, 16 years of what I thought was love is ended. He gets caught in about a lie or more a day, it just depends on how often and much we happen to speak that day. Unbelievable what this has all meant, what that mega-lie I found out is and how it all ties together.
I can't stand for him to touch me. When he hands me something and our fingers touch or his arm brushes me or something it repulses me. Literally, my stomach clenches and I just feel a sense of revulsion and bitterness and my body tries to get away before I even think about it really.
I'm keeping it together for the most part, as mentioned before. I crack now and then for a bit - like just a minute ago I had to take a break to bawl for a few moments - but I'm trying to keep things amiable and it's just not in my nature to go into a raving-bitch-mode.
I'm treating this divorce largely as a job to be done, a problem to solve.
After feeling kind of bad for listing Jonesy as having no worth on our splitting-property-questionnaire (not because I was unhappy that my cat isn't money valuable, but because it just felt so rude) I did some googling to find out if he had any money value as Snowshoes actually are rather desirable to an extent, but as I said before Jonesy is Definitely Not Show Quality. He's beautiful and has all the typical traits except he his color pattern is considered of less value than other patterns better quality Snowshoes have. Plus, he's 15 frickin' years old. But I figured what the hell, it's free to search the internet... holy crap. If he were a kitten or show quality he'd be worth anything from a lot of a whole fucking lot, but as he's 15 and not at anywhere near show quality he's still of no monetary value.
But I so love him, so it felt bad putting that on a form.
The short crying session has eased up the panic attack. It's now down to more manageable levels, not gone but I feel better than I did. Turned out I just needed to do some releasing of garbage.
I could kick Chael in the face right now.
I won't. But at the moment the idea sounds so good.
He should be home soon from doing his PT duties. He doesn't actually have PT this morning but instead had to help out the detail doing road-guard for it as the First Sergeant didn't have a truck and they didn't know if the detail minions did at all so Chael agreed to use his truck with them (they need to put out barriers and stuff and then take them back in afterwards).
I'm gonna call Dr. Roger's as soon as I think VA Mental Health will be open. This is gonna be one rough day if this start has shown anything. Woke up at about 4:15 and couldn't go back to sleep, have been eating terrible terrible food for me, panic attack, and that's all before 8am.
But yeah. Chael's lies. Chael's constant lying. Still lying.
He's been lying to me since before we got married. To get me to marry him.
Again, it's some consolation that it's not a case of us just having some phenomenonally fucked up relationship. At least it's not just a case of me, but with everyone all the time.
(about 30 or so minutes passes)
Talked to the really good therapist on the phone at the VA that I've seen in the past. It turns out my appointment with him isn't next Friday but is instead Monday morning, so yay.
Time to start on the rest of the division of property paperwork that needs done today.
Yesterday Chael and I worked during the evening on the divorce paperwork the lawyer's office emailed me. I did most of it, but had to keep asking him details on it. When he got home last night from work I asked him if he could stay home today and work with me on making all the calls to places we had to get account details on and other stuff that I couldn't do myself as they are some in only his name.
Today at 4pm I see the lawyer to turn it in and ask some questions and put down my retainer.
Those have been yesterday and will be today and I'm having a hard time breathing.
Last night before he went to bed Chael stood in the livingroom while I was sitting there and did his little happy-dance he does randomly at times when he's in a good mood.
I wasn't hurt by it, at this point only memories really hurt, but I did point out to him that he was acting just fine when he's also professing to love me so much and be so upset I'm divorcing him and doesn't want to lose me and such. He agreed he was.
I just want to cry I'm so stressed and 15 years of marriage, 16 years of what I thought was love is ended. He gets caught in about a lie or more a day, it just depends on how often and much we happen to speak that day. Unbelievable what this has all meant, what that mega-lie I found out is and how it all ties together.
I can't stand for him to touch me. When he hands me something and our fingers touch or his arm brushes me or something it repulses me. Literally, my stomach clenches and I just feel a sense of revulsion and bitterness and my body tries to get away before I even think about it really.
I'm keeping it together for the most part, as mentioned before. I crack now and then for a bit - like just a minute ago I had to take a break to bawl for a few moments - but I'm trying to keep things amiable and it's just not in my nature to go into a raving-bitch-mode.
I'm treating this divorce largely as a job to be done, a problem to solve.
After feeling kind of bad for listing Jonesy as having no worth on our splitting-property-questionnaire (not because I was unhappy that my cat isn't money valuable, but because it just felt so rude) I did some googling to find out if he had any money value as Snowshoes actually are rather desirable to an extent, but as I said before Jonesy is Definitely Not Show Quality. He's beautiful and has all the typical traits except he his color pattern is considered of less value than other patterns better quality Snowshoes have. Plus, he's 15 frickin' years old. But I figured what the hell, it's free to search the internet... holy crap. If he were a kitten or show quality he'd be worth anything from a lot of a whole fucking lot, but as he's 15 and not at anywhere near show quality he's still of no monetary value.
But I so love him, so it felt bad putting that on a form.
The short crying session has eased up the panic attack. It's now down to more manageable levels, not gone but I feel better than I did. Turned out I just needed to do some releasing of garbage.
I could kick Chael in the face right now.
I won't. But at the moment the idea sounds so good.
He should be home soon from doing his PT duties. He doesn't actually have PT this morning but instead had to help out the detail doing road-guard for it as the First Sergeant didn't have a truck and they didn't know if the detail minions did at all so Chael agreed to use his truck with them (they need to put out barriers and stuff and then take them back in afterwards).
I'm gonna call Dr. Roger's as soon as I think VA Mental Health will be open. This is gonna be one rough day if this start has shown anything. Woke up at about 4:15 and couldn't go back to sleep, have been eating terrible terrible food for me, panic attack, and that's all before 8am.
But yeah. Chael's lies. Chael's constant lying. Still lying.
He's been lying to me since before we got married. To get me to marry him.
Again, it's some consolation that it's not a case of us just having some phenomenonally fucked up relationship. At least it's not just a case of me, but with everyone all the time.
(about 30 or so minutes passes)
Talked to the really good therapist on the phone at the VA that I've seen in the past. It turns out my appointment with him isn't next Friday but is instead Monday morning, so yay.
Time to start on the rest of the division of property paperwork that needs done today.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
30 Minutes, I Swear
Caught him using a phrase he expresses is about respect as being a new way of trying to shut me up when he wants a conversation to end that is uncomfortable for him. It's something I now know he's been doing to me for years. Something he does to lie to me about his actual thoughts on something and to manipulate me into thinking different things about him and us and the situation.
I called him out on it. Instead, of course, of admitting he was doing it or telling me what he really thought or anything, you know, honest he started lying and lying and lying to me.
I mean, really obviously contradicting statements over and over, back to back.
For 20-30 minutes this went on as I tried to get him to admit ANYTHING honest. Whether I liked the truth or not. I've made it clear repeatedly and during this conversation that he would be better off telling me something I hated to hear than to keep obviously lying his ass off.
And it's 100% true. It would have been so much better for both of us if he just had replied honestly at the start... or even just earlier in the interrogation. I can handle hearing something that pisses me off but is true from him. That won't get him punished. That we can work out amicably because I am not someone that needs a partner to agree with me all the time. And all of that is something he should know about me by now and that I have straight-out told him as a reminder this past week and a half.
But he lies and lies because that's what he does. To me, to everyone. Over everything, all the time.
How many lies I catch him in a day -to me or to others- just varies by how much time we spend talking.
Dammit, and I just realized that he *did* manage to get me off the original uncomfortable (but not ugly or anything) topic it started with.
urgghghghghghghghghg
So yeah, punishment.
I hate punishment. I can't see me putting up with it for much longer as I just find it unpleasant to deal with. I feel bad for it. Like I said, I'm sure there's some karmic balancing for me in it.
Not that all will be peachy and he'll be let off the hook, I mean I'll just say "fuck it, nevermind, I'm not even bothering with this with you".
Friday is payday and starting things with the lawyer, officially. I gotta talk more with him about the details on Chael getting medically retired. It may come back to contractual alimony.
Unless things unexpectedly take a turn for the ugly, things should be pretty smooth splitting up belongings and money and stuff. We each have long had an understanding on our personal items and specific things in the house (for example, the couch is mine as I entirely paid for it. The wine fridges are mine and while he likes us having them, he doesn't want or need them after the divorce. Our cars are our own. The house he bought is entirely his. Etc.). I'm not going to separate out our joint Wells Fargo account until it's closer to the divorce finishing as we're living together and we need that arrangement to pay the rent and such smoothly.
I'm back to logging on MyFitnessPal each day. Just started yesterday again. And yeah, my body is back to losing weight after a long plateau. Like I've said elsewhere and earlier, if this is where my body decides to stay I'm a-ok. I'm really happy with the results of the bypass and all the working out and stuff. I'm so much healthier now, I hurt so much less. But it just never ceases to amaze me that people repeat and repeat and repeat the calories-in/calories-out thing and I spent about 12-13yrs at different levels of calorie deficits while working with doctors and trainers and gained 180 pounds during it... then can still work out for months, after a gastric bypass, at a deficit and sit at the same weight and measurements.
But whatever, plateau finally seems broken, my tummy is all healed (the weird thing that incision was doing has stopped again and it looks all happy and now does that healing-itchy thing, so I'm feeling pretty good about it), and it's back to the gym! Wheeeee!
I'm not re-starting Grit, though, until I've been doing regular classes for at least a month, though. Grit is horrible and good for me, but it's so intense I really can't do it after taking a month off. I need to build back up to that.
I'm wandering.
Delta House and general internet silliness has been keeping me distracted most of the time now. I really am getting little done in the real-world this past week. Oh boy have my daily priorities shifted... It's mostly about finding things to make me giggle around here now.
Drinking some happy tea.
Oh, and Chael totally almost got punched in the face earlier today - not the whole thing mentioned above. Earlier in the day I was on YouTube and there was a video that involved same-sex marriage... at the point of proposal I cried and had this intense urge. I didn't, cuz that's not what I'm like, but the desire was there. As is my usual way, I calmed down and moved on.
Jonesy is sleeping between my legs as I'm laying on my stomach typing this. I love him so much.
I called him out on it. Instead, of course, of admitting he was doing it or telling me what he really thought or anything, you know, honest he started lying and lying and lying to me.
I mean, really obviously contradicting statements over and over, back to back.
For 20-30 minutes this went on as I tried to get him to admit ANYTHING honest. Whether I liked the truth or not. I've made it clear repeatedly and during this conversation that he would be better off telling me something I hated to hear than to keep obviously lying his ass off.
And it's 100% true. It would have been so much better for both of us if he just had replied honestly at the start... or even just earlier in the interrogation. I can handle hearing something that pisses me off but is true from him. That won't get him punished. That we can work out amicably because I am not someone that needs a partner to agree with me all the time. And all of that is something he should know about me by now and that I have straight-out told him as a reminder this past week and a half.
But he lies and lies because that's what he does. To me, to everyone. Over everything, all the time.
How many lies I catch him in a day -to me or to others- just varies by how much time we spend talking.
Dammit, and I just realized that he *did* manage to get me off the original uncomfortable (but not ugly or anything) topic it started with.
urgghghghghghghghghg
So yeah, punishment.
I hate punishment. I can't see me putting up with it for much longer as I just find it unpleasant to deal with. I feel bad for it. Like I said, I'm sure there's some karmic balancing for me in it.
Not that all will be peachy and he'll be let off the hook, I mean I'll just say "fuck it, nevermind, I'm not even bothering with this with you".
Friday is payday and starting things with the lawyer, officially. I gotta talk more with him about the details on Chael getting medically retired. It may come back to contractual alimony.
Unless things unexpectedly take a turn for the ugly, things should be pretty smooth splitting up belongings and money and stuff. We each have long had an understanding on our personal items and specific things in the house (for example, the couch is mine as I entirely paid for it. The wine fridges are mine and while he likes us having them, he doesn't want or need them after the divorce. Our cars are our own. The house he bought is entirely his. Etc.). I'm not going to separate out our joint Wells Fargo account until it's closer to the divorce finishing as we're living together and we need that arrangement to pay the rent and such smoothly.
I'm back to logging on MyFitnessPal each day. Just started yesterday again. And yeah, my body is back to losing weight after a long plateau. Like I've said elsewhere and earlier, if this is where my body decides to stay I'm a-ok. I'm really happy with the results of the bypass and all the working out and stuff. I'm so much healthier now, I hurt so much less. But it just never ceases to amaze me that people repeat and repeat and repeat the calories-in/calories-out thing and I spent about 12-13yrs at different levels of calorie deficits while working with doctors and trainers and gained 180 pounds during it... then can still work out for months, after a gastric bypass, at a deficit and sit at the same weight and measurements.
But whatever, plateau finally seems broken, my tummy is all healed (the weird thing that incision was doing has stopped again and it looks all happy and now does that healing-itchy thing, so I'm feeling pretty good about it), and it's back to the gym! Wheeeee!
I'm not re-starting Grit, though, until I've been doing regular classes for at least a month, though. Grit is horrible and good for me, but it's so intense I really can't do it after taking a month off. I need to build back up to that.
I'm wandering.
Delta House and general internet silliness has been keeping me distracted most of the time now. I really am getting little done in the real-world this past week. Oh boy have my daily priorities shifted... It's mostly about finding things to make me giggle around here now.
Drinking some happy tea.
Oh, and Chael totally almost got punched in the face earlier today - not the whole thing mentioned above. Earlier in the day I was on YouTube and there was a video that involved same-sex marriage... at the point of proposal I cried and had this intense urge. I didn't, cuz that's not what I'm like, but the desire was there. As is my usual way, I calmed down and moved on.
Jonesy is sleeping between my legs as I'm laying on my stomach typing this. I love him so much.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Public Control and CatDom
He's lucky he said that to me in public.
No, not lucky. Intentional. He knows that the likelyhood of me flipping my shit in public is almost nil. In the 16+ years we've known each other it's happened once and that was due to a health issue involved that pushed me over the edge.
And that was about 14 or so years ago.
Oh, I disagree with people, I sometimes but rarely get angry with people; but I keep control and deal with it in publicly acceptable tones.
He knows this, he used this.
We went to sushi (yes, we went out to eat together, we're being as polite and amicable as I'm capable of right now) at a place where they know us from our going for the past 2 years now and then... so not only is it in public, but there are people who know me there.
We order, the owner/waitress walks away... and he looks directly across at me and asks, "are you taking me to New York with you?".
I had a split-second of shock, then the disgust and anger started to build. I ratcheted down the control on myself. I knew he was doing this at that moment because he knew he was safe from my harsher responses in public, he knows what I told him less than a week ago about whether or not he's coming to NYC with me or not, he and I both know that in asking that and in that tone that he's trying to push and manipulate me into making a soft-hearted decision right then on having him come with me.
I breathed. I fisted my hands and relaxed them repeatedly. I kept my face from looking beyond regular-angry-person.
When ready, I made sure he knew that he wasn't fucking with me. I in a controlled but good-thing-we're-in-public level of anger reminded him of what I told him were my terms less than a week ago, told him frankly and simply how I felt about where the responsibility in all this laid, made it clear that I knew he was using the safety of being public and trying to manipulate me. I stayed firm and strong and my boundaries in place and through contained aggression made him admit what he was trying to pull.
That was handled.
He asked another question I felt we had settled. I reassured him that it was very settled.
We moved on and my anger and my body tension went down a good bit.
Then we stopped over to Walmart to buy a new semi-cheap printer as ours died a while back and I was sick of going to the library to print things the past 2 weeks, plus I needed a new heart rate and calories exercise monitor.
This was our first time out doing this there since the Big Reveal last week. We usually step out of the car/truck, start walking towards the store where we meet up side by side and one of us reaches for the other one's hand when we get even to each other or a little before. This, of course, didn't happen this time.
Then, I have a long habit in such stores, and especially at this one as we've been living here for a couple years, of walking a bit behind him as he pushes the cart and watching his feet in his unlaced boots and his calves in his jeans as he walks and thinking how much I love how much bigger than me he is. Feeling how that used to be so familiar and so happy for me every time...
...I burst out crying in the kitchen utensils aisle.
Chael noticed and stopped and said some things that I don't believe he means.
I pulled myself together and we went on shopping. It wasn't a long outburst and not a lot of people around or anything... it was in a, thankfully, dead area. But oh god.
Anger, kept in check, didn't kill or rave in public.
But apparently bawling in the utensil aisle is on table.
rolls eyes
Anyhoo, we got the new monitor thingy and a printer, checked out. On the ride out he asked if I wanted to do a drive-by on the big new HEB they are opening on the 1st right near Walmart, I said sure. We cruised by and it looks pretty bad-ass.
Made our way home.
We had another exchange where I kept myself in check but my blood pressure built. Nothing like the other night. No, no, no. But enough that I got a bit light-headed.
No lying I could catch him in. He said things I know he's lied about in the past and I don't believe are true now... but I can't prove they are lies. So I had to leave it at "I'm not believing a word, it's going to be ugly if/when I catch you in this, but I'm dropping it for now" status.
Again, moved on with our day.
I set up the new printer with a little of his help. He's bumming around the house out there while I'm here in my room doing my own thing.
Happy to have a functional printer again. On doing our storage space the other night I found a big bunch of my doodles and stuff from over the years so I'm going to be scanning them a bit at a time to add to my art blog. I'd thought I had lost all that and was pleased to have recovered it. Oh, that may not make a lot of sense together... the printer is also a scanner. The old one was, too, but the printer part didn't work anymore. I need the printer part for other things. Ironically, the Social Security site doesn't work on the library's computer-printer system. To get my proof of income letter and request form for a new card I have to do it elsewhere. So, among other uses, home printer again.
I think I've discovered another way Jonesy has trained me to pet him on command. I've randomly wondered about it on and off for years, but he's done it a few times this week - the past three days, in fact.
Now, he's always done the direct thing like nudges and such. He also will walk up to you and start purring in advance to let you know he wants petted. Okay, clear communication there, fair enough.
What have I put together as training?
Jonesy has a thing about eating plastic. I have been dealing with this issue for his entire life. Another 15 year thing. He had to have surgery to get string and plastic out of his bowels once because they got twisted up from them and almost died. I have tried the basic things that make sense like not having random plastic stuff easily in reach... like when coming in from the grocery I don't set bag on the floor to unload them (because I *have* looked down at a sound and seen him chewing on one as I'm putting the groceries away). We no longer line our bathroom trash can with plastic bags because he will eat them.
Things like that.
Then, as he was getting into cupboards to eat the plastic off things like the toiletpaper roll bundle I put child safety locks on all the lower cupboards.
This kept me out, didn't keep him out. I couldn't get into the bathroom sink cupboard for the 3 or so months we had them on there without help. I finally just took them off because I was sitting peeing one day, Jonesy walks in and in front of me pops the door I can't get open, open... and starts eating the towelpaper bundle.
So, it's been on for years.
With this kind of back story in place, I've become immediately and intensely aware of the Jonesy's-chewing-plastic sound over the years.
Back to how he's trained me and how I caught it this morning in particular...
...he tries to get me up when I'm sleeping to pet him quite often. He does it a LOT in the mornings. He's been doing it a SUPER LOT this week.
The pattern: Jonesy pushes, nudges, grabs, and purrs at me to get me to wake up and pet him a bit. I do, then start ignoring him and fall back asleep. This happens again. And again. Until I just ignore him and start rolling away from him.
Then I hear him chewing on plastic and immediately come awake and yell at/for him to make him stop.
He comes running, jumps on the bed, and I pet him a bit. Then I go back to sleep.
Then I hear him chewing on plastic and immediately come awake and yell at/for him to make him stop.
He comes running, jumps on the bed, and I pet him a bit. Then I go back to sleep.
This happened 6 times this morning until I gave up and got up.
And I went, "huh. hmmmmmm".
Where is the plastic in this case? I bought some odds and ends socks and whatnots a bit ago and instead of putting them all away as I should, this week I've been totally not productive basically as I'm just... well... let's say not giving a fuck due to other life matters. Clothing organization is far down the list of caring at the moment. So, the shopping bag is hanging from my closet door by its handle.
I know Jonesy can reach it. That's 100% me being a bad owner and I fixed it.
But yeah. Jonesy has been using my yelling at him to stop doing something that harms him to trick me into petting him more in the morning.
He is so in control of this house.
Jonesy has me trained. He definitely has Chael trained, as I've talked about in the past.... oh, and as that started out with one of these a day: soft food, catnip, brooming, or snacky-snacks, is now all of those each day plus extras of some of them. On his demand. From Chael.
And this week, from me to.
He looks and acts and seems like this skittish, somewhat needy, absolute sweetheart of a cat but he's totally bending us to his will.
lol.
Well, Chael informs me there's a Frasier marathon on the TV. It's one of the few sitcom sort of TV shows I like, it's a favorite and I need regular funnies this week (was giggling my ass off to Delta Chat today, thanks Dixie for being a great target for all). I'm going to go watch it for a while til I start getting sleepy.
No, not lucky. Intentional. He knows that the likelyhood of me flipping my shit in public is almost nil. In the 16+ years we've known each other it's happened once and that was due to a health issue involved that pushed me over the edge.
And that was about 14 or so years ago.
Oh, I disagree with people, I sometimes but rarely get angry with people; but I keep control and deal with it in publicly acceptable tones.
He knows this, he used this.
We went to sushi (yes, we went out to eat together, we're being as polite and amicable as I'm capable of right now) at a place where they know us from our going for the past 2 years now and then... so not only is it in public, but there are people who know me there.
We order, the owner/waitress walks away... and he looks directly across at me and asks, "are you taking me to New York with you?".
I had a split-second of shock, then the disgust and anger started to build. I ratcheted down the control on myself. I knew he was doing this at that moment because he knew he was safe from my harsher responses in public, he knows what I told him less than a week ago about whether or not he's coming to NYC with me or not, he and I both know that in asking that and in that tone that he's trying to push and manipulate me into making a soft-hearted decision right then on having him come with me.
I breathed. I fisted my hands and relaxed them repeatedly. I kept my face from looking beyond regular-angry-person.
When ready, I made sure he knew that he wasn't fucking with me. I in a controlled but good-thing-we're-in-public level of anger reminded him of what I told him were my terms less than a week ago, told him frankly and simply how I felt about where the responsibility in all this laid, made it clear that I knew he was using the safety of being public and trying to manipulate me. I stayed firm and strong and my boundaries in place and through contained aggression made him admit what he was trying to pull.
That was handled.
He asked another question I felt we had settled. I reassured him that it was very settled.
We moved on and my anger and my body tension went down a good bit.
Then we stopped over to Walmart to buy a new semi-cheap printer as ours died a while back and I was sick of going to the library to print things the past 2 weeks, plus I needed a new heart rate and calories exercise monitor.
This was our first time out doing this there since the Big Reveal last week. We usually step out of the car/truck, start walking towards the store where we meet up side by side and one of us reaches for the other one's hand when we get even to each other or a little before. This, of course, didn't happen this time.
Then, I have a long habit in such stores, and especially at this one as we've been living here for a couple years, of walking a bit behind him as he pushes the cart and watching his feet in his unlaced boots and his calves in his jeans as he walks and thinking how much I love how much bigger than me he is. Feeling how that used to be so familiar and so happy for me every time...
...I burst out crying in the kitchen utensils aisle.
Chael noticed and stopped and said some things that I don't believe he means.
I pulled myself together and we went on shopping. It wasn't a long outburst and not a lot of people around or anything... it was in a, thankfully, dead area. But oh god.
Anger, kept in check, didn't kill or rave in public.
But apparently bawling in the utensil aisle is on table.
rolls eyes
Anyhoo, we got the new monitor thingy and a printer, checked out. On the ride out he asked if I wanted to do a drive-by on the big new HEB they are opening on the 1st right near Walmart, I said sure. We cruised by and it looks pretty bad-ass.
Made our way home.
We had another exchange where I kept myself in check but my blood pressure built. Nothing like the other night. No, no, no. But enough that I got a bit light-headed.
No lying I could catch him in. He said things I know he's lied about in the past and I don't believe are true now... but I can't prove they are lies. So I had to leave it at "I'm not believing a word, it's going to be ugly if/when I catch you in this, but I'm dropping it for now" status.
Again, moved on with our day.
I set up the new printer with a little of his help. He's bumming around the house out there while I'm here in my room doing my own thing.
Happy to have a functional printer again. On doing our storage space the other night I found a big bunch of my doodles and stuff from over the years so I'm going to be scanning them a bit at a time to add to my art blog. I'd thought I had lost all that and was pleased to have recovered it. Oh, that may not make a lot of sense together... the printer is also a scanner. The old one was, too, but the printer part didn't work anymore. I need the printer part for other things. Ironically, the Social Security site doesn't work on the library's computer-printer system. To get my proof of income letter and request form for a new card I have to do it elsewhere. So, among other uses, home printer again.
I think I've discovered another way Jonesy has trained me to pet him on command. I've randomly wondered about it on and off for years, but he's done it a few times this week - the past three days, in fact.
Now, he's always done the direct thing like nudges and such. He also will walk up to you and start purring in advance to let you know he wants petted. Okay, clear communication there, fair enough.
What have I put together as training?
Jonesy has a thing about eating plastic. I have been dealing with this issue for his entire life. Another 15 year thing. He had to have surgery to get string and plastic out of his bowels once because they got twisted up from them and almost died. I have tried the basic things that make sense like not having random plastic stuff easily in reach... like when coming in from the grocery I don't set bag on the floor to unload them (because I *have* looked down at a sound and seen him chewing on one as I'm putting the groceries away). We no longer line our bathroom trash can with plastic bags because he will eat them.
Things like that.
Then, as he was getting into cupboards to eat the plastic off things like the toiletpaper roll bundle I put child safety locks on all the lower cupboards.
This kept me out, didn't keep him out. I couldn't get into the bathroom sink cupboard for the 3 or so months we had them on there without help. I finally just took them off because I was sitting peeing one day, Jonesy walks in and in front of me pops the door I can't get open, open... and starts eating the towelpaper bundle.
So, it's been on for years.
With this kind of back story in place, I've become immediately and intensely aware of the Jonesy's-chewing-plastic sound over the years.
Back to how he's trained me and how I caught it this morning in particular...
...he tries to get me up when I'm sleeping to pet him quite often. He does it a LOT in the mornings. He's been doing it a SUPER LOT this week.
The pattern: Jonesy pushes, nudges, grabs, and purrs at me to get me to wake up and pet him a bit. I do, then start ignoring him and fall back asleep. This happens again. And again. Until I just ignore him and start rolling away from him.
Then I hear him chewing on plastic and immediately come awake and yell at/for him to make him stop.
He comes running, jumps on the bed, and I pet him a bit. Then I go back to sleep.
Then I hear him chewing on plastic and immediately come awake and yell at/for him to make him stop.
He comes running, jumps on the bed, and I pet him a bit. Then I go back to sleep.
This happened 6 times this morning until I gave up and got up.
And I went, "huh. hmmmmmm".
Where is the plastic in this case? I bought some odds and ends socks and whatnots a bit ago and instead of putting them all away as I should, this week I've been totally not productive basically as I'm just... well... let's say not giving a fuck due to other life matters. Clothing organization is far down the list of caring at the moment. So, the shopping bag is hanging from my closet door by its handle.
I know Jonesy can reach it. That's 100% me being a bad owner and I fixed it.
But yeah. Jonesy has been using my yelling at him to stop doing something that harms him to trick me into petting him more in the morning.
He is so in control of this house.
Jonesy has me trained. He definitely has Chael trained, as I've talked about in the past.... oh, and as that started out with one of these a day: soft food, catnip, brooming, or snacky-snacks, is now all of those each day plus extras of some of them. On his demand. From Chael.
And this week, from me to.
He looks and acts and seems like this skittish, somewhat needy, absolute sweetheart of a cat but he's totally bending us to his will.
lol.
Well, Chael informs me there's a Frasier marathon on the TV. It's one of the few sitcom sort of TV shows I like, it's a favorite and I need regular funnies this week (was giggling my ass off to Delta Chat today, thanks Dixie for being a great target for all). I'm going to go watch it for a while til I start getting sleepy.
Fetlife Random Trigger
Sigh.
So, when I've been on Fetlife the past week I've been avoiding reading or talking in threads that upset me (due to our problem and upcoming divorce). Logical, right? Sure.
Then yesterday there was a thread asking what your favorite meal was.
I laid here and thought about it, in front of my laptop, running through different stuff in memory and testing their tastes in my mouth to see what I liked best. To include years of stuff Chael has made me. I was doing fine thinking about the taste of foods.
This wasn't finding me my favorite, so I started searching around in general in my brain.
And it came to me what my favorite meal is: our Fall Anniversary set meal every year of (fake) duck with orange sauce, broccoli, and rice pilaf by candlelight. I love the taste of duck in orange sauce, it's something Chael introduced to me to start this anniversary celebration all those years ago... and I always loved so much that anniversary. That we had one for the day we met and became friends, that that was Chael's idea, that it was a bigger deal than our wedding anniversary because everything was based on that friendship that began and how after 16 years we are still best friends under it all. How romantic the last one was, talking about general things and specifically having a serious but sweet discussion of things we like about us and things we'd like to do better on this coming year.
This came to mind and I fell apart.
Just typing this now is hard but I'm keeping it together.
Endless lying since before we married. Since back when we were still beginning our friendship. How it turns out he's never been who I thought he was.
Had to take a break there and read online and chat with Delta as I did crack for a bit. I'm back together now.
I haven't talked personally with people really... I've made some posts some places that do talk about it, but I haven't chatted one-on-one with anybody as I've not been ready to handle the actual emotions around anyone yet. I don't tend to function and deal with things like that.... or like to show that side of me in most cases. I think I've reached where I'll talk to some Delta members about it now, though. Not everything, as said a few times before I think at least some things should always be kept behind Relationship Privacy boundaries... but at least about some of what I'm dealing with here and how I feel about it. Rather than my report-the-facts method I've been doing everywhere (and is my main way of dealing with unhappy things in life... except with Chael... so yeah).
Okay, yeah, another break had to be taken. Phwooo. I think it's gonna be "one of those days" as they put it.
As I've mentioned to folks last night, I've found out something excellent about NYC apartments that had been worrying me the past few months I've been doing move planning: I've been concerned about the size of these apartments listed. Then I was thinking about it when chatting with Delta and the size of my favorite barracks room came to mind and I tried to estimate its size... got a rough idea by comparing it to multiples of my public storage. Realized that I seem to be miss-imagining the size of the listed apartments.
So I went into the livingroom and asked Chael if we had a proper carpenter's style tape measure (I did not want to have to do this with the cloth one I use to measure me lol). Sure enough, he busted one out for me, I handed him the end and told him to "hold it against that wall". Measured the livingroom one way, switched sidewards and measured it that way... huh! Then I had us do the same with our kitchen and added them together.
250sq ft. Our bathroom measures about 36sq ft if the floorplans for it online are right (I didn't bother to actually measure it this time). So total that to 286sq ft. That's bigger and better equipped (a bonus of bathtub and full kitchen compared to only shower and making ramen in a coffee maker due to not being allowed even a hotplate) than my favorite barracks room.
300sq ft is fucking a luxurious amount of space just for me. Then add that the apartments in NYC that I've looked at in the past few months of my price range have tended to start at 500? That a little more than half again of the size space I can be comfy in!
Holy crap. Like I said in chat, I'll be living like a god in that much space! That's this apartment minus Chael's bedroom! And I really don't use our livingroom for anything other than walking through when I enter the house! I might sit on my couch to watch a tv show or movie once a week normally...
If I allow Chael to follow me to NYC after the divorce I'll try to make sure to have a 1 bedroom so I have my space away from him that is mine, mine, mine. If I don't let him, I could get a sweet studio and be happy.
Options.
So all this "Oh man... tiiinnnyyy" actual should have been "goddam that's big!" the whole time I've been looking.
In the middle of awful life does bring yays.
Meanwhile, I'm sure I'm wracking up horrible, horrible karma for Chael's punishments. Because I'm not sure how they count, karmically... BDSM play of any type I don't consider bad for universal balancing as even the mean stuff is consensual and everyone is - in some way, shape or form, somehow - enjoying the play or relationship structure.
I'm not so sure how these punishments add up or not. Because they *are* consensual... we did have a - very short - discussion on them starting to occur where he agreed... but I've got to be in some level of trouble for hitting someone in a way other than even-though-it-sucks-now-I-like-it-in-my-relationships or I-really-find-this-fun.
So, when I've been on Fetlife the past week I've been avoiding reading or talking in threads that upset me (due to our problem and upcoming divorce). Logical, right? Sure.
Then yesterday there was a thread asking what your favorite meal was.
I laid here and thought about it, in front of my laptop, running through different stuff in memory and testing their tastes in my mouth to see what I liked best. To include years of stuff Chael has made me. I was doing fine thinking about the taste of foods.
This wasn't finding me my favorite, so I started searching around in general in my brain.
And it came to me what my favorite meal is: our Fall Anniversary set meal every year of (fake) duck with orange sauce, broccoli, and rice pilaf by candlelight. I love the taste of duck in orange sauce, it's something Chael introduced to me to start this anniversary celebration all those years ago... and I always loved so much that anniversary. That we had one for the day we met and became friends, that that was Chael's idea, that it was a bigger deal than our wedding anniversary because everything was based on that friendship that began and how after 16 years we are still best friends under it all. How romantic the last one was, talking about general things and specifically having a serious but sweet discussion of things we like about us and things we'd like to do better on this coming year.
This came to mind and I fell apart.
Just typing this now is hard but I'm keeping it together.
Endless lying since before we married. Since back when we were still beginning our friendship. How it turns out he's never been who I thought he was.
Had to take a break there and read online and chat with Delta as I did crack for a bit. I'm back together now.
I haven't talked personally with people really... I've made some posts some places that do talk about it, but I haven't chatted one-on-one with anybody as I've not been ready to handle the actual emotions around anyone yet. I don't tend to function and deal with things like that.... or like to show that side of me in most cases. I think I've reached where I'll talk to some Delta members about it now, though. Not everything, as said a few times before I think at least some things should always be kept behind Relationship Privacy boundaries... but at least about some of what I'm dealing with here and how I feel about it. Rather than my report-the-facts method I've been doing everywhere (and is my main way of dealing with unhappy things in life... except with Chael... so yeah).
Okay, yeah, another break had to be taken. Phwooo. I think it's gonna be "one of those days" as they put it.
As I've mentioned to folks last night, I've found out something excellent about NYC apartments that had been worrying me the past few months I've been doing move planning: I've been concerned about the size of these apartments listed. Then I was thinking about it when chatting with Delta and the size of my favorite barracks room came to mind and I tried to estimate its size... got a rough idea by comparing it to multiples of my public storage. Realized that I seem to be miss-imagining the size of the listed apartments.
So I went into the livingroom and asked Chael if we had a proper carpenter's style tape measure (I did not want to have to do this with the cloth one I use to measure me lol). Sure enough, he busted one out for me, I handed him the end and told him to "hold it against that wall". Measured the livingroom one way, switched sidewards and measured it that way... huh! Then I had us do the same with our kitchen and added them together.
250sq ft. Our bathroom measures about 36sq ft if the floorplans for it online are right (I didn't bother to actually measure it this time). So total that to 286sq ft. That's bigger and better equipped (a bonus of bathtub and full kitchen compared to only shower and making ramen in a coffee maker due to not being allowed even a hotplate) than my favorite barracks room.
300sq ft is fucking a luxurious amount of space just for me. Then add that the apartments in NYC that I've looked at in the past few months of my price range have tended to start at 500? That a little more than half again of the size space I can be comfy in!
Holy crap. Like I said in chat, I'll be living like a god in that much space! That's this apartment minus Chael's bedroom! And I really don't use our livingroom for anything other than walking through when I enter the house! I might sit on my couch to watch a tv show or movie once a week normally...
If I allow Chael to follow me to NYC after the divorce I'll try to make sure to have a 1 bedroom so I have my space away from him that is mine, mine, mine. If I don't let him, I could get a sweet studio and be happy.
Options.
So all this "Oh man... tiiinnnyyy" actual should have been "goddam that's big!" the whole time I've been looking.
In the middle of awful life does bring yays.
Meanwhile, I'm sure I'm wracking up horrible, horrible karma for Chael's punishments. Because I'm not sure how they count, karmically... BDSM play of any type I don't consider bad for universal balancing as even the mean stuff is consensual and everyone is - in some way, shape or form, somehow - enjoying the play or relationship structure.
I'm not so sure how these punishments add up or not. Because they *are* consensual... we did have a - very short - discussion on them starting to occur where he agreed... but I've got to be in some level of trouble for hitting someone in a way other than even-though-it-sucks-now-I-like-it-in-my-relationships or I-really-find-this-fun.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Oh No He Didn't...
I could give a general summary of bumming around getting some things done today that needed done, but I'll just put this:
At Thai food motherfucker let out that he felt I'd been "irritable" the past 3 weeks.
At Thai food motherfucker let out that he felt I'd been "irritable" the past 3 weeks.
Another Lawyer
So, I saw the 4pm lawyer.
What an amazing fucking difference.
This was not a "this is how much you'll pay me, I'll be vague about your retirement situation when you ask, fill out the huge packet of paperwork on your own" visit.
He talked to me. He asked me a bunch of what I felt were good questions about the situation, to include ones that were uncomfortable for me. He knew what I was talking about regarding military retirement, medical retirement, disability, and concurrent pay situations. He described clearly the different forms of divorce that were options here in Texas. He described how the process of the divorce system here works, what order things are done in, the normal realistic waiting time on papers, even the different styles and wait-times on the two court houses in this county, how to deal with the house being in a different state when we assign it to Chael, how property is split up usually if we don't lay out an agreed plan, and when I described our agreed plan he expressed that it would be doable.
He was just a whole lot of understandable questions, tons of info, he kept asking again and again if I had any more questions or if anything was unclear, etc.
He's going to cost me 3X as much as the other guy, but honestly he strikes me as 100% worth it. He comes across as being very knowledgeable and honestly wanting to make this clear on how it works and to make it as smooth as possible.
I've thought of more questions for him, I told him I can pay the retainer on my next paycheck and get started. He wasn't pushy feeling like the other guy; this lawyer expressed that whenever, if ever, I was ready to start emotionally and financially that I could come back and get things rolling.
On the first when my VA money hits I'll be going back there.
Where I came out of the first lawyer's worked up and overwhelmed, I came out of this one actually feeling relieved. Lost of paperwork still in my future and lots of stress with the process still, but what I feel are normal amounts for this situation.
Still vacillating between anger, crying, and trying to keep myself focused most of the time on other things to distract me.
Still working on move details. Thankfully, the math isn't really that much different now that I need to make sure everything will work out fine under just my own income.
I apologize for the self-pity funk I was in at the end of yesterday's blog. I'm not usually one for that kind of thing... but yeah, one week of such hugeness has been circuit-overload and so I get like that sometimes.
Some sweethearts saw me here and on other places stressing and moping yesterday and have contacted me as more support. Thank you so much. I haven't been one to speak the really private details or one-on-one much with anyone at this point, but the support from others has really helped more than I can really say. I do better stating stuff around in a matter-of-fact style rather than talking directly to people so far in an emotional style. I don't know if/when I'll be up for more personal talks, but it's been so emotionally strengthening that there have been folks that have expressed being there for me and caring about what I'm going through.
Really, do please forgive my whining and thank you.
D&D last night was a moderate success. Hard on the Chael side, of course, but good on the friendly evening with other players side. The wife involved did play and I really like her style now that she seems to be liking it more and getting the hang of it. She's fun inside the game and outside of game I like chatting with her. She's a medical sort and expanding her work into the first fighting area of that and it's quite neat to hear about her schooling days and to talk medical stuff with her. As others out there know, it's an area I'm familiar with to a small extent from family members who are in such careers and due to my own morbid fascination with such things... pass out at the site of certain bloody things or descriptions, can't handle anything to do with veins, but love medical stuff in-scene, body mods, and bloodplay.
So yeah, her job and training are quite nifty to learn about and she's very nice and cool to hang with.
Oh, and for any wondering: I get Jonesy in the divorce. It's been understood and sometimes outright stated over the years that he's my cat. Chael still holds to that and so far doesn't act like he'll try to mess with me on it. Motherfucker changes on that and I'll shank him.
In his sleep.
Okay, not really, but no matter what Jonesy is my kitty and staying with me forever.
Here's a funny I think I've mentioned before: On doing up that paperwork a bit that the first lawyer handed me, I realized again that the highest valued thing inside our house is my plug collection.
Rumpus has bought a lot of earrings over the past couple years. As I posted pictures earlier, BodyArtForms.com sent me a gift package this year lol.
Still not sure what to do about my bed. I hate to part with it but the NYC apartment is gonna be really tiny and I need to max out the room in it as best I can. It's gonna go, in reality. I'm just dragging my feet on it.
Storage facility is another issue, but I don't think that bad of one. Most of it at this point is Chael's anyways, since we got rid of the books (except absolute favorites or things not replaceable). I've got my painting, my medical play stuff (like backboards, restraints, etc), my suspension rack, and a small box of coin collection. I can't think of anything else I couldn't technically part with.
The little tiny hole in my biggest incision has appeared again and I get a little icky stuff coming out of it from time to time... I didn't mention this at the doc's as it had healed up and seemed all happy and stuff again. Now the little hole is back and it's odd acting once more. Monday I call Scott & White again and go get my belly checked.
Yeah, odds and ends and planning and new version of daily life.
What an amazing fucking difference.
This was not a "this is how much you'll pay me, I'll be vague about your retirement situation when you ask, fill out the huge packet of paperwork on your own" visit.
He talked to me. He asked me a bunch of what I felt were good questions about the situation, to include ones that were uncomfortable for me. He knew what I was talking about regarding military retirement, medical retirement, disability, and concurrent pay situations. He described clearly the different forms of divorce that were options here in Texas. He described how the process of the divorce system here works, what order things are done in, the normal realistic waiting time on papers, even the different styles and wait-times on the two court houses in this county, how to deal with the house being in a different state when we assign it to Chael, how property is split up usually if we don't lay out an agreed plan, and when I described our agreed plan he expressed that it would be doable.
He was just a whole lot of understandable questions, tons of info, he kept asking again and again if I had any more questions or if anything was unclear, etc.
He's going to cost me 3X as much as the other guy, but honestly he strikes me as 100% worth it. He comes across as being very knowledgeable and honestly wanting to make this clear on how it works and to make it as smooth as possible.
I've thought of more questions for him, I told him I can pay the retainer on my next paycheck and get started. He wasn't pushy feeling like the other guy; this lawyer expressed that whenever, if ever, I was ready to start emotionally and financially that I could come back and get things rolling.
On the first when my VA money hits I'll be going back there.
Where I came out of the first lawyer's worked up and overwhelmed, I came out of this one actually feeling relieved. Lost of paperwork still in my future and lots of stress with the process still, but what I feel are normal amounts for this situation.
Still vacillating between anger, crying, and trying to keep myself focused most of the time on other things to distract me.
Still working on move details. Thankfully, the math isn't really that much different now that I need to make sure everything will work out fine under just my own income.
I apologize for the self-pity funk I was in at the end of yesterday's blog. I'm not usually one for that kind of thing... but yeah, one week of such hugeness has been circuit-overload and so I get like that sometimes.
Some sweethearts saw me here and on other places stressing and moping yesterday and have contacted me as more support. Thank you so much. I haven't been one to speak the really private details or one-on-one much with anyone at this point, but the support from others has really helped more than I can really say. I do better stating stuff around in a matter-of-fact style rather than talking directly to people so far in an emotional style. I don't know if/when I'll be up for more personal talks, but it's been so emotionally strengthening that there have been folks that have expressed being there for me and caring about what I'm going through.
Really, do please forgive my whining and thank you.
D&D last night was a moderate success. Hard on the Chael side, of course, but good on the friendly evening with other players side. The wife involved did play and I really like her style now that she seems to be liking it more and getting the hang of it. She's fun inside the game and outside of game I like chatting with her. She's a medical sort and expanding her work into the first fighting area of that and it's quite neat to hear about her schooling days and to talk medical stuff with her. As others out there know, it's an area I'm familiar with to a small extent from family members who are in such careers and due to my own morbid fascination with such things... pass out at the site of certain bloody things or descriptions, can't handle anything to do with veins, but love medical stuff in-scene, body mods, and bloodplay.
So yeah, her job and training are quite nifty to learn about and she's very nice and cool to hang with.
Oh, and for any wondering: I get Jonesy in the divorce. It's been understood and sometimes outright stated over the years that he's my cat. Chael still holds to that and so far doesn't act like he'll try to mess with me on it. Motherfucker changes on that and I'll shank him.
In his sleep.
Okay, not really, but no matter what Jonesy is my kitty and staying with me forever.
Here's a funny I think I've mentioned before: On doing up that paperwork a bit that the first lawyer handed me, I realized again that the highest valued thing inside our house is my plug collection.
Rumpus has bought a lot of earrings over the past couple years. As I posted pictures earlier, BodyArtForms.com sent me a gift package this year lol.
Still not sure what to do about my bed. I hate to part with it but the NYC apartment is gonna be really tiny and I need to max out the room in it as best I can. It's gonna go, in reality. I'm just dragging my feet on it.
Storage facility is another issue, but I don't think that bad of one. Most of it at this point is Chael's anyways, since we got rid of the books (except absolute favorites or things not replaceable). I've got my painting, my medical play stuff (like backboards, restraints, etc), my suspension rack, and a small box of coin collection. I can't think of anything else I couldn't technically part with.
The little tiny hole in my biggest incision has appeared again and I get a little icky stuff coming out of it from time to time... I didn't mention this at the doc's as it had healed up and seemed all happy and stuff again. Now the little hole is back and it's odd acting once more. Monday I call Scott & White again and go get my belly checked.
Yeah, odds and ends and planning and new version of daily life.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Holy Shit Divorce Paperwork
O.m.g.
I went to the first lawyer of the day (going to another for a 4pm appointment) and talked to him... he gave me this packet to fill out and bring back if I decide to use him for the divorce.
It's like 1/4" thick and they want details on every tiny little thing...
All our account details, joint and separate
All my credit card info (he has none)
All the details on his house (which is only in his name and I want nothing to do with)
All the details of our vehicles (which are each in our separate names and neither of us want the other's)
All of our stocks and such (which he owns a whopping 3 I think, I have no clue. I have none.)
All of the places I've lived in 5 years, when and where (How the fuck am I supposed to remember that?)
Everywhere either of us have ever gone to school and what degrees/certificates we have (Really, why?)
What physical disabilities either of us have, any mental health care we are getting and for what and how long, what meds we're on for anything.
If we consider ourselves incompatible (WTF? Does this really need to be asked?)
And lots else, except no mention of what to do with pets.
Now, I can fully appreciate these things being needed in the case of a contested divorce where there are disagreements on who is getting what, how to divide up money, etc.
But, unless something radically changes, this is a non-contested divorce. We are expected to decide and agree on who gets what. Why do they need to know where I've lived in the past 5 years for us to decide I'm keeping my car, for example?
Nightmare. Absolute nightmare.
Oh, and since he's probably being medically retired instead of normal retired I won't be eligible for any part of his retirement pay as it may all be considered VA Disability and I can't touch his disability payments of any type. I *might* be able to due to the new Concurrent laws where if he is medically retired he will get *both* his normal retirement pay *and* VA Disability. Then I get a portion of his retirement like normal and he gets the rest plus his disability check.
The lawyer this morning when I asked about issues with medical retirement didn't seem to know anything about this... when I asked about it he mentioned nothing regarding Concurrency and just said that if he's getting disability I get nothing. Well, I know I can't get any of his disability... what about the other factors??
So, I'll press the 4pm lawyer a bit on that point and see if he knows his stuff.
I'm not aiming to bankrupt Chael or anything. If I wanted to it looks like I could simultaneously take up to half of his retirement pay PLUS 5 years of alimony. Not going to do that to him.
Maybe it sounds mean that I want some financial things at the end of this, but I'm okay with that. You out there don't know what I now know about things. As much as I do put out here and other places I am still keeping things inside the walls of Relationship Privacy.
We'll just see how things go with this next lawyer and maybe a couple others after this. The last guy was kinda "this is how much you'll pay me, here's some paperwork".
On other things, we're playing D&D tonight with Chael's co-workers/friends from work. *ugh* Unfortunate but kinda funny in a dark way, one of the guys and his wife are arguing so she may not play. Last week we scheduled because I was such a mess I couldn't handle being social... this week I'm going because I've reached a point of mad, sad, and fuck-it that I'm going to go play and try to have fun because I'm past letting Chael stuff ruin my opportunities for a potential social good time.
Oh, I know I'll still feel the same toward him the whole time and have to hide my level of pissed and sad, but hopefully there will also be a bunch of joking and shit-talking with the other folks.
I hope the wife plays, she's nice and can be fun in-game.
I'm not telling my mom about any of this until the divorce is final... at soonest. I don't need her all up in my business or calling to check on me or such.
I do need more support from others. Five folks have sent hugs and good wishes and support. I really appreciate you guys if you read this. But for all my blogging, posting places, talking about it... I feel like most people don't really care much.
Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. This is just so big.
I went to the first lawyer of the day (going to another for a 4pm appointment) and talked to him... he gave me this packet to fill out and bring back if I decide to use him for the divorce.
It's like 1/4" thick and they want details on every tiny little thing...
All our account details, joint and separate
All my credit card info (he has none)
All the details on his house (which is only in his name and I want nothing to do with)
All the details of our vehicles (which are each in our separate names and neither of us want the other's)
All of our stocks and such (which he owns a whopping 3 I think, I have no clue. I have none.)
All of the places I've lived in 5 years, when and where (How the fuck am I supposed to remember that?)
Everywhere either of us have ever gone to school and what degrees/certificates we have (Really, why?)
What physical disabilities either of us have, any mental health care we are getting and for what and how long, what meds we're on for anything.
If we consider ourselves incompatible (WTF? Does this really need to be asked?)
And lots else, except no mention of what to do with pets.
Now, I can fully appreciate these things being needed in the case of a contested divorce where there are disagreements on who is getting what, how to divide up money, etc.
But, unless something radically changes, this is a non-contested divorce. We are expected to decide and agree on who gets what. Why do they need to know where I've lived in the past 5 years for us to decide I'm keeping my car, for example?
Nightmare. Absolute nightmare.
Oh, and since he's probably being medically retired instead of normal retired I won't be eligible for any part of his retirement pay as it may all be considered VA Disability and I can't touch his disability payments of any type. I *might* be able to due to the new Concurrent laws where if he is medically retired he will get *both* his normal retirement pay *and* VA Disability. Then I get a portion of his retirement like normal and he gets the rest plus his disability check.
The lawyer this morning when I asked about issues with medical retirement didn't seem to know anything about this... when I asked about it he mentioned nothing regarding Concurrency and just said that if he's getting disability I get nothing. Well, I know I can't get any of his disability... what about the other factors??
So, I'll press the 4pm lawyer a bit on that point and see if he knows his stuff.
I'm not aiming to bankrupt Chael or anything. If I wanted to it looks like I could simultaneously take up to half of his retirement pay PLUS 5 years of alimony. Not going to do that to him.
Maybe it sounds mean that I want some financial things at the end of this, but I'm okay with that. You out there don't know what I now know about things. As much as I do put out here and other places I am still keeping things inside the walls of Relationship Privacy.
We'll just see how things go with this next lawyer and maybe a couple others after this. The last guy was kinda "this is how much you'll pay me, here's some paperwork".
On other things, we're playing D&D tonight with Chael's co-workers/friends from work. *ugh* Unfortunate but kinda funny in a dark way, one of the guys and his wife are arguing so she may not play. Last week we scheduled because I was such a mess I couldn't handle being social... this week I'm going because I've reached a point of mad, sad, and fuck-it that I'm going to go play and try to have fun because I'm past letting Chael stuff ruin my opportunities for a potential social good time.
Oh, I know I'll still feel the same toward him the whole time and have to hide my level of pissed and sad, but hopefully there will also be a bunch of joking and shit-talking with the other folks.
I hope the wife plays, she's nice and can be fun in-game.
I'm not telling my mom about any of this until the divorce is final... at soonest. I don't need her all up in my business or calling to check on me or such.
I do need more support from others. Five folks have sent hugs and good wishes and support. I really appreciate you guys if you read this. But for all my blogging, posting places, talking about it... I feel like most people don't really care much.
Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. This is just so big.
Protecting Myself Financially and Stress-Wise
It's very likely I'll be divorcing Chael in the next week or so (well, starting the process, it takes 2 months in Texas). He intends at this point to stay with me after the divorce if I'm willing to have him around (which is based on how long my patience holds out or if I see real effort and progress in his therapy).
I've found out horrible things this week. It seems he's literally a pathological liar and has been lying hugely to me since before we got married, from the beginning. It's not just to me, it's not just something about our relationship... he lies to everyone all the time, to include himself.
He expresses loving me and wanting to stay with me, but being the one on the receiving end of all this and not being able to trust anything he says it's down to what I said above how long I keep him.
So yeah, I'm very likely divorcing him now instead of risking doing it later... I want to disengage myself financial and otherwise any obligations I have to him and his life and to secure the money I am entitled to of his retirement payments before he leaves service and it'll be harder to get that worked out, possible, but a bigger pain in the ass.
This way we can stay together as long as we both wish, but if/when I am done I can just tell him to pack his clothes and get the fuck out with no other issues to deal with really.
I've found out horrible things this week. It seems he's literally a pathological liar and has been lying hugely to me since before we got married, from the beginning. It's not just to me, it's not just something about our relationship... he lies to everyone all the time, to include himself.
He expresses loving me and wanting to stay with me, but being the one on the receiving end of all this and not being able to trust anything he says it's down to what I said above how long I keep him.
So yeah, I'm very likely divorcing him now instead of risking doing it later... I want to disengage myself financial and otherwise any obligations I have to him and his life and to secure the money I am entitled to of his retirement payments before he leaves service and it'll be harder to get that worked out, possible, but a bigger pain in the ass.
This way we can stay together as long as we both wish, but if/when I am done I can just tell him to pack his clothes and get the fuck out with no other issues to deal with really.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Caught Him at Home, Called Him Out in Therapy, Divorce?
We were again going over things he lied about, my finding out more of what, asking him questions.
I came to one and he answered in a way where I could tell he was being evasive, trying to make himself look good. Here we go. I pressed him, he dodge, pressed him some more, he dodged, compared statements he'd made in this and past conversations, he dodged, I finally told him flat out that he'd been lying to me in this conversation. He replied over and over that he did not think he had lied to me, that he'd spoken only the truth. Again I pointed out where he'd intentionally tried to deceive and manipulate me. He again expressed that yes he did mislead but he'd from there stated no lies.
I had to take a break from this back and forth frustration. Once a bit more put together I stated flat out that when someone asks you a very direct and clear question on something and you give them an answer that is meant to give them a different conclusion or feeling than the one that is completely true and honest, that is lying. It's just more weasly and passive-aggressive than a simple, "did you do this" "yes I did" (when one hasn't). Trying to make me believe something that isn't true with a lot of words doesn't make it less a lie than when shorter words are used.
He agreed with that.
The beating commenced once I calmed down some and thought about how I'd do it. As I mentioned before, my method has been slapping him in the face and head and back... and it makes my hands hurt, so I'd like another option. I have a lot of things that hurt and tend to be punishment things like canes, paddles, dragons tails, etc that he doesn't like the feel of... but two things: 1) I don't want to leave any kind of mark on him that he can twist around to me being the monster in this whole thing, and 2) I don't feel that caning him would have the same emotional value for him as a punishment of slapping his face.
We went to the therapist's and I brought The List on my iPad. He let me read it all. Then he talked to each of us about things. Mostly Chael, but now and then with me... plus at times I had to jump in to what Chael was saying or the doc was saying to correct things.
The doc brought up the possibility of Aspergers, that possibly the problem is Chael has a hard time picking up social cues and emotions in others.... No. Not the case. He is very capable of these things, has not problem at all with that... he just doesn't care as long as it doesn't effect him negatively. He can absolutely tell when someone is upset, it only matters to him if it's upsetting his plans or being annoying to him. Chael is aware of others emotions, but he just doesn't care about them beyond what they do for him or not. So that's one of the reasons he lies so much: he tries to keep people from getting upset so that he doesn't have to deal with it or he lies and expresses that he cares so that they'll calm down faster and his day can move forward.
Which applies to our marriage these past 16 years it turns out. He's admitted this week he's never cared or been concerned about me when I've cried - whether it was over something he did or it was something else in my life - or when something made me mad or anything involving a painful or negative emotion of mine. All his sweet words and hugs and cuddles and such during those times have been because he find me being upset to be "tedious" and he just wants to get it over with.
Again, sick relief at least in this pain and anger in that it's not just me/us... it's with everyone, since years before he met me.
Then, later in our therapy session I had to call him on a couple things where he was phrasing things to soften what he does or lying about his intentions and behaviors in things. He tried lying to and playing the therapist and I forcefully called him out on it/them and said, "no, that's not why you did that' You've admitted to doing it because of this" because he was answering in a way to make his action a softer thing that it is.
The therapist asked some good questions, but Chael of course didn't really give good answers... just generic and vague stuff plus the things I had to point out he was doing.
I came up with a potential plan last night and told Chael about it. I'm looking into speaking to a lawyer shortly, have sent some emails about consultations to a few around here that are familiar with military divorces. Instead of waiting things out til I reach whatever moment it is I say "That's it, get the fuck out of my life totally" and then dealing with all the paperwork and such I may divorce him very soon so that by the time he retires it's done. That way I will be sure to get what I deserve of his retirement pay easier than going through court work after he's already retired and our finances will be completely separate legally as spouses. Then, if I am still with him when the move to NYC happens he can come with me and live with me and such as a roommate, but still with the law that he has to continue therapy AND be making progress (as is the case with my even considered taking him with me, if I don't just end things before that... which could happen at any time, literally).
So, get my finances and all my married legal mess untangled, get my retirement portion in legal contract, and get all the hassle of a divorce done. The if I let him stick around and things go well, good. If they don't, I can kick his ass out with no other issues than letting him pack his shit up as he walks out the door.
Simplifies my future.
While typing this I've gotten a couple emails back and forth with one of the lawyers I sent a request to. I have a consultation with him tomorrow at 4pm.
Looking over all my options out there on how to handle all this.
I came to one and he answered in a way where I could tell he was being evasive, trying to make himself look good. Here we go. I pressed him, he dodge, pressed him some more, he dodged, compared statements he'd made in this and past conversations, he dodged, I finally told him flat out that he'd been lying to me in this conversation. He replied over and over that he did not think he had lied to me, that he'd spoken only the truth. Again I pointed out where he'd intentionally tried to deceive and manipulate me. He again expressed that yes he did mislead but he'd from there stated no lies.
I had to take a break from this back and forth frustration. Once a bit more put together I stated flat out that when someone asks you a very direct and clear question on something and you give them an answer that is meant to give them a different conclusion or feeling than the one that is completely true and honest, that is lying. It's just more weasly and passive-aggressive than a simple, "did you do this" "yes I did" (when one hasn't). Trying to make me believe something that isn't true with a lot of words doesn't make it less a lie than when shorter words are used.
He agreed with that.
The beating commenced once I calmed down some and thought about how I'd do it. As I mentioned before, my method has been slapping him in the face and head and back... and it makes my hands hurt, so I'd like another option. I have a lot of things that hurt and tend to be punishment things like canes, paddles, dragons tails, etc that he doesn't like the feel of... but two things: 1) I don't want to leave any kind of mark on him that he can twist around to me being the monster in this whole thing, and 2) I don't feel that caning him would have the same emotional value for him as a punishment of slapping his face.
We went to the therapist's and I brought The List on my iPad. He let me read it all. Then he talked to each of us about things. Mostly Chael, but now and then with me... plus at times I had to jump in to what Chael was saying or the doc was saying to correct things.
The doc brought up the possibility of Aspergers, that possibly the problem is Chael has a hard time picking up social cues and emotions in others.... No. Not the case. He is very capable of these things, has not problem at all with that... he just doesn't care as long as it doesn't effect him negatively. He can absolutely tell when someone is upset, it only matters to him if it's upsetting his plans or being annoying to him. Chael is aware of others emotions, but he just doesn't care about them beyond what they do for him or not. So that's one of the reasons he lies so much: he tries to keep people from getting upset so that he doesn't have to deal with it or he lies and expresses that he cares so that they'll calm down faster and his day can move forward.
Which applies to our marriage these past 16 years it turns out. He's admitted this week he's never cared or been concerned about me when I've cried - whether it was over something he did or it was something else in my life - or when something made me mad or anything involving a painful or negative emotion of mine. All his sweet words and hugs and cuddles and such during those times have been because he find me being upset to be "tedious" and he just wants to get it over with.
Again, sick relief at least in this pain and anger in that it's not just me/us... it's with everyone, since years before he met me.
Then, later in our therapy session I had to call him on a couple things where he was phrasing things to soften what he does or lying about his intentions and behaviors in things. He tried lying to and playing the therapist and I forcefully called him out on it/them and said, "no, that's not why you did that' You've admitted to doing it because of this" because he was answering in a way to make his action a softer thing that it is.
The therapist asked some good questions, but Chael of course didn't really give good answers... just generic and vague stuff plus the things I had to point out he was doing.
I came up with a potential plan last night and told Chael about it. I'm looking into speaking to a lawyer shortly, have sent some emails about consultations to a few around here that are familiar with military divorces. Instead of waiting things out til I reach whatever moment it is I say "That's it, get the fuck out of my life totally" and then dealing with all the paperwork and such I may divorce him very soon so that by the time he retires it's done. That way I will be sure to get what I deserve of his retirement pay easier than going through court work after he's already retired and our finances will be completely separate legally as spouses. Then, if I am still with him when the move to NYC happens he can come with me and live with me and such as a roommate, but still with the law that he has to continue therapy AND be making progress (as is the case with my even considered taking him with me, if I don't just end things before that... which could happen at any time, literally).
So, get my finances and all my married legal mess untangled, get my retirement portion in legal contract, and get all the hassle of a divorce done. The if I let him stick around and things go well, good. If they don't, I can kick his ass out with no other issues than letting him pack his shit up as he walks out the door.
Simplifies my future.
While typing this I've gotten a couple emails back and forth with one of the lawyers I sent a request to. I have a consultation with him tomorrow at 4pm.
Looking over all my options out there on how to handle all this.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
More and More
He just came home from work and asked about how I was doing today. As though he cares.
In the conversation I learned another horrible lie.... well, as with it all, rather an on-going series of lies.
Tomorrow is his (our) therapy appointment where I'm going in with him with The List.
If this therapist does not take The List seriously, I will be getting him a new therapist.
In the conversation I learned another horrible lie.... well, as with it all, rather an on-going series of lies.
Tomorrow is his (our) therapy appointment where I'm going in with him with The List.
If this therapist does not take The List seriously, I will be getting him a new therapist.
Oh, And
After smacking the shit out of him for the second time I caught him in a lie yesterday my hands really stung, so I had him massage them to make them feel better.
Cuz that's the way I roll.
But yeah, we both agree that due to this I need to find a different way to punish him. I shouldn't be getting discomfort/pain out of it.
Cuz that's the way I roll.
But yeah, we both agree that due to this I need to find a different way to punish him. I shouldn't be getting discomfort/pain out of it.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Rrrrrrrrrr
I've caught him out lying twice today. The beatings weren't intense or mark-leaving, but they were symbolic and aggressive.
He also has had to be harshly reminded repeatedly before he says things that he is to tell me the truth and I have to keep grilling him to see if/what I can catch him in next.
I'm pretty sure there is a certain exchange that he lied to me during a short bit ago, but I had no way to really catch him out at the moment so I'm biding my time, watching and waiting. I warned him that it was not in his best interest in the long-run for him to be lying right then again. He expressed understanding and that he was not lying. We shall see.
Even then I don't believe a word, but I'm doing what I can to keep my boundaries in place now knowing the situation. Things are very, very different in this household now between us.
He did make the therapy appointment as I told him. It is Thursday.
I got ahold of Scott & White Hospital about my incision that has been wonky and that I needed to reschedule the bariatric checkup that I missed due to the emergency surgery. That's Friday.
I also called the Temple VA - it took me all day to get them to answer... how the fuck is an entire hospital not answering phones? - and let them know that I needed a meds appointment and a therapy appointment. I figure in addition to keeping Chael's ass in line during his therapy I could use somewhere private for help to deal with this in the details I don't want to make public here.
The VA asked me who my meds doc was. I had to think about it (and wondered why they were asking as shouldn't that be in the computer?) and came up with what I thought was the name. They then checked the computer (wtf? Why, again if they could do that, didn't they in the first place?) and said, no, that wasn't my meds doctor and that I already had an appointment with some other doctor for it... 1) Never heard of this doctor, and 2) Apparently this appointment was made between my last visit to the VA when they told me they had absolutely nothing in the system for me and now. Okay.
But, I did not argue as I'd been wanting a new doc anyways as the last one I had a single meeting with and thought he was an idiot. Seriously, the stuff he was asking me I was answering with mental eye rolling and asking myself "what are you, a first year psych student? This is all the most basic stuff ever and all in my records anyways that I see pulled up on your computer right there!". So yeah, yay, new doctor.
However, this does me no good regarding current alterations in meds support. The next meds meeting won't be until mid March.
Sigh.
They didn't have any notes in their system at all about my two recent requests for a therapist there. The one that the gynecologist referred me for and they called me about to make the appointment and when I got there they had no record of an appointment nor of my ever being called about it. Then, when that news was given to me I requested to be put in for one again and they said they'd do so... and that one disappeared, too, as I'd not heard anything back as of today and when I called about it again they had no record of my previous request in system. So I asked about a specific psychologist I know that works there that I've dealt with before and he's really great, cares about his patients, is very direct without being mean, knows what he's talking about on things... I like him. Good doctor, so I was glad that when I asked about him they said he was still working there. I specifically asked to be put in as a request for him, they gave me the standard answer of the therapists doing their own schedule and they'd get back to me whenever the therapist gave them word of an opening. This I've been told every time I've ever made a therapy appointment can take a couple weeks to even get word from the psychologist... then longer until the appointment itself.
About an hour later that doc calls me himself and asks me how I'm doing and if we could get me in in the next couple weeks. I talked vagueness with him about things and we scheduled me for Feb 8th. Too far out for my liking, but I can always call and speak to him directly if I need to whenever during the day and if it's needed he'll move me up quick.
(long break in time while I went and had an artichoke and watched Ghostbusters with Chael)
So... It's been a day.
Jonesy has been getting massive amounts of treats the past couple days. He keeps going up to Chael and demanding them... he won't shut up until he gets something. Even I've cracked a couple times and given him snacky-snacks.
My mood swings a lot. If I'm keeping totally distracted like Ghostbusters mostly did or when I'm intensely reading, I feel pretty normal. Then on the opposite side of the spectrum I either am terribly angry or crying.
Most of the time I'm somewhere in between.
Being productive, getting through life as I can.
The Lortab is no longer helping me to sleep and I'm not going to risk keeping upping the dosage... that's just a good way to addiction or hospital visits. I was on Ambien years ago and it worked well for a while until I adjusted to it. Chael has offered to me to try one of his to see if it'll work again for me.
In absence of immediate VA help, I'm left to my own devices still. Luckily I've been taking all these same meds in various amounts and combinations for the past 13years so none of them are surprises in what can be taken, how much, with what, or how they're prone to affect me.
So, I guess yay for working my way through a slew of meds over the years?
Anyhow, yeah... Another day, more stuff done, doctor appointments made, life goes on.
Oh, and left-over from last night's rage attack: my entire torso from beneath my breasts to my hips hurts.... my whole "core" area... from tensing it so hard when I was mad. It hurts to twist or lean or even lay here and type.
If it's not one thing it's another this year.
2013, WTF?
He also has had to be harshly reminded repeatedly before he says things that he is to tell me the truth and I have to keep grilling him to see if/what I can catch him in next.
I'm pretty sure there is a certain exchange that he lied to me during a short bit ago, but I had no way to really catch him out at the moment so I'm biding my time, watching and waiting. I warned him that it was not in his best interest in the long-run for him to be lying right then again. He expressed understanding and that he was not lying. We shall see.
Even then I don't believe a word, but I'm doing what I can to keep my boundaries in place now knowing the situation. Things are very, very different in this household now between us.
He did make the therapy appointment as I told him. It is Thursday.
I got ahold of Scott & White Hospital about my incision that has been wonky and that I needed to reschedule the bariatric checkup that I missed due to the emergency surgery. That's Friday.
I also called the Temple VA - it took me all day to get them to answer... how the fuck is an entire hospital not answering phones? - and let them know that I needed a meds appointment and a therapy appointment. I figure in addition to keeping Chael's ass in line during his therapy I could use somewhere private for help to deal with this in the details I don't want to make public here.
The VA asked me who my meds doc was. I had to think about it (and wondered why they were asking as shouldn't that be in the computer?) and came up with what I thought was the name. They then checked the computer (wtf? Why, again if they could do that, didn't they in the first place?) and said, no, that wasn't my meds doctor and that I already had an appointment with some other doctor for it... 1) Never heard of this doctor, and 2) Apparently this appointment was made between my last visit to the VA when they told me they had absolutely nothing in the system for me and now. Okay.
But, I did not argue as I'd been wanting a new doc anyways as the last one I had a single meeting with and thought he was an idiot. Seriously, the stuff he was asking me I was answering with mental eye rolling and asking myself "what are you, a first year psych student? This is all the most basic stuff ever and all in my records anyways that I see pulled up on your computer right there!". So yeah, yay, new doctor.
However, this does me no good regarding current alterations in meds support. The next meds meeting won't be until mid March.
Sigh.
They didn't have any notes in their system at all about my two recent requests for a therapist there. The one that the gynecologist referred me for and they called me about to make the appointment and when I got there they had no record of an appointment nor of my ever being called about it. Then, when that news was given to me I requested to be put in for one again and they said they'd do so... and that one disappeared, too, as I'd not heard anything back as of today and when I called about it again they had no record of my previous request in system. So I asked about a specific psychologist I know that works there that I've dealt with before and he's really great, cares about his patients, is very direct without being mean, knows what he's talking about on things... I like him. Good doctor, so I was glad that when I asked about him they said he was still working there. I specifically asked to be put in as a request for him, they gave me the standard answer of the therapists doing their own schedule and they'd get back to me whenever the therapist gave them word of an opening. This I've been told every time I've ever made a therapy appointment can take a couple weeks to even get word from the psychologist... then longer until the appointment itself.
About an hour later that doc calls me himself and asks me how I'm doing and if we could get me in in the next couple weeks. I talked vagueness with him about things and we scheduled me for Feb 8th. Too far out for my liking, but I can always call and speak to him directly if I need to whenever during the day and if it's needed he'll move me up quick.
(long break in time while I went and had an artichoke and watched Ghostbusters with Chael)
So... It's been a day.
Jonesy has been getting massive amounts of treats the past couple days. He keeps going up to Chael and demanding them... he won't shut up until he gets something. Even I've cracked a couple times and given him snacky-snacks.
My mood swings a lot. If I'm keeping totally distracted like Ghostbusters mostly did or when I'm intensely reading, I feel pretty normal. Then on the opposite side of the spectrum I either am terribly angry or crying.
Most of the time I'm somewhere in between.
Being productive, getting through life as I can.
The Lortab is no longer helping me to sleep and I'm not going to risk keeping upping the dosage... that's just a good way to addiction or hospital visits. I was on Ambien years ago and it worked well for a while until I adjusted to it. Chael has offered to me to try one of his to see if it'll work again for me.
In absence of immediate VA help, I'm left to my own devices still. Luckily I've been taking all these same meds in various amounts and combinations for the past 13years so none of them are surprises in what can be taken, how much, with what, or how they're prone to affect me.
So, I guess yay for working my way through a slew of meds over the years?
Anyhow, yeah... Another day, more stuff done, doctor appointments made, life goes on.
Oh, and left-over from last night's rage attack: my entire torso from beneath my breasts to my hips hurts.... my whole "core" area... from tensing it so hard when I was mad. It hurts to twist or lean or even lay here and type.
If it's not one thing it's another this year.
2013, WTF?
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