Caught Him at Home, Called Him Out in Therapy, Divorce?

We were again going over things he lied about, my finding out more of what, asking him questions.

I came to one and he answered in a way where I could tell he was being evasive, trying to make himself look good.  Here we go.  I pressed him, he dodge, pressed him some more, he dodged, compared statements he'd made in this and past conversations, he dodged, I finally told him flat out that he'd been lying to me in this conversation.  He replied over and over that he did not think he had lied to me, that he'd spoken only the truth.  Again I pointed out where he'd intentionally tried to deceive and manipulate me.  He again expressed that yes he did mislead but he'd from there stated no lies.

I had to take a break from this back and forth frustration.  Once a bit more put together I stated flat out that when someone asks you a very direct and clear question on something and you give them an answer that is meant to give them a different conclusion or feeling than the one that is completely true and honest, that is lying.  It's just more weasly and passive-aggressive than a simple, "did you do this"  "yes I did" (when one hasn't).  Trying to make me believe something that isn't true with a lot of words doesn't make it less a lie than when shorter words are used.

He agreed with that.

The beating commenced once I calmed down some and thought about how I'd do it.  As I mentioned before, my method has been slapping him in the face and head and back... and it makes my hands hurt, so I'd like another option.  I have a lot of things that hurt and tend to be punishment things like canes, paddles, dragons tails, etc that he doesn't like the feel of... but two things:  1)  I don't want to leave any kind of mark on him that he can twist around to me being the monster in this whole thing, and 2) I don't feel that caning him would have the same emotional value for him as a punishment of slapping his face.

 

We went to the therapist's and I brought The List on my iPad.  He let me read it all.  Then he talked to each of us about things.  Mostly Chael, but now and then with me... plus at times I had to jump in to what Chael was saying or the doc was saying to correct things.

The doc brought up the possibility of Aspergers, that possibly the problem is Chael has a hard time picking up social cues and emotions in others.... No.  Not the case.  He is very capable of these things, has not problem at all with that... he just doesn't care as long as it doesn't effect him negatively.  He can absolutely tell when someone is upset, it only matters to him if it's upsetting his plans or being annoying to him.  Chael is aware of others emotions, but he just doesn't care about them beyond what they do for him or not.  So that's one of the reasons he lies so much:  he tries to keep people from getting upset so that he doesn't have to deal with it or he lies and expresses that he cares so that they'll calm down faster and his day can move forward.

Which applies to our marriage these past 16 years it turns out.  He's admitted this week he's never cared or been concerned about me when I've cried - whether it was over something he did or it was something else in my life - or when something made me mad or anything involving a painful or negative emotion of mine.  All his sweet words and hugs and cuddles and such during those times have been because he find me being upset to be "tedious" and he just wants to get it over with.

Again, sick relief at least in this pain and anger in that it's not just me/us... it's with everyone, since years before he met me.

Then, later in our therapy session I had to call him on a couple things where he was phrasing things to soften what he does or lying about his intentions and behaviors in things.  He tried lying to and playing the therapist and I forcefully called him out on it/them and said, "no, that's not why you did that'  You've admitted to doing it because of this" because he was answering in a way to make his action a softer thing that it is.

The therapist asked some good questions, but Chael of course didn't really give good answers... just generic and vague stuff plus the things I had to point out he was doing.

 

I came up with a potential plan last night and told Chael about it.  I'm looking into speaking to a lawyer shortly, have sent some emails about consultations to a few around here that are familiar with military divorces.  Instead of waiting things out til I reach whatever moment it is I say "That's it, get the fuck out of my life totally" and then dealing with all the paperwork and such I may divorce him very soon so that by the time he retires it's done.  That way I will be sure to get what I deserve of his retirement pay easier than going through court work after he's already retired and our finances will be completely separate legally as spouses.  Then, if I am still with him when the move to NYC happens he can come with me and live with me and such as a roommate, but still with the law that he has to continue therapy AND be making progress (as is the case with my even considered taking him with me, if I don't just end things before that... which could happen at any time, literally).

So, get my finances and all my married legal mess untangled, get my retirement portion in legal contract, and get all the hassle of a divorce done.  The if I let him stick around and things go well, good.  If they don't, I can kick his ass out with no other issues than letting him pack his shit up as he walks out the door.

Simplifies my future.

While typing this I've gotten a couple emails back and forth with one of the lawyers I sent a request to.  I have a consultation with him tomorrow at 4pm.

Looking over all my options out there on how to handle all this.