Thinking about me and us

Been talking a lot on the forums here lately and thinking a lot about Chael since he'll be home soon. These are some things I've long been aware of but haven't so much said here before (though they can be gleaned from my various posts, I'm sure, or if someone spends much time with me):

I am inherently selfish. I am incredibly self-centered and ego-centric. I am extremely introverted. I am highly possessive and in many areas very uptight. I am a slut. I rarely care about anyone other than myself, but when I do I tend to care too much. I am clinically hypersexual and have to work hard to not overwhelm my partner(s). I am intensely sensitive to being picked on or laughed at, but in most cases hide it so as to function around others.

I am not very verbally affectionate, I express myself more via physical and sexual affection, and again take great pains to try not to overwhelm others with it. I am terrible at flirting and banter. I am very good at discarding people I find no longer healthy for me. I am unusually independent and value my individuality above almost all else. I'm not very trustworthy except where I absolutely am.

I am controlling, mostly of myself but also of those who will let me be (that I care about). I always want/need too much from people I care for. I am not much of a talker, much more a listener. I hate confrontation and do not handle it well. I am a sucker for genuine-seeming compliments and actions. I've always been one to push myself too hard.

I view gifts of flowers with distrust, but still love to get them. I am very protective of the few people I let matter to me. I've got an oh so common weakness for kittens. I get a feeling of validation in my relationships from PDAs that I can't get with private affection. I detest anything that makes me feel like a "mommy" to someone or something. I always feel I can do something better myself except where I'm sure there's no way I should be doing it at all.

I have little patience for anything I see as immaturity or cruelty. I really wish I could have a dog. I torture myself imagining horrible what-ifs of my spouse or cat dying. I love being in the hospital, and while I usually cite the smell and sheets and my medical/objectification kinks, it also is likely tied to it being the only time I feel safe/justified to need taking care of.

I'm still afraid of octopus attacks and the swiggly life on ocean reefs, but at the same time love snorkeling. I don't think I have a favorite food. In fact, I'm not sure I can narrow anything down to a single favorite something besides Chael being my favorite person. My "favorite color" isn't actually my favorite color (story behind this). I love to dance though I'm sure I look foolish when doing so. I have a very dry word-and-wit-based sense of humor and tend to come off very dorky when I attempt to be otherwise funny.

I'm a traveler by nature and don't see myself settling down anywhere until my 50s, if then.

And while rather quiet in real life, I am obnoxiously verbose in type.

Divorce thoughts (in general)

Not about my marriage, but about the subject of divorce, over all.

Am I really the only person on this planet that sees the high divorce rate as a GOOD thing?

People didn't stay together when they couldn't divorce because they wanted to, but because they couldn't get a divorce... so -like many of the non-divorced today still- they live in misery, boredom, loathing; through abuse, sexual and emotional mismatching and unhappiness, wrong choices and even drunk nights in Vegas.

Or, again as with many today still, they lived unmarried while stuck legally bound... cheating, separation, more abuse, etc. and on some rare occasions a happy, keep-it-from-the-neighbors, understanding.

Now, divorce is available and easier to get. People who should've never married can correct it. People who have grown to hate one another can step away and make happier lives. Abused men and women can leave and seek healthier options alone or with new partners.

Miserable togetherness can be ended legally with full individual rights restored.

Marriage shouldn't be a trap one is caught in. If the paperwork is the only reason one is staying then, IMO, it's not a marriage in the meaningful sense anyways. The people are ALREADY divorced, they're just locked in a legal cage with one another.

Divorce and the availability of it and the fact that people are making use of it, are beautiful, happy, healthy things.

Does one hope that a relationship is healthy, happy, and lasting in it's goodness? Surely! But those aren't where divorce happens. People don't say "things are great! let's end it!". Legal divorce happens AFTER the marriage is dead and gone, even if one half refuses to acknowledge it yet.

Death of the goodness of a relationship is a sadness, being able to leave when that occurs and there is no resuscitation possible is a joyful option.

Just had to get that out after reading another rant about "sanctity of marriage" and the divorce rate.