6 more days

Til Chael comes home!!! Am so very excited.

Had a wonderful day with Scott yesterday and it ended perfectly: publically, a hug from him and a hug and kiss from Hillary.

Unfortunately I'd had two things planned yesterday that didn't happen: a horde symbol cutting on Scott and a needle scene with Jeremiah. Both will be at another time, though, so it's okay. Those will work out :)

I can't believe it's so close to time for Chael to be here.

Gotta run to the grocery today, I can no longer avoid it. May get my head shaved, too, since I'll be out... need to get that done before going down to see Chael next week.

Good day so far.

Thinking about me and us

Been talking a lot on the forums here lately and thinking a lot about Chael since he'll be home soon. These are some things I've long been aware of but haven't so much said here before (though they can be gleaned from my various posts, I'm sure, or if someone spends much time with me):

I am inherently selfish. I am incredibly self-centered and ego-centric. I am extremely introverted. I am highly possessive and in many areas very uptight. I am a slut. I rarely care about anyone other than myself, but when I do I tend to care too much. I am clinically hypersexual and have to work hard to not overwhelm my partner(s). I am intensely sensitive to being picked on or laughed at, but in most cases hide it so as to function around others.

I am not very verbally affectionate, I express myself more via physical and sexual affection, and again take great pains to try not to overwhelm others with it. I am terrible at flirting and banter. I am very good at discarding people I find no longer healthy for me. I am unusually independent and value my individuality above almost all else. I'm not very trustworthy except where I absolutely am.

I am controlling, mostly of myself but also of those who will let me be (that I care about). I always want/need too much from people I care for. I am not much of a talker, much more a listener. I hate confrontation and do not handle it well. I am a sucker for genuine-seeming compliments and actions. I've always been one to push myself too hard.

I view gifts of flowers with distrust, but still love to get them. I am very protective of the few people I let matter to me. I've got an oh so common weakness for kittens. I get a feeling of validation in my relationships from PDAs that I can't get with private affection. I detest anything that makes me feel like a "mommy" to someone or something. I always feel I can do something better myself except where I'm sure there's no way I should be doing it at all.

I have little patience for anything I see as immaturity or cruelty. I really wish I could have a dog. I torture myself imagining horrible what-ifs of my spouse or cat dying. I love being in the hospital, and while I usually cite the smell and sheets and my medical/objectification kinks, it also is likely tied to it being the only time I feel safe/justified to need taking care of.

I'm still afraid of octopus attacks and the swiggly life on ocean reefs, but at the same time love snorkeling. I don't think I have a favorite food. In fact, I'm not sure I can narrow anything down to a single favorite something besides Chael being my favorite person. My "favorite color" isn't actually my favorite color (story behind this). I love to dance though I'm sure I look foolish when doing so. I have a very dry word-and-wit-based sense of humor and tend to come off very dorky when I attempt to be otherwise funny.

I'm a traveler by nature and don't see myself settling down anywhere until my 50s, if then.

And while rather quiet in real life, I am obnoxiously verbose in type.

Ouch.

Have a couple of friends I've spent a lot of time with over the past year, about. Thought it had progressed to a "more than friends" situation, I considered them to be polyamorous partners of mine. Just found I'm considered a "fwb" partner of theirs.

Ouch.

Hoping we're having a misunderstanding and that I didn't make the mistake of coming to care too much for them.

Sent them both a text about it yesterday night, very late, when I saw the status they'd put me as. Haven't heard anything back yet. Ugh, I hate waiting and at the same time don't want to have any conversation about feelings. No win.

omg omg omg

Late tomorrow night/Sunday morning. He's coming home then, the website update says.

My husband, lover, slave, bottom, top, best friend.

Four days together and then months of him being just a few hours away... him coming up for weekends, me going down there for weekends, random visits during the weeks, upcoming 2 weeks of block leave then more leave for our anniversary, phone calls and text messages and yim messages when he is just a few hours away...

So excited.

Wearing myself out with it. Am gonna nap shortly, if I'm able to, because all the excitement and waiting is making me crash and tired.

Will take an Ambien tonight to make sure I sleep, I think... don't wanna drive down to Ft. Hood late tomorrow night while over-tired.

Texted LadyHillary about maybe hanging out tonight and tomorrow over there to help the time pass less slowly. Not sure if they're up for company or not, we'll see.

Am.so.excited.

Think I'll put in a movie or some House on the DVR and curl up on the couch and see if I can sleep.

Omg, I just wish today and tomorrow were done.

2-3 Days

Counting down. Depending on what happens with flights, he will be home possibly Thursday, most likely Friday.

Soooo clooooose!!!!

Lots of love and sex and cuddle and happiness and road trip and sneaking into the barracks and going out to dinner and all kinds of being together this weekend :D

Then the plan is next weekend a switch-partner double-date with AbusablePainToy and LadyHillary. Should be a giggle-blast.

I'm so thrilled to have my honey coming home. Waitingwaitingwaitingwaitingwaiting!!!

6 Days and So Excited

Chael's coming home!!!! I'm officially at the point where I'm getting excited and antsy about it. I don't tend to until it gets right up to before something special/important happens.

But it's less than a week now and I'm getting that way. Still no 100% solid word but still planned return for the 28th. I'll drive down that morning and be utterly bored until time to meet him. Hopefully I'll get better word about what time of day that should be so I don't spend hours trying to amuse myself around Killeen and Ft. Hood, waiting.

But he's coming home!

Oh, and I warn a lot of the next few days updates and conversations with me will go this way. I get rather super-focused on things I'm excited about and have a hard time focusing on anything else, as I'm sure most if not all of you out there experience yourselves.

Husband cuddles and holding hands and kisses and twirls and dips in the grocery store and all kinds of sex and arguing over science shows and watching movies playing 6-degrees to choose the next one and showing him what i think are funny or cute internet things and having him wait on me and reading or playing online next to each other comfortably and just plain being around each other again!!!

Not just for 2 weeks but for months!!!

That first hug and hand-holding when I see him that first moment he's free...

I don't tend to miss him much when he's gone because I function very well on my own. I think of him and miss him here and there if something comes up I'd like to tell him or show him, but it's no constant ache. I love him and he's mine and he'll be back, so I enjoy my time on my own and will enjoy my time wiht him when he's here. That simple for me.

So I don't live his deployments (or any of our other times apart) in any great funk or anything.

I just so very much enjoy when he is around. :)

My honey is coming home next week. Woohoo!

Feeling Down

I have a lot of conflicting things going on in my life right now that I don't feel comfortable talking about here. Not that all are negative, not at all, but rather that I have gone and gotten myself too full an emotional and time filled plate again.

I've been having fun with friends, looking forward to Chael coming home, avoiding loving some people, avoiding sex with others, giving myself "the horrids" over Chael coming home (worrying that since things have gone so well this deployment that now he's coming home something horrible will happen), crying in bed alone over military traumas, addressing a personality change that I'm only just becoming aware of and haven't decided my feelings on yet, planning how to deal with my mother's next little comment, being happy about how many want to play with me but also overwhelmed, planning a dallas-killeen-houston-killeen-dallas trip in combination with my spouse coming home, prepping emotionally for the fact that I have agreed to go to an Army mandatory-for-Chael ceremony which is sure to trigger me some on top of just plain being dull as fuck, noticing and stressing over a minor change in a friend's behavior, still haven't gone grocery shopping but should, and just generally making big things out of little things.

I'm leading into one of those personal implosions. Too many little things mixed with a few big things and I am starting to feel like just cancelling everything and hiding for a while.

But I have both small and large obligations to keep to. Bleh.

I'm sure you, the reader, have had plenty of these days. No one thing wrong, just too much (moostly good) things going on and stressing out.

Gonna text LadyHillary and see if she's working. I think she is, but if not maybe we'll hang out. I need some relax with relaxed friends time.

Best Compliments Evar

So voicechatted with Chael tonight and told him about some of the discussions I've been having here on Fetlife and running my perceptions of our relationship by him to get his input on his own.

This led to him wandering a bit from the main discussion point to giving me some of the most touching comments I (as a narcissist) have ever received. As close to his wording as possible:

"Drawing short of actually deifying you, you are my spiritual leader and the culmination of all that is good in the world"

Exact quotes:

"I don't worry about sinning against God; I worry about sinning against you"

"You are my conscience, my spiritual guide, and my Buddhist teacher".

"You have ruined me for other people. No one can compare to you. You have set an impossible standard and everyone else falls short."

...mixed in with other sweetnesses and frankly stated views of me that were all of humbling, overwhelming and touching.

Along with "Speaking of sin, I'm looking forward to some of that when I get home". lol.

10 days.