Got those forms by email today. Gonna serve Chael tonight after he gets home. We have a couple lines to fill in, then send it back.
If he agrees to sign the waiver (which I assume he will) we need to see a notary public to witness it. I'm going to google our local ones, maybe we can get that done today as he gets out early on Thursdays.
Tummy-gripping morning due to this. My Delta's are amusing me, so that helps.
Printed everything out.
Oh boy.
On a different topic, I also printed out a form from Social Security to have them start taxing me monthly on my benefits instead of taking a big chunk when doing my Federal Income Tax each year. Turns out I can mail it to them (at first it looked like I'd have to actually go to the office to deliver it), so yay.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Therapy and Not Much to Say
Not much to say, really. The past couple days have been going pretty much the same.
Monday I went and talked to my therapist (well, he's not really like a regular therapist to me... he's the therapist I like at the VA and used to see, so when I wanted to talk to someone I requested him). That was really good. He's a nice guy and good at his job, he listened and gave me some good stuff to think about. He also got me a same-day meds appointment where I was squeezed in to a new psychdoc a few hours later.
It meant another 80 minute round-trip to Temple that day, but it was worth it. She gave me Ambien and the first quick-acting anxiety medication that any doctor has given me ever. Of over 10 years of panic attacks. I get the constant impression I'm considered drug-seeking whenever I've asked for that sort of thing (and in general, sigh) but this lady took me seriously and prescribed.
Haven't needed to use any yet, while I've had anger and upset the past couple days I've not had huge anxiety rushes where I need drugging lol.
We had a long talk Monday, Chael and I. More horribleness. Not an ugly conversation or anything, just hurtful... More angles to what I already knew, new aspects of the lying and stuff.
Then we went to his therapist on Tuesday... and I have no idea what is going on in his head. The denial, the lying, the bizarre twist on memories discussed... it's unreal.
And, of course, he's been lying to me in the ways I've caught him this couple or so weeks plus the subjective things I couldn't directly catch him in.
All.Day.Long. he lies. Constantly. To everybody. It's really sick. As in, not well... not...right in the head.
Again, I caught him out several times in front of the therapist.
I get the direct impression the therapist has no idea what to do with him, either. Good guy, but this is not a "So, what is stressing you out and triggering your depression with work? How is that doing?" sort of thing that Chael was sent to him for.
And it may very well be the case that these past 15 years Chael hasn't loved me. He's currently trying to figure out whether he has or does at all or not. No solid word yet.
His "homework" for therapy is to figure out what he actually feels about anyone ever and in what ways, then in theory the doc will work with him from there on those details and why he lies and fakes with everyone he comes into contact with.
I told him that Dr. Roger's (my therapist from the other day) thinks it would be best if he moved out and that while I don't have to do it immediately, that's the case in his opinion. I'm inclined to agree. I don't know what's wrong with Chael or if it can ever be fixed, I'm divorcing him, and it just hurts as I keep watching him lie to me.
Not in that his new lies upset me... like I said, I'm at a point of emotion and acceptance where it just doesn't matter. But finding out and re-affirming old ones... twists my insides.
There will never be flowers again. No holding hands. No cuddles before bed.
He wants to stay with me, he thinks I'm wonderful, he wants to continue to serve me... but he doesn't really care about losing me.
Dr. Roger's suggested that when I feel like this or when I start getting super-angry to try and think about what good has come from the marriage, the experience of it.
I can't really think of anything as far as the relationship itself goes. I had some very nice times with Chael... things we've done together, sweetnesses we shared and that I loved... but they weren't real. He lied all through them. For the most part they were manipulations he says. They were just part of the way he shows a fake personality to everyone.
So what am I supposed to take away from that? Other relationships that have ended, whether rough or not, have had things I learned from them... things I brought out of them as good experiences, happy memories... things I learned I wanted or didn't want in the future.
But what do you get when all your happy memories were faked by the other person? When you never even knew who they really were, felt, or thought all those years?
What do you take away when all you can say that you learned is what you already knew: that no one ever really knows anyone. That like I've pointed out to others for decades now, starting before this marriage, you can know someone for years or, as a parent, their entire life and still find out one day that you don't know them at all or that they have been doing horrible things you would never suspect of them like pedophilia or skinning kittens or raping and eating joggers they abduct or whatever. Because that does happen to people.
And then it happened to me. Irony.
So far the only good thing I've been able to salvage in my mind about this relationship isn't actually about the relationship... it's that due to being married to him I got to go to Germany to live and traveled all over Europe on my own.
That, and Pixel and Jonesy. I wouldn't have had those two particular wonderful kitties in my life if we'd not been married and we'd gotten them for me.
So Europe travel and two cats. 15+ years together and that's the total so far.
The endless lying. I watch it with him when speaking to others, when speaking to me. Not just his words... it's... his whole self. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice... he sounds normal. There isn't the mismatch that most people tend to have if they lie more than the occasional social-lubricant type. It's sad, for both me AND him... I can't imagine living like that, not being yourself ever.
Everybody lies to some extent... from major to little tiny politenesses, depending on the person and what is going on with them. I don't know how to express that this is not that. There is nothing he says about himself or that he does with others that can be trusted, because he will and does lie about any and all of it.
Again, it's not a malicious thing. His intent is not to hurt others or to be mean to people. He just wants them to think well of him and he doesn't care what he has to do or tell them to make them do so. Even when he knows it can or does hurt them.
He sat down next to my bed and with tears in his eyes asked me not to go. Told me he was not okay and that he wanted me to stay.
Then later admitted he's not particularly upset about any of this.
He wasn't doing it to try and be a bastard to me, he just wants me to stick around so he'll fake emotions to get me to.
How sick is that?
Thankfully, for my heart and mind, I didn't believe a word of it when he said it.
The only thing I trust out of him nowadays is that he does what he's told the majority of the time, like before. Tell him to clean the kitchen: he does. Tell him I want him to get X from the grocery on his way home: he does.
It may be he's honestly not capable of more emotion than what I'm finding, again towards me or anyone. He expresses thinking I'm the best person he's ever known and caring for me the most out of anyone... but he's not sure he loves me or has during any point in our marriage. And has continually lied his ass off to me like he does with everyone else.
Anyway, nothing is changing as far as my plans. Divorce, move to NYC. With or without him.
Things are definitely more likely without him. I'm not going to keep him around for his sake. There has to be enough in it for me and as I've said before I'm promising nothing past the next 5 minutes. So far as the days go by I'm seeing less and less in it for me.
It may sound to others like I'm holding on to something or that I'm still attached in a love sort of way and waffling... I can assure you that's not the case. I don't love him anymore, not after all I've learned. I'm not rethinking the divorce or thinking that we'll ever have what I thought we had. It's utilitarian now... he's useful. Plus, I do hope that he someday fixes this about himself whether or not I still know him if/when he does. I don't hate him, I wish him well, I hope someday he can be okay. But I'm no longer connected and in love and looking forward with him.
I have plans for my life, and he may be lucky enough to tag along.
Monday I went and talked to my therapist (well, he's not really like a regular therapist to me... he's the therapist I like at the VA and used to see, so when I wanted to talk to someone I requested him). That was really good. He's a nice guy and good at his job, he listened and gave me some good stuff to think about. He also got me a same-day meds appointment where I was squeezed in to a new psychdoc a few hours later.
It meant another 80 minute round-trip to Temple that day, but it was worth it. She gave me Ambien and the first quick-acting anxiety medication that any doctor has given me ever. Of over 10 years of panic attacks. I get the constant impression I'm considered drug-seeking whenever I've asked for that sort of thing (and in general, sigh) but this lady took me seriously and prescribed.
Haven't needed to use any yet, while I've had anger and upset the past couple days I've not had huge anxiety rushes where I need drugging lol.
We had a long talk Monday, Chael and I. More horribleness. Not an ugly conversation or anything, just hurtful... More angles to what I already knew, new aspects of the lying and stuff.
Then we went to his therapist on Tuesday... and I have no idea what is going on in his head. The denial, the lying, the bizarre twist on memories discussed... it's unreal.
And, of course, he's been lying to me in the ways I've caught him this couple or so weeks plus the subjective things I couldn't directly catch him in.
All.Day.Long. he lies. Constantly. To everybody. It's really sick. As in, not well... not...right in the head.
Again, I caught him out several times in front of the therapist.
I get the direct impression the therapist has no idea what to do with him, either. Good guy, but this is not a "So, what is stressing you out and triggering your depression with work? How is that doing?" sort of thing that Chael was sent to him for.
And it may very well be the case that these past 15 years Chael hasn't loved me. He's currently trying to figure out whether he has or does at all or not. No solid word yet.
His "homework" for therapy is to figure out what he actually feels about anyone ever and in what ways, then in theory the doc will work with him from there on those details and why he lies and fakes with everyone he comes into contact with.
I told him that Dr. Roger's (my therapist from the other day) thinks it would be best if he moved out and that while I don't have to do it immediately, that's the case in his opinion. I'm inclined to agree. I don't know what's wrong with Chael or if it can ever be fixed, I'm divorcing him, and it just hurts as I keep watching him lie to me.
Not in that his new lies upset me... like I said, I'm at a point of emotion and acceptance where it just doesn't matter. But finding out and re-affirming old ones... twists my insides.
There will never be flowers again. No holding hands. No cuddles before bed.
He wants to stay with me, he thinks I'm wonderful, he wants to continue to serve me... but he doesn't really care about losing me.
Dr. Roger's suggested that when I feel like this or when I start getting super-angry to try and think about what good has come from the marriage, the experience of it.
I can't really think of anything as far as the relationship itself goes. I had some very nice times with Chael... things we've done together, sweetnesses we shared and that I loved... but they weren't real. He lied all through them. For the most part they were manipulations he says. They were just part of the way he shows a fake personality to everyone.
So what am I supposed to take away from that? Other relationships that have ended, whether rough or not, have had things I learned from them... things I brought out of them as good experiences, happy memories... things I learned I wanted or didn't want in the future.
But what do you get when all your happy memories were faked by the other person? When you never even knew who they really were, felt, or thought all those years?
What do you take away when all you can say that you learned is what you already knew: that no one ever really knows anyone. That like I've pointed out to others for decades now, starting before this marriage, you can know someone for years or, as a parent, their entire life and still find out one day that you don't know them at all or that they have been doing horrible things you would never suspect of them like pedophilia or skinning kittens or raping and eating joggers they abduct or whatever. Because that does happen to people.
And then it happened to me. Irony.
So far the only good thing I've been able to salvage in my mind about this relationship isn't actually about the relationship... it's that due to being married to him I got to go to Germany to live and traveled all over Europe on my own.
That, and Pixel and Jonesy. I wouldn't have had those two particular wonderful kitties in my life if we'd not been married and we'd gotten them for me.
So Europe travel and two cats. 15+ years together and that's the total so far.
The endless lying. I watch it with him when speaking to others, when speaking to me. Not just his words... it's... his whole self. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice... he sounds normal. There isn't the mismatch that most people tend to have if they lie more than the occasional social-lubricant type. It's sad, for both me AND him... I can't imagine living like that, not being yourself ever.
Everybody lies to some extent... from major to little tiny politenesses, depending on the person and what is going on with them. I don't know how to express that this is not that. There is nothing he says about himself or that he does with others that can be trusted, because he will and does lie about any and all of it.
Again, it's not a malicious thing. His intent is not to hurt others or to be mean to people. He just wants them to think well of him and he doesn't care what he has to do or tell them to make them do so. Even when he knows it can or does hurt them.
He sat down next to my bed and with tears in his eyes asked me not to go. Told me he was not okay and that he wanted me to stay.
Then later admitted he's not particularly upset about any of this.
He wasn't doing it to try and be a bastard to me, he just wants me to stick around so he'll fake emotions to get me to.
How sick is that?
Thankfully, for my heart and mind, I didn't believe a word of it when he said it.
The only thing I trust out of him nowadays is that he does what he's told the majority of the time, like before. Tell him to clean the kitchen: he does. Tell him I want him to get X from the grocery on his way home: he does.
It may be he's honestly not capable of more emotion than what I'm finding, again towards me or anyone. He expresses thinking I'm the best person he's ever known and caring for me the most out of anyone... but he's not sure he loves me or has during any point in our marriage. And has continually lied his ass off to me like he does with everyone else.
Anyway, nothing is changing as far as my plans. Divorce, move to NYC. With or without him.
Things are definitely more likely without him. I'm not going to keep him around for his sake. There has to be enough in it for me and as I've said before I'm promising nothing past the next 5 minutes. So far as the days go by I'm seeing less and less in it for me.
It may sound to others like I'm holding on to something or that I'm still attached in a love sort of way and waffling... I can assure you that's not the case. I don't love him anymore, not after all I've learned. I'm not rethinking the divorce or thinking that we'll ever have what I thought we had. It's utilitarian now... he's useful. Plus, I do hope that he someday fixes this about himself whether or not I still know him if/when he does. I don't hate him, I wish him well, I hope someday he can be okay. But I'm no longer connected and in love and looking forward with him.
I have plans for my life, and he may be lucky enough to tag along.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Sigh
Grilling him over something last night he admitted that that other night when I thought I might have to go to the hospital because I was so upset and feeling unhealthy? He'd not been concerned and thought I was just being dramatic with telling him I might need to go to the ER and my symptoms and stuff.
I can't even be mad at this point over that. He said it and I had that moment of a mental, "seriously?" in a slight disbelieving tone, and then just "whatever" with a moving-on mood and frame of mind. I think about it now and it just helps to let me know I'm making the right decision with the divorce. It doesn't hurt, it's just kinda annoying and stupid.
He's expressing how he loves me and doesn't want me to go and really cares about how hard this is being on me and that he's hurt me... and yeah, he's admitting to giving a rat's ass at other times in just the last couple of week... on my worst day... when I told him I might have to go to the ER for it he thought I was blowing it out of proportion.
16 years together, a little more of knowing each other, 15+ years of being married.
I think I've been to the ER 5 or 6 times with him. 3 of those times were actually and literally life-threatening. 1 time that was a very extreme issue but not life-threatening that landed me in the hospital, 1 was because I cut my thumb about half off. 1 was because I was ordered to by my Army superiors because I was having nausea/vomiting issue during training. 1 was a night where I was having a very difficult time breathing. I might've forgotten one, I'm not sure... but you get the idea. I think I might've gone for something more minor, probably, at some point.
I am not someone who gets a sniffle or an every-day panic attack and goes to the hospital. Generally, I have to be bleeding or think I might die (and I've usually been right on that part) to go.
I do a lot of googling health worries, check all my meds online before taking them, and ask others when I think something with me is odd... but I don't go to the ER easily.
Remember recently trying to ignore what turned out to be an emergency-surgery bowel issue?
He knows this.
He thought I was just being dramatic about it.
eyeroll
But yeah, not angry or hurt by this point of view. It's just a "yeahhhh, whatever" reaction now.
And a bit after that I gave up interrogating him trying to get him to tell me the truth on the thingy last night. Again, as I said before that it would probably be and I told him last night - I really don't care enough at this point to put myself through that. I eventually just did a mental (and I believe physical) shrug and just went on with my night.
Other things still hurt a lot. I try not to think of them.
I forgot/put off getting athlete's foot cream for me yesterday so when he offered to go out and get some for me last night after we got home from D&D I said for him to go. I read while he went to the store and had him put it on my toes when he got back, then I fell asleep hard.
I'm gonna go look at apartments in New York City again.
I can't even be mad at this point over that. He said it and I had that moment of a mental, "seriously?" in a slight disbelieving tone, and then just "whatever" with a moving-on mood and frame of mind. I think about it now and it just helps to let me know I'm making the right decision with the divorce. It doesn't hurt, it's just kinda annoying and stupid.
He's expressing how he loves me and doesn't want me to go and really cares about how hard this is being on me and that he's hurt me... and yeah, he's admitting to giving a rat's ass at other times in just the last couple of week... on my worst day... when I told him I might have to go to the ER for it he thought I was blowing it out of proportion.
16 years together, a little more of knowing each other, 15+ years of being married.
I think I've been to the ER 5 or 6 times with him. 3 of those times were actually and literally life-threatening. 1 time that was a very extreme issue but not life-threatening that landed me in the hospital, 1 was because I cut my thumb about half off. 1 was because I was ordered to by my Army superiors because I was having nausea/vomiting issue during training. 1 was a night where I was having a very difficult time breathing. I might've forgotten one, I'm not sure... but you get the idea. I think I might've gone for something more minor, probably, at some point.
I am not someone who gets a sniffle or an every-day panic attack and goes to the hospital. Generally, I have to be bleeding or think I might die (and I've usually been right on that part) to go.
I do a lot of googling health worries, check all my meds online before taking them, and ask others when I think something with me is odd... but I don't go to the ER easily.
Remember recently trying to ignore what turned out to be an emergency-surgery bowel issue?
He knows this.
He thought I was just being dramatic about it.
eyeroll
But yeah, not angry or hurt by this point of view. It's just a "yeahhhh, whatever" reaction now.
And a bit after that I gave up interrogating him trying to get him to tell me the truth on the thingy last night. Again, as I said before that it would probably be and I told him last night - I really don't care enough at this point to put myself through that. I eventually just did a mental (and I believe physical) shrug and just went on with my night.
Other things still hurt a lot. I try not to think of them.
I forgot/put off getting athlete's foot cream for me yesterday so when he offered to go out and get some for me last night after we got home from D&D I said for him to go. I read while he went to the store and had him put it on my toes when he got back, then I fell asleep hard.
I'm gonna go look at apartments in New York City again.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
HEB, Urges to Punch, Foot Stuff, Whatever
After seeing the lawyer yesterday I was speaking with Chael in his room.... told him I feel like deep down he doesn't really believe I'm divorcing him in seriousness. He expressed that no, he doesn't, but that he thinks he may be starting to.
We played D&D with the folks I've mentioned before. It was a fun night with them. Nightmare getting my food delivered there and never ended up getting to eat because the delivery place couldn't get my order right the two times they showed up in the 3 hours I waited. But, whatever. The game itself was good.
Then Chael and I hit the new HEB to actually shop on the way home (we'd went earlier to just check it out as it opened for the first time yesterday, but the place was too insane to try and actually buy anything... they had a full parking lot and police at all the nearby intersections to control traffic to it). I got a whole bunch of dirty little vegan hippy food. Protein and healthy yummies. The old store had none such, it's awesome to have raw and vegan-protein foods just down the street now.
I had a couple urges in the store to just punch him upside the head out of no where.
I didn't.
But I had the urges.
He went a few times to casually touch me like he used to when we were okay. I've described how such make me feel now. I dodged each time and he apologized.
We went home and put things away. I got all ready for bed while he watched (angling my bed up, putting the laptop over on the stand so I can run TV shows on it to sleep to, etc.) and we both made our way to settling down to sleep. I got covered up and curled up and comfortable. He walked around the house a bit to take his insulin and stuff before going to his room.
My toes itched between them in a way that made me concerned about athlete's foot. So as he was walking across my doorway through the hall I yelled for him and had him put anti stuff on my feet and between my toes while I laid covered up in bed on my stomach with my feet sticking out of the end of the blankets to him.
Having him do something that I specifically order as service rather than a romantic-relationship-touch I can handle as long as it's limited. He started taking a little more time putting stuff on my one foot and I almost pulled it out of his reach and kicked him in the chest in one move, but before it came to that he changed which foot he was working on.
Then we both settled down in our own beds and passed out.
We talked a little this morning after we both woke up, me sitting in bed, him sitting on the floor next to it. Just casual stuff about how we slept and stuff. He asked if I wanted a bagel for breakfast, I agreed and he made me one.
He then went off and did his own stuff. Currently asleep in his room.
I've been bumming around the internet talking to people, doing email and posting and stuff. Seeing a lot of things that upset me due to what's happened with us plus a dose of disability issues discussion. I try to skip threads I find make me at all uncomfortable about things right now, but a couple I responded to.
Unrelated - or maybe it was a delayed reaction - I was looking at other stuff and I started getting angry again. I mean that building anger, not just the general "you bastard" bitter state I stay in. Then it crashed into sadness. I'm leaving it at that and not describing it, I'm gonna go distract myself.
Plans are 3pm D&D. It's a little after 1pm right now.
We played D&D with the folks I've mentioned before. It was a fun night with them. Nightmare getting my food delivered there and never ended up getting to eat because the delivery place couldn't get my order right the two times they showed up in the 3 hours I waited. But, whatever. The game itself was good.
Then Chael and I hit the new HEB to actually shop on the way home (we'd went earlier to just check it out as it opened for the first time yesterday, but the place was too insane to try and actually buy anything... they had a full parking lot and police at all the nearby intersections to control traffic to it). I got a whole bunch of dirty little vegan hippy food. Protein and healthy yummies. The old store had none such, it's awesome to have raw and vegan-protein foods just down the street now.
I had a couple urges in the store to just punch him upside the head out of no where.
I didn't.
But I had the urges.
He went a few times to casually touch me like he used to when we were okay. I've described how such make me feel now. I dodged each time and he apologized.
We went home and put things away. I got all ready for bed while he watched (angling my bed up, putting the laptop over on the stand so I can run TV shows on it to sleep to, etc.) and we both made our way to settling down to sleep. I got covered up and curled up and comfortable. He walked around the house a bit to take his insulin and stuff before going to his room.
My toes itched between them in a way that made me concerned about athlete's foot. So as he was walking across my doorway through the hall I yelled for him and had him put anti stuff on my feet and between my toes while I laid covered up in bed on my stomach with my feet sticking out of the end of the blankets to him.
Having him do something that I specifically order as service rather than a romantic-relationship-touch I can handle as long as it's limited. He started taking a little more time putting stuff on my one foot and I almost pulled it out of his reach and kicked him in the chest in one move, but before it came to that he changed which foot he was working on.
Then we both settled down in our own beds and passed out.
We talked a little this morning after we both woke up, me sitting in bed, him sitting on the floor next to it. Just casual stuff about how we slept and stuff. He asked if I wanted a bagel for breakfast, I agreed and he made me one.
He then went off and did his own stuff. Currently asleep in his room.
I've been bumming around the internet talking to people, doing email and posting and stuff. Seeing a lot of things that upset me due to what's happened with us plus a dose of disability issues discussion. I try to skip threads I find make me at all uncomfortable about things right now, but a couple I responded to.
Unrelated - or maybe it was a delayed reaction - I was looking at other stuff and I started getting angry again. I mean that building anger, not just the general "you bastard" bitter state I stay in. Then it crashed into sadness. I'm leaving it at that and not describing it, I'm gonna go distract myself.
Plans are 3pm D&D. It's a little after 1pm right now.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Oh God
I feel like crying and I think I may be having a bit of a panic attack. I'm upset and it's hard to breath and tight in my chest due to an emotion, not physical issue. Yes, I think this is an official panic attack though it's in a different flavor than I'm used to.
Yesterday Chael and I worked during the evening on the divorce paperwork the lawyer's office emailed me. I did most of it, but had to keep asking him details on it. When he got home last night from work I asked him if he could stay home today and work with me on making all the calls to places we had to get account details on and other stuff that I couldn't do myself as they are some in only his name.
Today at 4pm I see the lawyer to turn it in and ask some questions and put down my retainer.
Those have been yesterday and will be today and I'm having a hard time breathing.
Last night before he went to bed Chael stood in the livingroom while I was sitting there and did his little happy-dance he does randomly at times when he's in a good mood.
I wasn't hurt by it, at this point only memories really hurt, but I did point out to him that he was acting just fine when he's also professing to love me so much and be so upset I'm divorcing him and doesn't want to lose me and such. He agreed he was.
I just want to cry I'm so stressed and 15 years of marriage, 16 years of what I thought was love is ended. He gets caught in about a lie or more a day, it just depends on how often and much we happen to speak that day. Unbelievable what this has all meant, what that mega-lie I found out is and how it all ties together.
I can't stand for him to touch me. When he hands me something and our fingers touch or his arm brushes me or something it repulses me. Literally, my stomach clenches and I just feel a sense of revulsion and bitterness and my body tries to get away before I even think about it really.
I'm keeping it together for the most part, as mentioned before. I crack now and then for a bit - like just a minute ago I had to take a break to bawl for a few moments - but I'm trying to keep things amiable and it's just not in my nature to go into a raving-bitch-mode.
I'm treating this divorce largely as a job to be done, a problem to solve.
After feeling kind of bad for listing Jonesy as having no worth on our splitting-property-questionnaire (not because I was unhappy that my cat isn't money valuable, but because it just felt so rude) I did some googling to find out if he had any money value as Snowshoes actually are rather desirable to an extent, but as I said before Jonesy is Definitely Not Show Quality. He's beautiful and has all the typical traits except he his color pattern is considered of less value than other patterns better quality Snowshoes have. Plus, he's 15 frickin' years old. But I figured what the hell, it's free to search the internet... holy crap. If he were a kitten or show quality he'd be worth anything from a lot of a whole fucking lot, but as he's 15 and not at anywhere near show quality he's still of no monetary value.
But I so love him, so it felt bad putting that on a form.
The short crying session has eased up the panic attack. It's now down to more manageable levels, not gone but I feel better than I did. Turned out I just needed to do some releasing of garbage.
I could kick Chael in the face right now.
I won't. But at the moment the idea sounds so good.
He should be home soon from doing his PT duties. He doesn't actually have PT this morning but instead had to help out the detail doing road-guard for it as the First Sergeant didn't have a truck and they didn't know if the detail minions did at all so Chael agreed to use his truck with them (they need to put out barriers and stuff and then take them back in afterwards).
I'm gonna call Dr. Roger's as soon as I think VA Mental Health will be open. This is gonna be one rough day if this start has shown anything. Woke up at about 4:15 and couldn't go back to sleep, have been eating terrible terrible food for me, panic attack, and that's all before 8am.
But yeah. Chael's lies. Chael's constant lying. Still lying.
He's been lying to me since before we got married. To get me to marry him.
Again, it's some consolation that it's not a case of us just having some phenomenonally fucked up relationship. At least it's not just a case of me, but with everyone all the time.
(about 30 or so minutes passes)
Talked to the really good therapist on the phone at the VA that I've seen in the past. It turns out my appointment with him isn't next Friday but is instead Monday morning, so yay.
Time to start on the rest of the division of property paperwork that needs done today.
Yesterday Chael and I worked during the evening on the divorce paperwork the lawyer's office emailed me. I did most of it, but had to keep asking him details on it. When he got home last night from work I asked him if he could stay home today and work with me on making all the calls to places we had to get account details on and other stuff that I couldn't do myself as they are some in only his name.
Today at 4pm I see the lawyer to turn it in and ask some questions and put down my retainer.
Those have been yesterday and will be today and I'm having a hard time breathing.
Last night before he went to bed Chael stood in the livingroom while I was sitting there and did his little happy-dance he does randomly at times when he's in a good mood.
I wasn't hurt by it, at this point only memories really hurt, but I did point out to him that he was acting just fine when he's also professing to love me so much and be so upset I'm divorcing him and doesn't want to lose me and such. He agreed he was.
I just want to cry I'm so stressed and 15 years of marriage, 16 years of what I thought was love is ended. He gets caught in about a lie or more a day, it just depends on how often and much we happen to speak that day. Unbelievable what this has all meant, what that mega-lie I found out is and how it all ties together.
I can't stand for him to touch me. When he hands me something and our fingers touch or his arm brushes me or something it repulses me. Literally, my stomach clenches and I just feel a sense of revulsion and bitterness and my body tries to get away before I even think about it really.
I'm keeping it together for the most part, as mentioned before. I crack now and then for a bit - like just a minute ago I had to take a break to bawl for a few moments - but I'm trying to keep things amiable and it's just not in my nature to go into a raving-bitch-mode.
I'm treating this divorce largely as a job to be done, a problem to solve.
After feeling kind of bad for listing Jonesy as having no worth on our splitting-property-questionnaire (not because I was unhappy that my cat isn't money valuable, but because it just felt so rude) I did some googling to find out if he had any money value as Snowshoes actually are rather desirable to an extent, but as I said before Jonesy is Definitely Not Show Quality. He's beautiful and has all the typical traits except he his color pattern is considered of less value than other patterns better quality Snowshoes have. Plus, he's 15 frickin' years old. But I figured what the hell, it's free to search the internet... holy crap. If he were a kitten or show quality he'd be worth anything from a lot of a whole fucking lot, but as he's 15 and not at anywhere near show quality he's still of no monetary value.
But I so love him, so it felt bad putting that on a form.
The short crying session has eased up the panic attack. It's now down to more manageable levels, not gone but I feel better than I did. Turned out I just needed to do some releasing of garbage.
I could kick Chael in the face right now.
I won't. But at the moment the idea sounds so good.
He should be home soon from doing his PT duties. He doesn't actually have PT this morning but instead had to help out the detail doing road-guard for it as the First Sergeant didn't have a truck and they didn't know if the detail minions did at all so Chael agreed to use his truck with them (they need to put out barriers and stuff and then take them back in afterwards).
I'm gonna call Dr. Roger's as soon as I think VA Mental Health will be open. This is gonna be one rough day if this start has shown anything. Woke up at about 4:15 and couldn't go back to sleep, have been eating terrible terrible food for me, panic attack, and that's all before 8am.
But yeah. Chael's lies. Chael's constant lying. Still lying.
He's been lying to me since before we got married. To get me to marry him.
Again, it's some consolation that it's not a case of us just having some phenomenonally fucked up relationship. At least it's not just a case of me, but with everyone all the time.
(about 30 or so minutes passes)
Talked to the really good therapist on the phone at the VA that I've seen in the past. It turns out my appointment with him isn't next Friday but is instead Monday morning, so yay.
Time to start on the rest of the division of property paperwork that needs done today.
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