Caught him using a phrase he expresses is about respect as being a new way of trying to shut me up when he wants a conversation to end that is uncomfortable for him. It's something I now know he's been doing to me for years. Something he does to lie to me about his actual thoughts on something and to manipulate me into thinking different things about him and us and the situation.
I called him out on it. Instead, of course, of admitting he was doing it or telling me what he really thought or anything, you know, honest he started lying and lying and lying to me.
I mean, really obviously contradicting statements over and over, back to back.
For 20-30 minutes this went on as I tried to get him to admit ANYTHING honest. Whether I liked the truth or not. I've made it clear repeatedly and during this conversation that he would be better off telling me something I hated to hear than to keep obviously lying his ass off.
And it's 100% true. It would have been so much better for both of us if he just had replied honestly at the start... or even just earlier in the interrogation. I can handle hearing something that pisses me off but is true from him. That won't get him punished. That we can work out amicably because I am not someone that needs a partner to agree with me all the time. And all of that is something he should know about me by now and that I have straight-out told him as a reminder this past week and a half.
But he lies and lies because that's what he does. To me, to everyone. Over everything, all the time.
How many lies I catch him in a day -to me or to others- just varies by how much time we spend talking.
Dammit, and I just realized that he *did* manage to get me off the original uncomfortable (but not ugly or anything) topic it started with.
urgghghghghghghghghg
So yeah, punishment.
I hate punishment. I can't see me putting up with it for much longer as I just find it unpleasant to deal with. I feel bad for it. Like I said, I'm sure there's some karmic balancing for me in it.
Not that all will be peachy and he'll be let off the hook, I mean I'll just say "fuck it, nevermind, I'm not even bothering with this with you".
Friday is payday and starting things with the lawyer, officially. I gotta talk more with him about the details on Chael getting medically retired. It may come back to contractual alimony.
Unless things unexpectedly take a turn for the ugly, things should be pretty smooth splitting up belongings and money and stuff. We each have long had an understanding on our personal items and specific things in the house (for example, the couch is mine as I entirely paid for it. The wine fridges are mine and while he likes us having them, he doesn't want or need them after the divorce. Our cars are our own. The house he bought is entirely his. Etc.). I'm not going to separate out our joint Wells Fargo account until it's closer to the divorce finishing as we're living together and we need that arrangement to pay the rent and such smoothly.
I'm back to logging on MyFitnessPal each day. Just started yesterday again. And yeah, my body is back to losing weight after a long plateau. Like I've said elsewhere and earlier, if this is where my body decides to stay I'm a-ok. I'm really happy with the results of the bypass and all the working out and stuff. I'm so much healthier now, I hurt so much less. But it just never ceases to amaze me that people repeat and repeat and repeat the calories-in/calories-out thing and I spent about 12-13yrs at different levels of calorie deficits while working with doctors and trainers and gained 180 pounds during it... then can still work out for months, after a gastric bypass, at a deficit and sit at the same weight and measurements.
But whatever, plateau finally seems broken, my tummy is all healed (the weird thing that incision was doing has stopped again and it looks all happy and now does that healing-itchy thing, so I'm feeling pretty good about it), and it's back to the gym! Wheeeee!
I'm not re-starting Grit, though, until I've been doing regular classes for at least a month, though. Grit is horrible and good for me, but it's so intense I really can't do it after taking a month off. I need to build back up to that.
I'm wandering.
Delta House and general internet silliness has been keeping me distracted most of the time now. I really am getting little done in the real-world this past week. Oh boy have my daily priorities shifted... It's mostly about finding things to make me giggle around here now.
Drinking some happy tea.
Oh, and Chael totally almost got punched in the face earlier today - not the whole thing mentioned above. Earlier in the day I was on YouTube and there was a video that involved same-sex marriage... at the point of proposal I cried and had this intense urge. I didn't, cuz that's not what I'm like, but the desire was there. As is my usual way, I calmed down and moved on.
Jonesy is sleeping between my legs as I'm laying on my stomach typing this. I love him so much.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Public Control and CatDom
He's lucky he said that to me in public.
No, not lucky. Intentional. He knows that the likelyhood of me flipping my shit in public is almost nil. In the 16+ years we've known each other it's happened once and that was due to a health issue involved that pushed me over the edge.
And that was about 14 or so years ago.
Oh, I disagree with people, I sometimes but rarely get angry with people; but I keep control and deal with it in publicly acceptable tones.
He knows this, he used this.
We went to sushi (yes, we went out to eat together, we're being as polite and amicable as I'm capable of right now) at a place where they know us from our going for the past 2 years now and then... so not only is it in public, but there are people who know me there.
We order, the owner/waitress walks away... and he looks directly across at me and asks, "are you taking me to New York with you?".
I had a split-second of shock, then the disgust and anger started to build. I ratcheted down the control on myself. I knew he was doing this at that moment because he knew he was safe from my harsher responses in public, he knows what I told him less than a week ago about whether or not he's coming to NYC with me or not, he and I both know that in asking that and in that tone that he's trying to push and manipulate me into making a soft-hearted decision right then on having him come with me.
I breathed. I fisted my hands and relaxed them repeatedly. I kept my face from looking beyond regular-angry-person.
When ready, I made sure he knew that he wasn't fucking with me. I in a controlled but good-thing-we're-in-public level of anger reminded him of what I told him were my terms less than a week ago, told him frankly and simply how I felt about where the responsibility in all this laid, made it clear that I knew he was using the safety of being public and trying to manipulate me. I stayed firm and strong and my boundaries in place and through contained aggression made him admit what he was trying to pull.
That was handled.
He asked another question I felt we had settled. I reassured him that it was very settled.
We moved on and my anger and my body tension went down a good bit.
Then we stopped over to Walmart to buy a new semi-cheap printer as ours died a while back and I was sick of going to the library to print things the past 2 weeks, plus I needed a new heart rate and calories exercise monitor.
This was our first time out doing this there since the Big Reveal last week. We usually step out of the car/truck, start walking towards the store where we meet up side by side and one of us reaches for the other one's hand when we get even to each other or a little before. This, of course, didn't happen this time.
Then, I have a long habit in such stores, and especially at this one as we've been living here for a couple years, of walking a bit behind him as he pushes the cart and watching his feet in his unlaced boots and his calves in his jeans as he walks and thinking how much I love how much bigger than me he is. Feeling how that used to be so familiar and so happy for me every time...
...I burst out crying in the kitchen utensils aisle.
Chael noticed and stopped and said some things that I don't believe he means.
I pulled myself together and we went on shopping. It wasn't a long outburst and not a lot of people around or anything... it was in a, thankfully, dead area. But oh god.
Anger, kept in check, didn't kill or rave in public.
But apparently bawling in the utensil aisle is on table.
rolls eyes
Anyhoo, we got the new monitor thingy and a printer, checked out. On the ride out he asked if I wanted to do a drive-by on the big new HEB they are opening on the 1st right near Walmart, I said sure. We cruised by and it looks pretty bad-ass.
Made our way home.
We had another exchange where I kept myself in check but my blood pressure built. Nothing like the other night. No, no, no. But enough that I got a bit light-headed.
No lying I could catch him in. He said things I know he's lied about in the past and I don't believe are true now... but I can't prove they are lies. So I had to leave it at "I'm not believing a word, it's going to be ugly if/when I catch you in this, but I'm dropping it for now" status.
Again, moved on with our day.
I set up the new printer with a little of his help. He's bumming around the house out there while I'm here in my room doing my own thing.
Happy to have a functional printer again. On doing our storage space the other night I found a big bunch of my doodles and stuff from over the years so I'm going to be scanning them a bit at a time to add to my art blog. I'd thought I had lost all that and was pleased to have recovered it. Oh, that may not make a lot of sense together... the printer is also a scanner. The old one was, too, but the printer part didn't work anymore. I need the printer part for other things. Ironically, the Social Security site doesn't work on the library's computer-printer system. To get my proof of income letter and request form for a new card I have to do it elsewhere. So, among other uses, home printer again.
I think I've discovered another way Jonesy has trained me to pet him on command. I've randomly wondered about it on and off for years, but he's done it a few times this week - the past three days, in fact.
Now, he's always done the direct thing like nudges and such. He also will walk up to you and start purring in advance to let you know he wants petted. Okay, clear communication there, fair enough.
What have I put together as training?
Jonesy has a thing about eating plastic. I have been dealing with this issue for his entire life. Another 15 year thing. He had to have surgery to get string and plastic out of his bowels once because they got twisted up from them and almost died. I have tried the basic things that make sense like not having random plastic stuff easily in reach... like when coming in from the grocery I don't set bag on the floor to unload them (because I *have* looked down at a sound and seen him chewing on one as I'm putting the groceries away). We no longer line our bathroom trash can with plastic bags because he will eat them.
Things like that.
Then, as he was getting into cupboards to eat the plastic off things like the toiletpaper roll bundle I put child safety locks on all the lower cupboards.
This kept me out, didn't keep him out. I couldn't get into the bathroom sink cupboard for the 3 or so months we had them on there without help. I finally just took them off because I was sitting peeing one day, Jonesy walks in and in front of me pops the door I can't get open, open... and starts eating the towelpaper bundle.
So, it's been on for years.
With this kind of back story in place, I've become immediately and intensely aware of the Jonesy's-chewing-plastic sound over the years.
Back to how he's trained me and how I caught it this morning in particular...
...he tries to get me up when I'm sleeping to pet him quite often. He does it a LOT in the mornings. He's been doing it a SUPER LOT this week.
The pattern: Jonesy pushes, nudges, grabs, and purrs at me to get me to wake up and pet him a bit. I do, then start ignoring him and fall back asleep. This happens again. And again. Until I just ignore him and start rolling away from him.
Then I hear him chewing on plastic and immediately come awake and yell at/for him to make him stop.
He comes running, jumps on the bed, and I pet him a bit. Then I go back to sleep.
Then I hear him chewing on plastic and immediately come awake and yell at/for him to make him stop.
He comes running, jumps on the bed, and I pet him a bit. Then I go back to sleep.
This happened 6 times this morning until I gave up and got up.
And I went, "huh. hmmmmmm".
Where is the plastic in this case? I bought some odds and ends socks and whatnots a bit ago and instead of putting them all away as I should, this week I've been totally not productive basically as I'm just... well... let's say not giving a fuck due to other life matters. Clothing organization is far down the list of caring at the moment. So, the shopping bag is hanging from my closet door by its handle.
I know Jonesy can reach it. That's 100% me being a bad owner and I fixed it.
But yeah. Jonesy has been using my yelling at him to stop doing something that harms him to trick me into petting him more in the morning.
He is so in control of this house.
Jonesy has me trained. He definitely has Chael trained, as I've talked about in the past.... oh, and as that started out with one of these a day: soft food, catnip, brooming, or snacky-snacks, is now all of those each day plus extras of some of them. On his demand. From Chael.
And this week, from me to.
He looks and acts and seems like this skittish, somewhat needy, absolute sweetheart of a cat but he's totally bending us to his will.
lol.
Well, Chael informs me there's a Frasier marathon on the TV. It's one of the few sitcom sort of TV shows I like, it's a favorite and I need regular funnies this week (was giggling my ass off to Delta Chat today, thanks Dixie for being a great target for all). I'm going to go watch it for a while til I start getting sleepy.
No, not lucky. Intentional. He knows that the likelyhood of me flipping my shit in public is almost nil. In the 16+ years we've known each other it's happened once and that was due to a health issue involved that pushed me over the edge.
And that was about 14 or so years ago.
Oh, I disagree with people, I sometimes but rarely get angry with people; but I keep control and deal with it in publicly acceptable tones.
He knows this, he used this.
We went to sushi (yes, we went out to eat together, we're being as polite and amicable as I'm capable of right now) at a place where they know us from our going for the past 2 years now and then... so not only is it in public, but there are people who know me there.
We order, the owner/waitress walks away... and he looks directly across at me and asks, "are you taking me to New York with you?".
I had a split-second of shock, then the disgust and anger started to build. I ratcheted down the control on myself. I knew he was doing this at that moment because he knew he was safe from my harsher responses in public, he knows what I told him less than a week ago about whether or not he's coming to NYC with me or not, he and I both know that in asking that and in that tone that he's trying to push and manipulate me into making a soft-hearted decision right then on having him come with me.
I breathed. I fisted my hands and relaxed them repeatedly. I kept my face from looking beyond regular-angry-person.
When ready, I made sure he knew that he wasn't fucking with me. I in a controlled but good-thing-we're-in-public level of anger reminded him of what I told him were my terms less than a week ago, told him frankly and simply how I felt about where the responsibility in all this laid, made it clear that I knew he was using the safety of being public and trying to manipulate me. I stayed firm and strong and my boundaries in place and through contained aggression made him admit what he was trying to pull.
That was handled.
He asked another question I felt we had settled. I reassured him that it was very settled.
We moved on and my anger and my body tension went down a good bit.
Then we stopped over to Walmart to buy a new semi-cheap printer as ours died a while back and I was sick of going to the library to print things the past 2 weeks, plus I needed a new heart rate and calories exercise monitor.
This was our first time out doing this there since the Big Reveal last week. We usually step out of the car/truck, start walking towards the store where we meet up side by side and one of us reaches for the other one's hand when we get even to each other or a little before. This, of course, didn't happen this time.
Then, I have a long habit in such stores, and especially at this one as we've been living here for a couple years, of walking a bit behind him as he pushes the cart and watching his feet in his unlaced boots and his calves in his jeans as he walks and thinking how much I love how much bigger than me he is. Feeling how that used to be so familiar and so happy for me every time...
...I burst out crying in the kitchen utensils aisle.
Chael noticed and stopped and said some things that I don't believe he means.
I pulled myself together and we went on shopping. It wasn't a long outburst and not a lot of people around or anything... it was in a, thankfully, dead area. But oh god.
Anger, kept in check, didn't kill or rave in public.
But apparently bawling in the utensil aisle is on table.
rolls eyes
Anyhoo, we got the new monitor thingy and a printer, checked out. On the ride out he asked if I wanted to do a drive-by on the big new HEB they are opening on the 1st right near Walmart, I said sure. We cruised by and it looks pretty bad-ass.
Made our way home.
We had another exchange where I kept myself in check but my blood pressure built. Nothing like the other night. No, no, no. But enough that I got a bit light-headed.
No lying I could catch him in. He said things I know he's lied about in the past and I don't believe are true now... but I can't prove they are lies. So I had to leave it at "I'm not believing a word, it's going to be ugly if/when I catch you in this, but I'm dropping it for now" status.
Again, moved on with our day.
I set up the new printer with a little of his help. He's bumming around the house out there while I'm here in my room doing my own thing.
Happy to have a functional printer again. On doing our storage space the other night I found a big bunch of my doodles and stuff from over the years so I'm going to be scanning them a bit at a time to add to my art blog. I'd thought I had lost all that and was pleased to have recovered it. Oh, that may not make a lot of sense together... the printer is also a scanner. The old one was, too, but the printer part didn't work anymore. I need the printer part for other things. Ironically, the Social Security site doesn't work on the library's computer-printer system. To get my proof of income letter and request form for a new card I have to do it elsewhere. So, among other uses, home printer again.
I think I've discovered another way Jonesy has trained me to pet him on command. I've randomly wondered about it on and off for years, but he's done it a few times this week - the past three days, in fact.
Now, he's always done the direct thing like nudges and such. He also will walk up to you and start purring in advance to let you know he wants petted. Okay, clear communication there, fair enough.
What have I put together as training?
Jonesy has a thing about eating plastic. I have been dealing with this issue for his entire life. Another 15 year thing. He had to have surgery to get string and plastic out of his bowels once because they got twisted up from them and almost died. I have tried the basic things that make sense like not having random plastic stuff easily in reach... like when coming in from the grocery I don't set bag on the floor to unload them (because I *have* looked down at a sound and seen him chewing on one as I'm putting the groceries away). We no longer line our bathroom trash can with plastic bags because he will eat them.
Things like that.
Then, as he was getting into cupboards to eat the plastic off things like the toiletpaper roll bundle I put child safety locks on all the lower cupboards.
This kept me out, didn't keep him out. I couldn't get into the bathroom sink cupboard for the 3 or so months we had them on there without help. I finally just took them off because I was sitting peeing one day, Jonesy walks in and in front of me pops the door I can't get open, open... and starts eating the towelpaper bundle.
So, it's been on for years.
With this kind of back story in place, I've become immediately and intensely aware of the Jonesy's-chewing-plastic sound over the years.
Back to how he's trained me and how I caught it this morning in particular...
...he tries to get me up when I'm sleeping to pet him quite often. He does it a LOT in the mornings. He's been doing it a SUPER LOT this week.
The pattern: Jonesy pushes, nudges, grabs, and purrs at me to get me to wake up and pet him a bit. I do, then start ignoring him and fall back asleep. This happens again. And again. Until I just ignore him and start rolling away from him.
Then I hear him chewing on plastic and immediately come awake and yell at/for him to make him stop.
He comes running, jumps on the bed, and I pet him a bit. Then I go back to sleep.
Then I hear him chewing on plastic and immediately come awake and yell at/for him to make him stop.
He comes running, jumps on the bed, and I pet him a bit. Then I go back to sleep.
This happened 6 times this morning until I gave up and got up.
And I went, "huh. hmmmmmm".
Where is the plastic in this case? I bought some odds and ends socks and whatnots a bit ago and instead of putting them all away as I should, this week I've been totally not productive basically as I'm just... well... let's say not giving a fuck due to other life matters. Clothing organization is far down the list of caring at the moment. So, the shopping bag is hanging from my closet door by its handle.
I know Jonesy can reach it. That's 100% me being a bad owner and I fixed it.
But yeah. Jonesy has been using my yelling at him to stop doing something that harms him to trick me into petting him more in the morning.
He is so in control of this house.
Jonesy has me trained. He definitely has Chael trained, as I've talked about in the past.... oh, and as that started out with one of these a day: soft food, catnip, brooming, or snacky-snacks, is now all of those each day plus extras of some of them. On his demand. From Chael.
And this week, from me to.
He looks and acts and seems like this skittish, somewhat needy, absolute sweetheart of a cat but he's totally bending us to his will.
lol.
Well, Chael informs me there's a Frasier marathon on the TV. It's one of the few sitcom sort of TV shows I like, it's a favorite and I need regular funnies this week (was giggling my ass off to Delta Chat today, thanks Dixie for being a great target for all). I'm going to go watch it for a while til I start getting sleepy.
Fetlife Random Trigger
Sigh.
So, when I've been on Fetlife the past week I've been avoiding reading or talking in threads that upset me (due to our problem and upcoming divorce). Logical, right? Sure.
Then yesterday there was a thread asking what your favorite meal was.
I laid here and thought about it, in front of my laptop, running through different stuff in memory and testing their tastes in my mouth to see what I liked best. To include years of stuff Chael has made me. I was doing fine thinking about the taste of foods.
This wasn't finding me my favorite, so I started searching around in general in my brain.
And it came to me what my favorite meal is: our Fall Anniversary set meal every year of (fake) duck with orange sauce, broccoli, and rice pilaf by candlelight. I love the taste of duck in orange sauce, it's something Chael introduced to me to start this anniversary celebration all those years ago... and I always loved so much that anniversary. That we had one for the day we met and became friends, that that was Chael's idea, that it was a bigger deal than our wedding anniversary because everything was based on that friendship that began and how after 16 years we are still best friends under it all. How romantic the last one was, talking about general things and specifically having a serious but sweet discussion of things we like about us and things we'd like to do better on this coming year.
This came to mind and I fell apart.
Just typing this now is hard but I'm keeping it together.
Endless lying since before we married. Since back when we were still beginning our friendship. How it turns out he's never been who I thought he was.
Had to take a break there and read online and chat with Delta as I did crack for a bit. I'm back together now.
I haven't talked personally with people really... I've made some posts some places that do talk about it, but I haven't chatted one-on-one with anybody as I've not been ready to handle the actual emotions around anyone yet. I don't tend to function and deal with things like that.... or like to show that side of me in most cases. I think I've reached where I'll talk to some Delta members about it now, though. Not everything, as said a few times before I think at least some things should always be kept behind Relationship Privacy boundaries... but at least about some of what I'm dealing with here and how I feel about it. Rather than my report-the-facts method I've been doing everywhere (and is my main way of dealing with unhappy things in life... except with Chael... so yeah).
Okay, yeah, another break had to be taken. Phwooo. I think it's gonna be "one of those days" as they put it.
As I've mentioned to folks last night, I've found out something excellent about NYC apartments that had been worrying me the past few months I've been doing move planning: I've been concerned about the size of these apartments listed. Then I was thinking about it when chatting with Delta and the size of my favorite barracks room came to mind and I tried to estimate its size... got a rough idea by comparing it to multiples of my public storage. Realized that I seem to be miss-imagining the size of the listed apartments.
So I went into the livingroom and asked Chael if we had a proper carpenter's style tape measure (I did not want to have to do this with the cloth one I use to measure me lol). Sure enough, he busted one out for me, I handed him the end and told him to "hold it against that wall". Measured the livingroom one way, switched sidewards and measured it that way... huh! Then I had us do the same with our kitchen and added them together.
250sq ft. Our bathroom measures about 36sq ft if the floorplans for it online are right (I didn't bother to actually measure it this time). So total that to 286sq ft. That's bigger and better equipped (a bonus of bathtub and full kitchen compared to only shower and making ramen in a coffee maker due to not being allowed even a hotplate) than my favorite barracks room.
300sq ft is fucking a luxurious amount of space just for me. Then add that the apartments in NYC that I've looked at in the past few months of my price range have tended to start at 500? That a little more than half again of the size space I can be comfy in!
Holy crap. Like I said in chat, I'll be living like a god in that much space! That's this apartment minus Chael's bedroom! And I really don't use our livingroom for anything other than walking through when I enter the house! I might sit on my couch to watch a tv show or movie once a week normally...
If I allow Chael to follow me to NYC after the divorce I'll try to make sure to have a 1 bedroom so I have my space away from him that is mine, mine, mine. If I don't let him, I could get a sweet studio and be happy.
Options.
So all this "Oh man... tiiinnnyyy" actual should have been "goddam that's big!" the whole time I've been looking.
In the middle of awful life does bring yays.
Meanwhile, I'm sure I'm wracking up horrible, horrible karma for Chael's punishments. Because I'm not sure how they count, karmically... BDSM play of any type I don't consider bad for universal balancing as even the mean stuff is consensual and everyone is - in some way, shape or form, somehow - enjoying the play or relationship structure.
I'm not so sure how these punishments add up or not. Because they *are* consensual... we did have a - very short - discussion on them starting to occur where he agreed... but I've got to be in some level of trouble for hitting someone in a way other than even-though-it-sucks-now-I-like-it-in-my-relationships or I-really-find-this-fun.
So, when I've been on Fetlife the past week I've been avoiding reading or talking in threads that upset me (due to our problem and upcoming divorce). Logical, right? Sure.
Then yesterday there was a thread asking what your favorite meal was.
I laid here and thought about it, in front of my laptop, running through different stuff in memory and testing their tastes in my mouth to see what I liked best. To include years of stuff Chael has made me. I was doing fine thinking about the taste of foods.
This wasn't finding me my favorite, so I started searching around in general in my brain.
And it came to me what my favorite meal is: our Fall Anniversary set meal every year of (fake) duck with orange sauce, broccoli, and rice pilaf by candlelight. I love the taste of duck in orange sauce, it's something Chael introduced to me to start this anniversary celebration all those years ago... and I always loved so much that anniversary. That we had one for the day we met and became friends, that that was Chael's idea, that it was a bigger deal than our wedding anniversary because everything was based on that friendship that began and how after 16 years we are still best friends under it all. How romantic the last one was, talking about general things and specifically having a serious but sweet discussion of things we like about us and things we'd like to do better on this coming year.
This came to mind and I fell apart.
Just typing this now is hard but I'm keeping it together.
Endless lying since before we married. Since back when we were still beginning our friendship. How it turns out he's never been who I thought he was.
Had to take a break there and read online and chat with Delta as I did crack for a bit. I'm back together now.
I haven't talked personally with people really... I've made some posts some places that do talk about it, but I haven't chatted one-on-one with anybody as I've not been ready to handle the actual emotions around anyone yet. I don't tend to function and deal with things like that.... or like to show that side of me in most cases. I think I've reached where I'll talk to some Delta members about it now, though. Not everything, as said a few times before I think at least some things should always be kept behind Relationship Privacy boundaries... but at least about some of what I'm dealing with here and how I feel about it. Rather than my report-the-facts method I've been doing everywhere (and is my main way of dealing with unhappy things in life... except with Chael... so yeah).
Okay, yeah, another break had to be taken. Phwooo. I think it's gonna be "one of those days" as they put it.
As I've mentioned to folks last night, I've found out something excellent about NYC apartments that had been worrying me the past few months I've been doing move planning: I've been concerned about the size of these apartments listed. Then I was thinking about it when chatting with Delta and the size of my favorite barracks room came to mind and I tried to estimate its size... got a rough idea by comparing it to multiples of my public storage. Realized that I seem to be miss-imagining the size of the listed apartments.
So I went into the livingroom and asked Chael if we had a proper carpenter's style tape measure (I did not want to have to do this with the cloth one I use to measure me lol). Sure enough, he busted one out for me, I handed him the end and told him to "hold it against that wall". Measured the livingroom one way, switched sidewards and measured it that way... huh! Then I had us do the same with our kitchen and added them together.
250sq ft. Our bathroom measures about 36sq ft if the floorplans for it online are right (I didn't bother to actually measure it this time). So total that to 286sq ft. That's bigger and better equipped (a bonus of bathtub and full kitchen compared to only shower and making ramen in a coffee maker due to not being allowed even a hotplate) than my favorite barracks room.
300sq ft is fucking a luxurious amount of space just for me. Then add that the apartments in NYC that I've looked at in the past few months of my price range have tended to start at 500? That a little more than half again of the size space I can be comfy in!
Holy crap. Like I said in chat, I'll be living like a god in that much space! That's this apartment minus Chael's bedroom! And I really don't use our livingroom for anything other than walking through when I enter the house! I might sit on my couch to watch a tv show or movie once a week normally...
If I allow Chael to follow me to NYC after the divorce I'll try to make sure to have a 1 bedroom so I have my space away from him that is mine, mine, mine. If I don't let him, I could get a sweet studio and be happy.
Options.
So all this "Oh man... tiiinnnyyy" actual should have been "goddam that's big!" the whole time I've been looking.
In the middle of awful life does bring yays.
Meanwhile, I'm sure I'm wracking up horrible, horrible karma for Chael's punishments. Because I'm not sure how they count, karmically... BDSM play of any type I don't consider bad for universal balancing as even the mean stuff is consensual and everyone is - in some way, shape or form, somehow - enjoying the play or relationship structure.
I'm not so sure how these punishments add up or not. Because they *are* consensual... we did have a - very short - discussion on them starting to occur where he agreed... but I've got to be in some level of trouble for hitting someone in a way other than even-though-it-sucks-now-I-like-it-in-my-relationships or I-really-find-this-fun.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Oh No He Didn't...
I could give a general summary of bumming around getting some things done today that needed done, but I'll just put this:
At Thai food motherfucker let out that he felt I'd been "irritable" the past 3 weeks.
At Thai food motherfucker let out that he felt I'd been "irritable" the past 3 weeks.
Another Lawyer
So, I saw the 4pm lawyer.
What an amazing fucking difference.
This was not a "this is how much you'll pay me, I'll be vague about your retirement situation when you ask, fill out the huge packet of paperwork on your own" visit.
He talked to me. He asked me a bunch of what I felt were good questions about the situation, to include ones that were uncomfortable for me. He knew what I was talking about regarding military retirement, medical retirement, disability, and concurrent pay situations. He described clearly the different forms of divorce that were options here in Texas. He described how the process of the divorce system here works, what order things are done in, the normal realistic waiting time on papers, even the different styles and wait-times on the two court houses in this county, how to deal with the house being in a different state when we assign it to Chael, how property is split up usually if we don't lay out an agreed plan, and when I described our agreed plan he expressed that it would be doable.
He was just a whole lot of understandable questions, tons of info, he kept asking again and again if I had any more questions or if anything was unclear, etc.
He's going to cost me 3X as much as the other guy, but honestly he strikes me as 100% worth it. He comes across as being very knowledgeable and honestly wanting to make this clear on how it works and to make it as smooth as possible.
I've thought of more questions for him, I told him I can pay the retainer on my next paycheck and get started. He wasn't pushy feeling like the other guy; this lawyer expressed that whenever, if ever, I was ready to start emotionally and financially that I could come back and get things rolling.
On the first when my VA money hits I'll be going back there.
Where I came out of the first lawyer's worked up and overwhelmed, I came out of this one actually feeling relieved. Lost of paperwork still in my future and lots of stress with the process still, but what I feel are normal amounts for this situation.
Still vacillating between anger, crying, and trying to keep myself focused most of the time on other things to distract me.
Still working on move details. Thankfully, the math isn't really that much different now that I need to make sure everything will work out fine under just my own income.
I apologize for the self-pity funk I was in at the end of yesterday's blog. I'm not usually one for that kind of thing... but yeah, one week of such hugeness has been circuit-overload and so I get like that sometimes.
Some sweethearts saw me here and on other places stressing and moping yesterday and have contacted me as more support. Thank you so much. I haven't been one to speak the really private details or one-on-one much with anyone at this point, but the support from others has really helped more than I can really say. I do better stating stuff around in a matter-of-fact style rather than talking directly to people so far in an emotional style. I don't know if/when I'll be up for more personal talks, but it's been so emotionally strengthening that there have been folks that have expressed being there for me and caring about what I'm going through.
Really, do please forgive my whining and thank you.
D&D last night was a moderate success. Hard on the Chael side, of course, but good on the friendly evening with other players side. The wife involved did play and I really like her style now that she seems to be liking it more and getting the hang of it. She's fun inside the game and outside of game I like chatting with her. She's a medical sort and expanding her work into the first fighting area of that and it's quite neat to hear about her schooling days and to talk medical stuff with her. As others out there know, it's an area I'm familiar with to a small extent from family members who are in such careers and due to my own morbid fascination with such things... pass out at the site of certain bloody things or descriptions, can't handle anything to do with veins, but love medical stuff in-scene, body mods, and bloodplay.
So yeah, her job and training are quite nifty to learn about and she's very nice and cool to hang with.
Oh, and for any wondering: I get Jonesy in the divorce. It's been understood and sometimes outright stated over the years that he's my cat. Chael still holds to that and so far doesn't act like he'll try to mess with me on it. Motherfucker changes on that and I'll shank him.
In his sleep.
Okay, not really, but no matter what Jonesy is my kitty and staying with me forever.
Here's a funny I think I've mentioned before: On doing up that paperwork a bit that the first lawyer handed me, I realized again that the highest valued thing inside our house is my plug collection.
Rumpus has bought a lot of earrings over the past couple years. As I posted pictures earlier, BodyArtForms.com sent me a gift package this year lol.
Still not sure what to do about my bed. I hate to part with it but the NYC apartment is gonna be really tiny and I need to max out the room in it as best I can. It's gonna go, in reality. I'm just dragging my feet on it.
Storage facility is another issue, but I don't think that bad of one. Most of it at this point is Chael's anyways, since we got rid of the books (except absolute favorites or things not replaceable). I've got my painting, my medical play stuff (like backboards, restraints, etc), my suspension rack, and a small box of coin collection. I can't think of anything else I couldn't technically part with.
The little tiny hole in my biggest incision has appeared again and I get a little icky stuff coming out of it from time to time... I didn't mention this at the doc's as it had healed up and seemed all happy and stuff again. Now the little hole is back and it's odd acting once more. Monday I call Scott & White again and go get my belly checked.
Yeah, odds and ends and planning and new version of daily life.
What an amazing fucking difference.
This was not a "this is how much you'll pay me, I'll be vague about your retirement situation when you ask, fill out the huge packet of paperwork on your own" visit.
He talked to me. He asked me a bunch of what I felt were good questions about the situation, to include ones that were uncomfortable for me. He knew what I was talking about regarding military retirement, medical retirement, disability, and concurrent pay situations. He described clearly the different forms of divorce that were options here in Texas. He described how the process of the divorce system here works, what order things are done in, the normal realistic waiting time on papers, even the different styles and wait-times on the two court houses in this county, how to deal with the house being in a different state when we assign it to Chael, how property is split up usually if we don't lay out an agreed plan, and when I described our agreed plan he expressed that it would be doable.
He was just a whole lot of understandable questions, tons of info, he kept asking again and again if I had any more questions or if anything was unclear, etc.
He's going to cost me 3X as much as the other guy, but honestly he strikes me as 100% worth it. He comes across as being very knowledgeable and honestly wanting to make this clear on how it works and to make it as smooth as possible.
I've thought of more questions for him, I told him I can pay the retainer on my next paycheck and get started. He wasn't pushy feeling like the other guy; this lawyer expressed that whenever, if ever, I was ready to start emotionally and financially that I could come back and get things rolling.
On the first when my VA money hits I'll be going back there.
Where I came out of the first lawyer's worked up and overwhelmed, I came out of this one actually feeling relieved. Lost of paperwork still in my future and lots of stress with the process still, but what I feel are normal amounts for this situation.
Still vacillating between anger, crying, and trying to keep myself focused most of the time on other things to distract me.
Still working on move details. Thankfully, the math isn't really that much different now that I need to make sure everything will work out fine under just my own income.
I apologize for the self-pity funk I was in at the end of yesterday's blog. I'm not usually one for that kind of thing... but yeah, one week of such hugeness has been circuit-overload and so I get like that sometimes.
Some sweethearts saw me here and on other places stressing and moping yesterday and have contacted me as more support. Thank you so much. I haven't been one to speak the really private details or one-on-one much with anyone at this point, but the support from others has really helped more than I can really say. I do better stating stuff around in a matter-of-fact style rather than talking directly to people so far in an emotional style. I don't know if/when I'll be up for more personal talks, but it's been so emotionally strengthening that there have been folks that have expressed being there for me and caring about what I'm going through.
Really, do please forgive my whining and thank you.
D&D last night was a moderate success. Hard on the Chael side, of course, but good on the friendly evening with other players side. The wife involved did play and I really like her style now that she seems to be liking it more and getting the hang of it. She's fun inside the game and outside of game I like chatting with her. She's a medical sort and expanding her work into the first fighting area of that and it's quite neat to hear about her schooling days and to talk medical stuff with her. As others out there know, it's an area I'm familiar with to a small extent from family members who are in such careers and due to my own morbid fascination with such things... pass out at the site of certain bloody things or descriptions, can't handle anything to do with veins, but love medical stuff in-scene, body mods, and bloodplay.
So yeah, her job and training are quite nifty to learn about and she's very nice and cool to hang with.
Oh, and for any wondering: I get Jonesy in the divorce. It's been understood and sometimes outright stated over the years that he's my cat. Chael still holds to that and so far doesn't act like he'll try to mess with me on it. Motherfucker changes on that and I'll shank him.
In his sleep.
Okay, not really, but no matter what Jonesy is my kitty and staying with me forever.
Here's a funny I think I've mentioned before: On doing up that paperwork a bit that the first lawyer handed me, I realized again that the highest valued thing inside our house is my plug collection.
Rumpus has bought a lot of earrings over the past couple years. As I posted pictures earlier, BodyArtForms.com sent me a gift package this year lol.
Still not sure what to do about my bed. I hate to part with it but the NYC apartment is gonna be really tiny and I need to max out the room in it as best I can. It's gonna go, in reality. I'm just dragging my feet on it.
Storage facility is another issue, but I don't think that bad of one. Most of it at this point is Chael's anyways, since we got rid of the books (except absolute favorites or things not replaceable). I've got my painting, my medical play stuff (like backboards, restraints, etc), my suspension rack, and a small box of coin collection. I can't think of anything else I couldn't technically part with.
The little tiny hole in my biggest incision has appeared again and I get a little icky stuff coming out of it from time to time... I didn't mention this at the doc's as it had healed up and seemed all happy and stuff again. Now the little hole is back and it's odd acting once more. Monday I call Scott & White again and go get my belly checked.
Yeah, odds and ends and planning and new version of daily life.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Holy Shit Divorce Paperwork
O.m.g.
I went to the first lawyer of the day (going to another for a 4pm appointment) and talked to him... he gave me this packet to fill out and bring back if I decide to use him for the divorce.
It's like 1/4" thick and they want details on every tiny little thing...
All our account details, joint and separate
All my credit card info (he has none)
All the details on his house (which is only in his name and I want nothing to do with)
All the details of our vehicles (which are each in our separate names and neither of us want the other's)
All of our stocks and such (which he owns a whopping 3 I think, I have no clue. I have none.)
All of the places I've lived in 5 years, when and where (How the fuck am I supposed to remember that?)
Everywhere either of us have ever gone to school and what degrees/certificates we have (Really, why?)
What physical disabilities either of us have, any mental health care we are getting and for what and how long, what meds we're on for anything.
If we consider ourselves incompatible (WTF? Does this really need to be asked?)
And lots else, except no mention of what to do with pets.
Now, I can fully appreciate these things being needed in the case of a contested divorce where there are disagreements on who is getting what, how to divide up money, etc.
But, unless something radically changes, this is a non-contested divorce. We are expected to decide and agree on who gets what. Why do they need to know where I've lived in the past 5 years for us to decide I'm keeping my car, for example?
Nightmare. Absolute nightmare.
Oh, and since he's probably being medically retired instead of normal retired I won't be eligible for any part of his retirement pay as it may all be considered VA Disability and I can't touch his disability payments of any type. I *might* be able to due to the new Concurrent laws where if he is medically retired he will get *both* his normal retirement pay *and* VA Disability. Then I get a portion of his retirement like normal and he gets the rest plus his disability check.
The lawyer this morning when I asked about issues with medical retirement didn't seem to know anything about this... when I asked about it he mentioned nothing regarding Concurrency and just said that if he's getting disability I get nothing. Well, I know I can't get any of his disability... what about the other factors??
So, I'll press the 4pm lawyer a bit on that point and see if he knows his stuff.
I'm not aiming to bankrupt Chael or anything. If I wanted to it looks like I could simultaneously take up to half of his retirement pay PLUS 5 years of alimony. Not going to do that to him.
Maybe it sounds mean that I want some financial things at the end of this, but I'm okay with that. You out there don't know what I now know about things. As much as I do put out here and other places I am still keeping things inside the walls of Relationship Privacy.
We'll just see how things go with this next lawyer and maybe a couple others after this. The last guy was kinda "this is how much you'll pay me, here's some paperwork".
On other things, we're playing D&D tonight with Chael's co-workers/friends from work. *ugh* Unfortunate but kinda funny in a dark way, one of the guys and his wife are arguing so she may not play. Last week we scheduled because I was such a mess I couldn't handle being social... this week I'm going because I've reached a point of mad, sad, and fuck-it that I'm going to go play and try to have fun because I'm past letting Chael stuff ruin my opportunities for a potential social good time.
Oh, I know I'll still feel the same toward him the whole time and have to hide my level of pissed and sad, but hopefully there will also be a bunch of joking and shit-talking with the other folks.
I hope the wife plays, she's nice and can be fun in-game.
I'm not telling my mom about any of this until the divorce is final... at soonest. I don't need her all up in my business or calling to check on me or such.
I do need more support from others. Five folks have sent hugs and good wishes and support. I really appreciate you guys if you read this. But for all my blogging, posting places, talking about it... I feel like most people don't really care much.
Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. This is just so big.
I went to the first lawyer of the day (going to another for a 4pm appointment) and talked to him... he gave me this packet to fill out and bring back if I decide to use him for the divorce.
It's like 1/4" thick and they want details on every tiny little thing...
All our account details, joint and separate
All my credit card info (he has none)
All the details on his house (which is only in his name and I want nothing to do with)
All the details of our vehicles (which are each in our separate names and neither of us want the other's)
All of our stocks and such (which he owns a whopping 3 I think, I have no clue. I have none.)
All of the places I've lived in 5 years, when and where (How the fuck am I supposed to remember that?)
Everywhere either of us have ever gone to school and what degrees/certificates we have (Really, why?)
What physical disabilities either of us have, any mental health care we are getting and for what and how long, what meds we're on for anything.
If we consider ourselves incompatible (WTF? Does this really need to be asked?)
And lots else, except no mention of what to do with pets.
Now, I can fully appreciate these things being needed in the case of a contested divorce where there are disagreements on who is getting what, how to divide up money, etc.
But, unless something radically changes, this is a non-contested divorce. We are expected to decide and agree on who gets what. Why do they need to know where I've lived in the past 5 years for us to decide I'm keeping my car, for example?
Nightmare. Absolute nightmare.
Oh, and since he's probably being medically retired instead of normal retired I won't be eligible for any part of his retirement pay as it may all be considered VA Disability and I can't touch his disability payments of any type. I *might* be able to due to the new Concurrent laws where if he is medically retired he will get *both* his normal retirement pay *and* VA Disability. Then I get a portion of his retirement like normal and he gets the rest plus his disability check.
The lawyer this morning when I asked about issues with medical retirement didn't seem to know anything about this... when I asked about it he mentioned nothing regarding Concurrency and just said that if he's getting disability I get nothing. Well, I know I can't get any of his disability... what about the other factors??
So, I'll press the 4pm lawyer a bit on that point and see if he knows his stuff.
I'm not aiming to bankrupt Chael or anything. If I wanted to it looks like I could simultaneously take up to half of his retirement pay PLUS 5 years of alimony. Not going to do that to him.
Maybe it sounds mean that I want some financial things at the end of this, but I'm okay with that. You out there don't know what I now know about things. As much as I do put out here and other places I am still keeping things inside the walls of Relationship Privacy.
We'll just see how things go with this next lawyer and maybe a couple others after this. The last guy was kinda "this is how much you'll pay me, here's some paperwork".
On other things, we're playing D&D tonight with Chael's co-workers/friends from work. *ugh* Unfortunate but kinda funny in a dark way, one of the guys and his wife are arguing so she may not play. Last week we scheduled because I was such a mess I couldn't handle being social... this week I'm going because I've reached a point of mad, sad, and fuck-it that I'm going to go play and try to have fun because I'm past letting Chael stuff ruin my opportunities for a potential social good time.
Oh, I know I'll still feel the same toward him the whole time and have to hide my level of pissed and sad, but hopefully there will also be a bunch of joking and shit-talking with the other folks.
I hope the wife plays, she's nice and can be fun in-game.
I'm not telling my mom about any of this until the divorce is final... at soonest. I don't need her all up in my business or calling to check on me or such.
I do need more support from others. Five folks have sent hugs and good wishes and support. I really appreciate you guys if you read this. But for all my blogging, posting places, talking about it... I feel like most people don't really care much.
Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. This is just so big.
Protecting Myself Financially and Stress-Wise
It's very likely I'll be divorcing Chael in the next week or so (well, starting the process, it takes 2 months in Texas). He intends at this point to stay with me after the divorce if I'm willing to have him around (which is based on how long my patience holds out or if I see real effort and progress in his therapy).
I've found out horrible things this week. It seems he's literally a pathological liar and has been lying hugely to me since before we got married, from the beginning. It's not just to me, it's not just something about our relationship... he lies to everyone all the time, to include himself.
He expresses loving me and wanting to stay with me, but being the one on the receiving end of all this and not being able to trust anything he says it's down to what I said above how long I keep him.
So yeah, I'm very likely divorcing him now instead of risking doing it later... I want to disengage myself financial and otherwise any obligations I have to him and his life and to secure the money I am entitled to of his retirement payments before he leaves service and it'll be harder to get that worked out, possible, but a bigger pain in the ass.
This way we can stay together as long as we both wish, but if/when I am done I can just tell him to pack his clothes and get the fuck out with no other issues to deal with really.
I've found out horrible things this week. It seems he's literally a pathological liar and has been lying hugely to me since before we got married, from the beginning. It's not just to me, it's not just something about our relationship... he lies to everyone all the time, to include himself.
He expresses loving me and wanting to stay with me, but being the one on the receiving end of all this and not being able to trust anything he says it's down to what I said above how long I keep him.
So yeah, I'm very likely divorcing him now instead of risking doing it later... I want to disengage myself financial and otherwise any obligations I have to him and his life and to secure the money I am entitled to of his retirement payments before he leaves service and it'll be harder to get that worked out, possible, but a bigger pain in the ass.
This way we can stay together as long as we both wish, but if/when I am done I can just tell him to pack his clothes and get the fuck out with no other issues to deal with really.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Caught Him at Home, Called Him Out in Therapy, Divorce?
We were again going over things he lied about, my finding out more of what, asking him questions.
I came to one and he answered in a way where I could tell he was being evasive, trying to make himself look good. Here we go. I pressed him, he dodge, pressed him some more, he dodged, compared statements he'd made in this and past conversations, he dodged, I finally told him flat out that he'd been lying to me in this conversation. He replied over and over that he did not think he had lied to me, that he'd spoken only the truth. Again I pointed out where he'd intentionally tried to deceive and manipulate me. He again expressed that yes he did mislead but he'd from there stated no lies.
I had to take a break from this back and forth frustration. Once a bit more put together I stated flat out that when someone asks you a very direct and clear question on something and you give them an answer that is meant to give them a different conclusion or feeling than the one that is completely true and honest, that is lying. It's just more weasly and passive-aggressive than a simple, "did you do this" "yes I did" (when one hasn't). Trying to make me believe something that isn't true with a lot of words doesn't make it less a lie than when shorter words are used.
He agreed with that.
The beating commenced once I calmed down some and thought about how I'd do it. As I mentioned before, my method has been slapping him in the face and head and back... and it makes my hands hurt, so I'd like another option. I have a lot of things that hurt and tend to be punishment things like canes, paddles, dragons tails, etc that he doesn't like the feel of... but two things: 1) I don't want to leave any kind of mark on him that he can twist around to me being the monster in this whole thing, and 2) I don't feel that caning him would have the same emotional value for him as a punishment of slapping his face.
We went to the therapist's and I brought The List on my iPad. He let me read it all. Then he talked to each of us about things. Mostly Chael, but now and then with me... plus at times I had to jump in to what Chael was saying or the doc was saying to correct things.
The doc brought up the possibility of Aspergers, that possibly the problem is Chael has a hard time picking up social cues and emotions in others.... No. Not the case. He is very capable of these things, has not problem at all with that... he just doesn't care as long as it doesn't effect him negatively. He can absolutely tell when someone is upset, it only matters to him if it's upsetting his plans or being annoying to him. Chael is aware of others emotions, but he just doesn't care about them beyond what they do for him or not. So that's one of the reasons he lies so much: he tries to keep people from getting upset so that he doesn't have to deal with it or he lies and expresses that he cares so that they'll calm down faster and his day can move forward.
Which applies to our marriage these past 16 years it turns out. He's admitted this week he's never cared or been concerned about me when I've cried - whether it was over something he did or it was something else in my life - or when something made me mad or anything involving a painful or negative emotion of mine. All his sweet words and hugs and cuddles and such during those times have been because he find me being upset to be "tedious" and he just wants to get it over with.
Again, sick relief at least in this pain and anger in that it's not just me/us... it's with everyone, since years before he met me.
Then, later in our therapy session I had to call him on a couple things where he was phrasing things to soften what he does or lying about his intentions and behaviors in things. He tried lying to and playing the therapist and I forcefully called him out on it/them and said, "no, that's not why you did that' You've admitted to doing it because of this" because he was answering in a way to make his action a softer thing that it is.
The therapist asked some good questions, but Chael of course didn't really give good answers... just generic and vague stuff plus the things I had to point out he was doing.
I came up with a potential plan last night and told Chael about it. I'm looking into speaking to a lawyer shortly, have sent some emails about consultations to a few around here that are familiar with military divorces. Instead of waiting things out til I reach whatever moment it is I say "That's it, get the fuck out of my life totally" and then dealing with all the paperwork and such I may divorce him very soon so that by the time he retires it's done. That way I will be sure to get what I deserve of his retirement pay easier than going through court work after he's already retired and our finances will be completely separate legally as spouses. Then, if I am still with him when the move to NYC happens he can come with me and live with me and such as a roommate, but still with the law that he has to continue therapy AND be making progress (as is the case with my even considered taking him with me, if I don't just end things before that... which could happen at any time, literally).
So, get my finances and all my married legal mess untangled, get my retirement portion in legal contract, and get all the hassle of a divorce done. The if I let him stick around and things go well, good. If they don't, I can kick his ass out with no other issues than letting him pack his shit up as he walks out the door.
Simplifies my future.
While typing this I've gotten a couple emails back and forth with one of the lawyers I sent a request to. I have a consultation with him tomorrow at 4pm.
Looking over all my options out there on how to handle all this.
I came to one and he answered in a way where I could tell he was being evasive, trying to make himself look good. Here we go. I pressed him, he dodge, pressed him some more, he dodged, compared statements he'd made in this and past conversations, he dodged, I finally told him flat out that he'd been lying to me in this conversation. He replied over and over that he did not think he had lied to me, that he'd spoken only the truth. Again I pointed out where he'd intentionally tried to deceive and manipulate me. He again expressed that yes he did mislead but he'd from there stated no lies.
I had to take a break from this back and forth frustration. Once a bit more put together I stated flat out that when someone asks you a very direct and clear question on something and you give them an answer that is meant to give them a different conclusion or feeling than the one that is completely true and honest, that is lying. It's just more weasly and passive-aggressive than a simple, "did you do this" "yes I did" (when one hasn't). Trying to make me believe something that isn't true with a lot of words doesn't make it less a lie than when shorter words are used.
He agreed with that.
The beating commenced once I calmed down some and thought about how I'd do it. As I mentioned before, my method has been slapping him in the face and head and back... and it makes my hands hurt, so I'd like another option. I have a lot of things that hurt and tend to be punishment things like canes, paddles, dragons tails, etc that he doesn't like the feel of... but two things: 1) I don't want to leave any kind of mark on him that he can twist around to me being the monster in this whole thing, and 2) I don't feel that caning him would have the same emotional value for him as a punishment of slapping his face.
We went to the therapist's and I brought The List on my iPad. He let me read it all. Then he talked to each of us about things. Mostly Chael, but now and then with me... plus at times I had to jump in to what Chael was saying or the doc was saying to correct things.
The doc brought up the possibility of Aspergers, that possibly the problem is Chael has a hard time picking up social cues and emotions in others.... No. Not the case. He is very capable of these things, has not problem at all with that... he just doesn't care as long as it doesn't effect him negatively. He can absolutely tell when someone is upset, it only matters to him if it's upsetting his plans or being annoying to him. Chael is aware of others emotions, but he just doesn't care about them beyond what they do for him or not. So that's one of the reasons he lies so much: he tries to keep people from getting upset so that he doesn't have to deal with it or he lies and expresses that he cares so that they'll calm down faster and his day can move forward.
Which applies to our marriage these past 16 years it turns out. He's admitted this week he's never cared or been concerned about me when I've cried - whether it was over something he did or it was something else in my life - or when something made me mad or anything involving a painful or negative emotion of mine. All his sweet words and hugs and cuddles and such during those times have been because he find me being upset to be "tedious" and he just wants to get it over with.
Again, sick relief at least in this pain and anger in that it's not just me/us... it's with everyone, since years before he met me.
Then, later in our therapy session I had to call him on a couple things where he was phrasing things to soften what he does or lying about his intentions and behaviors in things. He tried lying to and playing the therapist and I forcefully called him out on it/them and said, "no, that's not why you did that' You've admitted to doing it because of this" because he was answering in a way to make his action a softer thing that it is.
The therapist asked some good questions, but Chael of course didn't really give good answers... just generic and vague stuff plus the things I had to point out he was doing.
I came up with a potential plan last night and told Chael about it. I'm looking into speaking to a lawyer shortly, have sent some emails about consultations to a few around here that are familiar with military divorces. Instead of waiting things out til I reach whatever moment it is I say "That's it, get the fuck out of my life totally" and then dealing with all the paperwork and such I may divorce him very soon so that by the time he retires it's done. That way I will be sure to get what I deserve of his retirement pay easier than going through court work after he's already retired and our finances will be completely separate legally as spouses. Then, if I am still with him when the move to NYC happens he can come with me and live with me and such as a roommate, but still with the law that he has to continue therapy AND be making progress (as is the case with my even considered taking him with me, if I don't just end things before that... which could happen at any time, literally).
So, get my finances and all my married legal mess untangled, get my retirement portion in legal contract, and get all the hassle of a divorce done. The if I let him stick around and things go well, good. If they don't, I can kick his ass out with no other issues than letting him pack his shit up as he walks out the door.
Simplifies my future.
While typing this I've gotten a couple emails back and forth with one of the lawyers I sent a request to. I have a consultation with him tomorrow at 4pm.
Looking over all my options out there on how to handle all this.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
More and More
He just came home from work and asked about how I was doing today. As though he cares.
In the conversation I learned another horrible lie.... well, as with it all, rather an on-going series of lies.
Tomorrow is his (our) therapy appointment where I'm going in with him with The List.
If this therapist does not take The List seriously, I will be getting him a new therapist.
In the conversation I learned another horrible lie.... well, as with it all, rather an on-going series of lies.
Tomorrow is his (our) therapy appointment where I'm going in with him with The List.
If this therapist does not take The List seriously, I will be getting him a new therapist.
Oh, And
After smacking the shit out of him for the second time I caught him in a lie yesterday my hands really stung, so I had him massage them to make them feel better.
Cuz that's the way I roll.
But yeah, we both agree that due to this I need to find a different way to punish him. I shouldn't be getting discomfort/pain out of it.
Cuz that's the way I roll.
But yeah, we both agree that due to this I need to find a different way to punish him. I shouldn't be getting discomfort/pain out of it.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Rrrrrrrrrr
I've caught him out lying twice today. The beatings weren't intense or mark-leaving, but they were symbolic and aggressive.
He also has had to be harshly reminded repeatedly before he says things that he is to tell me the truth and I have to keep grilling him to see if/what I can catch him in next.
I'm pretty sure there is a certain exchange that he lied to me during a short bit ago, but I had no way to really catch him out at the moment so I'm biding my time, watching and waiting. I warned him that it was not in his best interest in the long-run for him to be lying right then again. He expressed understanding and that he was not lying. We shall see.
Even then I don't believe a word, but I'm doing what I can to keep my boundaries in place now knowing the situation. Things are very, very different in this household now between us.
He did make the therapy appointment as I told him. It is Thursday.
I got ahold of Scott & White Hospital about my incision that has been wonky and that I needed to reschedule the bariatric checkup that I missed due to the emergency surgery. That's Friday.
I also called the Temple VA - it took me all day to get them to answer... how the fuck is an entire hospital not answering phones? - and let them know that I needed a meds appointment and a therapy appointment. I figure in addition to keeping Chael's ass in line during his therapy I could use somewhere private for help to deal with this in the details I don't want to make public here.
The VA asked me who my meds doc was. I had to think about it (and wondered why they were asking as shouldn't that be in the computer?) and came up with what I thought was the name. They then checked the computer (wtf? Why, again if they could do that, didn't they in the first place?) and said, no, that wasn't my meds doctor and that I already had an appointment with some other doctor for it... 1) Never heard of this doctor, and 2) Apparently this appointment was made between my last visit to the VA when they told me they had absolutely nothing in the system for me and now. Okay.
But, I did not argue as I'd been wanting a new doc anyways as the last one I had a single meeting with and thought he was an idiot. Seriously, the stuff he was asking me I was answering with mental eye rolling and asking myself "what are you, a first year psych student? This is all the most basic stuff ever and all in my records anyways that I see pulled up on your computer right there!". So yeah, yay, new doctor.
However, this does me no good regarding current alterations in meds support. The next meds meeting won't be until mid March.
Sigh.
They didn't have any notes in their system at all about my two recent requests for a therapist there. The one that the gynecologist referred me for and they called me about to make the appointment and when I got there they had no record of an appointment nor of my ever being called about it. Then, when that news was given to me I requested to be put in for one again and they said they'd do so... and that one disappeared, too, as I'd not heard anything back as of today and when I called about it again they had no record of my previous request in system. So I asked about a specific psychologist I know that works there that I've dealt with before and he's really great, cares about his patients, is very direct without being mean, knows what he's talking about on things... I like him. Good doctor, so I was glad that when I asked about him they said he was still working there. I specifically asked to be put in as a request for him, they gave me the standard answer of the therapists doing their own schedule and they'd get back to me whenever the therapist gave them word of an opening. This I've been told every time I've ever made a therapy appointment can take a couple weeks to even get word from the psychologist... then longer until the appointment itself.
About an hour later that doc calls me himself and asks me how I'm doing and if we could get me in in the next couple weeks. I talked vagueness with him about things and we scheduled me for Feb 8th. Too far out for my liking, but I can always call and speak to him directly if I need to whenever during the day and if it's needed he'll move me up quick.
(long break in time while I went and had an artichoke and watched Ghostbusters with Chael)
So... It's been a day.
Jonesy has been getting massive amounts of treats the past couple days. He keeps going up to Chael and demanding them... he won't shut up until he gets something. Even I've cracked a couple times and given him snacky-snacks.
My mood swings a lot. If I'm keeping totally distracted like Ghostbusters mostly did or when I'm intensely reading, I feel pretty normal. Then on the opposite side of the spectrum I either am terribly angry or crying.
Most of the time I'm somewhere in between.
Being productive, getting through life as I can.
The Lortab is no longer helping me to sleep and I'm not going to risk keeping upping the dosage... that's just a good way to addiction or hospital visits. I was on Ambien years ago and it worked well for a while until I adjusted to it. Chael has offered to me to try one of his to see if it'll work again for me.
In absence of immediate VA help, I'm left to my own devices still. Luckily I've been taking all these same meds in various amounts and combinations for the past 13years so none of them are surprises in what can be taken, how much, with what, or how they're prone to affect me.
So, I guess yay for working my way through a slew of meds over the years?
Anyhow, yeah... Another day, more stuff done, doctor appointments made, life goes on.
Oh, and left-over from last night's rage attack: my entire torso from beneath my breasts to my hips hurts.... my whole "core" area... from tensing it so hard when I was mad. It hurts to twist or lean or even lay here and type.
If it's not one thing it's another this year.
2013, WTF?
He also has had to be harshly reminded repeatedly before he says things that he is to tell me the truth and I have to keep grilling him to see if/what I can catch him in next.
I'm pretty sure there is a certain exchange that he lied to me during a short bit ago, but I had no way to really catch him out at the moment so I'm biding my time, watching and waiting. I warned him that it was not in his best interest in the long-run for him to be lying right then again. He expressed understanding and that he was not lying. We shall see.
Even then I don't believe a word, but I'm doing what I can to keep my boundaries in place now knowing the situation. Things are very, very different in this household now between us.
He did make the therapy appointment as I told him. It is Thursday.
I got ahold of Scott & White Hospital about my incision that has been wonky and that I needed to reschedule the bariatric checkup that I missed due to the emergency surgery. That's Friday.
I also called the Temple VA - it took me all day to get them to answer... how the fuck is an entire hospital not answering phones? - and let them know that I needed a meds appointment and a therapy appointment. I figure in addition to keeping Chael's ass in line during his therapy I could use somewhere private for help to deal with this in the details I don't want to make public here.
The VA asked me who my meds doc was. I had to think about it (and wondered why they were asking as shouldn't that be in the computer?) and came up with what I thought was the name. They then checked the computer (wtf? Why, again if they could do that, didn't they in the first place?) and said, no, that wasn't my meds doctor and that I already had an appointment with some other doctor for it... 1) Never heard of this doctor, and 2) Apparently this appointment was made between my last visit to the VA when they told me they had absolutely nothing in the system for me and now. Okay.
But, I did not argue as I'd been wanting a new doc anyways as the last one I had a single meeting with and thought he was an idiot. Seriously, the stuff he was asking me I was answering with mental eye rolling and asking myself "what are you, a first year psych student? This is all the most basic stuff ever and all in my records anyways that I see pulled up on your computer right there!". So yeah, yay, new doctor.
However, this does me no good regarding current alterations in meds support. The next meds meeting won't be until mid March.
Sigh.
They didn't have any notes in their system at all about my two recent requests for a therapist there. The one that the gynecologist referred me for and they called me about to make the appointment and when I got there they had no record of an appointment nor of my ever being called about it. Then, when that news was given to me I requested to be put in for one again and they said they'd do so... and that one disappeared, too, as I'd not heard anything back as of today and when I called about it again they had no record of my previous request in system. So I asked about a specific psychologist I know that works there that I've dealt with before and he's really great, cares about his patients, is very direct without being mean, knows what he's talking about on things... I like him. Good doctor, so I was glad that when I asked about him they said he was still working there. I specifically asked to be put in as a request for him, they gave me the standard answer of the therapists doing their own schedule and they'd get back to me whenever the therapist gave them word of an opening. This I've been told every time I've ever made a therapy appointment can take a couple weeks to even get word from the psychologist... then longer until the appointment itself.
About an hour later that doc calls me himself and asks me how I'm doing and if we could get me in in the next couple weeks. I talked vagueness with him about things and we scheduled me for Feb 8th. Too far out for my liking, but I can always call and speak to him directly if I need to whenever during the day and if it's needed he'll move me up quick.
(long break in time while I went and had an artichoke and watched Ghostbusters with Chael)
So... It's been a day.
Jonesy has been getting massive amounts of treats the past couple days. He keeps going up to Chael and demanding them... he won't shut up until he gets something. Even I've cracked a couple times and given him snacky-snacks.
My mood swings a lot. If I'm keeping totally distracted like Ghostbusters mostly did or when I'm intensely reading, I feel pretty normal. Then on the opposite side of the spectrum I either am terribly angry or crying.
Most of the time I'm somewhere in between.
Being productive, getting through life as I can.
The Lortab is no longer helping me to sleep and I'm not going to risk keeping upping the dosage... that's just a good way to addiction or hospital visits. I was on Ambien years ago and it worked well for a while until I adjusted to it. Chael has offered to me to try one of his to see if it'll work again for me.
In absence of immediate VA help, I'm left to my own devices still. Luckily I've been taking all these same meds in various amounts and combinations for the past 13years so none of them are surprises in what can be taken, how much, with what, or how they're prone to affect me.
So, I guess yay for working my way through a slew of meds over the years?
Anyhow, yeah... Another day, more stuff done, doctor appointments made, life goes on.
Oh, and left-over from last night's rage attack: my entire torso from beneath my breasts to my hips hurts.... my whole "core" area... from tensing it so hard when I was mad. It hurts to twist or lean or even lay here and type.
If it's not one thing it's another this year.
2013, WTF?
No Words For It
I thought I'd gotten about as mad as I could get the other night before I'd written my last post.
I was wrong.
We'd dealt with stuff on and off all day yesterday. Then we were sitting watching a movie I was interested in, me on the couch and Chael laying on the floor.
And the anger started building. The things he'd lied about. The big thing he lied about.
I had to turn off the movie and tell him to leave the room as I was becoming dangerous.
He went to his room, I sat for a bit there, then went into the kitchen and put my hands on the counter and leaned into it, partially bending over. The anger grew until it was absolute rage.
I became so mad I thought I may have to go to the hospital for two reasons: 1) I was angry to the point of being a potential risk to myself and others, and 2) I was angry to the point that my body started not functioning right in scary ways.
When I get really angry my blood pressure goes really up and my stomach clenches. I've been angry enough to burst capillaries under my eyes and to have a nosebleed.
I could tell by how I felt that my blood pressure was up much higher than it's ever been and that it was quite possibly at a very dangerous level, health-wise.
I had that might-explode feeling I get but much, much worse. I had trouble focusing my eyes, difficulty breathing in a regular pattern (and this caused me to almost pass out a number of times during this), my chest was tight, and I started losing control of my limbs. Especially my arms... as I braced against the counter they started to become weak and have muscle spasms and I was trembling violently trying to stay in once piece physically and to support myself and with the pure rage inside me.
It took me a while, but after breathing as well as I could and focusing as well as I could I reached a level where it was safe for me to go talk to him. I went into his room and asked him some more questions about the lying he's done. He answered some more about it and told me about another lie/opinion.
I had to leave the room again and be in the kitchen doing the same thing all over again.
After a while I pulled myself under control better and realized I may very well have to go to the hospital I was so utterly in an all-consuming rage and that I was at a very serious physical risk from the stress it was putting on my body.
So, I went into his room and told him that I was unwell and how and that I may need a doctor. I told him he would come out and help me.
He did, I stood gripping the counter and he stood next to me waiting. He asked what he could do. After making sure I was under enough control I told him I wanted a cup of my cold tea. He got it for me and I took a few gulps to get something cold in me. It sat like a rock in my stomach.
A few minutes later I told him I wanted a double dose of Lortab put out and for my orange juice. Chael got both, the Lortab cup to my right and the orange juice cup to my left. I told him what of my night-time meds I needed and that I was going to take them, do some googling on this health matter, and then get ready for bed and he was going to be nice to me. He said okay and waited.
I took the Lortab, took a drink of the tea to wash out my mouth. It was hard to pick up the Lortab measuring cup as I had to wait until I felt my arm would be able to do it. Then it was hard controlling my arm to get it to my mouth and partly up I had to take a break to re-focus on making it work right.
That done, I turned to the orange juice and took my night-time meds with it... hoping from the feel of my stomach that everything would stay down as it was very questionable at that point. Again, I had difficulty with my arm, this time the left one.
Some time passed while I stood there gripping the counter again and trying to keep myself under control, get my breathing right, and hopefully get my blood-pressure to drop. It wasn't working.
Finally, I asked Chael to go get our automatic blood-pressure cuff to test me as I was still and getting more concerned about how bad it may be. He found it and I used it.
And got an error code.
Tried again, got an error code.
Tried again, got an error code.
Gave it to Chael to try to see if the thing was just broken. It worked for him. It has always worked on me in the past.
Tried it again, got an error code.
Tried it again, got an error code.
Went and sat down to see if that was the problem and tried again. Got an error code.
This new frustration did help in giving me something distracting to get my head a little clearer. I went into my bedroom to do the googling. I couldn't find any explanation of the error code I was getting on our model of cuff. I could only find information on the risks of long-term hypertension.
I tried the blood pressure cuff one last time. Error code.
Either it hates me or my blood pressure was - as it felt and why I got out the cuff - at a level that the cuff couldn't read correctly.
By then the Lortab was helping a little and I moved my laptop off the bed to its night-time position and told Chael he was to take of the nail polish on my hands and feet, then put lotion on my feet.
He did, then we each went to bed. I slept for about 4 hours and woke again. I've been up since about 2am.
I heard his alarm go off and went in and asked him some very serious questions about lies and things he's said in the past. He expressed on those things he'd been telling the truth.
Just now before his going to work we had a further discussion about things he's done and said in the past and even yesterday. More lies. Really hurtful lies. I slapped him hard for yesterday's lie. I just cried on the older ones. I just can't believe all this.
I got my answers and told him he could leave for work.
I hate all this and what I'm finding out.
I do take the tiniest saddest bit of comfort though in that it's not just me. It's not something specifically wrong with our relationship. It's 100% him. It's not done out of malice. He lies everywhere to everybody all the time it turns out. Me, work, friends, doctors.
I'm sending him back to therapy, as I said in prior posts... and I am going with him to tell the doctor what is going on, because he can't be trusted to be honest with the doctor. He has admitted to manipulating them to think what he wants them to.
I know it's not wise to diagnose via the internet, but I do think it can be a useful tool in getting rough ideas. Apparently this falls under pathological lying of the habitual sub-type. Such is a symptom associated with personality disorders he likely has (I can't trust whether or not the doctors have ever diagnosed any such in him, so I don't know the details of that). We'll see what an actual doctor has to say when I tell him all of what Chael has been doing with everyone for years, including this doctor in the past.
I'm doing what I do when I have something important I have to keep straight: making an itemized list. I want to be able to present the doctor with a clear, detailed description of what is going on. Maybe he can get help and get better. Maybe I'll leave and be done with this. We'll see what happens and what happens first.
As I said before, there are some things I won't put up with. If there is no improvement or I just reach a point where I've crossed that line of giving a fuck I'm gone.
I love him and he does love me... but this is not healthy. He either fixes it or I'm done.
But yeah, I was at a level of rage that my blood pressure wouldn't read on the home monitor cuff last night. As I was getting ready for bed I felt like the inside of my nose/sinuses were wet like when you cry or have a cold... and I'd neither. I assume I had a very minor nosebleed.
Appointments for me will be made at the VA today. I need a physical checkup and mental health support/meds.
I've always been very quiet about our most personal stuff, hard stuff, as I said before I think those sort of things should fall under relationship privacy. But this post is an official "I give a fuck about protecting his ass" moment.
I was wrong.
We'd dealt with stuff on and off all day yesterday. Then we were sitting watching a movie I was interested in, me on the couch and Chael laying on the floor.
And the anger started building. The things he'd lied about. The big thing he lied about.
I had to turn off the movie and tell him to leave the room as I was becoming dangerous.
He went to his room, I sat for a bit there, then went into the kitchen and put my hands on the counter and leaned into it, partially bending over. The anger grew until it was absolute rage.
I became so mad I thought I may have to go to the hospital for two reasons: 1) I was angry to the point of being a potential risk to myself and others, and 2) I was angry to the point that my body started not functioning right in scary ways.
When I get really angry my blood pressure goes really up and my stomach clenches. I've been angry enough to burst capillaries under my eyes and to have a nosebleed.
I could tell by how I felt that my blood pressure was up much higher than it's ever been and that it was quite possibly at a very dangerous level, health-wise.
I had that might-explode feeling I get but much, much worse. I had trouble focusing my eyes, difficulty breathing in a regular pattern (and this caused me to almost pass out a number of times during this), my chest was tight, and I started losing control of my limbs. Especially my arms... as I braced against the counter they started to become weak and have muscle spasms and I was trembling violently trying to stay in once piece physically and to support myself and with the pure rage inside me.
It took me a while, but after breathing as well as I could and focusing as well as I could I reached a level where it was safe for me to go talk to him. I went into his room and asked him some more questions about the lying he's done. He answered some more about it and told me about another lie/opinion.
I had to leave the room again and be in the kitchen doing the same thing all over again.
After a while I pulled myself under control better and realized I may very well have to go to the hospital I was so utterly in an all-consuming rage and that I was at a very serious physical risk from the stress it was putting on my body.
So, I went into his room and told him that I was unwell and how and that I may need a doctor. I told him he would come out and help me.
He did, I stood gripping the counter and he stood next to me waiting. He asked what he could do. After making sure I was under enough control I told him I wanted a cup of my cold tea. He got it for me and I took a few gulps to get something cold in me. It sat like a rock in my stomach.
A few minutes later I told him I wanted a double dose of Lortab put out and for my orange juice. Chael got both, the Lortab cup to my right and the orange juice cup to my left. I told him what of my night-time meds I needed and that I was going to take them, do some googling on this health matter, and then get ready for bed and he was going to be nice to me. He said okay and waited.
I took the Lortab, took a drink of the tea to wash out my mouth. It was hard to pick up the Lortab measuring cup as I had to wait until I felt my arm would be able to do it. Then it was hard controlling my arm to get it to my mouth and partly up I had to take a break to re-focus on making it work right.
That done, I turned to the orange juice and took my night-time meds with it... hoping from the feel of my stomach that everything would stay down as it was very questionable at that point. Again, I had difficulty with my arm, this time the left one.
Some time passed while I stood there gripping the counter again and trying to keep myself under control, get my breathing right, and hopefully get my blood-pressure to drop. It wasn't working.
Finally, I asked Chael to go get our automatic blood-pressure cuff to test me as I was still and getting more concerned about how bad it may be. He found it and I used it.
And got an error code.
Tried again, got an error code.
Tried again, got an error code.
Gave it to Chael to try to see if the thing was just broken. It worked for him. It has always worked on me in the past.
Tried it again, got an error code.
Tried it again, got an error code.
Went and sat down to see if that was the problem and tried again. Got an error code.
This new frustration did help in giving me something distracting to get my head a little clearer. I went into my bedroom to do the googling. I couldn't find any explanation of the error code I was getting on our model of cuff. I could only find information on the risks of long-term hypertension.
I tried the blood pressure cuff one last time. Error code.
Either it hates me or my blood pressure was - as it felt and why I got out the cuff - at a level that the cuff couldn't read correctly.
By then the Lortab was helping a little and I moved my laptop off the bed to its night-time position and told Chael he was to take of the nail polish on my hands and feet, then put lotion on my feet.
He did, then we each went to bed. I slept for about 4 hours and woke again. I've been up since about 2am.
I heard his alarm go off and went in and asked him some very serious questions about lies and things he's said in the past. He expressed on those things he'd been telling the truth.
Just now before his going to work we had a further discussion about things he's done and said in the past and even yesterday. More lies. Really hurtful lies. I slapped him hard for yesterday's lie. I just cried on the older ones. I just can't believe all this.
I got my answers and told him he could leave for work.
I hate all this and what I'm finding out.
I do take the tiniest saddest bit of comfort though in that it's not just me. It's not something specifically wrong with our relationship. It's 100% him. It's not done out of malice. He lies everywhere to everybody all the time it turns out. Me, work, friends, doctors.
I'm sending him back to therapy, as I said in prior posts... and I am going with him to tell the doctor what is going on, because he can't be trusted to be honest with the doctor. He has admitted to manipulating them to think what he wants them to.
I know it's not wise to diagnose via the internet, but I do think it can be a useful tool in getting rough ideas. Apparently this falls under pathological lying of the habitual sub-type. Such is a symptom associated with personality disorders he likely has (I can't trust whether or not the doctors have ever diagnosed any such in him, so I don't know the details of that). We'll see what an actual doctor has to say when I tell him all of what Chael has been doing with everyone for years, including this doctor in the past.
I'm doing what I do when I have something important I have to keep straight: making an itemized list. I want to be able to present the doctor with a clear, detailed description of what is going on. Maybe he can get help and get better. Maybe I'll leave and be done with this. We'll see what happens and what happens first.
As I said before, there are some things I won't put up with. If there is no improvement or I just reach a point where I've crossed that line of giving a fuck I'm gone.
I love him and he does love me... but this is not healthy. He either fixes it or I'm done.
But yeah, I was at a level of rage that my blood pressure wouldn't read on the home monitor cuff last night. As I was getting ready for bed I felt like the inside of my nose/sinuses were wet like when you cry or have a cold... and I'd neither. I assume I had a very minor nosebleed.
Appointments for me will be made at the VA today. I need a physical checkup and mental health support/meds.
I've always been very quiet about our most personal stuff, hard stuff, as I said before I think those sort of things should fall under relationship privacy. But this post is an official "I give a fuck about protecting his ass" moment.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Finally Able to Talk a Little About Details
Still not willing to go into really private stuff as for all I want to be open here there are also some things I feel really need to be kept within a relationship's privacy boundaries. So no lurid details.
However, I'm where I can speak on it a bit.
As I said in previous posts about this, it's not that Chael and I don't love each other very much or that either of us are evil to each other. I've spoken all over in real-life and the net how happy and in love we tend to be. That's very true.
But he has some habits that on their own or once in a while aren't a big deal... but after 15 years of it, I finally reached a point of "fuck this".
And so this week we've been addressing that... and the details on his lying have come out. He lies. He lies a LOT.
And I don't mean just over something big or such, I mean he lies constantly about all kinds of things... I knew he had a bit of a problem with this, but this past week of talking has shown me how much of a problem it is. It's NEEDS THERAPY level.
Then, last night I caught him out in a mega-lie. Mega.
Rumpus has not been that pissed before in her entire life. It was UGLY. As I just joked with my leather family: my wrath rivaled fire and brimstone.
I'm still a level of angry that is dangerous from moment to moment.
So Chael got a deal. I'm not divorcing him right away. I'm giving him another chance. The deal: he goes to therapy and works really and truly hard on his problem...and in the meantime any time I catch him in a lie I'm going to beat the living shit out of him.
And if this goes on too long without progress, I'm leaving his ass.
I know this sounds really aggressive and rough, but it's come to that point after the general accumulation I've learned this week and then the thing last night. I'm at the end of my patience, sweetness, and light.
We love each other. We're not either of us evil. He's not actively trying to hurt me. We want to stay together and grow old and travel and do all the things we'd intended to do all these years.
But there are some things I won't put up with.
However, I'm where I can speak on it a bit.
As I said in previous posts about this, it's not that Chael and I don't love each other very much or that either of us are evil to each other. I've spoken all over in real-life and the net how happy and in love we tend to be. That's very true.
But he has some habits that on their own or once in a while aren't a big deal... but after 15 years of it, I finally reached a point of "fuck this".
And so this week we've been addressing that... and the details on his lying have come out. He lies. He lies a LOT.
And I don't mean just over something big or such, I mean he lies constantly about all kinds of things... I knew he had a bit of a problem with this, but this past week of talking has shown me how much of a problem it is. It's NEEDS THERAPY level.
Then, last night I caught him out in a mega-lie. Mega.
Rumpus has not been that pissed before in her entire life. It was UGLY. As I just joked with my leather family: my wrath rivaled fire and brimstone.
I'm still a level of angry that is dangerous from moment to moment.
So Chael got a deal. I'm not divorcing him right away. I'm giving him another chance. The deal: he goes to therapy and works really and truly hard on his problem...and in the meantime any time I catch him in a lie I'm going to beat the living shit out of him.
And if this goes on too long without progress, I'm leaving his ass.
I know this sounds really aggressive and rough, but it's come to that point after the general accumulation I've learned this week and then the thing last night. I'm at the end of my patience, sweetness, and light.
We love each other. We're not either of us evil. He's not actively trying to hurt me. We want to stay together and grow old and travel and do all the things we'd intended to do all these years.
But there are some things I won't put up with.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Sweet Gesture
Chael read my last update and came in here. Asked me what he could do to ease my stress and offered a rub. I replied it would just make me cry.
He offered a hot bath and a glass of wine. I thought about it and said that, yeah, that actually did sound good. He then asked what kind of wine and I told him Barbera (that we got from RisingStar vineyards a while back). We then had a short chat about barbera wines.
Currently he's scrubbing out the tub for me before I use it as I always scrub the tub out before I use it and he's being sweet by doing it for me (it's a habit I picked up as a teen and am totally squicked at the thought of sitting in a tub where other people's shower water residue may be in there with me... so every time I take a bath the tub get's cleaned first).
Very sweet of him.
He offered a hot bath and a glass of wine. I thought about it and said that, yeah, that actually did sound good. He then asked what kind of wine and I told him Barbera (that we got from RisingStar vineyards a while back). We then had a short chat about barbera wines.
Currently he's scrubbing out the tub for me before I use it as I always scrub the tub out before I use it and he's being sweet by doing it for me (it's a habit I picked up as a teen and am totally squicked at the thought of sitting in a tub where other people's shower water residue may be in there with me... so every time I take a bath the tub get's cleaned first).
Very sweet of him.
Stress, Talks, Pain
The stress is slowly killing me, inch at a time. It started with my standard stress response in my body: stomach clenching, throat muscles tight, and then back pain started.
It then moved to my right buttock. Then down into that thigh a little. Then into the calf.
At first I thought maybe I'd done something to my leg and didn't realize it...
...Then this morning my left calf started hurting and it dawned on me.
I don't know if I'm clenching muscles in my sleep or what, but each morning I wake up with more pain in a new part of my body.
As it is, I'm living off incorrectly-used medications. I normally am strongly against self-medication as I'm very aware and avoidant of potential addictions that can cause. But during the day to make my stomach hurt less and me to keep it together Chael is supplying me with his Klonopin. At night just before bed I take a small dose of my Lortab so that I can sleep through the night. Quick enough to bed so that I don't get the drunk feeling narcotics give, as I hate that feeling.
The Lortab thing was found by accident. The pain in my back became so bad one night I didn't think I'd be able to sleep at all with it so I finally took a dose of my Lortab to ease it. I went to bed and the next morning realized I'd slept through the night (which is kinda weird given that Lortab wears off in about 4-5hrs on me)... prior to this I had not slept through a single night since this started... I'd repeatedly wake up from stress and stomach pain related to it.
So yeah... not good, but it's getting me through this mess right now. I already tried to schedule with a therapist at the VA for another thing before all this stress and was told it'd take a month or two, but they'd put my name on the list... so I have to just find some way to get by and this is working so far.
Chael and I keep talking. I keep crying.
It's not that either of us is a terrible person. It's not that we don't love each other. There's just a big something that we're dealing with.
I'm not ready to talk details, still. I just don't want anyone to think that he or I have done anything horrible to each other. It's just very stressful for me right now.
I'm trying to keep on with normal stuff for the most part; am socializing with Delta, am working a bit, just became a moderator on iTaboo.com.
I'm eating again, so that's good. For a couple days anything I swallowed a first bite of my body went "no" and I couldn't even attempt to take another bite.
Chael bought me some strawberries yesterday and they've gone down really well. Very yummy.
Jonesy got snacky-snacks twice today.
CampCrucible.com has taken the money for our Camp registrations out of my account so now I don't have to wonder when that will hit (I was keeping extra money in that account so that I'd be covered whenever the payments hit).
It then moved to my right buttock. Then down into that thigh a little. Then into the calf.
At first I thought maybe I'd done something to my leg and didn't realize it...
...Then this morning my left calf started hurting and it dawned on me.
I don't know if I'm clenching muscles in my sleep or what, but each morning I wake up with more pain in a new part of my body.
As it is, I'm living off incorrectly-used medications. I normally am strongly against self-medication as I'm very aware and avoidant of potential addictions that can cause. But during the day to make my stomach hurt less and me to keep it together Chael is supplying me with his Klonopin. At night just before bed I take a small dose of my Lortab so that I can sleep through the night. Quick enough to bed so that I don't get the drunk feeling narcotics give, as I hate that feeling.
The Lortab thing was found by accident. The pain in my back became so bad one night I didn't think I'd be able to sleep at all with it so I finally took a dose of my Lortab to ease it. I went to bed and the next morning realized I'd slept through the night (which is kinda weird given that Lortab wears off in about 4-5hrs on me)... prior to this I had not slept through a single night since this started... I'd repeatedly wake up from stress and stomach pain related to it.
So yeah... not good, but it's getting me through this mess right now. I already tried to schedule with a therapist at the VA for another thing before all this stress and was told it'd take a month or two, but they'd put my name on the list... so I have to just find some way to get by and this is working so far.
Chael and I keep talking. I keep crying.
It's not that either of us is a terrible person. It's not that we don't love each other. There's just a big something that we're dealing with.
I'm not ready to talk details, still. I just don't want anyone to think that he or I have done anything horrible to each other. It's just very stressful for me right now.
I'm trying to keep on with normal stuff for the most part; am socializing with Delta, am working a bit, just became a moderator on iTaboo.com.
I'm eating again, so that's good. For a couple days anything I swallowed a first bite of my body went "no" and I couldn't even attempt to take another bite.
Chael bought me some strawberries yesterday and they've gone down really well. Very yummy.
Jonesy got snacky-snacks twice today.
CampCrucible.com has taken the money for our Camp registrations out of my account so now I don't have to wonder when that will hit (I was keeping extra money in that account so that I'd be covered whenever the payments hit).
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Problems
We're dealing with some very serious problems. I'm not ready to talk about it/them yet.
And, honestly, I'm not really sure yet what to say.
On an up-side unrelated, I'm talking to Whittney about being hook-suspended crucifixion style at Camp Crucible this year.
My tummy hurts.
And, honestly, I'm not really sure yet what to say.
On an up-side unrelated, I'm talking to Whittney about being hook-suspended crucifixion style at Camp Crucible this year.
My tummy hurts.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Jobs, D&D, Rubs, VA, and More
Okay, and overview of the past few days and plans for tomorrow:
Had lunch with Chael's co-worker and his wife Saturday to get to know her and let her get to know us to see if she'd possibly be a good player for our upcoming D&D game. It was nice and she's quite friendly, so all is a go there. However, she may not be able to play a lot due to having weird hours with her training/work. We'll see how it all works out.
Met up with the guy from Dale Photography yesterday and had lunch with him and one of the models that works with him named Kim. Both were very nice and I enjoyed it. Should be good with shooting with them.
Today he messages me about if I can do face-painting of the sorts that show in his portfolio on ModelMayhem. Sure, it's stuff I can do but I don't have nearly all the kinds of stuff I need for it. I told him I'd have to get supplies, he told me to let him know how much it costed. I'm going to pass on any help for the cost if he offers, as they will be things I'll use til the end of time it's not fair for him to put in to help.
I, of course, didn't order things I'd need completely. I just ordered things I can see me needing in the immediate future with the skin-tone of me and the model I met and things I can use to alter that or do artful things on us. With the collection of pro stuff I already have I'll be well stocked. If he wants me to paint another model with a very different skin tone than anything I have I'll order more things specific for that person.
Today Chael and I drove down to Georgetown for a dental appointment of his. It was shorter than we'd estimated. He goes back on the 28th for them to finish their project and then he schedules for more work they want to do on him. We're trying to get as much dental stuff done as we can on him before he's out and we have to pay for it out of pocket or acquire dental insurance and pay co-pays.
Tomorrow he has shoulder and security clearance meetings at work and I have a trip to the VA in Temple. Not looking forward to that.
It's the mental health appointment that the gynecologist put in for me when he told me there was nothing he could do for my vaginal pain and that it might be a mental problem causing it. While that's possible because some females do, in fact, develop issues like that I don't personally think that's it and I'm really not impressed and still quite pissed with the fact that the gyn is basically not doing shit for me. The office (first the N.P. and then on another occasion him) did 2 pelvic exams with STD swabs and they never saw anything wrong so he told me that that was it and there was nothing he could do for me and he has no idea what the problem is.
I'm not even a doctor and I know there are lots of things he could've/should've done for me beyond a pelvic exam.
But, as I said here before when I've talked about it, he sent me to psych and also brought up that maybe he could refer me out of the VA to a gyn who specializes in vulva/vaginal pain... as a total afterthought and response to me being a bit pushy with him.
YES, SEND ME TO A DOCTOR THAT MIGHT CARE OR KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
So, yeah, psych for vag pain tomorrow.
Chael cooked quinoa casserole tonight so we have vegan food for tomorrow at his co-worker's house. All us players and Chael are getting together over there to have the last couple people generate their characters and to generally hang out together as a group. It is quite yummy, I had a small bowl.
Chael came and got me for my rub tonight. He asked me what I wanted done and I thought about it for a bit.. and said "calves and feet".
He responds, "hey, that's two areas, you don't get two areas!"
Me, in a sort of playful whiny tone, "they're... both part of a single limb part".
Him, "can I rub ahead?"
Me, not sure quite what he means and replying hesitantly and with a confused tone, "yeahhhh, I guess so..."
Him, "okay, I'll rub ahead! We'll going to be busy tomorrow".
Then I get what he means: he wants to rub two parts of me tonight since we'll not get home til late tomorrow and have less time for it.
So, I lay down on my stomach with him behind me leaning against the couch, our normal foot-rub position. The leg being rubbed is between his legs with the the knee bent and the shin and foot leaning against his chest. He starts rubbing my calf for a bit.
I'm a bit miffed about the earlier conversation, so I turn my head and shoulder towards him a little bit so we can look at each other and said something to get his attention to the fact I was gonna say something. He responds that I have his attention.
I say in a stern and kinda sassy/mouthy tone, "if I want tow, I'll get two".
He makes a smooch to me.
This is a non-commital response that irritates me.
I use my foot to thwap him in the chest and sternly and somewhat sharply say, "acknowledge!".
He answers, "yes, Mistress".
Then I feel him lean forward and he grabs the bottom of my butt with each hand and does this *squeeze squeeze* to it and cracks me up with it.
We're then both in happy and silly moods so he resumes rubbing and I relax on the floor and enjoy it.
After that's done, I go to get up and he asks me where I'm going. I stated that I was getting up. He tells me to lay down, indicating he wants me sideways on the blanket and back on my stomach. So I get there, thinking it seems he's going to do more massage.
Sure enough, he moves up so he's kneeling about my head and starts rubbing my back and makes the comment that he has to get the stuff off his hands (implying that the only reason he's giving me extra massage because he has lotion still on his palms, being playful). It was short but quite nice.
Then I came in here to do this blog and he came in and irritated the pee out of me with a couple comments. I could still kick him. But I'm trying to just let it go because it was just irritating, not anything serious or a big deal.
So, now it's bedtime. We're going to cuddle tonight so he's laying here next to me resting and waiting for me to finish this and set up for sleep.
Had lunch with Chael's co-worker and his wife Saturday to get to know her and let her get to know us to see if she'd possibly be a good player for our upcoming D&D game. It was nice and she's quite friendly, so all is a go there. However, she may not be able to play a lot due to having weird hours with her training/work. We'll see how it all works out.
Met up with the guy from Dale Photography yesterday and had lunch with him and one of the models that works with him named Kim. Both were very nice and I enjoyed it. Should be good with shooting with them.
Today he messages me about if I can do face-painting of the sorts that show in his portfolio on ModelMayhem. Sure, it's stuff I can do but I don't have nearly all the kinds of stuff I need for it. I told him I'd have to get supplies, he told me to let him know how much it costed. I'm going to pass on any help for the cost if he offers, as they will be things I'll use til the end of time it's not fair for him to put in to help.
I, of course, didn't order things I'd need completely. I just ordered things I can see me needing in the immediate future with the skin-tone of me and the model I met and things I can use to alter that or do artful things on us. With the collection of pro stuff I already have I'll be well stocked. If he wants me to paint another model with a very different skin tone than anything I have I'll order more things specific for that person.
Today Chael and I drove down to Georgetown for a dental appointment of his. It was shorter than we'd estimated. He goes back on the 28th for them to finish their project and then he schedules for more work they want to do on him. We're trying to get as much dental stuff done as we can on him before he's out and we have to pay for it out of pocket or acquire dental insurance and pay co-pays.
Tomorrow he has shoulder and security clearance meetings at work and I have a trip to the VA in Temple. Not looking forward to that.
It's the mental health appointment that the gynecologist put in for me when he told me there was nothing he could do for my vaginal pain and that it might be a mental problem causing it. While that's possible because some females do, in fact, develop issues like that I don't personally think that's it and I'm really not impressed and still quite pissed with the fact that the gyn is basically not doing shit for me. The office (first the N.P. and then on another occasion him) did 2 pelvic exams with STD swabs and they never saw anything wrong so he told me that that was it and there was nothing he could do for me and he has no idea what the problem is.
I'm not even a doctor and I know there are lots of things he could've/should've done for me beyond a pelvic exam.
But, as I said here before when I've talked about it, he sent me to psych and also brought up that maybe he could refer me out of the VA to a gyn who specializes in vulva/vaginal pain... as a total afterthought and response to me being a bit pushy with him.
YES, SEND ME TO A DOCTOR THAT MIGHT CARE OR KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
So, yeah, psych for vag pain tomorrow.
Chael cooked quinoa casserole tonight so we have vegan food for tomorrow at his co-worker's house. All us players and Chael are getting together over there to have the last couple people generate their characters and to generally hang out together as a group. It is quite yummy, I had a small bowl.
Chael came and got me for my rub tonight. He asked me what I wanted done and I thought about it for a bit.. and said "calves and feet".
He responds, "hey, that's two areas, you don't get two areas!"
Me, in a sort of playful whiny tone, "they're... both part of a single limb part".
Him, "can I rub ahead?"
Me, not sure quite what he means and replying hesitantly and with a confused tone, "yeahhhh, I guess so..."
Him, "okay, I'll rub ahead! We'll going to be busy tomorrow".
Then I get what he means: he wants to rub two parts of me tonight since we'll not get home til late tomorrow and have less time for it.
So, I lay down on my stomach with him behind me leaning against the couch, our normal foot-rub position. The leg being rubbed is between his legs with the the knee bent and the shin and foot leaning against his chest. He starts rubbing my calf for a bit.
I'm a bit miffed about the earlier conversation, so I turn my head and shoulder towards him a little bit so we can look at each other and said something to get his attention to the fact I was gonna say something. He responds that I have his attention.
I say in a stern and kinda sassy/mouthy tone, "if I want tow, I'll get two".
He makes a smooch to me.
This is a non-commital response that irritates me.
I use my foot to thwap him in the chest and sternly and somewhat sharply say, "acknowledge!".
He answers, "yes, Mistress".
Then I feel him lean forward and he grabs the bottom of my butt with each hand and does this *squeeze squeeze* to it and cracks me up with it.
We're then both in happy and silly moods so he resumes rubbing and I relax on the floor and enjoy it.
After that's done, I go to get up and he asks me where I'm going. I stated that I was getting up. He tells me to lay down, indicating he wants me sideways on the blanket and back on my stomach. So I get there, thinking it seems he's going to do more massage.
Sure enough, he moves up so he's kneeling about my head and starts rubbing my back and makes the comment that he has to get the stuff off his hands (implying that the only reason he's giving me extra massage because he has lotion still on his palms, being playful). It was short but quite nice.
Then I came in here to do this blog and he came in and irritated the pee out of me with a couple comments. I could still kick him. But I'm trying to just let it go because it was just irritating, not anything serious or a big deal.
So, now it's bedtime. We're going to cuddle tonight so he's laying here next to me resting and waiting for me to finish this and set up for sleep.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Safer Blood Play Notice!
Due to reading elsewhere on the web some things that made me headdesk about the % and timings on using alcohol for disinfection in blood play I was irritated again and reminded of how many other times I run into these things.
First, I'm stating I'm a RACK player and a "do what you want as long as everybody's okay to do it with you" sort.
There are times I don't take full precautions on things... Chael and I are fluid bonded and both quite healthy, sometimes I just bust out something known to be clean (note, not sterile, just disinfected) and cut on him without barriers or skin prep. Usually not, but that has more to do with my own medical angle to sharps play and less about any serious risks to the two of us.
My thing here ISN'T about people saying "We know the risks and the safety measures available, and this is how much we've chosen to give a fuck". That's totally fine by me.
This IS about people who are SHARPS/CUTTING PLAY EDUCATORS often and repeatedly misinforming their classes, friends, whatever on the use of skin and surface disinfectants... the manner in which different ones work, what they are good to be used on, what concentrations they need be, how long they should be in contact with the item, any and how long of on-going effect they have after drying or rinsing, etc.
SO, with all that bitchy build-up, I present you two links from the CDC. These do not cover everything you may ever need to know, they are not the only things you should look at, etc and so on. But you should know these things before you go telling other people them (or more accurately speaking here, telling people things that are directly shown to be wrong by the CDC) or choosing your own acceptable risk levels:
http://www.cdc.gov/hicpac/disinfection_sterilization/6_0disinfection.html
http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/PDF/rr/rr5116.pdf
When you're done there, if you have more questions, use the power of google and sites like that one to find out more.
/Endbitchrant
First, I'm stating I'm a RACK player and a "do what you want as long as everybody's okay to do it with you" sort.
There are times I don't take full precautions on things... Chael and I are fluid bonded and both quite healthy, sometimes I just bust out something known to be clean (note, not sterile, just disinfected) and cut on him without barriers or skin prep. Usually not, but that has more to do with my own medical angle to sharps play and less about any serious risks to the two of us.
My thing here ISN'T about people saying "We know the risks and the safety measures available, and this is how much we've chosen to give a fuck". That's totally fine by me.
This IS about people who are SHARPS/CUTTING PLAY EDUCATORS often and repeatedly misinforming their classes, friends, whatever on the use of skin and surface disinfectants... the manner in which different ones work, what they are good to be used on, what concentrations they need be, how long they should be in contact with the item, any and how long of on-going effect they have after drying or rinsing, etc.
SO, with all that bitchy build-up, I present you two links from the CDC. These do not cover everything you may ever need to know, they are not the only things you should look at, etc and so on. But you should know these things before you go telling other people them (or more accurately speaking here, telling people things that are directly shown to be wrong by the CDC) or choosing your own acceptable risk levels:
http://www.cdc.gov/hicpac/disinfection_sterilization/6_0disinfection.html
http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/PDF/rr/rr5116.pdf
When you're done there, if you have more questions, use the power of google and sites like that one to find out more.
/Endbitchrant
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Registered for Camp Crucible in May!
I didn't sleep last night for some reason. Soooo tired today I've been feeling really unwell today and am just taking it very easy around the house until it is time for bed (I don't dare lay down early or I'll just sleep an hour or so and wake up again possibly). Uggggggghhhhh.
Chael owes me two rubs tonight. The regular one and the one he missed last night because he passed out early and I was nice and didn't boot him out of bed lol.
I just registered us for the Full Monty at CampCrucible.com in May/Jun. It'll be Chael's first Camp, first major kink event, and first time meeting the members and adjacents of Delta Sigma House.
I'm hoping all goes well and am quite excited.
And I am hearing noised coming from the kitchen that I can in no way relate to him cooking the chili I'd said I wanted tonight... time to investigate.
Back. He's made some delightful chili that is warm on the stove, he just got in the mood to saute onions for his own dinner. Okay.
Sent my sister some pictures from my sploshing and candy cane sets plus some random work, fun, and personal pictures I had around the computer that were somewhat recent.
Oh, also, my iphone 4 dropped into the toilet when I went to drop my pants to pee at a local restaurant the other night and is ruined so I have a new iphone 5 arriving in the next few days. Hopefully Monday. We'll see.
Chael owes me two rubs tonight. The regular one and the one he missed last night because he passed out early and I was nice and didn't boot him out of bed lol.
I just registered us for the Full Monty at CampCrucible.com in May/Jun. It'll be Chael's first Camp, first major kink event, and first time meeting the members and adjacents of Delta Sigma House.
I'm hoping all goes well and am quite excited.
And I am hearing noised coming from the kitchen that I can in no way relate to him cooking the chili I'd said I wanted tonight... time to investigate.
Back. He's made some delightful chili that is warm on the stove, he just got in the mood to saute onions for his own dinner. Okay.
Sent my sister some pictures from my sploshing and candy cane sets plus some random work, fun, and personal pictures I had around the computer that were somewhat recent.
Oh, also, my iphone 4 dropped into the toilet when I went to drop my pants to pee at a local restaurant the other night and is ruined so I have a new iphone 5 arriving in the next few days. Hopefully Monday. We'll see.
I wish I could take off my skin
An old, old writing saved from loss on myspace:
i wish i could take off my skin.. whether carving it off and watching chunks fall to the floor or peeling it back with the tissue beneath being slowly revealed as the upper layer leaves the lower in the wiilling but grasping way that we know from eating oranges or skinning livestock... the muscle beneath being left behind bleeding... the face gone, stylized and universal in human meat. i wish to remove this covering that is associated with me by others, put aside this worthless form that identifies me and shapes opinion. these hands are not me. neither are these lips. i'd like to be smooth, a mimic of human form, a face with only the vaguest of features, a thing in living white-grey... hairless, faceless, sexless. scraping off this self with a mild mess resulting... but there is no other option than this, what i already have.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
My Emergency Surgery on 12/30/12
Last Thursday night, around 8pm I started having abdominal pain. At first it was sharp twinges like gassiness, so I ignored it.
But it kept getting worse and worse. Finally by 1:30am I crept my way into Chael's room, unable to stand up straight, barely able to walk, and woke him. We tried to have me take some tummy meds and lay back down... but again I could barely walk, he had to physically help me onto my bed, and I had to lay flat on my stomach with my face pressed into the sheets as I was unable to move any part of my body to include raising my head to look at my laptop without level 9 pain. No amount of staying still helped, any type of movement made it unbearably worse.
I told him to take me to the ER.
10hrs, 3 shots of morphine, a CT scan and 2 X-rays later the military doctors decided I had a small partial blockage of my small intestine and that it was fine to send me home with some pain meds. That I'd be fine and should just do my already-scheduled routine bypass checkup in a few days.
Considering each morphine shot worked for about half an hour and then the pain grew again to where I was having it worse and worse to literally writhing and shrieking on the hospital bed at times, I at this point gave the doctor the Crazy Eyes Look.
He backed up a bit in his statements and then considered that maybe he should call my bypass surgeon to see if they wanted to see me and just do their own double-check on me.
Sure enough, they wanted to and I was ambulanced to the civilian hospital.
That partial blockage that the contrast during the CT scan had passed the narrow point and moved just fine through my intestines and I could go home with pain meds for according to the military doctors?
Yeah, within 15 minutes of being in the civilian ER the surgeon was standing next to my bed telling me that they had reviewed those CT scans and the contrast HADN'T gone past the blockage point AT ALL and had, in fact, been BACKING UP into my old and new stomachs expanding and stretching them dangerously. I was immediately going into surgery, sign these forms.
Within 30 minutes I was out cold and in surgery. I've never been treated so fast in an ER ever. This shit was serious.
I woke later in recovery, really groggy, with a doctor sitting next to me talking to me as I tried to clear my head. Very attentive and trying to help me out. I immediately noticed the pain was gone. I wondered if they had me seriously doped, because all I felt was tenderness in my middle.
Eventually I was taken to my main room where Chael met me.
I laid there, slept on and off, talked to nurses and doctors that came in to check on me and see if I needed meds. I didn't, I only had discomfort at about the level of a 1-2. It was amazing to feel so much better. Eventually it became time where I knew I was going to crash for the night (about 8pmish) and Chael was dozing, too. So I told him to go home and be back around noon the next day.
I was fine until around 2:30am when the pain started building, but only up to about a 5 or so. I called the nurse and she was there in about 3-5 minutes with Lortab. After that I got Lortab every few hours to keep it reduced to just achy.
Throughout this trip there, the docs and nurses were awesome. I saw the doctors repeatedly. The nurses, too, and when I needed them between regular check-ins they were always there quickly. All were very friendly and focused on making sure I was alright.
There was one odd/uncomfortable bit, though. The first time I had to get up to pee there were two nurses in my room. The one helped me get out of bed, had me stand still for a while as she steadied me (I was fine, but understood she was being careful and doing her job), then she walked me into the bathroom (again, good intentions), then turned me so my butt was to the toilet and started to lift my gown for me and help me sit down.
This is way more personal than I needed or ever want to get with anyone. I gritted my teeth and dealt with it, though, thinking "ok, she's just trying to be very careful with me... this is super uncomfortable but I can deal with it...". Then she stepped away as though she was going to leave me to pee. -Except she didn't. She stood at the door of the bathroom, with the door wide open to the room and other nurse, and watched me pee.
Waaaaaaay too personal and waaaayyyyy too much pressure for someone reeaaaaallly pee-shy after urinalysises in the Army. It felt just like that to me and it took me a very long time of concentrating VERY HARD to be able to unclench.
Finally I did and I went to wipe... and she started walking toward me in a way that gave me the horrible impression she was going to help me wipe. I did it fast and went to stand before she could reach me to consider it. She then hands-on all helped me back to bed and in it.
As said, I can understand her intentions, but holy god I never want to do that again.
Anyways, sometime during the night one of the docs comes in while I'm awake (I slept off and on). This was my first chance to ask what was up with what they actually ended up doing inside me.
Turns out I had a hernia in the back of my abdomen. My small intestine had gotten caught and that is what caused the blockage and pain. When they went in it turned out that my intestine had slipped out of the hole on its own and all they needed to do was sew up the tear and inspect my bowel for damage/rotting. Turns out as I'd gone in right away and they caught it at the civilian hospital so soon that there was no damage and they were able to just close me up.
I spent a day in the hospital on meds and then up walking around slowly. With the Lortab my pain stayed very low. Again, just enough to know I'd had surgery, but not terrible at all. I did so well they let me go home that night instead of having me stay an extra day.
I have been home a couple days now and am healing well. As long as I stay still and am gentle with myself I don't regularly need any pain medication. Now and then or when I am up and walking around I do and take it.
I've 4 new holes in my stomach from the laparoscopy, the total holes they made were 5 but with one they actually went through an older lap scar so it's not a new mark.
My tummy is getting polka dotted. It's good I heal well and scars fade so well on me. Give it a year and they'll be hard to see casually.
I'm on movement and weight restrictions. No working out for me besides daily walks. I can eat whatever agrees with my insides, I've had no problems.
So, I'm just spending time laying around healing. Interesting start to the New Year.
But yeah, as with all the care I received when actually a soldier: Fuck Military Doctors.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Kisses and Jokes
He took me shopping again. This time only for a few items, but it made me all smile.
We went to the store and were grabbing things for D&D, post-its and binders and whatnot, and were heading toward the cashiers... we walked near the beauty aisles. I stopped and pointed and said, "I want to go THERE!". So we did.
I'd no intention of getting anything... yeah, I know just how realistic that is haha.
It started with me finding a lipstick color I didn't have. Then I found a brush of the type I'd been trying to find. Then, while I was doing that Chael comes up to me and shows me something: a purple eyeshadow with purple glitter in it. I say, "ooooooo". He asks, "do you want it?". I respond, "YES!".
And for the next few minutes he keeps coming up to me with different eyeshadows asking me what I thought of them and if I wanted them. I got curious what he was looking at and getting all these from and go over to him. Low and behold there is glitter stuff galore.
Chael ended up getting me glittery eyeshadows, glittery mascara, glittery eyeliner, the hairbrush, and some lipsticks.
I really don't need more makeup but I love it so much...
So right now my lips are a bright red from the stuff I bought myself the other day and my eyelashes are glittery from what Chael got me today.
Tonight the rub was my feet. I was fiddling in here on the computer talking to a potential slave that contacted me. Things seemed to be going well until I laid it out for him that if I took him on I was guaranteeing/promising nothing... we could do great and be partners in the long run -or I could drop him in 2 weeks. I didn't promise long-term to anyone and reserved the right to end a relationship if it wasn't working out in my opinion. They logged off at that point with no further replies to me.
I was blunt as this is something that comes up often: sub males think that if I say "let's give it a go and see what develops" that I am somehow pledging to be their mistress and to be so for an indefinite period or for always. I've found I need to make it clear that I am *open* to having something work out over time, not that I am *stating something will* work out over time.
Anyways, back to home. Tonight was a foot rub. I was in here tinkering and heard the music start in the livingroom and noted in my peripheral vision that the lights in the other rooms were being turned off. Next I felt Chael's presence at my door, so I got up to go into the livingroom with him.
We stood for a while holding each other, giving gentle and tender kisses. We then settled down to his massaging me. As usual it was quite lovely and relaxing.
While enjoying the rub I had some idea for small penis videos develop in my head and after it I talked to Chael about it some and he gave me a couple more thoughts. Happily, these are videos I can do while healing as they aren't body-stressing or infection-risking (like the sploshing would be).
Oh, earlier regarding videos: We were sitting talking about them and I was expressing how it's a bit hard to do the small penis and otherwise humiliation ones when you don't have someone to actually look at and go off their reactions. Chael made the joke that I could yell at him, he'd just make me mad at him.
I said, "yeah, right" as that's not our style.
He paused during my reply and then said, "wait a minute, you wouldn't yell at me. If I made you mad you'd make me write an essay again. Nevermind that".
lol
He's all busy now and excited to be developing a D&D world. Chael's an excellent DM, the best I've worked with. He builds and runs free-form games, not campaigns. If not familiar with the difference, campaign games/modules have a set path, structure and goal. Like, your group gets sent on a quest to kill a dragon and you all must do it together to reach that goal.
This type of play is both boring and annoying to me.
Free-form games, like Chael's, are where the DM sets up a world and let's you go and do whatever you want... together or separate. You might all be in a village and receive a quest, then go as a group and go do it. Or 3 of you say, "let's go do it!" and 2 say, "we're going to go do this other thing and explore this other area". And he runs BOTH (or multiple) groups at one time. Players are able to play against one another, change alignments and loyalties, travel together or separate, etc. He regroups us from time to time to keep the game together and us interacting, but there's no one set goal or structure or mandatory behaviors in where we go or what we do or with who.
It's frickin' awesome.
I'm a little nervous about playing this time. We only have one or maybe two other players besides me. I HATE playing with one other person as there's not enough social interaction and playing characters off each other in the game. So I'm praying we can get a third.
Then, they may be wanting to play good alignment characters. I never play good aligned characters... I see no interest in this. Why would I play someone who does the right thing or is always nice or doesn't randomly shiv others?
Also, it's always touchy the first time with a new group when you do jack another player for their stuff.
Getting a little view into my personality here?
My eyelashes are so glittery.
I told Chael I want him to learn to paint my nails in addition to taking the polish off. He's game to try. I'm sure this will be very frustrating for us both at first.
We went to the store and were grabbing things for D&D, post-its and binders and whatnot, and were heading toward the cashiers... we walked near the beauty aisles. I stopped and pointed and said, "I want to go THERE!". So we did.
I'd no intention of getting anything... yeah, I know just how realistic that is haha.
It started with me finding a lipstick color I didn't have. Then I found a brush of the type I'd been trying to find. Then, while I was doing that Chael comes up to me and shows me something: a purple eyeshadow with purple glitter in it. I say, "ooooooo". He asks, "do you want it?". I respond, "YES!".
And for the next few minutes he keeps coming up to me with different eyeshadows asking me what I thought of them and if I wanted them. I got curious what he was looking at and getting all these from and go over to him. Low and behold there is glitter stuff galore.
Chael ended up getting me glittery eyeshadows, glittery mascara, glittery eyeliner, the hairbrush, and some lipsticks.
I really don't need more makeup but I love it so much...
So right now my lips are a bright red from the stuff I bought myself the other day and my eyelashes are glittery from what Chael got me today.
Tonight the rub was my feet. I was fiddling in here on the computer talking to a potential slave that contacted me. Things seemed to be going well until I laid it out for him that if I took him on I was guaranteeing/promising nothing... we could do great and be partners in the long run -or I could drop him in 2 weeks. I didn't promise long-term to anyone and reserved the right to end a relationship if it wasn't working out in my opinion. They logged off at that point with no further replies to me.
I was blunt as this is something that comes up often: sub males think that if I say "let's give it a go and see what develops" that I am somehow pledging to be their mistress and to be so for an indefinite period or for always. I've found I need to make it clear that I am *open* to having something work out over time, not that I am *stating something will* work out over time.
Anyways, back to home. Tonight was a foot rub. I was in here tinkering and heard the music start in the livingroom and noted in my peripheral vision that the lights in the other rooms were being turned off. Next I felt Chael's presence at my door, so I got up to go into the livingroom with him.
We stood for a while holding each other, giving gentle and tender kisses. We then settled down to his massaging me. As usual it was quite lovely and relaxing.
While enjoying the rub I had some idea for small penis videos develop in my head and after it I talked to Chael about it some and he gave me a couple more thoughts. Happily, these are videos I can do while healing as they aren't body-stressing or infection-risking (like the sploshing would be).
Oh, earlier regarding videos: We were sitting talking about them and I was expressing how it's a bit hard to do the small penis and otherwise humiliation ones when you don't have someone to actually look at and go off their reactions. Chael made the joke that I could yell at him, he'd just make me mad at him.
I said, "yeah, right" as that's not our style.
He paused during my reply and then said, "wait a minute, you wouldn't yell at me. If I made you mad you'd make me write an essay again. Nevermind that".
lol
He's all busy now and excited to be developing a D&D world. Chael's an excellent DM, the best I've worked with. He builds and runs free-form games, not campaigns. If not familiar with the difference, campaign games/modules have a set path, structure and goal. Like, your group gets sent on a quest to kill a dragon and you all must do it together to reach that goal.
This type of play is both boring and annoying to me.
Free-form games, like Chael's, are where the DM sets up a world and let's you go and do whatever you want... together or separate. You might all be in a village and receive a quest, then go as a group and go do it. Or 3 of you say, "let's go do it!" and 2 say, "we're going to go do this other thing and explore this other area". And he runs BOTH (or multiple) groups at one time. Players are able to play against one another, change alignments and loyalties, travel together or separate, etc. He regroups us from time to time to keep the game together and us interacting, but there's no one set goal or structure or mandatory behaviors in where we go or what we do or with who.
It's frickin' awesome.
I'm a little nervous about playing this time. We only have one or maybe two other players besides me. I HATE playing with one other person as there's not enough social interaction and playing characters off each other in the game. So I'm praying we can get a third.
Then, they may be wanting to play good alignment characters. I never play good aligned characters... I see no interest in this. Why would I play someone who does the right thing or is always nice or doesn't randomly shiv others?
Also, it's always touchy the first time with a new group when you do jack another player for their stuff.
Getting a little view into my personality here?
My eyelashes are so glittery.
I told Chael I want him to learn to paint my nails in addition to taking the polish off. He's game to try. I'm sure this will be very frustrating for us both at first.
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