Monday, December 31, 2012

Chael's Short Essay

I told him I wanted him to write a short essay on projection, his doing it, etc. and to have it to me by noon today.  He emailed it to me around 10;30-11am.  Here it is:

 

Projection is a defense mechanism where I project my own negative emotions onto you. Applying negative attributes to you that you don’t actually have. This causes me to perceive you in a negative light.

As always, the first step in fixing the problem is to acknowledge that the problem exists. Although in this case it is important that I realize that the problem belongs exclusively to me; which is to say that I can in no way externalize the blame for this problem.


The next step is to define the issues that I am projecting. The stressors that cause me to project at you are: general work stress, school related time management stress, and stress caused by the uncertainty of the future.


Having defined the issues I must now take responsibility for them. This must come through the realization that these problems are my own and that I, myself, must resolve them.


The last step is to face my problems. If in the course of this I find myself overwhelmed or in any way unable to deal with my problems I will discuss the problem with you.


 


Love ,


chael

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Stressful Both

So Chael stressed me out tonight about his stress.... or more accurately, his not dealing well with stress.

We're in Walmart because we were dropping off  my prescription for more Lortab (and no, I wasn't so stupid as to walk around, he got a wheelchair and pushed me in it all over the store) and we're talking.

He comes out with comments about not being happy with our relationship and being a slave.

I'm side-swiped and hurt and all wtf?.

You see, he does this sort of thing to me every so often.  Three days ago he was talking about how happy he is with me and how our relationship suits him so well and he loves me and so on...  our normal happy stuff.

And then today he's all disgruntled.

So I am upset as this is both out of nowhere and a recurring issue.

You see, it's not that he's unhappy in our relationship.  It's that when he's unhappy or stressed, he projects it onto us/me.

Chael's a feeler, I'm an analyzer.  He gets worked up about something in his life and, while sometimes he can, often he can't/doesn't sort out exactly what feelings are coming from where and why.

Whereas I'm the opposite.  If I feel something I'm all in my own head with "this is why" "this is how" "this is how to address it" "I need to say this" "these are my motivations" and so on.

For a simple example of this, take going to a movie together:

We go to a film, watch it, come out of the theater.

If he asks me what I thought of it, he gets things like, "I really enjoyed it.  I thought the cinematography during the fight scenes was awesome, it really conveyed the sense of urgency and excitement.  The dialogue in *this* part made me feel *this* way, it really engaged me and I could see the motivations for *this* action later in the movie.  I felt there was a plot hole *here*, though, that could've been tidied by addressing *that*"... and so on.

If I ask him, I get, "I liked it".

 

So that carries over into life in general lol.

 

Back to this particular event:  He expresses unhappiness and I go about the process of finding out what the hell is up.  I'm asking him whys, hows, whats, etc... comparing statements made that conflict at various points in the conversation... pressing him to dig a bit deeper on this and that...

And finally we work it out.

What was it this time?

He is stressing like MAD about a class he's signed up for in college.  I know this has been building up in him as he's talked to me about it some the past few days, but he was still letting it weigh on him huge and not dealing with it fully.

Like I said, when he gets stressed he projects.  Onto me.

He comes out finally with asking me "what would you do with my college classes?".

I'm confused am like... "what?  I'm not sure what you mean".

"Would you interfere with it?"

"How?  Do I ever?"

"Well, would you cause me problems with it or get in the way of me doing it?"

"Honey, I never do that kind of stuff... I'm always supportive and all "good luck on your homework/test" and helping you with your work when you need it and leaving you alone to do your class online when you need to... "

"Yeah...  I just feel like you'd have a conflict with what I was doing or something"

"Have I ever done that or given you the impression I would?"

"No..."

 

And we continued on with our traveling the store.

A bit later (I know, as I've said other times in this blog, that if I give him a ThinkBreak it works out better and he can get his thoughts more settled) I bring up again, "So, what is going on with this school thing and me?".

"I was just stressing out feeling this division of loyalties problem between you and the class"

"Why?"

"I don't know... I just, had this fear that I'd be in the middle of working on something for it and you'd make me drop everything to do something for you and it would be upsetting and frustrating for me"

"I'd never do something like that.  Why do you feel like I would?"

He paused for a second.

"You wouldn't.  I'm projecting"

 

So, after that talk he feels better because he's worked out that he was taking his class stress and applying non-existent problems to it, dragging me along for the ride.

As said, this isn't the first time this has occurred and I'm sure it won't be the last.  He has the habit of taking outside-world stress and making up imaginary issues between us regarding it or behavior of mine that would never happen to it.

It's his way of doing the human habit of imagining the worst in a bad situation.

He knows he does it and it's something he's long been working on, and has in fact gotten MUCH better about it.  Early in our marriage it was very stressful and common as I had to teach him that I'm not everyone else.  That I'm on his side and I'm here as a person of support and love.

Now we can talk it out and he can catch himself in it.  Then he has it worked out in his own mind and heart and feels better.

And I'm the one left stressed lol.

He's been thinking about dropping the class.  He asked me the other day if I'd be upset with him if he did.  I told him it was up to him.  Looking back, it probably would've been better for me to tell him to cancel the class, but I hadn't realized just how heavy this was on him until he did this.

I was just now about to tell him to drop it when he came in and told me he has.  I told him good, as I was about to tell him to anyways.

If it's cranking up enough that he's having these unrealistic Worst Case Scenario thoughts then it's too much for him right now.  It means he's really close to hitting his limit on things.  It's best for him to go back to just focusing on daily work and getting through the retirement process.

After he's been out for a while, experienced some civilian time, and gets the Army weight off him then after a while I'll let him go back to school.  As it is, though, there is already a guideline in place that once he gets out he isn't to work a serious job or take on any heavy schoolwork for a year.  I want him, for the first time in his adult life literally, to experience what it's like to be an adult with normal human and social rights and freedoms.

In my opinion, he needs decompression time.  This night was a symptom of that that we've been dealing with in the past couple years and is a large part of why I told him to retire this year instead of waiting another three.  He needs out.  We need him to be out.

This may sound kinda foolish to those who haven't been Army, as all adults have jobs and school and family and things that they must do in life.  But it's really not the same, especially when those years in the Army have caused all kinds of problems in a person's body and mind.  When you're in the Army, there is nothing you actually, honestly, have control over.  Everything is an option for them to control, take away or force. How you look, who you socialize with, what you eat, what your hobbies are, when you work, if/when you sleep, what medical treatments they can give/force on you or keep from you, what you do for work, where you live, if you're allowed to live with or near your family, what you do sexually in your private time with your spouse or even masturbating, what you may own, etc.

 

But yeah, he let stress build to an unhealthy level and started imagining things that simply don't and wouldn't happen in our relationship.  We talked it out and he's feeling better now, so all is good.

 

On my big old plate of dumb:

I overdid.

As said, we went out to Walmart and I was smart enough to let him push me around in the wheelchair (something we both actually really love lol), but it did tire me and make me a little more achy due to being up and about after a big surgery.  That was okay though...

...the dumb part is where we had to swing by the grocery store on the way home as they didn't have something we needed at Walmart.  I was achy and Chael asked me if I wanted to sit in the truck while he ran in.  I thought about it and decided that I was doing alright enough to do a short walk in the grocery since we only had to grab about two things.

Five things later and waiting in line and I'm holding my belly and going "owwwwwww, my belly hurts".

Dumbass.

We got me home, some more Lortab down me, and I'm chilling in bed typing this and eating some homemade pizza Chael cooked me.

You think I'd learn.

 

 

(time has passed)

 

We did our nightly rub:  Chael did my shoulders, was very nice.

We talked some more.  He's to do a short essay on what projection is and why he feels he does it, etc.

 

Now, picture of drugged and painfilled Rumpus in the hospital:

12-28-12 hernia surgery

 

Surgery Healing

So, I'm home from the hospital as of last night.  The let me go early as I was doing so well.

The pain is there, but it's not nearly as bad as the bypass or appendectomy.  As long as I keep taking my Lortab and don't move wrong I'm just achy.

Sleeping last night wasn't good.  Chael offered to sleep in my room to be available to me, but I told him it wasn't needful, that I was doing okay enough to have him sleep in his own bed.

Ugh.

I should've gotten up myelf and grabbed Lortab in the night, but didn't.  It was one of those things where every time I moved it hurt but I was too groggy and too focused on staying still to think clearly and get up and get meds.  So it was a rough night.

Tonight I *am* going to have Chael stay in here.  I do need it.

 

My stomach is going to look polka dotted from all the laparoscopy scars from obstruction, bypass, and appendix surgeries.  sheesh.

I'm a bit tired and not clear-headed yet.  Just woke up a bit ago and am chatting online.

Work-wise I had to turn down a job that I had lined up for a custom video.  The guy totally understood though and we'll talk about my doing it after I get healed up.  Outside of that, I had a whole bunch of pre-made stuff on my hard drive so I loaded that up... releasing one a day I'm covered for a couple weeks, about.

Not much else to say.  I'm pretty much just laying around and sleeping.  Chael is looking after me as usual.  It's going to be a very quiet New Year's Eve this year... we'd planned to see friends up in Dallas, but no go now.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Hospital

I'm in the hospital. In a very long ER trip first to Darnall on Fort Hood where they misread my CT scans and then by ambulance to Scott & White as that's where my bariatric surgery was done. S&W read my stuff right and put me into emergency surgery within an hour.

Had a bowel obstruction in my upper small intestine, just below where'd I'd been modified inside.

But here I am, dozing on and off in this hospital bed with my phone and ice water. Chael went home for the night and will come back around 11-12 tomorrow.

But yeah, S&W has been an excellent hospital to me.

Chael's brining me a thermos of veggie broth tomorrow as last experience here showed that the vegan meals consist of mashed potatos with butter, beef stew, and jello. Fer Seereis.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Been Quiet

It's been quiet here this week.  We had our Christmas, I've been working on fetish video stuff, Chael has been doing his regular Army thing.

Chael fell asleep early tonight so he's gonna owe me two rubs tomorrow.  Saturday we go visit his mom for a couple hours to exchange Christmas presents... 8 hour round trip to visit for 2 hours.  Sunday we bum around and do nothing, then on the 31st I have a doctor's appointment in Temple and afterwards we're driving up to Dallas for a sleep over at the BDSM club up there.

Not sure yet what sort of scene we're going to do.  Chael, of course, wants a cutting... while I'd prefer needles.  We'll do a cutting, I know, because it's easier to set up and do that there.

I might have him beat me, we'll see.

My tummy really hurts.  Something in the lower left side gives me a sharp/dull achey pain when staying still like right now laying down, and when I move it's a really strong stabbing.  Hopefully it's just something I ate and it'll fade away.

Chael has a co-worker that wants to play D&D with us.  Not sure if it'll happen as we got rid of all of Chaels version 3.5 books and he doesn't like version 4.  Which is fine by me, I'm used to 3.5 -though I was looking forward to the easier building/use of things like tieflings... as opposed to 3rd where you basically have to build them within the DMs rules/desires.

I'd like to play again, but we need more players than just me and the co-worker.  I've done the two players thing.  No.  Boring.

So, if we do it we have to buy him new books.

 

Monday, December 24, 2012

Happy Bloody Christmas

This is my Christmas Card to the world!  Contact me about purchasing the individual video clips or the entire 50 minute film.

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[wpvideo 4Zw8vVY7]

[wpvideo MzxMUryP]

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[wpvideo 11rL8GW8]

[wpvideo LVvBqxT9]

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[wpvideo rELjwDz0]

[wpvideo Ldxvjl3L]

Morning Greetings

(I hear loud noise and wake.  I look around towards the door and here comes Chael)

"What was that?"

"The door sticking" (His bedroom door does this sometimes)

"Oh"

"Would you like some tofu scramble?"

"That would be delicious, yes"

"I will make you tofu scramble"

(Heads off to do that)

 

The tofu scramble turned out inedible.  He did something godawful to it when he usually makes it delicious.  Mysteries.

 

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Sploshing and Christmas Images Samples!

Working through the night tonight to try and get a lot of headway made on the Christmas themed stuff we did today to have it up before, you know, Christmas actually arrives lol.

It was a tiring but good day.

But I *have* gotten the three Foot/Heel + Candy Cane Crushing fetish photosets available for preview and priced on my pro page, so that's one part down.  Now just to do that video, the sharps video, and the sharps photos (not many photos).

Doing the holiday sharps scene was hard for Chael... we didn't really do much to him compared to normal but he was really nauseated afterwards for a while and worn down.  He went to shower the blood off and I'm putting my stuff away in the livingroom and he comes out in his towel, damp, and gets my attention:

(me looking down and paying attention to re-packing my sharps bag)

Chael:  (very softly and a little pleading)  Mistress?

(The tone and the word caught me off-guard as both aren't normal around here in that way.  I look up at him.)

Me:  Yes, honey?

Chael:  Mistress, I humbly request a night off.

Me: (softly and reassuringly) Yes, that's okay.  You've been wonderful today....     ....Was it really hard on you (referring to the sharps scene)?

(Chael nods)

Me:  I thought so, you were flinching and not holding still as well as usual.  Go lay down or something.

Chael:  Yeah, I will.

After he'd snoozed and relaxed for a bit he felt better and went back to his normal self, bumming around the house and ran out to the grocery for some stuff.  -We didn't need anything pressing, sometimes he just likes to go shopping to go shopping...  at the grocery store.  I could've gone with, but was busy with video/pic stuff.

Anyways, back to work.  Here are some sample images from today:

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Saturday, December 22, 2012

Another Video Camera, Lights, Tripod, Et Cetera

Chael just bought me stuff again.  Add on another $500 for the month lol.

 

We did the first sploshing/WAM video and photos today and ran into some frustrations with the light, draping, angles, etc.  It worked okay, but could have been a lot less hectic and a lot more productive with another camera/tripod angle, better lighting, more backdrop material, etc.

 

So Chael took me out shopping and bought me those things... then set them up and hung them up and all that for me while I set up the video camera's menus and repainted my nails (the red is peeling right off and had gone to looking terrible after the earlier work was done).

He also expressed being turned on by doing all the photo work, seeing me all posing and making faces...

....which is surprising and a little odd as I had us do a whole sexy photos thing for us in the past and he really wasn't much interested/aroused by it.  We wrote it off as something not really his thing...

Then today as I'm uploading images he asks me if we can "get freaky after each of these".

Doing foot stuff and object/food crushing next.  Taking a short break from standing in heels.

Chael's So Great (Sploshing Prep)

I told Chael last night I wanted to get up no later than 10am to get started on prep for videos.  He said he'd probably be up before that... ha, he wasn't.

But my alarm went off and I started fiddling around to clear my head.  He got up a few moments later and did the same.

A bit later I'm in here fiddling around with some stuff online and painting my nails (as prep for the shoot) and I hear him being all industrious.  I know we'd discussed and planned moving livingroom furniture around to make a good place to do the vids/pics so I made the guess that he was up to that.

Oh boy yes.  He comes in and is all "I need your input on something".  I turn around and he has the black cloth we bought to hide his face wrapped around his head and is asking what I think of how it looks.  I like it and give it my approval.

He goes back out and I hear noises.

He comes in and says, "It's ready for inspection".  I tell him I'll be there in a minute when I finish what it is I was doing.

He goes out and more noises.  I glance back out of the bedroom door and he's putting down a pathway of towels through the house from the splosh/WAM area to the bathtub.

This made me grin like an idiot.  He is so smart and thinks ahead (he's never done any kind of serious sploshing with me, so he this was purely a common sense move on is part).

He comes back later and is all, "Okay, now it Really ready for inspection".  I say, "okay" and get up to go see what he's done.

It is awesome.  He cleared out a corner of the livingroom (moving the massage table and couch and everything), hung the backdrop, set up the tripods, laid the first dropcloth down, and ran that towel path.  It looks great.

I gave him lots of  big kisses and thank-yous.

Now I'm waiting for my nails to finish drying and am going to go start getting things done.

Female Dominants Should Do As I Say!

Backstory:  A guy on CollarMe keeps posting about how he's a the head of a major empire/corporation and that a Real Mistress should come along, have him take over his company and do all the work for him.  That he wants gynarchy and believes females are superior....  But is Very Rude to anyone -especially females- who keep A)  telling him he's not being at all realistic in his desires and expectations that he's been expressing and B)  asking him "Okay, you find a woman who wants that, once she takes over your job what are you going to do in return for her?".

So after seeing him -in various phrasings- tell female dominants all kinds of stupid things about how they weren't real and they basically didn't know how a real F/m relationship works, I thew this out:

_____________________________

Okay, trying to attack this same problem from another angle because what the hell, sure:
OP, many of the people speaking to you here are or have been in *actual Female Led Relationships*. They have been giving you, both in this thread and in your other one, real-life experience and views about the subject. You are refusing to pay attention to it because the *realities* of FLRs do not fit your *fantasy* of FLRs.

So you know where I'm coming from in responding to you on both this and the other thread, what my blog below is linked about:

I am a dominant female. I have 18 years of being in charge of my closest relationships. Sometimes with those who were subs, sometimes those who were slaves. My husband is my slave.

Ultimately I have final say in anything I want in our relationships: how he looks (hair style/length, clothing choices), his health (that he takes him medicines regularly, what he eats and drinks when and how he exercises), his social life, his work life (he is retiring this year because I told him I wanted him to), his finances (I control the main accounts where all our income goes, paying the bills, and giving him an allowance each month), when and hows of sex, how he spends his free time around the house, etc. He serves me - bathes me when I want him to, shaves my legs, cooks and cleans for me, gives me daily massages, helps me with work and projects when I want, promotes my work, buys me tons of presents, goes out of his way for me as a normal and regular behavior.

What do I do? Control and handle all those things... our money, where we live, where things go in our house, when he or I are to go to a doctor about something; I'm currently working all the details on a major move we're making in the spring; support him in continuing his education and to make opportunities for him in that area; and just generally being in charge of any new situation that comes up for us or making any decision that needs made.

So, yeah, I know what of I speak and the above description is a good example of *one type* of FLR. There are many types.

With that background out there as to where I'm coming from in experience and relationship preferences:

You are totally wrapped in your fantasy and would not at all be able to handle gynarchy as a world structure or even a one-on-one FLR with a dominant woman, IMO. Why? Because dominant women here on CollarMe have been talking to you about *real-life* Female Led Relationships and the views and experiences of those females who run them... and you've not been at all respectful, not at all acknowledging them as superiors (by virtue of vagina or by their real-world knowledge), and have instead actually shown a great deal of disrespect and outright misogyny.

In the last post and this one, you reject female superiority and female's with FLR knowledge because they show again and again the being a dominant woman means they will not be catering to your fantasies, won't take your responsibilities off your shoulders.

Being a slave *usually means more work*. You obey. You make your mistress's life more enjoyable, more comfortable, easier, with less work if she wants to work less, with more joy, with more amusement.

How these things come together in any one relationship vary greatly.

It may mean she works 12hrs a day and you stay home and keep house... which may include anything like housework, raising kids, running the finances (yes, as in, you could be the one to keep the budget, pay the bills, let her know how much money you can both spend this month, etc), etc.

It may mean YOU work 12 hrs a day and she stays home and keeps house. Or she stays home and you work 12hr days PLUS keep house.

It may mean you BOTH work regular hours, share the housework, share the household money, etc.

And lots of other combinations. The only recurring theme: Whether you work or not, whether she works or not, whether she runs the finances or you do, whether you own a cat or not, etc all comes down to what she wants.

Repeating a point I tried to make to you in the other thread, as did others: A mistress may very well feel that the best way to use you as a slave would be to make you keep your job as head of company and hand her the money to kick back and do as she pleases.

And that's how gynarchy would be: Women in charge of the government and their relationships *may* say, "I don't want my husband/slave to work, I want to be the breadwinner"... or they *may* say, "I want my husband/slave to work, because I don't want to be the breadwinner".

See how that works in a Female Led Relationship: Females in charge means males do what they're told. Even and often especially if it doesn't sound enjoyable AT ALL.

Now, "doing as told" may mean, "Honey, come curl up with me while we watch this movie we love and have popcorn tonight!". Or, as the example has been given it may mean, "Hand me the remote, get me a drink and shut the fuck up".

But no, you're disrespect and underlying fantasty-obsession and misogyny are blocking you from seeing that FLR doesn't mean some woman is going to come along and do as you tell her to. Just like the real-life dominant women aren't going to give you what you want because you want it or do as you say here in these threads.

Oh, and submissive ones, too... you DO realize that in a gynarchy you would have to listen to female subs and slaves and do what they tell you to, too, right? Because by your commenting it seems pretty clear you don't get that. You would be BELOW, SUBORDINATE TO female slaves.

So yeah, that's a little glimpse into Female Led Relationships and some realities of what gynarchy would mean for you (as opposed to the fantasies).

Edited to add a final note regarding that other thread and this one: There may be a woman out there that would like the situation you desire of having your work handed over to her, there are all sorts of folks out there. But something that I haven't seen you address anywhere and certainly not here when others have brought up similar questions:

If a woman with this interest comes along, what do you have to offer her? What are you going to do for her? What is she going to be getting out of you and your relationship with her if she agrees and does this? Because you've given no answer as to how you plan on compensating this woman for her time and WORKING A JOB FOR YOU.

Now, I can think of lots of things a male slave can have to offer a female dominant who likes to be the breadwinner in the household. but what do *you* offer?

Friday, December 21, 2012

A'Sploshing We Will Go! (WAM Plans)

Chael slept most of the day today, making me want to kick him in the face while he slept... but I didn't.  I let him sleep because while I could have woke him to do the stuff I'd wanted to do, I knew he'd be a big pain in the ass if I did.


Not out of malice, just out of being groggy and unhelpful when so.

Instead, I did stuff that I could do that was productive (I'd hoped to go shopping for supplies and to start working on videos today after he got home form work) with him asleep.

Finally he got up, around 6:30pm or so and I expressed my gripe, we hugged, and went to the store.

The plan is to spend a good part of this 4 day weekend making fetish videos revolving around shaving, foot and shoe fetish, food/object crushing, and sploshing/Wet And Messy.

We're doing stuff that I can't do on my own (need someone else to manage the video and still cameras) and also to use a partner in the videos rather than doing solo stuff.

I got all KINDS of goo to put on me:

sploshing suppliesI foresee epic amounts of bathing this weekend.

Oh, and Walmart on the Friday night before Christmas?  Not.A.Good.Idea.

Productive and Talks

So, I missed Grit again yesterday.  Once again was locked inside the house. Put in a work order and the showed up in the afternoon...

...after looking at the lock the service man informed me that they problem these two times it's stopped working is because someone is intentionally tampering with the lock and he warned me to please be careful going in and out of the house from now on.

Great.

 

Chael and I had a big long talk yesterday about me and our relationship.  Not anything unhappy, just a "what do you think about this?", "what are your opinions on that?", "this is how I see it", "really? lol"; that sort of conversation regarding my personality in regards to others and him and our mutual happiness and such.  It was good.  Started when we were shopping at the grocery and then finished driving home.

Not gonna drag out the details, but basically we agreed we're a good match. haha.

We changed up our massage pattern:  instead of chilling out watching a movie or TV during it, we put on some music and lit some candles and sat on the floor - me in front of him between his legs with my back to him - and he rubbed my shoulders.  When done I twisted around and half laid on the floor and half laid against him, my arms hugging around his waist and my head on his stomach/breastbone while we talked a little about odds and ends and kissed.

I've been very productive this week.  Have 3 clip sites I'm selling my stuff on and have arrangements to sell the videos that violate the rules of those sites (some of the rules I can understand as being hard to get a payment system to agree to or being extreme acts... but some of the rules out there are really bizarre.  Like on one the rules actually include not mentioning vampires.  WTH?), have a couple methods of receiving tribute, and have been taking pics and talking to photographers for more professional stuff.

I love this sort of work... it's stuff that I can do more of than public-customer-relations sort of stuff or scheduled work.  I can be all productive when capable like right now and then when unable to be I have product out there available already that I don't need to deal with people regarding.  I can't handle set schedules or regularity of contact or any such; I have to control my contact with others and work when I'm able to work to be able to do anything so this works for me.

Also worked yesterday on rebuilding a couple cutting classes.  I want to have a Cutting 201 - Artistic Work class outlined and ready before the end of the month to give to Grant for The Class List of what Delta Sigma members can/will do.  Gonna work on that some more today and do some more on a drawing I started yesterday.

I warned Chael that tonight or this weekend he was helping with some fetish videos.  We have to not show him in any way breaking Army rules and not have him identifiable at all until he gets out, but he can still be a big help in creation in non-sexy/nude ways.

I love him.

I also warned him that when he gets out he's going to be doing all kinds of things in videos and pictures with me.

 

 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Rough Doctor Day

Didn't sleep last night again.  Don't know what's up with this random insomnia nonsense that's been going on for the past couple months.

Had to drive to the Temple VA this morning for a gynocologist appointment for the vaginal pain I'm having...  This was the third visit.  The doctor said to me (and I'm not kidding here, these are as near quoted as possible), "I don't know what to tell you, I can't figure out what's wrong with you" and "There's nothing really I can do for you".

What have they done to rule out potential problems?  Two regular pelvic exams and STD swabs.  That's it.  No hormone levels, no ultrasounds (internal or external), they never even ever asked about my sexual arousal level or lubrication ability and purchased-use is (lack of proper arousal and insufficient lubrication being leading reasons for vaginal pain during intercourse).  - And when I volunteered the last bit thinking they might this time go over it?  I was just waved off like it was something foolish or of no value being brought up.

So yeah, no tests of any kind beyond STD/PAP taking.  No... Hey, you've been perimenopausal for years and your mom transitioned into full menopause very near your age and that may be it, let's take some labs.  No... what measures have you attempted on your own to help this.  No... let's do some scan/sounds and see if anything is out of place or if their are any cysts/growths going on.

Just "we gave you one standard pelvic and told you we didn't see anything so come back in a while if it still hurts", then "we gave you a second standard pelvic and told you we didn't see anything so come back in a few months if it still hurts", then "oh, it still hurts?  there's nothing we can do, we have no idea what's wrong with you".

 

On the upside of this horrible, horrible day he did refer me out of the VA to a vulvodynia specialist gyn and to mental health because apparently my vag could have stopped working right last year due to emotional trauma years ago.  Which I'm not fully scoffing at, I know that does happen and as I told him I'm open to talking to someone about it because I'm open to anything that might help.... but in my gut and head I really don't feel that's the case.

Hopefully the new gyn will, in fact, be a specialist in vaginal pain and will, you know, pursue possible physical causes.

This just made me feel so angry and sad and just... upset.  Knot in the gut upset where you feel this pressing need to cry deep inside you but you can't because there's nowhere safe to do it and you also don't wan't or like due to your nature/personality to cry when there's not a specific serious issue going on.  At this point I technically could be dying or have a forever-broken vagina but at the same time I could just as possibly be given a pill by the new doc or even wake up tomorrow and be fine.

So.

Chael came home after a bit and I told him about it all.  He sat on the edge of my bed with me and leaned the side of his head on my shoulder and told me he was sorry I'd had such a rough day.  I expressed  my upset with it all and how I have unexplained very severe pain and my doctors aren't taking me seriously or actually helping... plus I feel concerned about his happiness due to the almost-a-year-now lack of vaginal sex when I know he misses it.

He was his usual sweet self and assured me that he's happy with our sex life and not unhappy at me about it at all or frustrated.  I responded that we'd talked before and he'd expressed some past frustrations.  Chael's words were that he hadn't been feeling so lately as we'd be getting plenty freaky in other ways.

Which is true.

We then went on with our day.

He's baking vegan chocolate chip cookies to take to work for a party thing tomorrow and Friday.  I'm been productive today with videos, pictures, etc.

I'm so tired; I will definitely sleep tonight.  Which is good as I have Grit - Plyometrics in the morning, dear god.

Last night was a hand rub, tonight may be my face and ears, I think.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I Will If I Want To

So, two potential cutting bottoms backed out today.  No huge deal, but a disappointment.  Two of Chael's co-workers wanted little things done... one flat chickened out, the other didn't want to go home for the holidays and have his mom see it.  Ooookay.

Anyway, sitting at dinner with Chael tonight we're talking about me making new class outlines for the classes I want to start doing again.  Mainly focusing on getting a 201 cutting class made  out of my old notes at this point so I can tell Grant that I'm available to do it in the future or maybe even at Camp.

So we were discussing how to break down those notes and rebuild also 101 and 301 levels.  I'd like to do 301 or 401 involving flesh-removal scarification.

At this point Chael says, "you'll have to get somebody else for that... cause no".

Me:  "What?"

Him: (shaking his head) "you're not doing that, I like being a blank canvas"

Me:  "honey... you're not a blank canvas"

Him:  "what do you mean?"

Me:  "you've got a piercing and a tattoo.  That's not a 'blank canvas'"

Him:  (firmly) "yeah, well, I don't want any scars done on me"

Me:  "excuse me?  If I want to put a scarification on you I'll put a scarification on you"

Him: (pauses, then in a soft tone) "you're right, my apologies mistress"

Me:  "it's okay, I forgive you.  And thank you for sharing your opinion and thoughts on it, I do take them into consideration.  At this point I don't want to anyways... I rather like that I can put stuff on you (referring to our temporary cuttings) wherever right now"

There's a Very Big Difference between "I'd like you not to" and "You're not going to".  As long as he stays on the former setting I don't kick him in the head.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Cutting Last Night and New Shoes Today!

I made a stencil of THIS drawing of mine and put it on Chael's right upper arm.

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Additionally, Chael took me shopping for flats to wear with the new dresses he bought me.  I did get one patent black open-toed pair, but also this really great pair of platform high-heels.  Miraculously, they are not only dead sexy, but I can stand and walk in them without pain...something that hasn't happened with heels in 15+ years!

Below are pics of the heels and me in one of my new dresses.

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Sunday, December 16, 2012

Massage and Cutting

I let Chael have last night off from his double massage night.  He was totally willing, but he was practically falling asleep when he was trying... I was exhausted, too, so I finally said, "Let's go to bed".

So, tonight he gave me a full body massage up on the massage table while we listened to Cowboys And Aliens.

He's cooking another batch of dumplings for me -I'm really not eating that much, he for some bizarre reason keeps making these little 1 to 1.5c batches instead of just making one big pot of them.  Whatever.

I'm in the process of setting up our new printer so I can print out a stencil for a cutting tonight.  Plan is to video it.  Not sure what we're going to do... Debating free-handing it with a surgical pen instead of doing a stencil.  I prefer to use a stencil, but I hate making stencils.

Graphic/Sexual/Adult Posts Now Visible

After a very frustrating time trying to get BlueHost.com to point my domain to their servers I've given up and re-read the Wordpress content rules.  (For some strange reason BlueHost won't do it even though the domain name and hosting are both through them... I followed every bit of Support and Instructions I could find relating to it and the options they describe in the cPanel don't match up with the help instructions they give.... wth?)

So, apparently as long as I don't post child porn or related, graphic violence without context, really really raunchy pictures or link to prostitution ads I'm good.

Password protection is now off on the more detail-oriented sexual and play stuff now.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

\m/ Sex!

Okay, so no, the vag is still broken and there was no anal, so everything was external... but we still just had a big ole batch of sex in the livingroom (our preferred location).

He watching TV all sprawled out on the floor on a blanket and pillows, wrapped up in another blanket.  I went into the bathroom, peed, and bathed to be all fresh and yummy.

I went into the livingroom and stepped up to about 3 feet from him, looked down and waited for his attention.  He looked up and smiled and we joked a bit with each other and then I said, "Move, come on, get up!.... Put that stuff over there!".

He got the vibe of where I was going with this and got up on his knees and hugged me around the waist, face between my breasts.  We stayed there and hugged for a while, and then he started kissing my chest and I leaned down and started smooching his shoulders.  Our hands roamed each other.

I stood back a bit and let him kiss and touch up and down my stomach and sides and chest, avoiding my nipples as I twisted and turned to give him access and guide him where I wanted him by body language.  After much of this wonderfulness, I turned around facing away from him and he wrapped his arms around my waist again and hugged, kissing the middle of my back.

Insert lots of hand-wandering, brushing, gripping, smoothing and lots of kisses over my back, hips and bum.

I later turned back to him, took his collar in my hands, and pulled him into passionate kisses with me as I leaned down to him.

This progressed nicely to when he leaned me down semi-rough, semi-gentle onto the couch with him kneeling at my feet.  Through more open-mouth-touches, I asked him, "Who do you serve?".  He didn't hear me at first and asked, "What?".  I repeated.  He stated, "You.  I serve  you".

We continued to caress each other in many ways... hands with some distance between us... mouths on skin up close.... pressing our bodies full-torso against each other in ways that ground our hips together nicely for me with the feel of his chest against mine.

Lots of wonderfulness and hotness building.

As he kissed and smooched my torso now he focused on and off on my nipples.  I was excited enough by that point to make this cause my stomach pull in that familiar way...

Then we moved on to his giving me oral.  It was delightful.  I laid half-reclining on the couch with his head between my legs squirming and making my personal version of Funny Sex Noises in response to the stimulus.  In my head this all looked very sex and I was loving all the guidance he was taking (I'd been placing his hands where I wanted them more, telling him how hard or soft I wanted touched, etc at various times during all this).  Chael is a very attentive and enthusiastic lover.   Another one of the reasons he's here to begin with!

I came 4 times, just little ones but very satisfying.  I at that point let him rise back up and kiss me and continue our touches.  He was hard to I guided him about an inch into me and ground on him now and then as we caressed and laughed together and I pulled on his collar now and then.

We returned to oral.  He somewhat sat back and looked at me with a lusty and happy look on his face, running his hands on my thighs gently and we said a little something I can't recall.  I then nudged him in the side with my right knee and said, "Get back to work!" in a playful bossiness.  And so he did.  This time it was a long build-up to one short orgasm that left me in that very tender, arousal-is-over state afterwards.  He sat back again and I stayed sprawled how I was and just breathed, letting myself come down.  Chael was still running his fingers gently over me and I felt that him doing so along the crevice along where my hood and inner labia are would ease the tenderness, so I directed him to do so.  It did, indeed, help.

Chael and I stayed like this for a while as I enjoyed it.

I then sat forward and ordered him to masturbate.  He asked, "why?".  I told him that, "You just pleased me, now I want to watch you please yourself".

So he did and I watched for a good while, but he found himself treading water.  We both sat and were pleasantly quiet for a second or four.

I decided to crawl on top of him and just be close....

...my crawling on top of him got him much more riled again.

This naturally progressed to more kisses, collar pulling, bites, licks, and grinding.  I tried to take him  inside me but found my vaginal pain is still there and it is impossible.

Instead I played a game of teasing him that we both like:  running my hands lightly over him, moving towards his genitals but not touching his penis... dragging my fingertips over his thighs, scrotum, stomach, hip joints, etc repeatedly getting closer to and almost touching him directly... then back to working up again without more than a tiny brush against the side of his cock or some other near-miss feeling.

Anyways, this got me in the mood to give him oral.  As I was back up kissing around his neck and face, I asked him what he wanted.  He answered, as I knew he would at this point, "I want your mouth on me".

I worked my way down and did similar teasing this time with my mouth... and eventually was brushing the outside of my lips just barely across the tip of his penis.  I pulled back and asked him, "What do you want?".  "Your mouth on me."  "Ask for it." "Please put your mouth on me, mistress."

I barely put the head in my mouth; just enough to get it wet and rub my tongue against him.

"Ask me again."

"Please put your mouth on me, mistress."

I took a little more of him in my mouth.

Repeat and repeat and repeat until I have as much as I can take in.

The Oral Sex proceeds to a joyous conclusion for him.  He takes a breath or two and says, "Thank you, mistress".

We spend time sprawling together as he goes through those little muscle spasms he does when he's had a great orgasm and the "afterglow" fades into normal closeness.  He and I clean up and watch the end of Wolverine.

Currently he is working on a new, larger, denser pot of dumplings for me after setting an amaretto sour next to me that has ice-cube X-Wing Fighters and Darth Vader helmets in it.

I'm getting my hands and forearms rubbed in a moment while the dumplings cook.

He suggested that there be "no such thing as 3 rub days" (in reference to how if he misses a day he has to do two the next).  His idea:  "If I'm so bad that I miss three you should get a full body massage".

I approved.  Like I'm going to argue with that?  Sure, I can have one whenever I feel like saying, "Chael! Full Body!"... but I like his thinking and initiative, by golly.

Anyhoo, time to go continue our lovely night together.

Shopping Spree!

Yes, Rumpus is raking in more and more presents.

God I love it when he buys me things... and this month I am getting so. much. stuff.

And most of it isn't Christmas presents; it's just the random spoilings he gives me.

 

So yesterday we go into HEB for groceries and he takes a hard left with the cart as soon as we're in the door -he's going into the flowers section for me!  We look around at different bouquets, wait for some really slow people to get out of the way of some, check them out.  I find one I like best and he puts it in the cart and we go around the store (he pushes the cart).  This is part of a little game we play, usually silently.

He buys flowers for me most of the time when I'm not with him.  But, when I am like this time, I pick what I like, he puts it in the cart, we move on as if it didn't happen.  We go to the checkout with our items, he pays for them (he doesn't always pay for groceries, he just always does on these occasions because he's getting me a present, too) while I keep pretending not to notice he's getting me flowers.  When the flowers are rung up he then takes them from the cashier and holds them out to me and says, "I bought you flowers!" and I smile big and take them saying something like, "Thank you, sweety!".  And then I officially know he got me flowers and they are mine.

 

Today:

Chael wakes me up around 11:30 and I feel terrible and am bothered by him but also accepting of the situation... You see, it was my own damn fault for staying up til an ungodly hour last night and he's just getting me up at an hour he knows I usually like to be out of bed by.  So  I sit up and try to clear my eyes and head.

He's all, "I got you a present!".  I blearily look up and see he is pointing to my nightstand.  Chael has put a new straw-having-cup like I like to use there that he bought that morning while out getting his hair cut before he woke me.  So, despite my groggy misery, that was a nice way to start the day.

Then, a bit later, he expresses that we need to run on-post so that he can get his prescriptions refilled today.  We get around and do so.

On entering the PX (the pharmacy is located inside) we walk by the Women's Clothes section on our right and I make the comment, "Hey, I can now shop in the regular size section of clothes!".  He replies, "Yep!  Did you want to get anything?".  I express maybe, but doubtful, and that we should anyways focus on getting his meds picked up before we do anything else.

We do and shop for a couple other items around the store.  As Chael and I are wandering towards the front of the store/cashiers, he asks again if I want to look at clothes.  I comment that I do need to get warm clothing for NYC but that I really can't afford it right now.

Well guess where that went.

"I'll pay for it, let's get you some things."

What started as a mindset for me at least of "grab a few warm sweaters or something if I can find anything actually not hideous" (because the clothing at the PX tends to be either just plain ugly or both ugly AND intended for 70 year olds) turned into a big "ooo!  That's pretty! Want!" shopping spree.

I did actually get a warm turtleneck sweater...  and I did honestly need new, better fitting pants as I've shrunk out of the ones I had....

But I got way more stuff than I needed and most of it dresses.

For serious, I (Chael) actually bought me multiple dresses.

Totally not looking for functional cold-weather clothing... though I did think ahead a bit and have him also get me some tights and leggings to wear underneath so I don't get chill breezes up my legs when wearing them.

lol

So yeah, I got a few pairs of black slacks, a few totally cute 70s style dresses, a sweater, a ruffly green tanktop, a deliciously glaring green and blue shrug/jacket thing, tights, leggings, and more touch-device sensitive gloves (Chael saw them and felt I should own more colors).

And you know what?  They are all size 16 and XL.  I'm down now from a max size of tight 26 to comfortable 16.

I love it so much when he buys me things.

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On driving out of the parking lot in his truck (him driving), I asked him in a syrupy voice, "Why do you buy me things?".  "Because I love you."  "I love you, too."

A moment goes by and I add, "I love it when you buy me things".

A moment goes by and he replies, "My money has no higher purpose".

Giving Him A Bit Of Time And Its Rewards

I related the tense porn discussion of yesterday.  As I said, he irritated me greatly but I backed off and let him have some thought and feeling time.  From experience, I - despite the deep soul pleasure of pushing I get - know at times I need to handle him gently in getting him to do what I want in the long run.  So I gave him some thought time.

 

We were prepping for a run on-post to do some errands and we were going in and out of rooms getting ready.  I was sitting on my bed edge doing something or other and he came by to say something... I said, "hey, come here.  Sit down." and made room for him next to me. He asked, "Why? What?" as he settled himself down.  "I want you to talk to me.  What makes you so uncomfortable about the porn thing and not wanting to tell me?"

He paused a moment to collect his thoughts and softly told me.

It was something very understandable and I gave  him a hug over it and being open with me about it.

As I'd expected, it wasn't some deep, horrible, porn secret.  He basically views the same sort of stuff as I, roughly.  There is just a certain private fact that makes him a bit uncomfortable talking about some of it.  No big shocker or horror or even a big deal.  Actually, kind of sweet...

But I'm giving no specific details.  This is about something very private to us.

Let's just sum it up in that I let him know I wanted something, he wasn't ready to give it so I gave him a bit of time to adjust because I know he wants to be open and please me, and today he gave over what I wanted from him.

Happy ending.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Kitchen Conversations

Okay, first off:  More loot for the Rumpus.  This time more from Chael.

We agreed we needed to go to HEB for some grocery items - specifically, more flour for dumplings.  He asked me if we were going to do a cutting this weekend, I griped about our printer dying.  It finished with him saying we'd go to Walmart and he'd buy a new one.

So, we did our grocery shopping and hit Walmart and bought the exact same cheap model as the one that just died.  We could've gone to Best Buy and bought something higher quality, but seriously we don't need anything fancy.  It just needs to scan and print basic black and white most of the time.  The last one lasted a long time, this one should get us by for around a year until we feel like investing in anything better.

So, he bought me a new (cheap) printer.  I say it's mine because while technically he's free to use it, in actuality the likelyhood of him touching it is incredibly low.  I think in the past 2 years of us living here he used our printer maybe 5 times, tops.

In addition, we were walking around and he saw mitten-gloves on a rack and had me check them out because he knows I like them (you know, the gloves with the fingertips cut out so that you can have the dexterity but it has a little flap that folds over and turns the gloves into mittens).  I wasn't thrilled with the bulky knitted ones so he looked around and found me some Isotoner sleek ones... which I liked the look of but they were too snug on my fingers (which is odd as I have small hands.... I don't know who they are actually selling these to).

Ooooo, but as I put that pair back right next to it was a rack of SmartTouch gloves.  The gloves that have the little pads on the fingertips so that you can still use your touch devices.

I totally snagged a pair.

So yay, more presents for the Rumpus.

 

Anyways, kitchen conversations:

We put groceries away and he starts making dumplings.  I pitch in on cooking with him. He hands me the baking powder to put in.  I read off how much we need of this and that as he adds things in.

Chael suddenly stops and turns to me and ask, "How many teaspoons of baking powder did you put in?".  I looked at the recipe again to make sure I didn't mess up... Nope, sure enough it says to put 2 in and we're making a double batch; Four was correct.   I answer, "Fooouuurrr".  He replies, "Is that double??". "Yes... what?... it says 2.. I put in four...?"

He gives this frustrated sigh.  I look at him with concerned "wtf?" thoughts and body language.

Chael states with that frustrated and somewhat dejected tone, "It's not supposed to be doubled... I'm sorry.  I use half as much baking powder because it makes them dense". He sighs.  In a lighter tone of resignation he states, "Oh well, I guess they'll just be kind of fluffy".

I look out sideways from my squinted angry-face eyes at him and then scrunch my face in a still angry and now pouting expression and say sulkily, "I hate it when they're fluffy".

We move on and I let my displeasure at this turn of events wear off.

I really hate fluffy dumplings.  I like them dense, solid, and heavy.

But life goes on.

 

A bit later we get talking about porn.  How? I have no clue.  Somehow it got on my mind and I brought it up.  It developed into my asking him about his porn preferences.  He replied a very little and then got evasive.  I tried to laugh this off and push a bit harder on it, asking him things and being playful.  He keeps dodging and not answering.  This is weird.  I know he doesn't have any horrendous, make-me-stop-loving-him sexual interests because we've had those kinds of discussions.  So I get really to wondering why he's being so  clearly uncomfortable and being how I am this makes me want to push him further and get him to tell me even though/partially because he doesn't wanna.

Finally, I'm like, "Tell me...!".

And he says, "No".

*silence*

I start to get really irritated.  Tension builds.

"Why not?"

"Don't I get to have some things I keep to myself?"

"Well......  yeah.... I guess....." (in a tone that clearly means, "Noooooo, do you know me?")

*more tense and pregnant silence*

"You know, there's a difference between "Honey, I'm really uncomfortable talking about this right now, could we not?" and "No"".

"I know, I'll work on that"

"Because you know... the former I'm likely to respond with "That's okay, you think about it and work on getting more comfortable and we'll talk about it later".  The latter just makes me want to kick you up side the head"

He faces me, leans down and kisses me and says, "I look forward to you being flexible enough to do that".

"I really don't like it when you don't take me seriously."

"I promise I'm taking you seriously."

We go back to cooking.

After a few moments I grab his collar and drag him over facing me and leaning down a bit so our faces are more on level.

Tugging on the collar I say, "I'm in charge here".

He responds, "I know.  I love you being in charge".

He hugs and kisses me and we go on with our evening.  Chilling on the livingroom rug we watch the latest Big Bang Theory and agree we didn't think this week was as good as last week.  Then we each wander off to do our own things.

And after a while of bumming around that brings us to now.

He just brought in a "test dumpling" for me and, despite it being fluffier than I like, I enjoyed it and told him so.  He asked if he should bring me in a bowl and I said, "yes".  It's now sitting in front of me cooling.

We didn't do a rub so far tonight and I think I'm going to let him do a double tomorrow instead of doing it now.  Chael's really run down and I think it's best if he just spends lazy time in his room tonight.

Dumplings!

 

Soups!

Am totally munching down on some split pea soup Chael cooked for me last night.

Tonight bitch is making me some "chicken" and dumplings.

That's right, I said it.

 

Note:  I tend to like my split peas as more of a paste than a soup.

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Productive

So, this morning has been quite productive and a bit of a happy surprise, too.

I've been fiddling with and thing I have a version of my Pro-Dom site up that I like.  Link to the right.

And while working on that, the doorbell rang.

Chael went and got the package being delivered and brought it into my room saying it was for me and from Bodyartforms.com.  It was a big box... and he wasn't acting like it was a surprise from him... so I was stumped and curious.

Turns out it was Christmas gifts from BAF!  They sent me a friendly card and a nice pad and pen, a very nice coffee cup, and a very, very, very nice gym/toy bag.

Seriously, for a free "thanks for being a customer" type gift, that bag is fricking awesome.  Good weight canvas, very well made.

It's nice to know the  huge amounts of money I spend there (maybe not huge by other people's standards, but it is by mine) is noticed and appreciated by the company.  Their awesome customer service is what keeps bringing me back to them over and over.

Pics:

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IMG_1014[1]Turns out Chael and I are going down to his mother's for a few hours on the 29th (I think that was the day...).

 

 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Earrings!

So Chael's shoulder is all fucked again.

It's really his own fault, he did stuff he knew he shouldn't.  They were moving a bunch of windows last week and he, being the big strong guy he is, went in and was all "rawr! lift heavy things!"... only, you know, his shoulders nowadays really can't hold up to what his muscles can lift.  So his right shoulder is swollen and painful.  I'm nagging him to take Ibuprofen and putting Cryogel on it at night and telling him he needs to make a doc's appointment for it - which he keeps forgetting to do.

*sigh*

 

Anyways, it's been a quiet couple days here.  I've been being productive still.  Did a toenail painting video today and some drawing and signed up for a few more sites to work on.  Am thinking I'm going to use a Wordpress template to build my basic pro site back up under my pro domain name.  I need to get a "Hey I'm right here!" work site back up and running.  After the totally BS involved with Certified Hosting and losing everything from my site I have to rebuild and make new content and yada yada....  So I really ought to get my butt in gear and do it.  Not saying I'll *stay* with the template in the long run, I intend to build a custom site like I did before eventually, but just to get *something* back up when people find my domain.

 

Chael's D&D books I ordered came in the mail yesterday.  Today the earrings he ordered me off Bodyartforms.com arrived today.  He got me some wooden ladybug plugs made by OmericaOrganic.com and a bunch of earskins from KaosSoftwear.com.

Talked to my mom some  Tuesday night (we talk on the phone every few weeks).  I told her about some of the stuff going on with my art and stuff being asked about and possibly being hired for... to include my needle stuff.  She was actually pleased and accepting of the fact that people liked my needle and cutting work.  -She's long described it as "sick".  Whatever mom...  Glad you're somewhat hypocritically happy for me. lol.  But no, I'm pleased she is being supportive.

Below are pictures of my new earrings:

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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Loving Me for Me

So on a Fetlife thread I answered some questions about compassion, empathy, and how they relate to an Owner/property dynamic, specifically between Chael and I.

As I said there, I feel I show compassionate behaviors towards Chael and that I *do*care about him... but I have no ability to feel empathy and my *motivations* aren't compassionate.

Even my being concerned over his health and happiness come from my place of primary concern about my own happiness and convenience.

I don't want him to be in pain from his bad shoulder.  I want him to feel good and not have to deal with it.  I make sure he goes to the doctor about it and nag him to take it easy when using it.

But my motivation, deep down, is that I don't want to hear about it hurting him and I don't want it limiting what he can do for/with me in the long-run.

As I've said over and over, I love him the most of anyone in my life and very, very much -but I always love me more.

 

So, he comes home and we're chatting on our way out of the house to go to the gym.  I bring this thread up and ask him, "do you think I'm compassionate?".

Him:  (in a chirpy playful voice) No!

 

I laugh.

 

Me:  Really, how come?

Him: (still chirpy) What, you expected me to have to think about it?

 

I laugh some more.

 

Me:  Why do you say so?

Him:  You could give a rat's ass about other people

 

I laugh hard.

 

Me:  Well, it was kindof about within the relationship, so between you and me, I mean.

Him:  What, I just assumed I was included in your world-view (cracking a grin)

 

I laugh some more.

We get in the car and I start driving us to the gym.  I tell him a bit more details about the thread in question and express my responses.

 

Me:  So, thoughts?

Him:  Yeah, I'd say that's about accurate.

Me:  Does this bother you at all?

Him:  No, not really.

Me:  Why not?

Him:  As long as I know where I stand....

 

So we laughed some  more and arrived at the gym and all that.  We're walking inside and I'm feeling all full of love for him in my stomach and chest due to this talk... I take hold of his hand, smile up at him as we walk, and tell him, "I love that you love me for me".  He responds, "you mean, I love you for who you really are?".  "Yep", with a big smile.

We then engage in blatant PDAs of smooches and hugs before splitting up to do our separate exercise focuses for the night.

 

Chael knows that I am and loves me as an extremely narcissistic person.  One doc has recently expressed that I am a high-functioning psychopath.

We have what I'd consider (and most other's would, too, I gather) a very healthy relationship:  we communicate well, we know each other very well, there is a high level of mutual respect between us, we're very compatible in our life views and desires, etc.

The last of those just happens to largely be a shared opinion that I'm totally awesome and come first in our relationship.

Stockings

Didn't do an evening post last night because we were both exhausted and went to bed early.

I spent the day yesterday doing online stuff, some just for fun and some for profit.  Dyed my hair and videoed it to sell clips later.  I'm working on building my video collection back up and aiming to get a clips4sale account.  You know, between multiple hard-drive losses with moving over and over and losing everything I had stored on my old server I'm sucking for content.  Not a huge deal but I have to say THANK GOD for free services like Google Drive and DropBox.  I'm now backups all over the damn place of my artwork and videos and personal photos and everything.  Also, spent several hours connected to my NiteFlirt again, but no calls.  Not surprising in that I had to start a new account with them a long while back and haven't made much use of it... I've a few clients who carried over but I'm largely starting up a new customer base.

Chael's on detail this whole month so he has to do a ton of walking in the morning and then at the end of the workday... he and his minions have to set up and tear down road blocks and direct traffic during PT and for the flag at 5pm.  So that sucks.  It means he has to get home and go right away to the gym with me -on Friday he missed the gym entirely as I have to be there at 5:20 for Zumba and he's not even home yet by then.

So we went to the gym last night.  Chael did his treadmill walking and I did Zumba.  I don't know what was up with me but I had to take Zumba really lightly as it was totally kicking my ass...  I was tired, uncoordinated, and had to take it easy on even the songs I'm usually pushing myself hard on.  Total body refusal.  Odd.

We came home, I wanted food that wasn't in the house but didn't want to run out for it; I just wanted to shower and then sit and be lazy on the couch.  I was so worn out for no good reason.  So I took my shower and Chael ran out for my food.  He came home, we chatted while we ate, he took a shower, and we sat down to listen to the movie Evolution while Chael massaged my hands.

He started out with us sitting side by side like usual for hands but then started to totally skimp out on it...  put one arm around my shoulders and only using one hand to massage mine.  And doing a poor job at it, I must say.  So I gave him an affronted look and said "two hands".

He then fiddled with different arrangements and settled on sitting facing me (we were sitting on the floor) with his back to the TV and rubbed my hands well, using both of his the whole time.  He intermixed kisses up the insides of my forearms with the massaging.  It was so sweet.

After that I said something... I don't recall what... But it led us to doing our Christmas stocking exchange.

I'd over-filled Chael's with packages of dried fruits (strawberries, kiwis, papaya, plums), wasabi peas, and flavored macadamia nuts (the main surprise of which was a can of Spam flavored ones lol.  I had to do some googling, but google said that the scary "natural flavors" listed were actually plant-based, so).  The Spam flavored ones made him laugh and he had me try one.

It did, indeed, taste like Spam.

I got a whole bunch of things I'll probably never actually use but that I thought were awesome:  vegan fudge, brownie, and peanut butter cups; a 9' iphone cord; Star Wars silicone ice cube trays that make Han in Carbonite, X-Wing Fighter, Darth Vader helmet, Millenium Falcon, and R2D2 ice cubes; the obligatory giant candy cane staff; one Laffy Taffy stick; one Pixy Stix stick.

Then we went to bed and I passed out hard.

We each still have presents coming.  He ordered me some BAF earrings and I ordered him 4th edition D&D DM and Monster Manuals plus a single Player's Handbook, plus a Bag of Holding from ThinkGeek to keep them in.

This morning I got up early and did Grit - Plyometrics and wanted to die.  But this time wasn't as bad as the first, so, progress.

Pics of my stocking presents:

IMG_0980[1]IMG_0977[1]IMG_0976[1]IMG_0974[1]IMG_0973[1]

 

 

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Upcoming Needle Project

As Chael and I will be moving away soon, I'm trying to work with my primary needle bottom Redeye to get a couple big needle projects done together before I leave.

We're going to be doing 800 needles in January if I can work everything out with Miss Lilly for then.  If all goes well and smooth, we're going to try something with 1000 in Feb or Mar.

I've been really lucky to have such a great local bottom in Dallas.  I'll miss our play when I leave and may actually keep in touch and fly down for one once in a while with him.   That would be nice.

 

Chael will *do* needles, but he *really, really* doesn't like doing them and he can take no where near as many as Redeye, anyways.

Making A Haul

Again, I love it when Chael buys me stuff.

 

Due to it being the holiday season, I'm raking in more from him than usual... but god how I love it.  Mental tally says we're almost to $2000 worth of stuff, not counting the regular things like flowers and our standard agreement mentioned in other posts.

 

My big Xmas present of earrings, a special little iPhone camera add-on, vegan chocolates, a paint-brush stylus for my iPad, flexible silicone novelty ice cube trays, and lots else.

 

Today we went to the storage facility to get out one of my old (by like 2 years, still very nice and up to date) video cameras that I use to record some of my scenes and then to Walmart to buy me a new tripod... because for about a month or so I've mentioned a couple times that I wish I hadn't gotten rid of my tripods and wished I could be videoing my cuttings with him and my upcoming stuff with Redeye.

So he told me he'd buy me a new tripod for a present.

We walked out of Walmart with me having a new Sony video recorder, a tall tripod, a small tripod, and a 32GB SanDisk for it.

On the drive out of the parking lot, Chael says, "I'm officially done with my Christmas shopping..... for the third time now".  I answer with a chirpy, "ok!".

Twenty minutes later I'm in Sally's buying some hair dye while he's in RadioShack.  He comes in and up to me and sing-songs, "I just got you a present at RadioSchack!".  I ask, "what?".  He says, "I'm not telling, you'll have to wait for it in your stocking!".

About 4 minutes later the cashier is ringing my up and he cracks and shows what he got for me:  a new pair of wire cutters for my sharps kit, since somehow I lost mine.

 

I love him so hard.

 

Then we went and saw the 3D version of Life of Pi.  It wasn't bad, amusing, but we both (of course) liked the book much better.

We got there early and played games.  As usual, there was an air hockey dual.  Chael beat me... but only because out of the 7:6 point set I scored 4 of those 7 on myself.

That's right, I kicked my own ass in air hockey.

 

Looks like I may be going to be a future instructor with Kink Academy.   LadyCyanide put in good word for me, so in a few months or so when I and Princess Kali both get settled we'll meet up and talk about it.  Awesomesauce.

In addition to working much more on my art lately, I'm getting back to my pro-dom work and related ventures (returning to NiteFlirt tomorrow, joined Findoms.com, am reconstructing my Amazon Wishlist, etc).

 

On the move, I think I'm going to cut back our rental budget maximum by about $500.  Chael reminded me of something I had no thought about whatsoever:  With him getting out of the Army he's required to keep medical insurance on his son as part of his child support.  I didn't think about this at all because A) I don't normally have anything to do with his child-handling, and B) while he's been in the Army his kids are covered under our Tricare.... on his getting out we need to either pay for keeping Tricare or find some other medical coverage for his son (whereas if there was no son, Chael would just transition to VA medical care and we'd have no medical costs).  So I've added that to the budget, which wasn't really a huge change, and also decided I'd like us to have a little more free-money each month.

So the place I was previously feeling lusty towards is about $300 more than I want us to pay.

Ah, being responsible.  lol.

 

Tonight will be a foot rub.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

omgawdsleep

I didn't manage to fall asleep at all last night.  I kept trying but not good.   So I spent hours either laying there on my side or sitting there reading on my iPad while Chael made these god-awful snoring/drowning noses when he'd repeatedly turn onto his back.

I tried to ignore it since it was clear he was sleeping really hard.  But I cracked and woke him up for it once.  Only for him to fall back asleep a few minutes later and roll back onto his back.

 

Sigh.

 

Then he slept until about 1:30pm today still in my bed next to me making those awful noises.

As I tweeted, I was having intense urges to boot him in the side of the head.

But he got up, we went to sushi and I felt like I was dying trying to stay awake and focus during it.  He ran into the grocery while I waited in the truck on the ride home.  Then I spent the day trying to be somewhat productive and staying awake until bedtime.

 

He fell asleep early last night so he missed our rub.  Tonight he did my scalp and face, then my feet.  I kept passing out during my feet so when he was done he asked my if it was bedtime.  I said it was bedtime.

 

So we're going to bed.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Motivations and Sexual Effort

This subject was brought to mind by a thread on CollarMe about a particular FemDom author and their teachings.

I very much strongly disagree with their premise that a male should be motivated and only willing to give service and submission by the female keeping him sexually aroused...  making things tittilating for him.

That she should "seduce his submission" by such things as making sure to wear high heels instead of flats and that he should "seduce her dominance" by buying her a leather skirt and complimenting her on how she looks in it.

Turning on a male partner and using that arousal in sexy top/bottom play or acting out hot FemDom/malesub fantasy roles can be a lot of fun.  I'm not running down partners embracing, incorporating, and reveling in their shared sexualities. Not at all.

I simply strongly disagree with the idea of that a female dominant should *need* or be *obligated* to make submission and service about keeping the male horny. Or to only expect him to be so when and how he thinks it's hot.

Outside of a scene of some sort or length, I only want a male submissive who is just as submissive and just as service-oriented when it's completely and totally NOT getting his dick hard.  A man who doesn't come from "I'll give you a foot massage after your long day because I have a foot fetish and hope it'll lead to a foot job or so I can masturbate to the memory later".  Rather, a man who comes from "I'll give you a foot massage because making you comfortable and happy makes me happy"  - and if they do, also, have a foot fetish and find it totally hot it's a bonus, not the primary motivation.

I desire submission that is there just as much when I've dye on my hair and I'm running around with plastic wrap on my head and in my fuzzy bathrobe and crocs at home as when I'm all high-makeup, corseted, and sexy stockings at the dungeon.

Just like I want to give dominance in equal amounts in those two situations.  Like I want to give dominance whether my partner is in suit and tie at a funeral or if he's at home naked while I paddle his ass and call him my bitch.

Sweet Whispers

After the back massage last night we stayed laying next to each other for a bit listening to the TV and just being lazy and close.

At one point Chael took hold of my left hand and pulled it toward his collar and tried to make my hand grab it; it took me a moment to understand what he was doing and then I caught on and looped my hand through it like I do sometimes and we both used the moment as the beginning of a lean-in for a kiss. After about 3 kisses Chael said something very quiet that I couldn't quite hear as it was in the sound range that I can't hear... I could tell he spoke, but couldn't hear the sound.  He started kissing me againduring free the next kiss I asked, "what did you say?" And kissed him again.

When our lips next parted he said in a low, husky voice, "I serve you" and went back to the long, sweet kisses.

After a little bit we finished, I let go of his collar, and we both sprawled back out on the floor as we'd been earlier.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Snippets

Conversation snippets from today:

------------------------

me:  "...but, yeah.... I just Like to shiv people..."

him:  "well, go with your strengths"

------------------------

him:  "would you like tacoooos?"

me:  "I would like tacoooos!"

him:  "I will make you tacos"

------------------------

Then later we listened to Constantine on the TV while we each laid on the floor, me on my stomach and he on my left on his side with one leg thrown over both of mine, while he rubbed my lower back with his right ah and and Jonesy came up and flopped down so that my face was stressed all into the hair on his side.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Quiet Day

We didn't make it to the First Aid and CPR class today due to traffic. There were lanes shut down for major construction just outside the main part of town and there haBremen no warnings...so.

We had some veggie subs at Subway, ran by the sporting goods section of AAFES for me to get Chael some underwear for Christmas and myself some new workout clothes.

 

Otherwise, a very quiet day.

 

We just watched a little bit of Chronicles of Riddick while Chael massaged my shoulders and decided we're too tired to stay up later. Tomorrow morning for me is Grit - Plyometrics.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Pretty Nails!

I sat on the couch and Chael took my toe and nail polish off while we listened to Wrath of Khan on the SyFy channel.  Then I layed down on my belly with a pillow on the blanket Chael put out for me and he rubbed my feet with my Fair Trade Foot Lotion...  He took me to task a little about how I've "been neglecting" my feet - translation:  I've got to choose them more for daily massages to keep them all nice and smooth by him.

Again, he has no foot thing at all.  It's just another aspect of pampering me.

Oh, but adorable and I've forgotten to mention in the past:  Whenever he massages my feet or hands he kisses them each when he finishes them.  With a non-limb-end area like back or such, we either just end with me telling him thank you or we give each other a small peck as I get up.

Ugly nails before:

IMG_0968[1]

During:

IMG_0969[1]

Pretty nails after:

IMG_0970[1]

I'm wearing the big fluffy, warm bathrobe he got me a few years ago that I wear whenever it's chilly around the house.

Art Presents

I love when Chael buys me things.

 

 

The End.

Laser and Nail Polish

So, I got up early today and did Grit - Strength class for the first time.  It's 30 minutes of HIIT.  It was good.

Came home and Chael let me in (our door keys don't work  right... we've had the maintenance people fix it once already and that lasted about a day).  Then he took a nap until it was time for us to go get lasered and grocery shop.

In the meantime, I sat in the livingroom talking with my leather family (Delta Sigma, linked to the right) and drawing with the pad and pencils Chael bought me last night.  I did my first drawing in 2 years today.  It's HERE.  I had block so bad that I hadn't even doodled in all that time... I'd been focusing on skin art, instead.

Errands went well and on the way back, with Chael driving his truck, Chael asked if he could trade a rub for polish remover.

 

Me:  What?  I don't understand... You want some? What?

Him:  I owe you two rubs today, we didn't do one yesterday.  I was thinking to trade one for polish remover.

Me:  I... still don't understand.  What do you mean?

Him:  I mean taking your nail polish off in place of one of the rubs.

Me:  Oh, okay!

 

He's got nothing special about hands or feet or polish or anything... it's just that mine Really look like hell because I'm not getting regular mani/pedi's lately and I'm too lazy to keep up on it well myself.  So I'm all kinds of chipped and barely-there nail polish right now.  Plus, he's done it for me in the past and I like how I feel pampered by it so I was totally willing to trade a massage.

We were at Subway before the lasering appointment talking a bit about my weights class this morning and my drawing again.  I told him I was starting to think I wasn't going to be losing any or much more weight at this rate; I'd been stalled at 190 for about 3 months now.  I expressed that, if that was the case, I wasn't upset as I felt so much better and felt like I looked good and I was SO happy with my health and movement ability now.  Every time at the gym I feel a bit stronger and healthier, even without more weightloss I'm seeing improvement over time.  So if I don't lose more, I'm content with staying this size and rocking my workouts.

 

Chael says, "I think you're going to lose more weight".

"Why?" (with a laugh)

"Because you're totally psychotic about the gym"

(I laugh some more)

 

He expresses being really proud of my workouts and my drawing again.

He also expresses that he doesn't like going to the gym.

On asking me on the ride out to lasering if we were going to the gym  tonight I replied that I wasn't... but that I felt like telling him *he* was.  He grumbled about it and said he'd rather not exercise at the gym.  I asked where he wanted to do it.  He said at home.  I, then, asked what he would do there.  He answered that he'd do weights for a change.  I said that was okay.

As long as he gets a workout in.

 

We're about to head out to Hobby Lobby to get me charcoals and other stuff we couldn't pick up last night.

 

Monday, December 3, 2012

Artsy Stuff

I've been loading stuff up on my art blog the past week and have been feeling like producing some more.  I've been in a slump drawing and painting-wise for a while and focusing solely on the body work.

I expressed an interest in starting again and Chael asked why I didn't.  I told him I didn't have supplies, as I was thinking they are luxuries and I shouldn't spend my money on things I don't absolutely need right now.

He offered to buy them  for me.  I asked if he was serious and he said yes.

 

So we went to the gym tonight and I sweated my butt off at Zumba while he did treadmill.  Soggy with sweat we went to the local Walmart on the way home and got some paper and pencils... we're going to be down by Hobby Lobby tomorrow so we're going to hit there for charcoals and fixative and such.

Chael, bless his heart, had to go through me trying to pick pencils.  I won't go into detail, but it's rather involved and takes a definitely more than normal  length of time.

We're now back home and I've no idea what I want rubbed.

I'm feeling like going to bed at a reasonable hour tonight so we'll have our before-sleep cuddles.

I spent some time online today ordering dried fruits and flavored macadamia nuts for Chael's Christmas stocking.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Cutting Done - Warning Blood

We did the cutting, finally.

Chael comes back and enters my room all excited with himself and tells me he bought things for me, "special presents!".   So I get up and go see what he bought.

He'd bought me two sets of hand-sanitizer bottles and two sets of scissors lol.  And had me immediately put one pair of the scissors in my sharps kit.

We did the cutting and it went really well.  I could tell it hurt him a lot in places, he was catching his breath at times and tensing/wiggling at times to where I would have to pause for a second or be extra careful in my cuts until he stopped moving.  But, he took it like a champ and it was great.

It was a design from my drawing that can be found on my art blog here:  Flesh - Drawing

Below is the final image of it after we'd taken a shower together and I scrubbed the blood off him and it had time to scab up.  If you want to see more photos of it and the process visit here:  Flesh - Cutting Version - Blood Warning

IMG_0963

After all that was done, I took my turn on the massage table for Chael could try to massage my quads.  It went so-so.  He was frustrated because he felt like he wasn't actually doing anything since he could barely put any pressure on me because it hurt me so much; I was frustrated that he kept hurting me so much while being frustrated he couldn't press harder.

But it was nice anyways, after a bit he relaxed and we both enjoyed him doing a very light massage.  Legs still hurt a ton afterwards, but during was a relief.

Then we parted ways to bum around the house on our own, me coming into my bedroom here to fiddle online.  He comes in a couple times to say "hi" like usual.... Then he comes in and tells me I've been terribly neglecting my feet lately and they were getting all dry again.  I look back at him like "wtf?" and see he's brought the Fair Trade Foot Lotion in and is preparing to put lotion on my feet for me.

I just grinned to myself, kept typing and happily pretended to ignore him while he rubbed the lotion into my feet and then left.

He's so sweet.