Sunday, May 31, 2009

Travel

I miss traveling.

I mean *real* travel, not this bouncing around I do in the US to places I've been and to see friends. I love visiting friends and revisiting great places, but it doesn't feed my soul the way true travel -new sites and sights- gives me does.

I Need to go new places, touch old things, feel the old life in the stone and dirt and steel of all the people who have passed through... or to wander off into nature to places where someone may or may not have ever have been before.

I miss it in an aching way when I go too long without it.

I still have 7 states to see. I won't get the chance this summer due to visiting folks (not that I'm bitching, again I love to see friends!). Maybe in spring?

New countries right now are right out. Short of another cruise soon I'll not see any more of the nearby countries and my lease keeps me from picking up and moving back to Europe or to Thailand to start my language classes there early.

It was wonderful to get back to H'Port, NY before and after Camp for a bit. Nice to see my family, but that's not the main reason. It didn't satisfy any of my wanderlust, but it did return me to one of my favorite places.

Some areas of the planet just make me feel good. Something about the energy of them... regardless of their physical beauty or human options... the Finger Lakes Region of NY, London, and Prague.

I'm quite sickly enamored with these three places. I go there and feel more alive, more whole, more blissful than anywhere else and for no clear reason. Now, each is wonderful in their own obvious way but that isn't, I repeat again "isn't", why.

Venice is beautiful, as much and more than any movie or picture make it seem. It has a richness and quaintness, both, that is endearing... but it doesn't do it to me. Heidelberg and Mannheim will be places I love and remember intensely but they don't cause that. Alaska may be one of the most awe-inspiring places I've ever been, landscape-wise... but I don't feel giddy with no basis while there.

I could go on but I've overstated my point already. I've been great places, I want and need to go more great places, and some places are greater than they have any clear cause to be and I'm blessed to get to return now and then.

But damn am I in category Two desire mode right now. Must. Go. Somewhere. New.

Maybe in September I could go to the Dakotas. Doubt it. Damn I have to wait to see things til next year.

My lease is up in February... maybe I'll move somewhere interesting then. Chael will be deployed until sometime between August 2010 and January 2011. Depending, that may be some time in Spain or Scotland for me... maybe get a little apt. back in Mannheim, visit Sandra and start hopping all over Eastern Europe this time instead of Western.

I gotta go somewhere.

Back to refreshing my German and working on my Spanish & Thai. But which Spanish to focus on? Latin or Castillian? And should I settle with only being able to read and understand Thai or should I fork out the cash to practice my speech now instead of waiting a few years when I can go there to get tutoring?

I can't believe I haven't learned some form of Spanish yet. A bit of each but no fluency yet. It's a darn easy language. Just sad.

I admit it, I'm bad at latin-based languages. Spent 4 years in French and can't speak any more than I went in with. Germanic languages -and even the Thai!- go faster by far for me. What the hell? Totally backwards.

I'm rambling.

Just another quiet night with me and my cat hanging out in the house.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Picture update from CampCrucible post earlier

Arm staples one by PermanentStudent & back done by Dottie:







Some of the back ones have come a bit loose (and one is half-way pulled out) in my sleep, so Chael will be removing them all for me tonight.

Divorce thoughts (in general)

Not about my marriage, but about the subject of divorce, over all.

Am I really the only person on this planet that sees the high divorce rate as a GOOD thing?

People didn't stay together when they couldn't divorce because they wanted to, but because they couldn't get a divorce... so -like many of the non-divorced today still- they live in misery, boredom, loathing; through abuse, sexual and emotional mismatching and unhappiness, wrong choices and even drunk nights in Vegas.

Or, again as with many today still, they lived unmarried while stuck legally bound... cheating, separation, more abuse, etc. and on some rare occasions a happy, keep-it-from-the-neighbors, understanding.

Now, divorce is available and easier to get. People who should've never married can correct it. People who have grown to hate one another can step away and make happier lives. Abused men and women can leave and seek healthier options alone or with new partners.

Miserable togetherness can be ended legally with full individual rights restored.

Marriage shouldn't be a trap one is caught in. If the paperwork is the only reason one is staying then, IMO, it's not a marriage in the meaningful sense anyways. The people are ALREADY divorced, they're just locked in a legal cage with one another.

Divorce and the availability of it and the fact that people are making use of it, are beautiful, happy, healthy things.

Does one hope that a relationship is healthy, happy, and lasting in it's goodness? Surely! But those aren't where divorce happens. People don't say "things are great! let's end it!". Legal divorce happens AFTER the marriage is dead and gone, even if one half refuses to acknowledge it yet.

Death of the goodness of a relationship is a sadness, being able to leave when that occurs and there is no resuscitation possible is a joyful option.

Just had to get that out after reading another rant about "sanctity of marriage" and the divorce rate.

Late night thoughts on me

Specifically, on my quietness.

I'm very introverted. Extremely.

This at times throws people, as I'm not a chatterer unless I'm gotten going on a subject. I tend to pre-think what I say and not say much in my responses. I also tend to dodge questions until I've had time to think of the answers a bit.

I worry some, while accepting me for how I am largely, about how uncomfortable this does make interacting with me for some. I worry that I come across as distant or rude... or worse, for my immense ego, dull or stupid.

I'm careful in my handling of others in this and other ways. Tremendously careful in most things, because I tend, despite my introversion, to be extremely intense and overly passionate about the things and people I care about.

So this leads me to being even more quiet and introverted in functioning as I pre-think more to avoid overwhelming others, as I'm prone to, and round and round I go.

The inner-living I do pushes me to being too intense when I let myself free a bit with folks which pushes me to more careful inner-living to avoid this flaw which pushes me to...

These thoughts aren't to be taken as a negative session about me. I like me. A lot. In fact, tremendously.

But I think taking a frank look at oneself now and then and reminding me about me is part of why that is so and in bettering my interactions with others.

I do care about making others uncomfortable and hope to get better at the middle ground and stepping a bit more out of my habits -okay, that's not true... I don't want to change my introversion level at all (as said, I like me and my ways) but if I temper this aspect so as to not make others "pull teeth" (lol) I'd be pleased.

It's never good to make unsettled those you like, unless it's intentional.


On other thoughts, I need violent sex. Not just playful, fun, pushy or such... violent. Slaps and push and pain that leaves one giddy afterward. But that is a topic for other entries.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

CampCrucible

Wow, what a weekend! I'd a great time.

My friends Nugget & Lady Sondra, from the AIRS Augusta, GA group I was in before, clued me into Camp a while back just before I left for Texas. I thought it sounded fun and wanted to see old friends again so I decided to sign up and go.

Am so glad I did.

I got to see them a few times for both lovely and silly stuff. Among just friendly chatting and retouching:

He gave me a massage my first day out in the sun and shade and breezes. It was heavenly. He's very good at massage, as I know, and it's always a sweetness... but out with people moving around you, the sounds of folks nearby and some playing, sunshine warm and shade cool, the air shifting over my naked skin, and that touch of exhibition fun in it made it so much more. It was the perfect start.

I did my first pony cart ride with Nugget pulling after he'd given me a short instructional. I've little experience with horse riding or "steering", so I was nervous. It went awesome! Being in the cart as it's pulled has the scariness of canoeing -that shaky looseness of feeling- but the control and slight absurdity of it all was exhilarating! The guiding felt much as the few times I've been on a horse, quite real, and it was wonderful getting this new experience with an old friend. Big smiles!

I watched Sondra and he in the pony show do a very cute and funny musical skit with my new friend PermanentStudent and laughed and clapped. Another round of smiles, this one on the 3rd day.

Sondra was a sweety -as always!- and offered Nugget for a scene to me, but I was mianly in bottoming headspace most of that day so it didn't happen. I consider it a missed opportunity since we all live so far away now (Nugget was in service to me for a short period before and we had a couple fun scenes back in Augusta).

Roommates were very nice people and the cabin atmosphere was just what I'd hoped. Quite and safe to leave stuff out with no worries, considerate folks, and way more space than people. Two couples (JscRashad & Kestra and MrWest & Mrs West) and one single besides me (PermanentStudent). Started with quiet hellos and ended with everyone on B.S.'ing terms and better by the end.

PermanentStudent and I hit it off quite well and he ended up being (what I mentally called) my CasualCampBoyfriend lol. Someone cool I felt like both holding hands with and high-fiving when he reported getting some good play somewhere. We started hanging out after switching off tying each other in a bondage class and then exchanged staples in Dottie's sharps class, then exchanging beatings (my bum one night, his back the next) and generally just bummed around together when free. Oh, and let's not forget a laughing highlight of my trip: getting spanked in a pool lol. I was surprised at feeling both sides of switching with him, there's only one other person I "go both ways" with. Everyone else is one pole or the other, strictly.

He seemed not to mind my natural quietness (unlike poor MrWest, who felt trying to get me to talk was "like pulling teeth" hahaha!) and he was just plain comfortable to be around... like an old friend one runs into new. God help him, though, someday when I'm in a talkative mode.

Was "virgin sacrificed" as a newbie to camp. Got naked in front of the crowd watching and got fake blood poured down me after camp staff tried to scare us about what was going to happen. Not effectively, at least not me and a couple others, but it was atmosphere. In fact, Quin boning military for it made me more nervous than anything else... I still get upset easy if/when folks approach me military like that due to some things that happened while in, so I was tense watching that I showed no stress from that. Would've been embarrassing to end up upset and have people think it was over sacrifice! LOL! But they toned it down and I got coated in that fake blood and all was sticky, messy wellness. I felt like grinning, and did, walking back to my cabin with clothes in hand held out from my sticky red body.

Speaking of sticky bodies: chocolate pudding "wrestling". It was more just a roll-in-the-pudding-en-masse thing than actually wrestling. We all just bathed in it. Call it 7-12 people in a blowup kiddy pool covered in chocolate. Slip, slide and squish. I had it everywhere, as did everyone. Had to be hosed down with freezing water before I could get a proper shower to get clean.

God, I so hope to do that again sometime.

I saw a crucifixion and didn't pass out or even get dizzy. That's a big deal for me! I had a hard time at the needleplay demo even though I have no issues when *I* put needles into someone...watching is hard. But the crucifixion wasn't bad. Extreme but easy to watch -except I felt bad for the woman pounding the nails in, she had a hell of a time emotionally before and after, understandably. During the hanging I went up and touched him to feel the energy coming off and it was impressive. Warm and throbbing down through the and and over the forearm, sinking into my own body. We all shared a closeness of pain for a time there.

I watched a guy get held down and dressed as a girl and diapered, a man have his scrotal fluid drip out from needle play, and saw beautifully stretched outer labia on one woman. I doubt I could do that, but it tempted me it was so striking looking.

God, what else? Sooooo much in those few days.

Got to drive a golf cart around as taxi duty. Fun :D

Piled in a cuddle pit with a bunch of littles and non-littles, playing with glowsticks and getting wrapped up in two guyfriends and a cute girl for a bit.

Oh, also, laid out in the shade in my undies and read a book and chatted with two friends for a bit. That was another relaxing time.

Next year I'm coming on Thursday instead of Friday.

I'm sure I'll think of and add other things over the next few days. There is just too much right now.

Oh, and pics of my back corset (done by the sweetheart Dottie) and my arm corset (done by the sweetheart PermanentStudent) will be added soon once I'm home and it's easier to post things.